Akatsuki: The Family Project

Okay, okay, only the first chapter: I don't own Naruto. But I DO own Claire.

Disclaimer… Yeah: This has nothing; NOTHING to do with the original storyline of Rise of the Shniz, Or Attack of the Tobi.

Enjoy.

"Gather Akatsukis! I have the biggest announcement of the century!" The leader called through the halls of the huge Akatsuki base. No answer. "… Is this megaphone on!?" The leader tampered with the megaphone, making those static noises that annoy the living shit Outta us. Lucky for them, Surround sound speakers were scattered around each of their rooms.

"AARGH!! WHAT!?" Hidan yelled, slamming open his door. "WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT AT 2:00AM!?" Hidan held his alarm clock. The leader gave him a blank look, then brightened up. "WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER EVERY-"

"YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL!!" Hidan yelled. "You're yelling!" Kakuzu said. Hidan threw his alarm clock at him. "Oh My god I'm becoming my dad!" He said quickly.

"Anyway, I'M A DAD!!" The leader reached into his cloak and pulled out… a kid…!? Silence.

"So, you and Flower-chan finally tied the knot." Deidara said. By now, the rest of the Akatsukis had woken up and were now standing at their door. "Oh yeah, about that Flower-chan thing… her name's Konan now." The leader said. "…You're full of surprises today, aren't you leader?" Sasori said, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "Yeah, didja hear me? I have a kid!" Sasori's eyes widened to the size of saucers, as did the others. "Wow, you guys're really in sync today. Anyway… Yeah. Me and Flower-chan didn't do it." Everyone's eyes shrank a bit, but were still classified as HUGE.

"So… you did it with another lady…" Tobi said. "NO!! I do not go around fucking other ladies! I haven't even done it with Flower-chan yet!!" The leader yelled. "So you're a virgin…" Hidan snickered. A kunai was thrown at his head. "Oh very mature!" He said.

"Hidan, I gotta get this chapter moving along." The leader said. "Anyway, so yeah. I was stealing power tools because I… broke the ones in the basement. (Out of frustration) And I happened to find 'Claire'…" The leader explained. "'claire'?" Itachi asked. "Hey, you will address her with a capital C!" The leader said sternly. Itachi sighed. "Where is 'Claire'?" It was then that the leader noticed that he was holding nothing but air.

Silence…

"HURRY UP AND FORM A SEARCH PARTY!!" The leader yelled. "Search for breakfast?" Zetsu asked. "NO, SEARCH FOR CLAIRE!!" Everyone stared. "Fine, after we find Claire we can… I dunno rob a king buffet or something…" Everyone cheered loudly. "Shh! Flower-chan's still sleeping!" The leader said. "Raaaaahhh!!!" They all roared quietly, the leader joining them.

"Claire…! Claire!?" Kisame and Itachi called, walking down the dark hallways. "Hey, where's Samehada?" Itachi asked. "What?" Kisame looked on his back where Samehada was supposed to be. Except for now. "HEY! SAMEHADA!" Kisame looked around. "Found it." They saw Samehada being pulled into the bathroom.

"Hey! Samehada! What're you doing in the bathroom?" Kisame said fondly, walking towards the sword. "Huh? I found you Claire!" He exclaimed. Suddenly, he was knocked down and dragged into the bathroom. All the while, Itachi's back was turned. Violent plunging sounds and flushing was heard. "Eew… Kisame next time you eat that extra huge burrito tell me first so I know when to avoid you! Sheesh that's disgusting-" Itachi took a step forward, opening a trap door.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!" Itachi landed hard on the ground. Looking up he saw Claire at the top. "Haha, you fell in!" She laughed. "Claire!? Did you do this!? When!?" Itachi asked. Claire shrugged. "I don't know! I found it! It's mine!" She said. "Can you please let me out!?" Itachi asked. "Nah, but if you get lonely, you can play with this fish man!" As if on cue, a giant drain pipe spewed out Kisame. "He's such a baby, though. Can't take one swirly." Claire said, playing with her hair, bored.

"That… was the most violent swirly I've ever experienced in my life…" Kisame said, dazed. Then he passed out. "Well, I'm going to go find the others!" Claire said bye and closed the door, making it dark.

