Title: excuse me miss!
Pairing: SasuSaku, Team 7ness
Inspiration from: GYM CLASS HEROES. And lots of sugary crack.
Notes: I am so ashamed. This came on the heels of kill something beautiful, proving without a doubt that I write on extreme ends of the spectrum. Angst or Fluffy crack.
Adventure? Horror? Suspense?
What are those things?
I do, however, hope to come out with a Friendship fic sometime soon. It'll be a challenge for me though, not putting in some sort of SasuSaku-ness. Oh, well. I'll worry about that after I finally update my chapter-fics. unlessinspirationstrikesagainandIhavenochoicebuttoobeythebunny. Sigh. My brain is so…I can't think of any words. But this song makes me giggle. I apologize for the crack.
Anyway, on to not-so-serious stuff. This story actually started out a lot different from this final version but in the middle of typing out my original idea, I had a burst of inspiration that I'm sure Sasuke really, really hates me for. OH WELL.
Warnings: UM. CRACK. And OOC Sasuke. Because IC Sasuke would go on a murderous rampage before stepping foot into…well, you'll see. Humm, what else?
Femme!Sasuke. In a bra.
And there's a brief interval where Sasuke fantasizes about…rebuilding his clan. And there's one dirty joke. I don't think it merits an M rating but if you disagree, feel free to PM me, and I'll either modify it or raise the rating.
Summary: "But didn't you hear, Sakura? Sasuke needs to learn my Oiroke no Jutsu to sex up some yakuza!" Oh. Hell. No. Features femme!Sasuke, photographer!Naruto, and tutor!Sakura.
Disclaimer: Naruto and the song Clothes Off belong to their respective creators.
Translation Note: Oyabun is the title of a yakuza head. Umeshu is sweet plum liquor.
Excuse me miss
I couldn't help but to notice how alone you are
I dig the attitude and how you're acting like you own the bar
Got me flashing keys and I don't even own a car
Like you ain't feeling my charm, because I know you are
- Clothes Off, Gym Class Heroes
Sometimes, Sasuke wondered why he'd decided to stay in Konoha.
Sure he'd been born here, and really, where was he supposed to go after it was all said-and-done, when Itachi was gone, Hebi disbanded—he'd had to shake Karin off his leg to get her to let go—and his life's goals fulfilled.
Well, half of them anyway.
There was still that little matter of making little black-haired—green-eyed! his hormones said gleefully—babies, and restoring the Uchiha clan back to its former glory. But that was the last thing on his mind right now.
Right now, his number one priority was getting the blond moron currently rolling around and choking on his own laughter to kindly shut the fuck up, because the fact that he, Uchiha Sasuke, was going to have to be a girl for 48 hours in order to seduce one of Fire Country's most notorious oyabun could not possibly be that funny.
From the way Naruto was wheezing, it must have been.
He kicked him hard in the ribs, but to no avail.
It took a slap to both cheeks from their female teammate to get him to finally calm down.
"All right, all right, I'm calm." His bright blue eyes were still filled with irrepressible laughter, but outwardly, at least, he had calmed down.
"But didn't you hear, Sakura-chan? Sasuke-teme needs to learn my Oiroke no Jutsu to sex up some yakuza!" He turned to his rival, eyebrows waggling.
"So teme, how's it feel to finally show everyone the woman you're really meant to be?"
Sasuke growled and began the hand signs for his fireball technique. Luckily, Sakura intervened, still slightly dazed from her teacher's announcement.
"Tsunade-shishou…are you…that is…" She shook her head rapidly to clear off anything that might have impaired her hearing, and thereby reassure herself of the fact that her Sasuke-kun—because he was hers, dammit, she'd earned him!—would not have to traipse around in a miniskirt and tube-top and play footsies with some sketchy mob boss.
"Sasuke-kun's going to have to be a woman?"
The Godaime's face was perfectly stoic, except for a slight twitching in the corners of her lips.
"Sakura, as I've told you all three times, the particular target of this mission likes slim, dark-haired, dark-eyed girls. It doesn't make sense for us to dye your hair and get you contacts when we have—after a few lessons from Naruto, anyway—a perfectly usable…kunoichi." By then, her mask of indifference and professionalism had fallen, and she fairly cackled at the last word.
