I dont own the Harry Potter characters
Moony Pulls A Moony
I was walking down the road and it just made me giggle.
Why not share it with all you people?
"Oi! Moony! Would you get your head out of that book for five minutes and tell Wormtail that werewolves do not shag for pleasure?" Sirius Black yelled at his seventeen year old friend, James Potter at his shoulder, both looking at him in annoyance.
Remus Lupin sighed and put the book down on the nearby table. He was tall and thin, and had a constant air of bad health. Had it not been for the constant white of his skin, he might have been considered attractive. Of course, stood next to his two best friends, quidditch players with striking good lucks as it was, he would merely have appeared cute, but he would always look better than his plump little friend Peter. He supposed that was something to be glad for.
"We do. But not at full moon." He grinned wolfishly. "I shag like an animal."
Sirius and James guffawed. Peter shifted uncomfortably. It was a well known fact that Peter was the only virgin among the four.
"I told you wormtail. Animals screw merely for the purpose of breeding. And that, my friend, is why you now owe me ten galleons."
Peters shoulders drooped as he walked off to his dormitory to collect his money bag.
"How could he not know that?" James said, awed. "He hangs out with one every month and..."
"Shut it!" Remus hissed, as a first year walked past.
"Sorry Moony," James grinned. "I forgot."
"Yeah... you always seem to..." Remus grinned despite himself.
"Prongs, I do believe the three of us have to get going," Sirius said quickly, checking his watch.
"Right you are Padfoot," James grabbed Remus by the shoulder and pushed him toward the portrait hole of the Gryffindor common room.
"But what about Wormtail?" Remus frowned as they emerged on the corridor.
James and Sirius exchanged glances, grinning. "Jokes on him." They laughed, leading the way to the highest tower.
"As you know Moony, dear Wormtail has astronomy to do, and he's bloody awful with that telescope of his. And he absolutely, completely, one hundred percent always, manages to swing the darned thing 360 before he actually realizes there really are stars in the sky..." Sirius grinned at James.
"And that," James continued. "Is our joke. His assignment is to measure the distance between the moon and its closest star..." he stifled a laugh as he tried to explain.
"And so.." Sirius choked, "he's going to see a moon..."
"And several stars..."
"But they're not going to be real!"
James guffawed loudly.
Sirius hit himself on the chest to stop his choking.
Remus frowned. "I don't... get it..."
His friends expressions faltered. "You don't?" Sirius gaped.
James sighed. "We put a little jinx on his telescope. Not a serious one, but just one that means he won't be able to see the real moons, or planets, or stars. Then we figured, rather than just give him a blank sky, we'd give him some... replacements..."
Sirius chuckled. "You see this Moony?" He said, holding up a can of something.
"This, my dear fellow, is anti-disillusion Moon paint..."
"We're going to spray something with this, anti-disillusion it, then there'll be a floating moon."
James nodded and held up a similar can. "Anti-disillusion Star paint. We've sprayed some pieces of parchment and disillusioned them, levitating them from various heights, giving our dear friend, a night sky, full of stars and moon."
Sirius nodded. "The final stage of the plan, is to make a moon, and several more stars." He grinned. "And you, my dear friend, are a very good Moony."
Remus stared. "But... why can't I be a star?" He argued.
"Because stars are hanging out much more than butt cheeks." James retorted. "And, we've already sprayed certain... areas... of our anatomy, and they itch like little buggers!"
Remus chuckled despite himself. "And how long have you been planning this?"
"Several hours." Sirius yawned. "Now come on. There are three broomsticks over there. Get your arse out and let me spray it!"
Remus glared at him. "Are you positive you're not gay?"
"Of course I'm positive," Sirius said. "I'm as gay as MacMillann!"
"He could be gay!" James pointed out.
"No, he's just a pompous prat!" Sirius argued. "Now pants off Moony or I'll do it myself."
Remus groaned and lowered the backs of his jeans and boxers; there was a shaking of a can, then a spray, and a very cold tingling sensation on his buttocks.