-:- Hidan and Kakuzu-:-

"Claire!" Hidan swung his scythe into the wall, making it crumble to the ground. "CLAIRE!!" He damaged the wall opposite of him. "Claire! Claire! Claire!!!" Hidan had destroyed three walls. "You're gonna destroy the whole base if you keep that up!" Kakuzu yelled. "So? I'm immortal and you have like, 4 other lives. I think we're fine if a building falls on us." Hidan figured. "… You're right. (For once)." Kakuzu started smashing walls and (priceless) furniture.

"Claire-" Kakuzu fell into a trap door that led him into a maze of tubes that seemed to go on for miles. Hidan turned around. "Kakuzu?" He looked down at the floor where a huge gaping hole was present. "Heh. Not falling down that one. Hahaha… OH GOD!!" Hidan saw himself sinking into the ground. "AH!! AHHH!!! OH GOD!!" He started flailing.

Tobi walked by, noticing Hidan flailing and panicking at nothing. "Hm. Must be a genjutsu!" He said. "PITIFUL!!" Madara Said angrily. He felt something wrap around his ankle. He looked down, seeing that a rope was tied around his ankle. He looked up to see the very same rope twirled around various tubes and spikes. Looking ahead he saw Claire holding the other end of the rope. She had a look that asked "Let Go?"

As Tobi, he shook his head. "No!" Claire nodded. "Yes?" Tobi shook his head again. "NO!!" Claire had an evil smile. She let go of the rope, and suddenly Madara took over. "CURSE YOU CHILD OF SATAN!!" He was pulled to the ceiling, hitting the various tubes and spikes.

What a weird guy. Claire felt something bump against her leg. "Huh?" She saw Hidan still flailing and screaming. "AH! AH! OH MY GOD!!" He screamed. "Are you sure you're an S-ranked criminal?" Claire asked. "WHAT!? I HEAR WORDS BUT NOT THE THING THAT'S MAKING THEM! I THINK I'M HAVING A HEART ATTACK!!" Claire sighed, and pushed him into the trap door that Kakuzu fell in.

"You okay?" Itachi asked Kisame, helping him up. "Yeah, I think so." Kisame responded. Suddenly, a huge hole appeared in the wall, spitting out Kakuzu. He crashed into Kisame. "Haha, you got his by Kakuzu!" Itachi laughed mockingly. Suddenly, Hidan shot out of the same hole and hit Itachi. "Haha you got his by Hidan!" Kisame laughed.

Tobi fell into the hole after he was flung into and around every pipe around the base and landed on both of them. "I would say Ha Ha… but we both got hit." Kisame said. "Oh I feel sick…!" Tobi said and barfed on Kisame. "Ha ha you got barfed on by an idiot!" Itachi laughed.

Zetsu was searching in the kitchen. "Claire?" He looked in the stove. Suddenly, it burst in flames. "WOAH!" He quickly backed off. "Uh… Fire extinguisher… Fire extinguisher… aha! Yes!" Zetsu tore the fire extinguisher off the wall and fired it at the fire. But instead of a fire extinguisher he grabbed a Flame thrower, making the flames worse. "FLAME THROWER!?" He threw a bucket of water at the flames, but it actually turned out to be gas. "GAS!?" The stove exploded, blowing Zetsu through several walls and into Itachi.

"Ew… Steamed… vegetables…!" He choked out.

When Itachi finally pushed off Zetsu, suddenly Deidara and Sasori dropped in. "What'd she get you guys with?" Hidan asked. "She threatened me with termites…" Sasori said shamefully. "Genjutsu." Deidara stated. "What'd you see?" Hidan asked. "Millions of Tobis…" Deidara said.

"You're not nice…" Tobi said. "Yeah, well, you're not smart." Suddenly, Madara came out. "YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S A SKANK!!" He yelled. Deidara choked a sob. "Madara! That was too harsh!" Tobi scolded. "Say you're sorry and mean it!"

"I TOTALLY MEANT IT!!" Madara yelled. Deidara burst out crying. "Hey! You totally skipped the apology!" Tobi said. "I DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOU!! YOU'RE A RETARD!!" Madara yelled. Tobi started crying. "Oh great! Now we have to deal with another baby…"

"Oh Daaad!!" They heard Claire call. "Claire? Oh Claire! Where have you bee-" The leader fell down a hole, landing on Itachi. "WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP LANDING ON ME!?" He yelled.

