The Tallest Gene

Disclaimer: I don't own Invader Zim. I do own the funniness of this fic tho.

A single patch of the earth glowed, amidst a plain of yellow lines and green land crisscrossing across the continent. That patch of land was cropped and bloomed up, zoomed in upon by mechanical eyes. It zoomed in twice more before revealing a small burning crater in the middle of the city. The center of the conflaguration had been his little base. Surprisingly enough, the humans managed to incinerate the entire thing, burning through old prefabricated irken metal in a matter of seconds. But then again, thought Zim, he had let them.

Zim pulled away from the screen, allowing it revert to a complicated set of windows depicting dozens of status reports. It expanded considerably, filling the panamoric windows that spanned the section of his space station. He had fond memories here, he was so close to disecting that annoying human, that rival and arch nemesis Dib-Stink, but that spawnling Gaz had ruined the fun. Either way, he still kept it locked in orbit above the planet, cloaked and hidden from all sensory devices on the planet. Sitting back into a comfortably-well made cushioned chair, he pressed a button and had it float in the air, idly feeding GIR raisins. Pulling out what looked suspiciously like a remote from a side compartment he clicked the device at the screen.

The screen flickered and turned to Channel Five News.

A frantic-looking human in one of their suits was at the crater, the camera-man shakily holding the camera as the reporter spoke, "-ordered mass evacuation for an unspecified reason. The US military has since been unwilling to answer questions or comment. Just mere minutes ago, ONI, the UN's Office of Naval Intelligence revealed a fully functional particle defense cannon originally designed to destroy possible XK-class end-of-the-world asteroids like the ones that had wiped out the dinosaurs. As to why they had just destroyed and entire neighborhood is unknown."


"A raging inferno from a direct-energy-weapon by the order of the highest echelons of the United Nation Command," said a calm woman with black skin, "Command staff answered with no comment as to the reason this had been done so."


"-and then the whole sky just lights up and a giant pillar of light hits the ground!" Shrieked a young human girl that Zim recognized vaguely as one of the more annoying 'popular' female spawnlings at Skool. He idly wondered if dropping a water balloon from orbit onto her head was worthy a laugh.

"And then, and then, and then," gibbered the blond trying to think of something more to stay on camera longer.

The camera man began turning away when a splash of water hit the screen.

"Where the heck did that come from?"

Zim gave off a shriek of laughter, clutching his thin chest. GIR quickly joined while stuffing his metal face with more raisins.

Still chortling, he tapped several buttons on his command console, bringing up a menu and selecting several orders. First he had the Computer hijack the world's radio channels and lock them down to his signal. Secondly, he quickly had all the remaining defenses on this planet disabled. Thirdly, he cleared his throat and took a deep breath.


"He isn't dead," said Dib, "I'm sure of it."

"Is that right, son?" Said the Professor, "No living creature could have survived a sixty megaton beam of destruction concentrated into a single house made of unobtanium."

"Dibs right."

Both of them turned to the sound of Gaz's voice, her head upright and her eyes wide open.

Both males of the Membrane family both felt a shiver of dread, as if the nature of the universe had been twisted to do something completely wrong.

Professor Membrane moved to the cockpit of the helicoptor, "Pilot! Land in that assembly area!"

"Right, sir!" Acknowledged the pilot immediately.

Dib grabbed his cell phone and speed-dialed the Eyeball Squad.

"Hello?" Came a tired Darkbootie's voice.

"Its Dib," said the bespecticled boy, "Where are you?"

"Agent Mothman? Are you alright?"

"Yeah," replied Dib, "Listen where is-"


The familiar sound of that irken laugh rang in his ear. He dropped the phone and it clattered to the floor, the tinny laugh still laughing away. But the laugh didn't end. It was still loud, and it was everywhere. His eyes widened as he heard Zim's horrible belly laugh come from the cockpit's radio.

The Professor frowned.

"Foolish humans! You actually thought that would defeat me?! The all powerful ZIM?! You little creatures are more big-headed than I expected!"

"Hes hijacked all the radios..." Said Professor Membrane softly. For the first time in years, he took off his goggles, which were showing miniatures of Zim's face as he spoke, "And the internet. That alien just hacked the entire world."

And so he had, for his green face and malicious blood red eyes were on every screen, his alien voice speaking from every speaker. The very sound and picture of a superior being being imprinted into every mind on the planet.

Zim continued speaking, his voice pompous and arrogant, "Your species isn't worth crushing underfoot. Your world is pathetic and filled with savages, beneath the notice of the Irken Empire! You should feel so lucky, you've been nothing but entertainment and boredom. I've had enough of your disgusting habits and your filthiness. I intend to have you burn like the little insects you really are!"

Dib froze up, his mind racing at the speed of light. He won't really do it will he? He can, he absolutely can!

"But I can't," growled Zim, "But rest assured I will. I'll bring back a fleet so mindboggling huge, your frail human minds will shatter at the mere sight of it! We will blot out the stars! We shall burn your world to a crisp and ground to fuel our furnaces! That, I promise."

One by one, each television, screen and radio turned off.

Dib slumped, falling back against the seat.

Silently, the boy mentally vowed that he would stop Zim. No matter wha-

He blinked as a water balloon emblazoned with the Irken Invader symbol struck his face.