"Perfect Moon!" Sirius grinned. "Of course, if our little friend has any common sense, or any remote sense of cleverness, he'll realize it can't be full moon, because Moony's not in the Shack, but who knows." He pointed at himself with his wand and was instantly seethrough except for several parts of his anatomy which sparkled like stars. James did the same, and then The two pointed at Remus, who was then a sparkling white blob which moved as he did. They each grabbed a broom and climbed on, disillusioning that in turn, then flying upwards and settling in their positions. If anyone had looked out of their window, they would have noticed some rather peculiar lunar activity.
"Moony!" James hissed, "stay still! The lights in the astronomy tower are on!"
Peter walked over to his telescope, frowning. He had specifically asked James to come and help him with his assignment so that they could go and play wizards chess later, but his three friends had disappeared from view. Nevermind, he told himself, they would owe him a favour next time he needed help. He swung his telescope round wildly in an attempt to find the moon. There were several extremely bright stars in the sky. He looked down at his notes. Apparently that was due to Saturn's penis... he supposed Sirius had meddled with his notes again. Growling and complaining he found the moon, and frowned. It looked very much like two round orbs stuck very close together. He scribbled on his paper.
Double lunar - due to the movement of pluto's planets.
He didn't know what that meant, though it sounded good. Another look, and he took a rough diagram of the stars nearest the strange double lunar. Assuming that he was right, one star was slightly closer than the others, which meant he had to measure its distance across on the telescopes lens, times that by 17.2 and... he checked his notes and frowned. James had been playing with his notes too. Jack off over Padfoot, was written next to a crude little stick man diagram. Peter sighed. He had no idea, and looked back at the moon with interest. It was really quite a sight. He wondered if Remus had ever seen a double lunar before - Peter had really never heard of one before, but he would never tell their stupid Proffesor Pringstan that. He continued to scribble.
Moon seems to have two globes meeting at a central point. Closest stars seem to be moving slightly - possibly due to gravitational forces within space?
Peter chewed his quill. Where were those three? He wanted to ask about the double moon. It really was quiet an extraordinary sight. "Stupid prats." he hissed to himself.
Remus saw a part of a nearby 'star' moving and frowned to himself. "Padfoot?"
"Yes Moony?" Sirius voice sounded from the nearby star, amusement in his voice.
"What in gods name are you doing to make that star move like that?"
Sirius seemed to stifle a laugh. "Well, you see Moony old fellow, long ago, in the ancient times of cavemen, man discovered the art of self pleasuring. Now, this involved using hands and mind to stimulate certain fantasies about certain..."
"Enough!" Growled Remus, who had almost fallen off his broomstick at his friends admission. "Is he still in there."
"Of course he is." James called. "He'll be in there for hours yet!"
"You know," Remus complained, "it's freezing. I didn't know we were coming out, and I'm wearing a jumper with my butt hanging out of my trousers!"
"It's still hanging out?" Sirius questioned. "But your trousers are disillusioned. You could just cover yourself up for warmth, Wormtail won't know any different."
Shivering, Remus shook his head, then, remembering that they could not see him, he said, "I can't. I can't move without falling off this dratted thing."
James laughed. "I reckon if we start flying around in a bit, good old Wormtail will reckon he's found something amazing. The first time the moon was spotted moving! The first time stars flew! The first time..."
"The first time Sirius Black jacked off into the wind," Sirius guffawed.
Remus groaned in disgust. "Is that really neccessary?" He complained.
"Of course not, but niether is sex..."
"Speak for yourself," James called.
Laughter rippled through them.
"I reckon we can start flying just about now..." Sirius stated.
James spoke his assent. Remus sighed. "Alright." He growled. "But I'm going to kill you later!"
Peter watched with unrestrained interest as the moon seemed to slip slightly in the sky, and a star nearby seemed to move slightly. How perculiar, he thought.
Moon moving in downward motion, whilst closest star seems to move up and down - again, gravitational forces in space to blame.
