Okay. Some people are stupid. In their stupidity, they write stupid fanfictions. It is my job to poke fun at these people and their fanfictions. But before I begin, here are some of the things I'd like to point out: Vampires can NOT have babies; they lack internal fluids in their organs, which are fairly important in the reproductive process. Vampires do NOT drink werewolf blood if they had a choice; the scent is too repulsive, so, even if a werewolf is bleeding, they wouldn't bother. EDWARD PROMISED NOT TO LEAVE. Imprinting takes place after werewolves phase for the first time, and meets their imprint. If a werewolf has phased for the first time but did not see the person they are to imprint, they will NEVER imprint. It is not something that can be forced, either. Jacob did NOT (sadly) imprint on Bella. Rosalie and Jasper are NOT really twins. None of the Cullen's are blood-related (no pun intended). Newborn vampires cannot resist/find it extremely difficult to resist human blood, and are stronger than regular vampires. Newborns eyes are red for a year or so, and stay that way unless they feast on animals, in which case they turn gold. The transformation from human to vampire takes at LEAST 3 days. Once bitten, the change is irreversible, unless the venom is sucked out.
Like I said, some people are stupid. They make fanfictions that completely ignore these facts. Example: "Edward changes Bella, then he leaves and she gets pregnant." Nothing is more stupid than this. Someone reviewed a fiction of mine like this, and I'm QUOTING:
thing here! THERE IS BLOOD, AND VAMPIRES WATCHING HIM GET FIXED UP...
DON'T THINK ANY OF THEM ARE GOING TO GO FOR IT, OR AT LEAST LOOK LIKE
THEY WANT TO BITE HIM?!?!
4/5, I'd love to give you a 2 for having Jake as the main character, but you wrote it well."
Now, as I pointed out, vampires do not drink werewolf blood. Again: The scent is repulsive. If anything, they'd look disgusted. Second thing: READ DISCRIPTIONS FOR STORIES. The description in the story clearly stated it was a JacobxBella fanfiction. I should know, I wrote it. If it is a JacobxBella story, I would assume Jacob would be a pretty main character. So, as you can see, the person who reviewed this tried to act smart, and, in the end, was filed under my "stupid" category.
KEEP THIS IN MIND: I am a very rude and spiteful person. I DO realize this and try hard not to be. (The first step to recovery is knowledge.) However, because I am rude and nasty and spiteful, and you just happen to say something to me that strikes me as stupid, you will be humiliated by potentially everyone with internet access.
Thank you for reading my long-ass authors note, so now I shall put the disclaimer for my parody.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.
Warning: Read at your own risk. Chances are, some things might not make sense because some things are inside jokes, but you'll laugh anyway because YOU want to feel special…Also, this will probably reach High School Musical corniness level and/or make fun of itself/High School Musical/slash other things THIS narrator does not like.
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, there was a small planet, Earth. On this planet, there was a continent; in this continent, a country; in this country, a state; in this state, a town. This town was called Forks…
Forks is home to many a strange thing: Large, damp, forests; teenagers who turn into dogs; a vegetarian vampire family, and one teenage girl who changed all their lives.
(But mostly the forests' lives.)
This is the story of Bella, Edward, and Jacob.
But, with each story, comes a side story. And this extremely unimportant sidestory is what started the madness. The side story, you ask? Well, it's as unimportant as the fact that when this narrarator was 12, she placed a frog on the sidewalk and watched it melt. It's as unimportant as the fact that I know that as you are reading this you are probably not wearing green socks with little frogs on them. The side story that started it all…Is this:
"How in all the hells did Forks get its name?!"
Another possible sidestory would be:
"What the -child censor- happened to Jacob's mother?!"
"Does this make me look pregnant?"
Or maybe even:
"Let's toss Sam into an ocean during a storm and see what happens!"
These were all possibilities, but, turned down.