The Theory of Relativity
A/N: has nothing to do with the actual theory of relativity.
Disclaimer: Own nothing.
Timesetting: summer between S4 & S5
Some Time Later…
Buffy stared out upon the sea of dark and gothic people, feeling oddly out of place in her silk white dress. The way they were all dressed, she honestly had thought she'd accidentally gone to a funeral instead of a wedding.
"Buffy," she turned to her left as she heard her best friend, Willow, call out to her, "Come on, join the party."
Willow herself was dressed in a black dress with odd leather bindings wrapped around her stomach and chest, very much like Tara's dress, only Willow had a leather collar on, while Tara did not.
"I dunno, Wills," Buffy said, sipping her champagne, "I feel so out of place, here."
"Nah, duh, you big dummy," Willow said with a grin, "You're wearing white to Wednesday and Xander's wedding! You had to have known that they'd only have black here!"
"…Yeah, I'm an idiot," Buffy muttered.
"Yeah, you are," Buffy glared at her, "Still, even idiots are having fun. Hell, look at Anya and Pugsley…where'd they go?"
"To a broom closet," the two looked over to see Wednesday's mother, Morticia, walking over to them, her tight black dress present as ever, "How are you fairing this evening?"
"I'm so depressed," Buffy muttered.
"I'm so drunk," Willow said, "You sure know how to throw together a party, Mrs. Addams."
"Please, call me Morticia," the pale woman replied, "We have more finger sandwiches and other treats, if you'd like."
"No, thank you," Buffy replied, "I just don't feel like doing much tonight."
"I understand," Morticia said with a sigh, "Weddings tend to make one gloomy and depressed…we really need to have more of them."
With that, she walked on, leaving a silence between the two friends.
"…I think I'm gonna go find Tara," Willow said, looking around for her lover, "I can't wait till we get to Europe next summer! Just imagine it, I'm gonna be a wife!!"
"That's something I desperately want to see happen," Buffy remarked, before sighing, "I guess I'd better find Mom and Dawn, Lord only knows what either of them are up to."
"They grow up so fast," Joyce said as she watched her daughter dance, "It's like, one second they're so little, the next, they're growing hair out of places they didn't even know they had."
"That's not so much of a problem with us," Margaret said, smiling as she watched her son danced with Dawn, "I believe my son has a crush on your daughter."
"Well, Dawn is quite beautiful," Joyce replied, "I must say, he has exquisite hair."
"Yes, takes after his father, same flirtatious attitude, debonair and cavalier style that makes Itt so famous."
"…What's his name?"
"Yes," Margaret answered with a smile, waving at her little boy.
"Yes is his name," Joyce asked, getting confused.
"What," Margaret corrected.
"I asked if 'Yes' was his name," Joyce asked.
"No, What," Margaret responded.
"…His name is…"
"What," Margaret said.
"Ah, Ok," Joyce said, giving up on her.
"Mom," Dawn called out, bringing What with her, "This guy is, like, so cool! I can't, like, understand a word he says, but his voice sounds, like, really cool!"
"Dawn, don't be so insensitive," Joyce admonished her daughter.
'What' said something in a squeaky voice, causing Margaret to laugh.
"What'd he say," Joyce inquired, afraid of the answer.
"He's wondering why he can't understand anything she says," Margaret replied, "He says it sounds like she says 'like' with every other breath."
Dawn glared at What.
"ITT, OLD MAN," Gomez greeted his cousin, "RIPPER, OLD MAN!!"
"Hello, Gomez," Giles greeted his friend, "I was just taking a moment to get reacquainted with dear Itt here."
Cousin Itt, dressed in his usual sunglasses and derby hat, responded in his squeaky voice, causing Gomez and Giles to laugh uncontrollably for a few seconds.
"Indeed, old man," Gomez said, wiping a tear from his eye, "I must say, Ripper, your beautiful dame is stealing the show."
Giles looked over to where Joyce and Margaret were talking, with Morticia coming up to them. Simultaneously, all three men cringed.
"No matter how beautiful they are, it's always a fright to see three women discussing something," Giles said, "Particularly when you know it's about you."
