Date Written: September 6, 2007
Flo: I've been wanting to write a crack one shot for a few days now. And I like this odd thing! Very strange, but a good break from the angst-fest that is Celes.
WARNINGS! Crack. If you are not an avid user, side effects may include permanent eyebrow raising, headaches, and all around confusion. Mine's not that bad, though.
ALSO! I suppose that this is considered AU. I mean, I could have just said that they have to sell cookies in order to get a feather badge or whatever, but this is better in my opinion.
Disclaimer: I do not own Tsubasa. I don't have a fetish for gouging eyes out.
Hope you enjoy!
Welcome to the guide book for selling your girl scout cookies! As we all know, girl scout cookies are a vital part of the natural order and should they diminish in sales, we would be looking at the end of the world as we know it! We can't afford to have the apocalypse. Especially when we have to go on our annual camping trip to Canada!
However, what if you are new to this whole, "selling cookies" business? What is it all about? And how do I get the pawns to buy my cookies and not that other bitch's from Troop 16?
There's a simple answer! You see, there are, in actuality, four ways to sell your cookies. True, there are more, but these are the sure fire and most reliable ways to do it! You may need some outside help. You may need to be pushy. You may need to be sneaky. You may need to be… let's say, "negotiable." Whatever it is, though, it doesn't matter so long as those cookies are sold! And that's why we're here! To help you sell them with the following scenarios illustrating the four top ways to go about distributing your cookies for beginners!
Scenario 1: This is the classic door to door selling tactic where you simply ask the person if they would like to buy your girl scout cookies. The key to this? Hit the rich houses first. And remember to use the buddy system!
"Tomo-chan, are you sure that we can really sell ten thousand boxes of cookies?" Sakura asked as they approached the house, while their friend, Syaoran, acted as their pack mule with the cookies.
"With a face as cute as yours for our cover girl?" Tomoyo said. "Of course we can! Now pick up the pace, Syaoran-kun! We can't have customers buying cookies if we don't have the cookies with us!"
Syaoran kept his mouth shut since he was too busy hauling the massive red wagon up the hill that the girls insisted on going up since that was where rich people lived. On hills. However, he did wonder why Tomoyo didn't just buy the cookies herself, or at least to her relatives.
He was halfway there when the girls rang the doorbell to the large house. A butler promptly opened it and upon seeing that it was the girl scouts, went to retrieve the master of the house. Sakura began to get nervous as this was her first time, Tomoyo secretly got out her video camera to film the precious moment that was sure to come, and Syaoran looked on the bright side of things. He was sure to build up some muscle from this!
"I'm not so sure about this, Tomo-chan," Sakura said. "I mean, what do I do if they don't want to buy any?! You heard the troop leader! If we don't, we won't get the cookie badge!"
"Don't worry!" Tomoyo said, preparing her camera. "They'll buy them. And if they don't, leave that part to me." She finished this with a wink that was an odd mixture of reassurance and of bad things to come.
Suddenly, the door opened again to reveal a man with glasses and long black hair tied back. He looked kind, but you can never tell. "Hello there," he said. "I was wondering when the girl scouts would come to sell me some delicious cookies!"
"Yes!" Sakura said, perking up a considerable amount to Tomoyo's delight. "We're selling them to go on our annual camping trip to Canada! If you would be so kind as to buy some from us, then we'd really appreciate it!"
"How can I say no to a pretty face like that?"
"I know, right?!" Tomoyo added.
"Here's our cookie pamphlet to show you all of our flavors," Sakura continued.
"Hm," the man hummed while flipping through it. "They all look so good. I guess I'll just have to buy five of each flavor!"
"Really?! That's wonderful! Thank you so much, sir!"
"It's no problem. Let me get my check book and I'll be right back."
Once the man left, Sakura and Tomoyo squealed with delight at the immense success of their first stop. And to think that there was still an entire neighborhood to go!
"This is fantastic!" Tomoyo said. "You're a natural, Sakura-chan! … Where's Syaoran-kun?"
Down the driveway, Syaoran lay nearly passed out mumbling about there being too many cookies.
