The Tallest Gene

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim. I do own the funniness of this fic tho.

Irken Military Base, System location:

Sol System of the human homeworld 'Earth'

Zim's base, Level six, Control Room Alpha

"Really, Zim. And what in the name of Irk makes this plan than the others?" spoke Tallest Red in a bored voice, "None of your plans have ever worked, what makes you think this will?" "Yeah! I mean remember when the earth-meat fused to your face and then you attempted to take over an orphanage?" There was a general laughter at Purple's random comment, Red, looking more annoyed than usual, sighed and sneered down at Zim, "Is there anything else you require Zim? We Tallest do have other...'Invaders' to speak with." The squat little creature before them shook his head, eyes glossy red, "None at all my Tallest, none at all...Well, I have much to prepare for my Tallest. Invader Zim signing out."

Tallest Red and Purple's sneering faces then disappeared without a trace from Zim's viewing screen. He held a gloved three clawed-hand to his eyes. Opening the clenched hand, he let his PAK begin the healing process of repairing his over-tightened hand. Today it had been over his usual melodramatic plans. Zim gave a guttural screech at the view-screen, he swiped his still un-healed claws at it, ripping circuits out and bashing the screen with his head. "COMPUTER!" "...Um...yes?" "How goes the search?" rasped the still-enraged Zim as he presides over the dying view-screen. "I haven't found anything yet, but there is something quite strange...I have found another set of probes within one of the minor security cells."

He straightened slightly and hobbled towards the doorway of the control room, "Dib, eh? Destroy it. How much does he know?" Whispered the hunched figure from the doorway. "Nothing at all, I had taken security measures at the moment it had been placed. He may still be within the base. Shall I activate the security drones?" spoke the Computer through the internal speakers around Zim. "No, leave the pig-stink be. He will not find anything useful. Continue the search." The doors closed, shutting the room in absolute darkness.

- - - - -

A figure clad in a skintight jumpsuit endowed with several military-grade cloaking devices Dr. Membrane had created during his time in a Military Contract with the US government. Dib was in one of the hundreds of ventilation systems through out the alien base, he pulled out a large device the size of a football and attached it to a set of the wires he had cut in the ventilation shaft. So far he had placed seventy of such probes, each one would take the irken's data, compile it, and send it to his laptop. Ever since Zim's PAK had attached itself to his back, the fiasco had left him a nagging feeling of uncertainty every time he thought about Zim.

Clearing his head, he climbed out of the shaft and headed back planet-side. The journey was relatively uneventful, except where he was nearly detected by one of the security drones that was prowling about near the secondary power generators near the top levels of the base.Zim's base was full of security drones nowadays, ever since he had taken the alien's PAK. He climbed out of the sewer from whence he had used to get into Zim's lopsided base and breathed a sigh of relief of a job well done.

The large-headed boy peeled off his jumpsuit to reveal the usual choice of clothing, black boots, a black t-shirt with a demented smiley face on it, and a trenchcoat. He pressed a button on it and tossed it onto the manhole before closing it. Glancing back at the lopsided and very much alien-looking house, Dib ran pell-mell back to his house. He rushed past the Membrane Residential Security system, humming the X-Files and the Mysterious Mysteries theme song perfectly as the password.

He opened the door, shouted, 'I'M HOME!' before running upstairs to his room as his sister Gaz totally ignored him and tripped him back down the stairs on her way down to the kitchen for a poop cola. This didn't stop Dib in his run for his room, where each of his probes should be sending huge waves of data from that irken's base. And then he'll have the proof to gain back the gaze of SEB Network and thus prove to them why Zim is such a threat to Earth.

Slamming the door shut, with hrydrolics turning on locking it, Dib ran to his computer and tapped a few keys into the keyboard. The console turned on, showing that all probes were green and fully functional. " lets see what we can leech from Zim's base..." he muttered under his breath as he began to type in irken symbols into the computer. Almost as once a window opened up and began to fill with irken letters.


Dib couldn't help but jump from his seat and whoop in delight. "Zim must not be expecting try and hack into his mainframe so soon, so no wonder there are no major security programs! YES!" HE continued to whoop and shout ''YES! TAKE THAT ZIM!" until someone shouted from below:

"Son, I hope you aren't dooing very nastily natural things with yourself upstairs with your computer...Remember last time?"

Alas. That was a different story, and thus another tale to be told later.