Itt made a few comments, causing both men to nod in agreement.
"Indeed," Gomez said with a grin, "I know I wouldn't trade Tish for the world…Ripper, old man, when are you going to settle down?"
"Oh, at some point in the future, when I find the right woman," Giles said with a grin.
"I believe you have already found her," Gomez indicated behind him, backing away from him.
"Rupert," Giles turned about, smiling at Joyce, "Care to dance?"
"Just hold tight, love," Spike said to Harmony as he led her across the dance floor.
"I'm scared," Harmony replied, looking around her in suspicion, "Why're we even here, anyway?"
"We're here to see if we can get in good with these blokes," Spike replied, weaving her around the throngs of people, "These are some of the most powerful people in the world, Harm, if we get in good with them, there'll be no telling what we can do."
"I still don't understand why she invited us," Harmony muttered, still very nervous about being in Wednesday's presence.
"Well," the two looked over to see Xander, dressed in his wedding tux, walking over to them with a smile and two glasses of wine, "I'm no expert, but, I think it's because she's getting a kick out of watching you two try and politick your way into the Addams' good graces…and, just because she knows how nervous you would be, Harmony. Wine?"
"Sure, whelp," Spike responded, taking a glass and sipping it while Harmony just kicked it back and drank all of it, "So, how's the unhappily married man doing tonight? Still frolicking in the abysmal-"
"Spike," he stiffened as he heard a familiar voice behind him, along with a pair of strong hands landing on his shoulders, "Don't you know it's bad luck to insult the groom on his wedding day?"
"Angel, you great poofter," Spike said, ripping himself away from him, "How the Hell did you get here?"
"Teleportation," Cordelia Chase responded, coming up beside Angel, dressed in a beautiful black dress, "When Xander called, I just had to come."
"Cordy," Harmony greeted her former friend, "How's it going in LA?"
"Fun," Cordelia said, sending an icy glare to Harmony, "So, Xander told us a funny story on the phone…something about summer camp?"
Harmony stiffened at that.
"And, Spike," Angel smiled a scathing smile at his childe, "You and Harmony? What would Dru say?"
Spike glared at him, but he knew that he wasn't any match for Angel, not amongst Xander and his clan.
"LIAM, OLD MAN," all turned their heads to see Gomez Addams, rushing forward, a joyous look on his face, "Dear me, I haven't seen you in years! How are you?"
Angel and Gomez enthusiastically shook hands, with the two walking off to speak in private.
"Congratulations, Xander," Cordelia said as she hugged him, "I can honestly say that…you could have done worse."
"Yeah," Xander responded, chuckling as he did so, "I could've wound up with Harmony."
"In your dreams," said vampiress responded.
"I thought you hated the poofter as much as I do," Spike demanded, "And, what's with you and her speaking? You haven't spoken since she left for the Holy Land."
"I went to Hollywood, you idiot," Cordelia responded.
"That is my Holy Land," Spike replied, "You can walk around in game face and no one thinks anything of it! It's bloody fantastic."
"To answer your original question," Xander picked up, "Yes, Angel and I still dislike each other, and yes, Cordy and I are still rocky, but, when it comes to annoying you two, everyone's on the same page."
Ignoring their shocked looks, Xander extended an arm to Cordelia, who smiled and took it. Before following him to the dance floor, however, she turned back to Harmony.
"Wednesday promised to show me a picture of that retainer," she said, smirking at her, "Enjoy the wedding!"
Spike and Harmony stared after them, a combination of shock and anger preventing them from making a move.
Harmony sighed and said, "This sucks!"
"It was a dark service," Tara said, holding Wednesday's hand as she did so, "Very much like you."
"Thank you," Wednesday replied, genuinely blushing as she did so, "And thank you for being our maid of honor. How was the…"
"Bachelor party," Tara finished with a smile, "It was fine, we played cards with Gomez, Giles, and Fester. Willow gave Xander the speech."
Wednesday smiled at that, relishing in the discomfort he must have felt.
"No strippers," Wednesday asked, she had been adamant in her demands.