Sasuke frantically looked for a loophole—besides the totally mind-breaking wrongness of it all—in the mission specifications.
"How about that Tenten? The one on Hyuuga's team? Or what about Hyuuga? He's already got the hair for it!" His voice was tinged with desperation.
"Missions, the both of them. It's got to be you."
The Fifth leveled a glare that would have made anyone else stutter.
"You refuse?" She chuckled darkly. "Frankly, Uchiha, this isn't a matter of choice. As of 12:01 this morning, you were reinstated as a Konoha shinobi, after two years of probation, and as per our agreement, you will be allowed to take the chuunin exams this year if you take this mission. You accepted, and signed on. And that," she smirked, "is that." Something in that slightly feral baring of teeth told Sasuke that the Godaime had given him this mission for her own sick, twisted, amusement.
"That was before I found out what the damned thing entailed. And now, I refuse."
The atmosphere suddenly changed. Naruto shifted uneasily, and Sakura put a hand on Sasuke's shoulder to calm him. She'd seen the Godaime angry before and it hadn't ended well.
Tsunade leaned forward in her seat exposing an impressive amount of cleavage.
"You would leave this village, join up with a psychotic—albeit genius—and possibly pedophilic traitor to this village, all in order to gain the power to commit fratricide…but you won't take simple mission to incapacitate an obayun?A mission that will allow you to skip the waiting period for taking the chuunin exams and join the rest of your peers?"
She sat back, confident that she'd backed him into a corner, and swirled the sake bottle in her hand.
Well, Uchiha…it's nice to know your priorities are still intact."
Sasuke considered his options. On one hand, he could refuse the mission and stay the oldest genin—how embarrassing—for another six months, and watch as the rest of the former Rookie 9 became jounin. Which wouldn't be so bad, he thought. He could train, perfect his techniques for the chuunin exam and then work up to being jounin in two years.
It was settled then. He opened his mouth to refuse the mission, once and for all.
"Then again," the slug-sannin said nonchalantly, "you probably won't mind being a genin too much. I mean, between weeding gardens and chasing lost pets, it's not like you'd miss any of the excitement that comes on one of our boring old jounin missions." She hazarded a glance at him to see if her words had the desired effect.
He was wavering…
"Yeah, Sasuke-teme. You should back out." Naruto buffed his nails against his orange sports jacket, and spoke without looking at his sort-of best friend. "You probably wouldn't be able to handle all the big boy stuff, anyway. Best stick to where you're comfortable."
Years later, he'd blame it on the heat of the moment, on the sense of duty he'd had beaten into in him to follow orders, on Naruto's jibes, or on choosing between a rock and a hard place—everything except the bitter feeling he'd experienced at the thought of dead-last Naruto beating him at something.
Sakura, who'd remained silent until this point, rolled her eyes at the two of them, and conceded that no matter how old, boys would be boys.
"I knew you'd see it my way."
She glanced at him, her amber eyes alight with malicious glee.
"So it's settled. You'll learn the jutsu from Naruto, and Sakura will take care of dressing you up, and teaching you to be the sexiest kunoichi in Konoha." She turned to her apprentice for a moment.
"Sakura, while this…training is taking place, you are relieved of your medic-nin duties. Unless it's an emergency, of course."
At Sakura's understanding nod, she gestured them for them to leave her office. Just before the door had shut, after Naruto and Sakura had already started down the stairs, she spoke in a voice only Sasuke could hear.
"Tell me, Uchiha. Have you ever heard of schadenfreude?"
Unsurprisingly, Sasuke made a very pretty girl. Beautiful even, with his—her—long, smooth hair, thick lashes, fine bone structure, aristocratic nose, thin lips, full breasts, and legs that went on for miles.
Legs that were currently encased in black silk stockings, and tottering unsteadily on three-inch heels.
He kicked the offending articles of clothing off and sulked.
"Sasuke-teme, put the shoes back on."
"…Women don't wear heels with kimono."
Naruto acted as though he hadn't even spoken, and handed him the heels. He wouldn't let something silly like logic taint the magical experience of watching Sasuke wobble in three inch stilettos.