Note: When going door to door, make sure to not bring all of your cookies if you have more than five hundred. Love struck pack mules can only do so much.
Scenario 2: Determination is very important. True, when you are told "no" you should be polite as possible to make them understand the importance of buying girl scout cookies every year for so long as they shall live. However, sometimes you need to stress this. Den mothers are fantastic at this technique, so make sure to bring them along!
"I'm sorry, I'm too busy right now," the young man said. A glance into his apartment said that he was too busy with a porno at the time. College students. The only thing able to distract them from cookies is porn, even though the two go hand in hand.
"Oh, o-okay," Sakura said. "Thank you anyway and have a nice day!"
"Hold on," Yuuko said, placing her high heel in the door to prevent the guy from closing it. "I'm sorry, but did you just refuse to buy girl scout cookies?"
"Uh, y-yes, ma'am."
"Hm, I see. I don't think you understand the way things work in the girl scouts, young man. When you are approached by a girl scout with cookies, you are to buy those cookies even if you have to look for loose change in every nook and cranny. You buy the cookies. Or else you ruin the natural order of the entire world."
"Really?" Sakura and the college student said, both wide eyed with curiosity.
Yuuko nodded. "In this world, there are certain traditions that are to never be broken. Every being buying girl scout cookies when asked is one of them. There is no telling what consequences should occur if we do not succeed in our goal of receiving the prized cookie badge. What say to that, now, young pervert?"
"… Um, I guess I should buy the cookies?" he asked.
"Really?!" Sakura said. "Thank you very much! What kind would you like?"
"Just one box of thin mints, please."
"Alright, that will be-!" Yuuko covered Sakura's mouth before she could finish.
"That's a very nice porno collection you have back there!" Yuuko said, leaning into the apartment. "It would be a shame if they were in some sort of 'accident', huh?"
"Did I say one box?! Ha ha! I meant, uh, ten?" Yuuko thought for a moment before nodding. "Yes, ten! Ten boxes of thin mints, please!"
Yuuko later told Sakura that those tears were tears of happiness for helping the girl scouts and in turn, the entire world.
Scenario 3: Should going door to door be too dangerous because you don't know everybody, there are always other methods. The street works fine, but make sure you are with someone trustworthy who knows a thing or two about selling stuff.
"Fai-san?" Sakura whispered.
"Yes, Sakura-chan?" Fai answered, still looking around their area for something.
"Are you sure that it's okay to be in this dark alley?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" Fai looked genuinely confused at this question. I mean, we all know that such a place is prime location for selling anything. "Don't you worry about a thing, Sakura-chan! I have it all taken care of!"
Sakura could only nod and imitate what Fai was doing. Glancing around out of the corner of his eye with his hands deep in the pockets of his trench coat, despite the fact that she had no idea what they were supposed to be looking for.
That was soon answered, though, as a girl in a school uniform with sunglasses and a dog casually came down the alley toward them, the entire time glancing around as if to make sure nobody had been following her. She stopped in front of Fai, who barely acknowledged her, and said, "You the Cookie Cat?"
"Depends on who's asking," Fai said, still looking straight ahead.
"There isn't time for this banter! Kusanagi is probably looking for me as we speak!"
"I see… Number 12, yes?" The girl furiously nodded. "Sakura-chan, get the box behind you, please!" Sakura obeyed, lifting up the heavy box labeled "Mokona Plushies" and handing it to Fai, who gave it to the girl and discretely took the money from her hand. "Thank you for your patronage and enjoy the plushies!"
"You can count on that!" the girl said, hugging the box as if it were her savior and her dog happily wagging it's tail after catching a certain scent. The two quickly ran off after that.
"Fai-san?" Sakura began. "I thought we were selling cookies. Not plushies."
"We are," Fai said. That was the end of the discussion as Fai lifted up the other box they had and left the alley, Sakura close behind him.
They walked in silence until they came to a stop in front of a large window looking into a health club. Fai put the box down and turned to Sakura saying, "I don't know about you, Sakura-chan, but I'm starving! Let's have one of these cookies!"
