Chronicles of the Asschin – Chapter 8

Warning: Obviously has some swears. Has some spoilers up to chapter 182. Is a total crack fic.

Notes: FINALLY. GOT. THIS. DONE. Gaaaahhh.

Disclaimer: I don't own Tsubasa, and I never did and never will.

Fei Wong Reed, sitting in his chair, as always, took a sip of his wine, as always. It tasted nothing like the wine he usually drank, and he rolled his eyes; of course Dr. Kyle would buy the wrong wine.

He wanted red wine, damn it, not this god-forsaken crow flavored wine… whatever THAT was. Where the hell did Dr. Kyle find this type of wine, anyway? Did he make a deal with the devil- Yuuko, herself- just to spite him? Did he go out of his way to find the purposely wrong wine just to piss him off?!

While still grieving over how wrong the wine he was sipping was, a portal opened up next to his stalker glass.

And in stepped the clone.

Fei blinked. "Hey, aren't you the wrong kid to be in here?" he said, twirling his wine glass in his hand.

Syaoran stared at him like he had a fly on his face, and he was waiting for the fly just to continue on its daily routine of pissing everyone off. This look of mass boredom, as if nothing in the whole world could make him show any sign of giving a damn, was also otherwise known as the 'Doumeki' look that Fei had heard so much about every single time he tried using his stalker hearing aid to find the dimension travelers.

I mean really, how can one solitary boy, whose name he never caught, produce enough noise to block the whole stalker hearing aid from hearing anything else but him?

Fei mused if he should name the fly, which Syaoran still seemed to be staring at, 'Fai'…

"Why are you here, anyway?" Fei asked, wondering why the stupid kid didn't talk. He could have sworn he gave both Syaorans the ability to talk, and even if he didn't, this Syaoran should have known that simply staring at people won't help you achieve anything! Fei, for one, should know, after staring and glaring so hard at Dr. Kyle to get the right wine, and STILL getting the wrong kind!

Syaoran glanced down at what used to be able to be called 'clothes', and was now just ripped shreds that hang off his body.

"You want new clothes?" Fei offered, still wondering if maybe he got 'Fai' or some other fly stuck in his throat, and that's why he wouldn't talk.

Damn freaking magical flys.

Syaoran nodded. "I need to collect the feathers."

"Obviously." Fei's eyes squinted. "But what do clothes have to do with that? They're not free, you know." He watched, suspiciously, while completely oblivious to the fact that his wine-glass-twirling has caused him to spill half of his drink on the floor next to the chair.

Syaoran came dangerously close to glaring at Fei, before storming off.

Fei rolled his eyes, speaking over his shoulder. "If I don't get to have a new collector's edition Card Captor Sakura outfit, you can't have a new Evil Cloney Syaoran outfit."

After the clone had run off to where-ever he ran off to- Fei didn't really care, and was too busy idly wondering if there was magic to really turn Fai into a fly- Dr. Kyle came out, flailing his arms in what someone would call a 'hissy fit'.

"Why is the freaky mismatch-eyed cloney in my drawers?!" he screamed, and Fei glared at him, in deep debate with himself about whether or not he should throw his wine glass at the immature adult. "And why are you spilling the wine I just bought everywhere?!"

Fei dropped the wine glass, completely forgetting about it- or doing it just to spite Dr. Kyle back-, as he put his hands together. "Because it's all part of my plan." He not-really-answered, trying to make it sound like that was, of course, the answer to why Syaoran was in his clothes.

"Spilling wine on the ground is helping you with your plans?"

Fei stared at him, wondering if perhaps the doctor got hit in the head with a shovel to loose enough brain cells to ask that question. "What? Of course not!"

Syaoran came back out, and Dr. Kyle stared at him in a mix of amusement, surprise, and perhaps a slight dash of fear.

"Why the hell are you wearing my clothes?!" Dr. Kyle screamed.

Syaoran glared at Dr. Kyle- while Fei gleamed in the background about how Dr. Kyle so deserved that- and disappeared through another portal.

...Fei was really starting to wish he didn't give Syaoran the ability to go through dimensions-

Wait. He didn't give Syaoran that ability...

Must have been the blue eye. Fei shrugged, figuring it was nothing important to worry about. After all, if he complained enough, he'd probably get his eye eaten, too.

