Usopp's 'this will not end well' senses were prickling, along with the hairs on the back of his neck. Nami was leaning against the bar in a casual fashion belying the fact that a large, hairy, simian man was leaning over her with one hand pressed against the bar top and the other making repeated attempts to settle on her waist.
"C'mon," the man growled, in a way that Usopp suspected was meant to be alluring. "He's all the way over there, you're over here…looks like a girl like you could use some company, eh? Why don't you let me show you a good time?"
"Oh, I don't think my husband would be very happy about that," Nami replied, sweetness in her voice and eyes barely hiding the tone of dire warning that was clearly directed at the table occupied by Usopp and Zoro. "In fact, I think he might just come over here and give you a piece of his mind if you keep talking to me…"
Her eyes flicked over to the table and landed on Usopp, betraying a flash of malice before shifting back to the man before her. Me? Usopp thought, horrified. She wants me to handle that guy?
"Oh, I kinda doubt that," said the man (the very tall, very muscular man who could probably crack Usopp in half over his knee) answered, clamping his beefy hand onto Nami's shoulder.
Usopp's sense of propriety and honor overtook his survival instincts long enough to get him out of his chair, and Nami's frantic gaze (a cross between pleading and I-will-kick-your-ass-six-ways-from-Sunday-if-you-don't-do-something) hauled him the rest of the way over to the bar. The wrath of the Strawhat navigator beat anything this moose could do to him by a mile.
"I…" Usopp began, so quietly at first that the man didn't even notice him. Nami kicked him in the ankle. Usopp took a deep breath and said, as loudly as he could manage without his voice cracking in terror (which turned out to be just a touch above an average speaking level), "I think y-you should get your hands off my wife if, if you kn-know what's good for you."
The man looked down at Usopp with an expression that was less amused and malevolent, which is what he'd been expecting, than it was bewildered. He looked back at Nami, then over at the table where Zoro still sat, obliviously drinking his beer, and finally back to Usopp, still baffled. "She said she was with that guy," he said, jerking a thumb at Zoro.
Usopp opened and shut his mouth a few times before turning to stare at Nami. She was making a very angry face at him. "Well, you—" he stopped, blanched, and turned back to the man, who was still confused but growing irritated. Maybe he could talk their way out of this… "She, uh…she is! She is with him. She's with me, too. We…uh…we're kind of…"
That was when he felt a heavy hand land on his shoulder and haul him helpfully out of the way.
"Now that you've succeeded in upsetting my wife and my husband," Zoro said coolly, drawing two inches of Kitetsu's blade from its scabbard and leveling the man with a very dangerous gaze, "I think you'd better leave."
"Oh yeah?" said the man, stepping back from the bar and glaring down at Zoro from under his prominent brow. "Or you'll do what? Slice me to chunks in the middle of a crowded bar? I'm a big guy, buddy, but I'm not stupid."
"Neither am I," Zoro said, putting Kitetsu away and hooking his thumbs into his belt loops. "I can take you without my swords. You want to take this outside, or will you leave quietly? Either way, I suggest you make up your mind before our cook gets back from the restroom. He won't be very happy when he finds out you've been hitting on his wife, either."
"Why were you looking at me if you told him you were with him?!" Usopp hissed behind Zoro's back.
"I was telling you to get his attention," she snapped back, swatting him upside the head.
"What the hell kind of crew are you people?" the man was saying when they focused back in.
"One led by a captain who doesn't like his spouses messed with, either, and has a very large bounty on his head for very good reason," Zoro said, having spotted Luffy coming from the other end of the bar to see what was going on. "He's coming over right now, so I think you should hurry up with that decision."
"What's up, guys?" Luffy said, circling around Zoro's back and flinging his arms around Usopp and Nami's shoulders, grinning at the large man in front of them.
"I'm taking care of it," Zoro said, glancing briefly behind him before turning back to face the man. "He was giving us a little trouble, but don't worry about it. Why don't you just take them out of the way? I don't have much room to move with the two of them using me as a barricade."
"What'd he do?" Luffy inquired, voice still cheerful but eyes quickly taking on a quality halfway between curiosity and menace. The large man looked suddenly worried.
"Something wrong?" said Sanji, who had just returned from the restroom and was looking at the man who was ostensibly giving his huddled nakama trouble with an expression that bordered on murderous.
Zoro shrugged and turned around, brushing past Sanji on his way back to the table. "This guy was hitting on Nami."
"And you haven't filleted him yet, jackass?!"
"Oh, is that all he did? That's okay, then. Sanji can hurt him. Come on, guys, I still have some money left! Let's get more drinks!"
Luffy went back to the table. Usopp drew himself up and marched after him, shaking his fist at the man before he went. Nami rolled her eyes and followed.
"You are the most pathetic rescuer ever," Nami said bitterly, elbowing Usopp in the side and stealing the rest of his beer.
"What?! I tried! I did! I said stuff to him…"
"You guys are gonna give me a hangover. And it's only nine o' clock."
"Oh, and some job you did, Mr. Tough Guy, just leaving him to Sanji-kun!"
"I'm trying to have a drink. Besides, he's taking care of it."
"I can see that. And he's probably going to need money to buy a tie to replace that one; blood never comes out of silk."
"I would have beaten him up if Sanji wasn't being so enthusiastic about it, you know."
"Hey, who wants another drink? We've still got lots of money from the mayor who was all happy about us beating that one guy up!"
"You guys are the worst husbands ever."
And so the night passed in relative peace, except that they had to find another bar after Sanji got them thrown out of the first one for disorderly conduct, and Nami yelled at him for breaking everything and kissed him on the cheek for saving her which made him very confused, and Zoro had to carry most of the crew back to the ship around dawn.
The blood never did come out of Sanji's tie, but Luffy declared the night a success anyway, and no one could really argue with him.