Title: The Other Office
Author: Mike Pulgoni, Prince of Wales
Disclaimer: You know the drill.
Michael leaned back in his chair. It felt like a leaning back moment. He had won. No one thought he could win. Not Jan, not Pam, not John Stewart, not Al Franken, not any of those bastards on CNN, CSPAN, or MSNBC. Even FoxNews had expressed some level of doubt. But he had done it.
"What do you think my first act as President should be, Dwight?" Michael asked, head rich with victorious leaning.
"Privatize Social Security," Dwight answered decisively.
"What does that mean?" Michael asked perplexed.
"Let the big corporations run it," Dwight explained, which seemed like a fair enough idea to Michael. After all, he knew better than anyone the strength and dependability of American businessmen. "Or we could put it in the stock market."
MIchael recoiled instantly. "Dwight, I am not about gamble America's future like that!" He answered definitively. Then he had a thought. "Have we considered using it for a casino night? We could invite the other countries."
"Not Iran," Dwight suggested.
"I thought they liked us," Michael mumbled, honestly baffled.
Dwight shook his head.
"I must be thinking of Iraq," Michael decided.
Pam looked nervously into the camera. "How did Michael get elected?"
She really had to take a moment to think about that.
"Well..." she decided. "I think people really hate it when politicians seem like they're better then them... and no one could really think that about Michael."
"I guess it's kind of weird that Michael was elected President," Kevin admitted. "But what's really weird is... I know Christina Aguilera should be getting less hot the more pregnant she gets..."
Kevin looked at the screen like a little boy with a secret.
"...But she just keeps getting hotter and hotter," he nodded.
"Maybe it's because her boobs are getting bigger," he reflected thoughtfully.
"Michael," Dwight enthused, crusping his leader/god's shoulder, "I just want you to know how glad I am to be serving as your Vice President."
"There's no one I would rather have as my eighth choice," Michael responded warmly.
"And when your second term ends and you leave office..." Dwight continued.
"Barring a Constitutional amendment," Michael reminded.
"I know that you'll support my campaign," Dwight finished brightly.
"Well... we'll see," Michael replied with noticeable uncertainty.
"Yeah, Michael actually asked me to be his Vice President," Jim said, nodding. "But I was afraid I'd actually be expected to vote for him, so I told him to use Dwight."
He kept smiling though he looks somewhat less certain.
"And now Dwight's just one sniper away from being the most powerful man in the country," he continued with rueful good cheer.
Michael looked proudly across the table at his Cabinet. Oscar, his most international employee/friend, was appointed Secretary of State (although Michael privately suspected most of his time would be spent trolling for foreign swim instructors), Kevin, as an accountant, seemed like the natural choice for Secretary of Treasury, Ryan's business school training easily suggested Secretary of Commerce, while Jim's was made Secretary of Defense by random selection. Todd Packer and the warehouse crew would be duly appointed to the remaining positions as soon as he and Dwight could decipher what exactly they were meant to do. They were both sure this was enough for now and, anyway, what the hell was an Interior and why did it need its own Secretary?
"There were doubters," Michael smiled, "but we did it."
The other men in the room busied themselves by coughing, shuffling papers, and staring at the walls and tables. It was as if they all had to adjust at once.
"And I honestly believe if we can bring the same spirit of family and friendship and real, hard work to this Administration that we did to the office in Scranton," we beamed, "we can make a real difference for this Country."
Jim stood up. "I have something important I'd like to bring to the attention of the room."
"Absolutely, Jim," Michael smiled. "I encourage you to speak as part of my Open Door Policy."
"Right," Jim agreed, temporarily overcome be Michael's raw Michaeality. "This is an important fax I just received from Angela."
"Angela Martin," Michael explained to the omnipresent camera. "Soon to be the first female Cabinet member in United States history."
Oscar sighed. eager to cut through the crap. "What's in the fax, Jim?"
Jim held it up for the camera. "It appears to be a cat poking her head into a pizza box," Jim explained.
Dwight scowled at him. "Why would you possibly think that was important?"
Jim shrugged. "Well, it sure is cute."
"You're such a woman," Dwight snorted.
"Hey, hey, hey!" Michael shouted. "You are the Vice President of These United States, Dwight! If anyone hears you making comments like that, it could be an international incident!"
"It wouldn't be an international incident," Oscar sighed.
"We can't have anyone thinking this Administration is insensitive to women," Michael insisted. "Can you imagining all the petty bitching that would cause?"
And with that every man in the Cabinet prepared himself to resign in disgrace.
"I'm honored to be in Michael's Cabinet," said Oscar, who clearly wasn't. "Of course I am."
There followed an awkward pause.
"I should have gone to France with Toby," he sighed.
"I got on a plane November First, I figured it was probably for the best," Toby explained. "I'm going to miss my daughter, but... sometimes you just want to be far away from American extradition."