Zim's base, Level ten, Main Control Center

"Transmiting trash data to enemy probe systems. Transfers complete. Gene search 99.78 complete. Would you like to view the result master?" droned the bored Computer as it monotonely shifted past thousands of genes in the samples collected over the years. "No...not yet, how many satisfactory samples have been found?"

"...Checking...Seventeen samples have been screened to be satisfactory."

Zim shifted his weight in the hover chair as he thought to himself. In the two years he had been on this impossibly polluted planet, the Irken plotted to take over the worthless dirt ball for his leaders. But doubt grew as they continued to laugh at him and wave him away. Was he not on a secret mission to bring Earth to it's knees before the mighty Irken Armada? Was he not here to help Impending Doom 2 move onwards? The doubt grew. GIR, still insane, grew a sort of child-like personality similar to that of an eight-year old earth-child. Only with lasers and junk for brains. Doubt continue to rack at Zim for the year that went by.

Doubt was the thing that killed soldiers, when they were in doubt of their leader's orders, that was why the emotion supression system was created for the PAK. Fear, Pity, all these worthless emotions were what hindered the military of the Irken Empire. but there was a chink in Zim's own PAK that allowed him to have some inkling of doubt. Wekks went by as Zim brooded on thoughts that would be considered treason by his society. Soon it was apparent to Zim that he was a failure. Even when he came to the conclusion, he refused to accept it and raged at himself, the Computer, GIR, Dib, at the Tallests.

The emotions that had been hindered by his EES in his PAK could no longer stop it's torrent. He broke things in fustration, bouts of prolonged anger.

His fears became reality.

Zim even wept.

Zim was broken.

Then came the acceptance. The months that GIR and the Computer both tried to help their master accept the fact he was defective, the consolation that help heal the unseen wounds in the little Irken's mind.

Even as they did so, Dib continue to attack Zim at every opportune moment, at Skool, at home, in the streets. Zim failed to defend against the human child's attack but grew in strength. He learned to gain strength from pain and failures. His pride no longer clouded his judgment and senses.

"Computer, show me the samples," spoke Zim quietly. There was a moment, as seventeen genetic samples appeared in front of him, in an unbreakable vial, stopper securely and all. Samples collection from millions of Irkens. The gene-pool of both defective and otherwise. While recovering from his madness, the Tallest called him. They seemed 'concerned' for him. But he knew they were wondering if he was dead or not. They seemed slightly taken aback at his sudden coldness, and emotionless response and thought him sick with some Earth-borne disease, of which Zim supplied with an affirmative response. Dib tried to break him some time afterwards, planting probes and such again trying to gain evidence for his peers in the Swollen Eyeball Network.

Zim had heard of the organization before from Dib's rants during his bouts of madness. A network of people that were similar to Dib, but much more level-headed. Further investigation proved that they were much more than several dozen people trying to be much more than they were in actuality. The SEN had been in existence for a long time, since the second World War on Earth, trying to figure out the alien technology that had been accidentally shot down by stray missiles. A Vortian ship saucer craft often used for scouting purposes. He dismissed the SEN, but had the Computer keep a close eye on them in case.

His second call from the Tallests Red and Purple proved to be rewarding; to them Zim's health seemed to have improved. Unfortunately, as they seemed to be wilting in dismay. Then he was struck with a brilliant idea, and a very illegal and dangerous one. Cutting the call short on grounds of a major power drain, Zim embarked on one of the most common and outlawed experiments in Irken history, a way to become Tall.

That was why he sent probes of his own magnificent design to collect samples from Irk's own genetical plants, where they kept the genes for the Smeet Factories located deep under the crust, under impossibly heavily guard. Even so, Zim managed to retrieve over twenty million genetic samples from their archives. A testament to his defective genius. Of the twenty million samples from the Irken gene pool available to him, only a handful were useful.

Twenty million became a thousand.

That thousand dwindled to three hundred.

That three hundred soon became the seventeen samples before his eyes.

And it had taken his base the better part of the year to sort through them all. The irken casually picked up the vial and read the data for it. His jaw dropped, and so did the vial and it clattered thr ground. A robotic hand picked the vial up and placed it back in it's place. "Computer! How can this be?" Zim shouted, his mind reeling from the information that picked at him at this moment.

"How can the Almighty Shortest have the Tallest Gene?!"

The Computer thought about it and shrugged, in his own computer ways, "Ummm...I dunno."

The beginning has come! Ideas accepted, flames not so much.

- TArVa