"Just whores and prostitutes," Tara joked, eliciting a glare from Wednesday that actually made her cringe, "Seriously, no girls at all, save me and Willow."
"How are my girls," Xander greeted the two, wrapping an arm around each of them.
"You don't have any girls," Wednesday responded with a grimace, though she was obviously fighting a smile.
"You're right," Xander said, letting go of Tara as he wrapped both his arms around his wife, "Instead, I've been cursed by the darkest flower in the world."
Wednesday's smile grew even more as she blushed.
"I'll be out in the cemetery," Wednesday said, "Please, Alex, get us some wine?"
"No prob," Xander said, grabbing Tara by the arm as he went to the refreshment table, "Did you tell her?"
"No, I didn't," Tara responded, "Willow and I had so much fun, I just couldn't let your honeymoon be ruined like that."
"Excellent," Xander said, "By the way, whatever happened to the strippers? Lurch took them out of the room, and I don't know what happened after that."
"He drove them home," Tara replied, before smiling as she remembered the night before, "Damn, they were gorgeous."
"Officially, no, they pale in comparison to Wednesday," Xander said, "Unofficially…bang bang!"
Tara fell into fits of giggles, right along with Xander.
"Shh," Pugsley silenced Anya as the two stared down over the balcony, "Any minute now."
"What're we going to see," Anya asked, very excited and nervous.
"Wednesday's last test."
"Alex," Wednesday greeted her husband as he sat down in the fresh earth beside her, two glasses of wine in hand, "I want to know something."
"I don't care what you think, I'm not getting a piercing," Xander preempted her.
"Oh, darn," she replied dully.
"So, what's up," he asked, handing her her wine.
"I was thinking about the dead," Wednesday replied, "Imagine it. You…me…together in a grave."
"Yeah," he said before turning to her and asking, "Why are we out here?"
"You do realize we're going to die someday, right," Wednesday inquired.
"…You remind me every day," Xander responded, "Why all this thought about death?"
Wednesday stared at him for a moment before sighing and standing up, leaving him down on the earth, staring up at her. He slowly brought himself up, pushing against the ground as he did so…
…and two hands came up from the ground, grabbing his wrists.
Pugsley and Anya held each other as they struggled to control their laughter.
"He's not dead yet," Fester said, staring out at him.
"I knew he would last longer than Glicker," Gomez said with a smile, "He may not have our blood, but he's an Addams, through and through!"
"That's a toast, if ever I heard one," Giles remarked, "Gomez, you must demonstrate that dance you mentioned."
Gomez and Fester shared a long look.
"Shall we, then, brother dear," Fester inquired.
"We shall," he said, taking two kitchen knives from a nearby waiter.
"Are you done yet," Wednesday asked, "You obviously aren't going to die."
Xander tossed both Sophia and Thing away, staring at them with obvious disgust.
"Why," he demanded, but both hands lift themselves up in the common gesture meaning 'I dunno.'
"Leave us," Wednesday told them, "Sit, Alex."
"…Once more, WHY," he demanded, though he sat down as well.
"It was just to see how much fear you could handle," Wednesday remarked, grinning ever so slightly, "And, obviously, you can handle a lot."
"…So, that was a test," Xander asked, to which Wednesday nodded, "You are so evil."
"You love me for it," Wednesday replied.
"God damn me, I do," he muttered, wrapping an arm around his love.
"Xander," she said, "…I'm late."
"Nice try," he replied, staring up into the skies.
She said nothing, only leaned her head into his shoulder.
"…You aren't for real, are you?"
"I am," she said, "And, I'm pregnant, too…I found out this morning."
"…I'm gonna be a daddy," Xander said, before another thought occurred to him, "…You called me Xander…that's the first time you ever have."
"If I have a son, I want him to be Alex," Wednesday replied, "It'd be easier if you're Xander and he's Alex."
"What if it's a girl," he asked the obvious.
"Morana," she replied, "After the Slavic goddess of winter and death."
He took a moment to ponder that, before nodding his head and replying, "I'm freezing in the middle of a graveyard as we discuss baby names…why the Hell not?"