Sakura, who'd been out in the shop looking at more patterns, chose that moment to reenter the fitting area just in time to hear Naruto .
"Now, you promised you wouldn't be difficult about this, Sasuke-kun. What's the problem?"
He very nearly sputtered at her, but chose to maintain his dignity instead.
"Hahaha! Bastard, are you finally feeling like yourself now? It must have been so hard, living a lie for the past twenty years." Naruto, the model of charity that he was, had been laughing for the past five minutes at his—her—predicament.
"Geez, Sasuke! Your boobs are bigger than mine are! And Sakura-chan's eve—"
"Naruto, that's enough!" Sakura was making an effort to sound stern, but Sasuke saw through her lies. She'd been holding back her snickers since he—she'd—first slid on the black stiletto pumps.
"I did help! I taught him my super technique, didn't I? Anyway, all he really needs to worry about is being able to maintain it for a long period of time, and he's been like this for three hours now. It's not gonna take that long to take this Saito guy out is it?"
"Probably not. But still, your constant teasing isn't helping anything! Think of how Sasuke-kun must feel right now, in a body that isn't even really his!"
"Oh, cry me a river. Bastard'll get over it when he gets that chuunin vest. Won't you, Sasuke? Hmm…speaking of, we'll need a name for him. Her, I mean."
"What about Hana?"
"Nah, too girly."
"…I'm going to ignore that. Ayame?"
"Doesn't sound right. How about I pick it?"
"I hate you both. You know that, don't you?"
"Whatever, Sasuke-kun. This is all for the mission. And would you please fix your bra?"
"...They don't wear this either."
At least, he didn't think so, anyway. He didn't really know.
"Well, no, they don't. She bit her lip and looked away. "But you're not going to be wearing a kimono. Didn't shishou mention that?"
"Oh...well," she said, clearly flustered, "you're not exactly going to be posing as a...geisha. You're a...well, that is...you're going to be a...lady of the night."
Naruto frowned, confused.
Sasuke's knees buckled and Sakura looked for something to support him.
"A hooker. She wants me to be a hooker."
As Naruto roared with laughter in the background, Sakura could see his mind slowly shutting down, and looked for something to distract him. Her eyes widened.
"Oh, your bra, Sasuke-kun! You're practically popping out! It's—oh, never mind I'll do it."
She lunged, and before Sasuke realized what was happening, her hands were on his boobs and she was pushing them into the bra cups, and his brain broke right there and then.
Naruto, who was brandishing a camera and clicking away madly—Jiraiya paid for inspiration sometimes, and Naruto always needed more ramen money—squinted in that precise way he did before everything inevitably went to hell, and said
"Well, teme, at least now you can honestly say that you've gotten to second base."
Sasuke threw the shoes heel-first at Naruto's crotch.
"All right, that's it. Naruto, you go put some of our 'not getting' pile back on the racks?"
"Sure, Sakura-chan." He left, and the two were left alone.
He looked up at her, half-miserable, and half-homicidal.
"I can't imagine what you must feel right now, but look at it this way. It's only one night. And then, you'll be at the same level as Naruto and I. Just bear with it." She wrinkled her nose, and leaned in, as if to tell him a secret.
"And don't tell Naruto I told you, but…" She trailed off and he smirked in comprehension.
"He had to do it too, huh?"
She smiled cheekily.
"Why do you think I let him come along with us today?"
He suddenly felt a few degrees calmer.
"You are very attractive."
She'd voiced the same sentiment in many different ways through the years, but he was sure she'd never looked at him this way before. Gone was the open, slightly crazed, look of adoration that had been present in her eyes when she was twelve, or the unflinching desperation she'd had that night. It wasn't even the mix of awe, joy and general disbelief he'd seen when he'd been carried on Naruto's shoulders the day he'd been brought back.
She was looking at him, really looking at him like he was someone she wouldn't mind waking up next to every morning, and falling asleep with every night. There was a calm acceptance in her eyes—underneath the laughter, of course—and an unwavering devotion that told him she'd probably stay with him even if he wasn't very attractive. She really was beautiful, and he wondered how he'd missed it all along.
