"DAMN YOU, SIRIUS BLACK!" I screamed. I poured more mouthwash into my mouth and gurgled vigorously as I took a soapy sponge and began scrubbing my lips.
"Tina, calm down!" Lily commanded gently.
"THAT BASTARD!" I roared as I went up to my bed and began punching and kicking the wall. "HE KISSED ME! HE KISSED ME!"
"Tina, Tina!" Lily pulled me away from the wall and sat me down on her bed. "It's alright,"
"No it's not!" I protested, trying to swallow a colossal lump that had settled in my throat. "Remus was there! Remus saw!" I put my hands over my eyes and I felt tears trying to trickle out from between my fingers. "Why me? Why did he have to be there?" I held back a sob.
"Don't hold it in, Tina. I don't care if you cry." Lily took me in her arms and I rested my head on her shoulder. A tear slid down the side of my nose and lingered at the tip of it for several seconds until it finally dripped onto Lily's fleece jacket.
"Why would Sirius do that?" I cried out.
Lily paused for a moment. "I don't know…just a Sirius-thing, I guess."
"Sirius purposely did it right in front of Remus! Just to spite me!" I sobbed. "Why does he hate me?"
"You think Sirius did it out of hatred?" Lily seemed slightly amused. "The man kissed you!"
"Lily," I knew she was hiding something. "Sirius kisses anyone,"
"True," Lily's tongue poked out of the side of her mouth as she thought. "With that whole Minnie incident…"
"He did it in front of the person I…" I had almost let it slip. I clamped my hand over my mouth.
Lily rolled her eyes. "Tina…I know you like Remus…just admit it…I don't care if you do," Lily smirked. "You two are a perfect couple."
"We could've been," I sniffed despondently. "But now…it's hopeless…it's over…"
"I've never known you to be a drama-queen," Lily chortled. "I think…for once…you're overreacting…" Lily patted my shoulder. "About something other than getting an O- on a quiz."
"But now Remus is going to think I'm a flirt…"
"He saw you push Black away," Lily gave me an encouraging smile. "Sirius is the one that he's going to hate…"
"Hate?!" I let out a noise that sounded like a mix between a sob and a giggle. "Why should he hate me?" Before Lily could respond, I answered my own question.
"Because he isn't jealous! Because he doesn't like me! He turned me down yesterday and then…then I see him goofing around with his friends…" I laughed scornfully. "Of course he can hang out with his friends…I don't care!"
"He turned you down?" Lily raised her eyebrows. "Why the hell would he do that?"
"Because he thinks I'm an ugly, stupid, not to mention desperate…cripple." I had just metaphorically tied lead blocks to my self-esteem and thrown them in the Dead Sea. My confidence was sinking into the depths of the cold, dark, salty sea.
"I've known Remus longer than you…and I know he doesn't think like that," Lily stood up. "And…you are definitely not ugly, you are not stupid, and you are not desperate."
"But, I'm handicapped." I sighed. Even uttering the truth hurt like nails being driven into my spine.
"No…you said you were crippled," Lily gazed at me with her young, vivacious eyes. But behind the youthful appearance, I could see something rare and special. Lily had wisdom in her eyes. "The thing on you that is crippled cannot be seen by the naked eye." Lily took a deep breath. "Tina, you have a crippled heart."
"A what?" I said incredulously.
"A crippled heart," Lily repeated.
"What does that…?"
"Just think about it for a while," Lily cut me off. "I'm going to go to the library and I suggest that you take a shower and get to bed,"
Lily left the room, leaving me all alone, my only companions being my swirling thoughts. As Lily shut the door, I sat on the bed…utterly befuddled.
I knew that last night's transformation had been an exhausting one, but when I woke up in my bed I wondered why I was feeling so crummy. My back hurt terribly and my entire body felt like a bowl of Jell-O, but the awful feeling wasn't a physical pain…it was an emotional cactus up my butt.
An image of Sirius snogging Tina flashed before my eyes. I had found the cactus.
"DAMN IT!" I roared as I leapt out of bed. "SIRIUS!" I threw on a T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants and stepped into a pair of brown flip-flops.
"Moony?" Peter was brushing his teeth. We were the only two in the room.
"What?!" I snapped.
Peter spit out his toothpaste and threw his toothbrush down. He scurried over to where I stood and gave me a worried look. "Are you alright?"
"I'm good," I tried to calm myself down. I hated being irrational.
"Last night," Peter patted me on the shoulder. "I wouldn't be okay…I mean…Paddy nabbed your girl!"
Instead of protesting with, "Tina's not my girl!" I instead replied nonchalantly with,
"I'm going to be fine, Wormtail," I slapped on a smile. "But…I can't say the same for Sirius."
Peter let out a terrified squeak. "Moony! You can't do that!"
"Who says I can't?" I challenged him.
"I do," Peter said with a gulp.
"Peter," I said, using his proper name to make a point. "He kissed Tina right in front of me…while I transformed! How do you think that makes me feel? Do you think I wanted to be reminded that I can never be with her because of…" I tried to remain calm. "Sirius can have anyone…and I know that. But I can't have anyone…I have no one. I'm not supposed to have anyone…I'm supposed to be alone."
"You're not, Moony," Peter got on tiptoe to put his arm around me. "Tina likes you much more than Padfoot."
"Not anymore," I laughed dryly. "I...I…turned her down,"
Peter's eyes widened. "What?!" He was flabbergasted. "You did what?!"
"She asked me…" I swallowed a nasty lump in my throat. "…to go have coffee. I…turned her down…because it was a full moon."
"How did she react?" Peter inquired.
"I think I hurt her feelings," I rubbed my forehead and groaned. "But I guess I'd hurt Tina more if I ever attacked her."
"You wouldn't attack her," Peter protested. "If she knew about your condition, she'd be smart enough to stay away during a full moon."
"I couldn't ever tell her!" The idea even made my blood freeze. "If she knew…"
"Why shouldn't she accept you?"
"I'm a werewolf…I'm dangerous." I stated blandly.
"No…you're Remus…and you're a fun, nice, smart, awesome guy," Peter encouraged me.
I took what Peter said to heart and requested,
"Peter? Could I be alone for a little while?"
Peter nodded and left the room so I could ponder the meaning of my life.