Half-heartedly, he attempted to measure the distance between star and moon on his lens, but the moving star proved difficult to place. He decided to guess, and measured off at 3.5cm.
3.5 x 17.2 60.2
Then that, he supposed, had to be timesed by the scale of sky compared to the lens. It was on a lens focus of x 100.
60.2 x 100 602cm in distance.
He frowned. There was another step, but he couldn't remember it... was it a multiplication by the power of something? No... he didn't know. Perhaps a division? Yes, that must be it.
602 divided by 212 2.836226415094339622641509433962cm
That sounded about right.
He jammed his eye back to the telescope and gasped. The moon and their nearest stars were moving! How? Remus would have been able to explain of course, probably something to do with the magnetic pull of the stars on the moon, and the moon on the sun, but he could not explain. It was like they were jumping up and down! How could a moon jump? In space, it must be moving up and down at incalculable speed.
He scribbled another note on his paper.
The three of them returned to the common room, shivering, and hurried to their dormitory to get changed before Peter returned. When he did, they were playing a game of exploding snap. The three looked up and greeted him enthusiastically.
"Where did you go?" They asked.
"Astronomy..." Peter frowned. "But where were you?"
"We were here..." James said hesitantly, clearly worried about his friends state of mind.
"But..." Peter shook his head. "I don't remember... you won't believe this! I was in astronomy, and the moon started to jump!"
Remus, Sirius and James pointedly avoided looking at each other.
"And what is the scientifical theory behind that?" James probed.
Peter, clearly pleased that his knowledge had brought such awe to his three friends, produced his notes and glanced over them, then looked back. "Well firstly, the moon was really quite odd tonight. It had two globes which joined, which at first seemed really odd because... well... the moons meant to be round! But still, there I was, looking at this double lunar and..."
"Whats that?" Sirius feigned interest, moving to the edge of his seat, attempting to portray excitement. Peter took it as such.
"Double lunar, my research says, is a result of Pluto's planets moving in opposing directions and creating a silhouette through the sky which then reflects off our own moon!"
Remus, Sirius and James attempted to be awed by this, though all of them realized that their friend truly did have no clue about astronomy.
Remus looked at the floor as Sirius asked the next, embarrassing question. "What did it look like? I bet it was amazing!"
"It was! It was one of the most extraordinary things I've ever seen, I swear! It was beautiful!"
James and Sirius guffawed, then shoved their fists into their mouths.
"What's so funny?" Peter demanded.
"Nothing..." Sirius managed. "You just... sounded a bit like a poof..."
Peter glared, then turned to Remus. "Anyway, I was watching the double lunar and the moon and stars just started moving, slow at first but then they were just zooming about. I figured it out, and it must have been going at at least the speed of light because..."
"Did you manage the other calculation Wormtail?" James interrupted.
Peter stared, annoyed, then handed over the piece of parchment with his calculation of distance on it.
James looked at it, grinned, then handed it to Sirius.
"What?" Peter said, frowning. "It's right isn't it?"
"Well Peter, firstly, you don't divide by 291 until you've times by 10000, and secondly, you'd then have to translate cm into kilometres, and thirdly..." James cracked and laughed. "You tell him."
Sirius grinned and nodded. "And thirdly, you're calculations suggest that my cock was two point something or other centimetres away from Remus' ass."
Remus flushed red and grabbed his book.
James and Sirius bellowed with laughter.
"Moony pulled a Moony you see Peter," James explained when they had worn out their laughing. "And Sirius here represented the star of Sirius itself. So scientifically speaking..."
"I'm on the verge of giving Remus anal?" Sirius frowned. "Why didn't we choose that Leroy girl in Ravenclaw to be our Moony?"
Astronomy tower may well be the highest... but not in this story!
I was really mega bored and not in the mood for writing for my other story. It's just a one shot lame story to fill time and keep my own deprived head amused. It may well go, but no harm in trying.
Mage of the Heart