Dr. Kyle glared at the wall where Syaoran disappeared, and took off. "Well if that's how he's going to play, I'm going to go after him and-" He shut up, staring at the stalker glass. "…Did he just stab his girlfriend?"

Fei glanced at the stalker glass, and attempted to take a sip from a glass of wine that he completely forgot was not even there anymore. "I guess so."

"…was he supposed to?"

Fei shrugged. "I can work that into my plan."

Dr. Kyle twisted around to stare at Fei, as if in that answer was the weirdest thing he had ever heard.

Which- of course with exception to the whole topic of Card Captor Sakura- it was, until the next one.

"Hey, can you go steal the dead princess? I need her for my plans."

Dr. Kyle glared at him with a look of completely disgusted. "Why do you need the dead princess? Why couldn't you have used Xing Huo's dead body?"

Fei shrugged, not really caring at all to the glare. If Yuuko's disturbed glare couldn't faze him, then a silly crow-doctor's disgusted glare couldn't do it either. "She's important to my plan."

Dr. Kyle continued to stare at Fei, while Fei tried to find the Fai fly again, until he eventually sighed and created a portal and left.

Why does everyone around him have the ability to make portals?! Does he need to stab them, too?

And wasn't Dr. Kyle still grounded?! Well at least he was actually listening to Fei and not out playing with crows or whatever the hell he did on his free time.

Watching the stalker glass once again, Fei noticed that Dr. Kyle suddenly showed up. "This time, I'm taking this with me." Was all he said before he grabbed Sakura and took off.

…What the hell kind of line was that? And didn't Dr. Kyle know that a PRINCESS is a SHE?

Fei attempted to take another sip of wine- from the glass he STILL didn't have- so he could choke on it and spit it out at the screen about how horrible the line that Dr. Kyle had said was, but there was nothing there in his hand.

So, with no wine to sip from, Fei did what he did best when there was no wine around to sip, and nothing to kill with his big-ass sword; he rubbed his chin and glared at the screen.

A portal next to the screen appeared once again, and Dr. Kyle stepped out, dead teenage princess in his arms, and unceremoniously dropping her in Fei's arms. "Here."

Fei glared at Dr. Kyle, but momentarily forgetting his hatred for that stupid line that the doctor said to the travelers, in replacement for the hatred of a dead girl being placed in his lap.


"Why does she have no blood on her?" Fei asked as Dr. Kyle started to walk away.

The doctor stopped and turned. "Her soul died, not her body."

"…Damn it, and I thought I could use her soul to make a deal with the devil!" He cursed, shaking the dead princess in his lap. "Stupid dead princess! Go get a replacement soul or something! Fetch!" He propped the body of the girl onto her feet, as if she was actually standing, and she collapsed.

"I don't think she can hear you."

Fei turned, quite pissed at Dr. Kyle. "Shut up, you… you… necrophiliac!"

Dr. Kyle blinked, completely confused by the situation. "How am I a necroph-"


Dr. Kyle rolled his eyes. "You TOLD me to."

Fei rolled his eyes back. "Oh, like THAT gives you permission to go off stealing dead girls. What are you going to do next? Hide little boys in your room and say its part of my plan?"

The clone of Syaoran darted out of Dr. Kyle's room, on the verge of crying.

Dr. Kyle smacked his forehead, and Fei laughed. "I'm not going to ask, Dr. Kyle."

The crow doctor, or whatever the heck kind of doctor he was, glared at Fei. "Shut. Up."

Fei picked up the princess's body, and put his fingers on her cheeks, stretching the line of her mouth into somewhat of a curve. "See? Even the dead girl thinks it's funny."

Dr. Kyle stormed off, obviously pissed at Fei and just about everyone else around him.

Fei grinned at his victory. If he had ever said that 'things can not go any more according to plan', he mused, he must have been lying. Now things were going as perfectly to plan as possible.

…even if he did have to change the plan a little bit to make that possible.

Author's Note: You know, this story made me have a nightmare a while ago about FeiKuro. Ewww. I created that freaking pairing, and now I think I'm going to go beat myself in the head with a shovel for it.
And if someone out there ever draws a Card Captor Fei picture, I'd like to see it. For shits and giggles please?

Reviews are nice! Positive or negative, I like to see how your reactions were!