"I'm sorry to say this leader, but… You totally deserved that." Zetsu said.

"YOU'RE PATHETIC!! I'M ASHAMED TO CALL YOU AN AKATSUKI!!" Madara screamed.

Suddenly, everything went dark. "H-Hey! What's happening!?" Kisame asked. A rumbling sound was heard. "I think we're moving!" Deidara said. "And why does the hole feel like metal? And why do I see the sky instead of the ceiling? AND WHY ARE WE POINTING UP!?" Kisame shot the questions, panicking.

"Hey Claire! You passed the test!" The leader yelled happily, waving up at Claire. "Yaay!! I'm so Happy!" She exclaimed.

"Leader, where the HELL are we!?" Itachi asked angrily. "Test? WHAT DO YOU MEAN TEST!?" Tobi/Madara said. "Oh, this has been a test to see Claire's abilities as a shinobi! She totally passes! Her score's WAY above average! And WAY above you guys." The leader explained. "Too mean…" Itachi muttered.

"Anyway, so yeah. Finish it, Claire!" The leader called. "Finish what?" Zetsu asked. The leader gave them a look that said 'duh!' "Well, we're about to be shot out of a cannon. Didn't you get that clue?" he said. "Look, no matter Fubar the enemy or his henchmen get, an evil villain must complete their plot. Or just as close."

"Fubar?" Hidan asked.

"'Fucked Up Beyond All Reason.'" The leader said.

"So anyway, LAUNCH IT CLAIRE!!" The leader held up a thumbs up. "NOO!!"

Silence…

"No boom?" The leader asked. He looked up. "Claire? Did you fall asleep or something?" He said. "We're saved…" Everyone said.

"Pein, do you want to explain to me why there's a 5 year old toddler about to shoot you and everyone out of a cannon and into deep space?" Flower-chan asked, Claire in her arms.

After a brief explanation, The leader finally said,

"Well, that's what happened.

"I thought you said she was asleep the whole time!" Itachi said. "Well, I kinda left out the part where she woke up and I explained everything to her." The leader said casually.

"So… I'm a mom?" Flower-chan asked. "Yes Konan, you are a mom… I guess." Flower-chan shrugged. "Meh."

"So can I finish this up?" Claire asked. "Go ahead." Flower-chan said, her motherly side kicking in.

"Well men. It's Akatsukis FIRST VOYAGE INTO SPACE!!" The leader exclaimed proudly. Claire pushed the button, launching them into space.

… A puff of smoke was seen on the sun that day…

"You must be hungry!" Flower-chan said, taking Claire's hand. She nodded happily. "Let's go get some lunch." Flower-chan and Claire went out for lunch.

The ship went around the moon, sending it back to earth.

The leader crawled out of the rocket. "That was… Awesome…" he said. "Too bad about Hidan though…" Kakuzu said.

Suddenly a huge meteor crash landed beside Itachi. "HA! IT MISSED!!" He yelled triumphantly. Hidan came fall down after it, of course, landing on Itachi. "Always the people…" He muttered.

"Oh, you're back. How was your stay on the moon?" The leader asked. "I found myself in the middle of the scene where Darth Vader cut off Luke's hand. He got my arm instead." Hidan lifted up the part of his arm that was still attacked to his body. "So, to finish the movie, I blew up the death star and left for home." He added.

"Wow, you saved the universe!" Tobi exclaimed. "Not really, I killed all the rebels… when I got back to base. I was FRUSTRATED and ANGRY." Hidan said. "Oh, well welcome back." The leader said.

"Anyway, Tomorrow, me and Konan are gonna go stop by Hinata's house and… ask her how to… raise a kid, really. So, you guy'll be babysitting Claire." Hidan fell to the floor. Sobs and sniffling could be heard. "Tobi, are you crying?" Deidara asked. "I just… died a little inside…" Tobi clutched his heart.

Claire had a mischievous grin plastered on her face.

-:-

Dedicated to Hidan's Arm.

Omake Theatre: Claire

Claire has lighter auburn hair that the leader. Some of her hair is clipped up with a Flower accessory (courtesy of Flower-chan) on her right side. She's 5 years old.

The leader found her in an alley way, decided she had potential to be his heir to the Akatsuki throne. Or stool or… whatever the hell they use.

So when he's done torturing them, Claire will take his place.

P.S. Shniz won't appear much in this story.