"Don't we have to pay for them?" Sakura asked, growing more confused by the second.
"I have money, don't worry. Here, have a samoa! They're your favorite, right?"
Sakura nodded and took the cookie without question. Fai took one as well and proceeded to eat it as if it were the greatest thing in the world. And in most cases, it is. Sakura just ate hers like a normal person and merely thought that it was only a case of Fai being Fai. That is, until a large group of people came rushing out of the health club, sweating and with cash in hand.
Fai looked ever-so surprised at this.
Scenario 4: There are very rare cases in this world where a person simply is ignorant of the girl scout cookie and refuses to buy them. In that case, it is always useful to have someone ready to knock some sense into them. Again, buddy up for safety!
"Excuse me, sir," Sakura began, "I'm selling girl scout cookies and I was wondering if you would be so kind as to-"
"I don't have time for this, get out of my way," the man with glasses rudely said, nearly shoving Sakura and her cookies aside.
As the man continued down the sidewalk to his office, a deep voice rumbled as he passed a dark figure, "Where the hell do you think you're going?"
The man stopped in his tracks and whirled around, clearly upset at such a statement. "I don't think that you have to right to say such a thing… to… me…" Once the man got a look at who had spoken, he wasn't as confident as he was before. The only can of whoop ass that was going to be opened was obviously going to be done by the other, much bigger guy.
"It's okay, Kurogane-san!" Sakura said. "He doesn't have to-!"
"Do you want that cookie badge or not?!" Sakura hesitantly nodded. "Then we're selling this jerk off cookies even if we have to force them on him!"
The man covered his fear by pushing his glasses up his nose and trying to act cool. "I don't see how on earth you can 'force' me to buy your disgusting cookies," he foolishly said.
"I'll shove 'em down your throat, that's how!" Kurogane kindly explained. "Now why don't you buy a few boxes?"
"Because they are ridiculously priced and horrible for your health! Unlike you people, I choose to actually take care of my body. Now good day to you!"
However, before he could even turn around, Kurogane grabbed his collar and threw him against the wall of the building. "That wasn't a question," Kurogane growled. "It was a suggestion! Tagalongs or do-si-dos?"
"T-This is illegal! You can't force your product on me! I'm calling the cops!"
Kurogane smirked at that statement. "A hell of a lot of good that'll do. They've placed an order for fifteen boxes of trefoils just a half hour ago. If anything, they'll arrest you for not buying that girl's cookies. So I'll ask again… Tagalongs or do-si-dos?"
"D-Do you have any cartwheels?"
"Yes we do!" Sakura happily provided. "And for only five dollars and twenty five cents a box!"
"You see, this is why I don't buy them!" the man exclaimed, completely forgetting the situation he was in. "You girl scouts just raise the price every year, trying to squeeze every penny out of the nation's citizens! It's outrageous!"
"How else do you think they can afford to visit their sister troop in London?!" Kurogane yelled. "NOW BUY THE DAMN COOKIES!"
After a few good knocks to the head, the man relinquished his money as he lay near motionless on the side of the street.
Note: If in case of a needed shake down, simply tell the authorities how the person refused to buy your cookies. They'll understand.
So there you have it, new recruit! It's not that hard! All that is needed is hard work and determination, along with a few helping hands to guide you down the path of the girl scout way! Enjoy selling your cookies and remember: The only way we can truly seize all power, is if you sell, sell, sell!
And have fun out there!
1.) For the record, buyer 1 was Clow Reed, buyer 2 was Hideki, buyer 3 was Yuzuriha (she was being secretive because all those sweets gave her cavities and Kusanagi wasn't happy! I couldn't figure out how to incorporate that because I originally just had a fat person buying them, but thought that that was mean), and buyer 4 was Dr. Kyle.
A/N: I have nothing against the girl scouts except for there being no nearby organization for me growing up. -sniff- I wanted to be a girl scout! Also, I have no clue where this idea came from… and I would love this to be a fan art! XD I keep meaning to take art classes.
You know what to do!
Please leave a review!
As always, CONSTRUCTIVE criticism is welcomed with Fai in a girl scout uniform!