Fran goes on Jerry Springer
Story idea by Lisaviera
Written by Vieraheart15
Disclaimer: Neither of us owns FFXII. Square Enix does. We're just having fun making stupid jokes.
Hi! Vieraheart15 here. My sister Lisa actually came up with this whole story idea a few weeks ago. She just wanted me to write it, since she's so busy all the time and she also doesn't think she writes well. This is meant to be funny. VERY funny and very stupid. This is what happens when a Viera has a secret she would like to reveal. We're kind of going for crude humour here, because Lisa loves crude humour. Very OOC. Most of it doesn't make much sense. A tiny pinch of Balfran tossed in. Neither one of us has actually ever watched Jerry Springer, so if it doesn't seem like the show it's just because we don't know any better. Please DO NOT FLAME US! REVIEWS ARE QUITE APPRECIATED!
And now, without further ado, we bring you "Fran goes on Jerry Springer"...
Fran, Balthier and the rest of the gang were hunting a mark in the Golmore Jungle. It was yet another of Mjrn's plots to get her sister to come home and stay home, despite what Jote said! Jote was acting really strange lately though. She had told Mjrn that she had a surprise for Fran if she ever saw her again. Mjrn, being a teenager (in Viera years), didn't know whether to trust that her oldest sister wasn't going to hurt Fran or not. She decided to have a bill posted for some stupid monster the wood-warders could've easily dealt with. Knowing Fran, nobody else would be allowed to see Mjrn about the bill.
"Fran, this is ridiculous! Are you sure this is a real mark? Does your sister know a mark when she sees one? I mean, she's a kid!" Vaan complained.
"Mjrn-chan is over fifty years old, Vaan! She knows what she's doing!" Penelo remarked.
"Not exactly," Fran said. "The girl can be really stupid when she wants something. One time she told our mother that a coeurl got into the village just so Mom would leave the house so Mjrn could eat all of the carrots! Boy, did she ever get in trouble that time!"
"The bill looked bogus. I just thought that Mjrn couldn't draw. I mean, look at this! This isn't a malboro! This is a sun with a smile and sunglasses on! Mjrn told us it was a malboro! And this malboro is stuffed! This is the 'Deadly malboro' Mjrn told us about?" Vaan whined.
"I think I'm going to have to have a talk with my sister!" Fran yelled.
They went into Eruyt Village. Jote was waiting, really angry at Mjrn. The Wood told her what her sister had done, and she was very angry. Mjrn was lying down, unconscious. Jote had decided to whale on her for trying to get Fran back into the village.
"You brought back her toy, didn't you?" Jote asked Fran.
"Yeah. What was the point here?"
"Our baby sister decided it was a good idea to try and lure you back here with a fake bill! She knew you'd fall for it! The Wood is even angrier at you than before, considering what you did!"
"What did Fran do?" Balthier asked. Fran looked around, trying to find a way to escape.
"Fran? What did you DO?!" Ashe asked the Viera angrily.
"I can't tell you here." Fran said.
"I don't want to tell you."
"You're telling us," Balthier demanded. "Even if we have to go on Jerry Springer to force the truth out of you!"
"Why Jerry Springer?" Penelo asked.
"Nobody else allows Viera on their show." Basch said.
"I used to watch it all the time back home." Ashe added.
Today, on Jerry Springer, we have Viera who have to tell their human friends secrets. In case you didn't know, Viera are creatures that are like some rabbit screwed an elf! Now here's Jerry.
Jerry: Today, on the show, we brought Fran. She's a Viera, and she wants to tell her best friend Balthier, who is a human, a secret. How are you Fran?
Fran: How do you think I am? I don't want to be on this show, and I don't like having Hume females attacking their male friends because I'm supposedly so beautiful. I don't think I'm that much different than any other Viera! And you had better wipe that smirk off of your face! These claws aren't just for show!
Jerry: Would you like a carrot?
Fran: Yes, but not now. I have to tell Balthier a secret.
Jerry: Tell our audience first, and then we'll bring Balthier out.
Fran: I have to tell Balthier that I cheated on him. And I didn't just cheat on him with men, even though I did sleep with Vaan and Basch on several different occasions, but I also cheated on him with trees.
Jerry: TREES? Tell me, how do you sleep with a tree?
Fran: Some trees have exposed roots. And then I...
"Ashe! Isn't Fran supposed to be on the magic box today? There's a Viera, but it ain't Fran!" Penelo asked. She was horribly drunk. She had managed to get a fake ID and had bought all kinds of drinks.
"Penelo, that isn't Jerry Springer! Change the channel! That is a nature documentary on Viera! Balthier made us promise we'd watch so Fran wouldn't have to repeat what she said she did!" Ashe replied, annoyed. She had already missed some of the show, and all because Penelo was watching a VIERA DOCUMENTARY!
Fran: And the worst part about all this is that now, I think I'm pregnant. I might be. I'm not sure. And even though I think Balthier is the father, there's always the chance that Vaan or Basch may be.
Jerry: Tell me more about sleeping with trees.
Fran: Besides that the Wood is female? What else is there to say? She is the mother of the Viera race, so we don't want anyone messing with her!
Jerry: So you slept with your mother?
Fran: My mother was a Viera. The Wood is the mother of my race, but Viera are born from other Viera. I think the original Viera were born from the Wood. Now, we come from other Viera.
Jerry: I thought Viera came from an elf that crossbred with a rabbit.
Fran: Stop that.
Mail all credit to Lisaviera via the review button. ALL CREDIT IS LISA'S! SHE DICTATED TO ME! AHAHAHAHAHA!!