Sakura ran her hand through his dark hair as she went to look at more tops, voicing her envy at the lush thickness of his—her—hair.
Too bad he wasn't in the right body to fully appreciate the feel of her hand on his...head.
"Why do I have to walk through the village like this?"
"Well, you could use this time to practice all the techniques we've gone over, like your walk for instance. You're still too stiff. And you're swaggering a bit. Loosen your hips, and sway."
As he attempted to follow her instructions, he found himself almost missing the Sakura who would've died before letting any other girl see her precious Sasuke-kuuuuun! looking so…
Sakura turned around, mid-sentence, and looked at him in concern.
"Sasuke-kun? Is everything all right?"
He didn't answer right away, as he was looking for the bastard that had dared to...ugh. It was a disgrace to even think it. He mumbled something low under his breath. Naruto leaned in to hear the last bit of it, and immediately began to snicker.
"Well, what is it?"
"Oh, nothing, nothing. Someone just groped his ass, that's all."
Apparently, that was only the beginning. Across the street, a few early birds decided to make their opinion of Sasuke's transformation known to the rest of the village.
"Yeah, baby, work it!"
"Hey honey, you wanna ditch blondie over there and come to a little party with me?" The drunkard winked and leered, revealing yellowing teeth. "Your pink friend can come too, if she wants."
"Just ignore them, Sasuke-kun. They stop if you don't pay them any mind."
He had to stifle the urge to ask her how often this type of thing happened to her, instead silently vowing to, uh, escort her home—without her knowledge, otherwise she'd get ideas—and find out himself.
"Anyway," she paused as she watched him from behind, "you seem to have gotten the hang of walking in heels—"
"Maybe he's been practicing." Naruto snickered."
Sakura ignored them both. "You certainly learned a lot faster than this idiot, anyway."
"Sakura-chan! You told?"
Sasuke took a moment to decide whether it was a compliment or an insult that he grasped the concept of being a woman faster than his moronic rival. He shrugged and settled with being apathetic.
Sakura puffed her cheeks, and Sasuke had to resist the urge to smirk a little.
"Sasuke-kun, I told you. No grunting!"
"So. Let's go over everything you've learned."
"…Girls don't grunt, or swagger, or spit, or scratch themselves. They walk lightly, and slowly, and…they sway. Gracefully."
Naruto took this opportunity to potentially prolong Sasuke's suffering.
"Sakura-chan, are you sure that's all he needs to know about seduction? Doesn't he need to learn the, ah, finer points, as well?"
"Naruto, Sasuke-kun isn't actually going to sleep with Saito Kyou. Essentially, he's just a distraction while we slip the knock-out drug into his nightly umeshu. So he just needs to learn the basics: how to gain his attention and keep it. Now, Sasuke-kun," she turned to him expectantly, "show us your come-hither eyes."
Sasuke attempted to imitate the heated look that Sakura had leveled at him from beneath her lashes, but it ended up looking more like he was having a painful muscle spasm near the corner of his eye.
Sakura smiled encouragingly at him.
"It's all right Sasuke-kun. Try," she spoke softly, a faint blush coloring her cheeks as she spoke, "try thinking of something…or someone…desirable when you're doing it."
He pictured pink hair splayed across his pillows, soft lips bruised from hard kisses, her voice gasping his name like a prayer, smooth, pale skin under his calloused palms, white, even teeth biting his hand to keep from screaming too loud—
"…teme! Teme! Hey, I'm talking to you!"
Sasuke snapped out of his fantasy, as Naruto's grating, loud voice tore him from his reverie.
"Geez, what were you thinking about? You looked kind of…off…for a second. Anyway, Sakura-chan said that was exactly the look she was talking about, and to tell you to keep practicing. She went back to go buy you another bra."
The blond snickered.
"She says the one you have on now might be a little too small."
Later, after Naruto had gone to Ichiraku for dinner, Sakura met Sasuke at the Uchiha Estates. He'd released the jutsu for the night, comforted by the fact that in two days, this entire mess would be put behind him and they could all pretend it never happened.
And if he had to beat the memories out of Naruto, well, that was a sacrifice he was willing to make.
