A/N: Written on request by Kokaku Kidotai Meitantei for a funny Byakuya-centric fic, though it isn't from his POV. This was just a bizarre idea that sprung into my head at an awkward moment…According to the Shinigami Cup episodes, Byakuya attends the Shinigami Women's Association meetings when Rukia is unable to. Yet when Mayuri attempted to replace Nemu, he got kicked out by Nanao; on the basis that men were not allowed to attend. Obviously a double standard exists here…
Warnings: Cracktastic yaoi. Sort of. May be OOC.
Disclaimer: Tite Kubo's fans will kill him and make him do somersaults as a hollow inside his grave for the next few centuries if he wrote this. Since he owns Bleach and has a sense of self-preservation, he obviously didn't.
Kuchiki Byakuya had left earlier in the morning to pay a visit to his sister. So Abarai Renji of the 6th Division was left by himself to go about the 6th Division on 6th Division business; that is to say, the don't-tell-Byakuya-I'm-slacking-off sort of business; when a familiar, tiny pink bundle of sugar, spice and gratuitous violence approached him. Yachiru Kusajishi had something to ask.
Renji raised one tattooed eyebrow in surprise at his new nickname. Then again, ever since Kenpachi remarked that his body art resembled some of Yachiru's more vivid Etch-a-Sketch creations, that was not unexpected.
"I want to ask you something. As the President of the Shinigami Women's Association, I want to know if Byakushi is a girl or a boy."
Renji blinked. But he'd been in the 11th Division before and had eventually learnt; albeit painfully, how to react quickly to Yachiru's questioning. One had to answer her truthfully, directly and while using a simple vocabulary.
"Of course Kuchiki-taichou is a boy. We all call him 'he', don't we?"
"How do you know? Icchy used to call Kitty-chan 'he', right?"
That would be Ichigo and Yoruichi, Renji deduced, with a speed that impressed even himself. He was equally quick with his reply. "Ah, but Yoruichi was pretending to be a boy-kitty at that time, and she fooled Ichigo."
Pink eyebrows laced with puzzlement at his statement. Renji decided to take advantage of this.
"Why do you want to know if my captain is male or female?"
"Because Byakushi comes to the Association meetings sometimes and only girls are allowed."
Ouch. Actually, that logic made a lot of sense…to someone who was too young to experience the logic-overriding effect of the mature female libido. Somewhere inside Renji's mind, the green-eyed monster of jealousy woke and stretched. He decided to try another foolproof line of reasoning.
"Kuchiki-taichou is a boy because he once married a girl, and he loved her very much."
"But Soi-soi loves Kitty-chan very much, and they are both girls."
"Captain Soifon is, uh…," Renji was beginning to waver, "an unusual girl. Most girls like boys. And most boys like girls." He wondered if anyone had bothered to explain to concept of homosexuality to Yachiru and considered doing so. But then the idea of bloody retribution from her doting 'Ken-chan' loomed at the back of his mind, and he decided against it.
"Uh…but Sixty-nine loves Blondie too; and they are both boys."
Too. Much. Information. He would just have to avoid showering in front of Shuuhei and Izuru in the bathroom next time. Thank you, Kusajishi Yachiru, for totally shattering any last illusions I have of my senpai's manly heterosexuality. Then again, it is literally written on his face…and I've conveniently ignored the obvious…
A tiny fist thrust painfully into Renji's shins; immediately derailing the redhead's train of thought.
"Why no answer? So is Byakushi a girl or not?"
"Ok, let's clarify this. Both boys and girls can like boys; and both girls and boys can like girls. Loving a girl does not necessarily make my taichou a girl." Or a lesbian, for that matter.
"So why did you say that Byakushi is a boy, because he loved a girl?"
"Well, most boys like girls…I like girls. But sadly, I don't have one at the moment."
Renji found himself floundering. Yachiru was keener than he'd thought. He decided to go on the offensive.
"Okay, Yachiru. You seem pretty certain that Izuru and Shuuhei are boys; and Yoruichi and Soifon are girls. What makes you so sure?"
She replied without hesitation. "The boys don't come to the Shinigami Women's Association's meetings."
Exasperated with her use of circular logic, Renji scrambled for a different approach. The Association was at fault for getting him into this situation, so it was only fair for him to repay the favour.
"The other girls at the meetings like Kuchiki-taichou and want him to be there, even though this is not allowed." Hehehe…that'll teach them, Renji thought, as the vision of their president exacting her retribution for the transgression floated into his mind.
"He's got charm. I wish I knew his secret, but it's not like I'd get the chance to learn anything since I can't go to the meetings and get left behind in the office whenever he does."
Yachiru's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh…so if he is a boy, I should tell him not to come to the meetings anymore."
Hell no…Renji thought. The more time Byakuya spent at the Association, the more time his lieutenant could spend slacking off.
"No, that would be mean. If he likes being there and the girls like him, then he is part of the group and should attend. Just like one of the girls."
"Ok…but you still haven't answered my question. Is Byakushi a boy or a girl?"
"You know what, Yachiru? I don't care if my captain is a boy or a girl. I don't know if it matters."
"It doesn't matter?"
"It's not like I can look inside his hakama to know for certain. We might have had disagreements once, but I very much like him the way he is. And I strongly think he is a boy…"
Yachiru opened her mouth to continue the debate, and Renji was running out of options. It was time to bring out his Secret Weapon. In one smooth movement, he pulled a lollipop out of his sleeve and slipped it into her mouth. The distraction was immediately effective and the smaller lieutenant sucked on it greedily. She now completely ignored him.
There were some things Renji had learnt from Byakuya; who first discovered this trick when replacing Renji himself at the Lieutenant's meeting. As the lunch bell rang, he jogged off to the canteen with a blissful grin on his face; satisfied that he had succeeded in winning a debate with Yachiru for once.
Kuchiki Byakuya returned to his desk around half an hour after Renji had left. On it was a memo. Picking it up for a better look, he noted the neat, yet somewhat shaky handwriting of his 16th seat. Small drops of black ink dotted the margins of the paper where they had been spilled in nervousness– a sign that the poor man had been threatened, tormented and terrified into transcribing the message ad verbatim on behalf of its actual creator. As he read, a slight furrow slowly appeared on his forehead. The message went as follows:
Lieutenant Doodles was nice and gave me a big lollipop, so I wanted to help him by passing this message.
I came today to ask Doodle-chan if you are a boy or a girl, since I notice you come to the Women's Association meetings. He said you should go because you are just like one of the girls. You should teach him your secret charms when you are together in the office.
Doodles also says that both girls and boys can like boys. He does not have a girl at the moment, and doesn't care if you are a girl or a boy. He likes you very much the way you are. But back to my question…
…Please don't pretend to be a boy-kitty. Let Doodle-chan get inside your hakama so he can find out for certain. Then maybe he can tell me the answer.
Lieutenant, 11th Division
President of the Shinigami Women's Association'
a/n: I'll let you imagine what happens to Renji after that...btw, Byakuya did stuff food into Yachiru's mouth during a meeting once, in another Shinigami Cup episode.