Authors Note: Orphan Ashley asked this for chapter ten. Unfortunately, I wasted that chapter on Relient K, so I shall grant her wish with chapter THIRTEEN! OOOOH SPOOKY. "Can the next chapter have endless amounts of cheese in a can?" (Oh, and as for the person who asked what I was smoking and where to get some—It's a secret.)
Please regard this as a side-story. With lots of yummy EDWARD (you thought I was going to say Jake, huh?) for all the Edward fans I feel as though I've ignored these past few chapters. WOO! EDWARD! :D Cause he's not utterly terrible today! Please note: This chapter might get to X rated at the end what with all the cheese pr0n. I advised you to read this without the parentals nearby. Like, in a dark room or under your covers…
It was Friday. But not just any Friday (not that Friday's can be regarded as "just Friday"—I mean, come on; Friday's rock.) No. Today was Friday the thirteenth. And something strange happens on Friday the Thirteenth's. It's, like, a phenomenon.
Yayme2012 and Orphan Ashley looked at each as they lay, bored, on the marble floor of the fanfiction's review center and central hub. Ali and Roxxi (aka Lotte and Ella) were sitting in the uncomfortable plastic chairs provided by the facility, kicking their legs as they hummed some tune Roxxi made up. Ringo sat at her desk and typed like the wind, printed something, and sprinted into the publishing room. She had been doing this for a while now.
"I'M SO BORED," Yayme groaned. Orphan Ashley sighed. "Well, whaddaya wanna do? Once she finishes the chapter, then we can review and leave, but she's still coming up with the concept. Who's brilliant idea was it to come early?" Ali glared at Roxxi. Roxxi giggled.
Orphan Ashley sighed again. "Good thing I always carry this with me." She pulled out a can of cheese from her messenger bag.Yayme, Roxxi, and Ali all rushed over to Orphan Ashley and began fighting over the dairy product. It slipped out of her hands and went flying. It hit Ringo on the head and knocked her out, then bounced off her and got stuck under the desk. The girls, knowing that the chapter would now not be updated any time soon, freaked because they injured the authoress (AND HAVE THUS INCURED HER WRATH!!) and ran out of the building.
It's their fault I haven't updated recently. KILL THEM! D: (I tease, I tease.)
Edward and Bella walked into the fanfiction's center hand-in-hand as they often did, because Edward feared Bella was bound to hurt herself one of these fine days. Jacob was going to catch up later because he had a few things to take care of before he got there. (You know, things to see, you mothers to do…THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID! ;D )
Edward looked around the room, searching for the abnormally tall 14-year-old. You would think someone 5'7'' wouldn't be that hard to find, but, apparently not. Finally, he looked behind her desk and saw her lying limp in her chair, jaw hung, tongue stuck out.
"Oh, my!" he exclaimed! Then, something shone in the sunlight underneath her desk. He picked it up, expecting a knife or gun of some sort. Instead he got cheese in a can. For some reason, he seemed drawn to it. Never before had he felt such a strong attraction human food of any sort, let alone calorie and fat-packed dairy products in a cylinder made for spraying in long silly streams.
"The murder weapon…" Bella said as she examined the can. She tried to touch it, but Edward jerked it away. "MINE!" he hissed. He ran away.
"EDWARD! You no-good, filthy, rotten, cheese-hogging fiancé! I thought I was the only cheese product you could ever love!" Bella began tearing. Soon, she couldn't stand it, so she fell to her knees and wept. Her entire love had all been one pretty-word-filled LIE! D:
Edward locked himself in a janitor's closet and fondled the cheese in the dark, his eyes glowing a cheese-ish-orange color. Finally, he was alone with the love of his life. Cheese, glorious cheese! He slowly and seductively moved his hands upward to the head and placed his pointer finger on the nozzle. "Oh, you naughty girl, you!" he whispered. "You want me to press you? Do you?"
He lightly pressed the small button, so as not to break the beauty. It hissed and squirted out a small string of cheese. "What a cute sound; the sound of a little virgin." He pressed it a again. Longer, harder this time. Again, it made the same squeaky sound and shot out the same substance. Again and again rougher, harder, Edward kept pressing the cheese nozzle, faster and faster, until the entire room was covered in, well…cheese. He pressed it again. It wheezed, but no cheese came out. It was everywhere, except the can. Even he was covered in cheese.
Someone bust open the door now. It was someone Edward had never seen before and she had a sobbing Bella in tow. "Give me back my cheese in a can, Edward" Orphan Ashley shouted, for she loved the can more than our poor hero. Edward held up the cheese to say good-bye, but she swiped it from his grimy hands before he had the chance. Orphan Ashley was about to walk away before she stopped and said "Oh, yeah, here's your girlfriend" and then walked away, in a daze, because her cheese was just so distractingly beautiful. She slammed into a pole on her way out.
Just then, Ringo came to life and adjusted her glasses as her mind adjusted and cleared away the fog that was confusion. After a while realization dawned on her. "I HAVE A CHAPTER TO FINISH!" She ran into the publishing room, fast as lightning.
Bella: Well. I guess she wasn't dead after all.
Edward: My cheese! D:
Jake: I wasn't in this chappie. :
Ringo: OwO;; I'm…not getting fired, am I?
SadlyObsessed: five-second Cameo, woo! O