Sakura's voice dragged him away from the oh-so-pleasant mental image of beating his rival into a little orange smear.
"So, Sasuke-kun, the reason I'm here tonight is to…assist you with the last part of your training."
He raised a brow at her.
"I was under the impression that we'd finished all that."
"Well, we haven't."
She looked at him intently.
"Sasuke-kun, have you ever been kissed?"
"That blush on your face says 'no.'"
"…Uchiha do not blush."
"So I suppose you've had a sudden rash, then?"
"Right. So. I'm going to kiss you now." She sounded shaky. Good. It was nice to know that he wasn't the only one feeling weird about this.
Sasuke felt his palms start to go sweaty…
"Close your eyes, Sasuke-kun."
She brushed her lips over his, once, twice. He started to get impatient. Why was she taking so long? Did she not think he could handle it or something?
He'd show her.
He slanted his mouth over hers, eliciting a gasp from the surprised girl. After a few moments, she responded eagerly, twining her hands in his hair and pressing herself closer against him. His hands hesitantly slipped down from her shoulders to rest at her waist, his right hand traveling to the small of her back in order to push her that much closer to his chest. She moaned at the contact, but after a few more teasing nips at his lower lip, she broke the kiss and sagged against him, breathless.
"Well, Sasuke-kun," she said, still panting for breath, "you've certainly got that skill down."
He smirked at the dazed look in her eyes.
"OK, this is it, Sasuke-kun, or should I say, Sachi-chan."
He grimaced at the fake name. That dobe should never have been allowed to choose his alias.
"Let's recap the plan. Naruto and I are going to present you to Saito-san as a...goodwill offering from the Land of Tea, you know, the village who hired us. You work your magic, and Naruto and I will do the rest. Sound good?" She smiled at him, and fixed the hair ornament nestled in his—her—black hair.
Naruto yawned at the display of sentimentality but couldn't resist getting a few more jabs in.
"Enjoy it while you can, Sasuke-teme. Tomorrow, you'll have to go back to living your lie."
He ducked to avoid the blow he knew was coming, and quickly fell into step beside Sakura.
"You're very beautiful, you know."
"Sachi" tried to smile seductively, but only ended up looking constipted. But, she did manage to look appropriately flattered.
"Your words are most appreciated, Saito-san."
"Delightful, beautiful woman you are. Long, lean, leggy." The slightly overweight man waggled his eyebrows meaningfully and leaned closer to her.
"I'll bet you're a real wildcat in bed, hmm? Hmm?" He chuckled lasciviously at his own joke, and placed a meaty hand on her thigh.
"Let's find out, huh?"
He dragged his other hand up the slope of her arm, making sure to graze the sides of her breasts, and placed it on the nape of her neck. Sachi grimaced, and tried to be brave. "She'd" faced worse than this, after all—but not by much.
Just before his thick lips made contact with her own, he slumped over, the drug in the plum wine finally having taken effect. He fell face-first into her breasts, and Sasuke released the jutsu. His almost-lover—shudder—fell to the floor, head banging none too gently against the floor. Giving it a slight kick, he walked out to find Sakura, who had brought a change of clothes.
They were walking home—back to the Uchiha grounds—two days after the mission when Sasuke stopped.
"What is it?"
"Oh, Sakura, there's something I should tell you." She turned to him and smiled brightly.
"What is it, Sasuke-kun?"
"Do you remember those pictures Naruto took while we were in the dressing room?"
"Oh! Um, yes. You destroyed those, didn't you?"
"…I asked for copies."
"…So he didn't destroy them. Which means that, at this moment, he is probably meeting that master of all perverts, and selling pictures of my groping your girl form and this isn't a PROBLEM for you?"
Sasuke was not scared. Really.
"Sasuke-kun, because I love your face, I'm going to give you a ten-second head start."
And not too far away, a fox made a deal with the white-haired devil, and the beginnings of Icha Icha Paradise, Volume II, was put on paper.
Um. This is probably the result of a build-up of non-angst fiction. Yeah.
So, please review! Because Reviews are love.
And for something totally different, do check out my kill something beautiful. It's nothing at all like this.
I'm sorry for my crack. D:
til next time!