Y-You know… because… Claire's like a witch and it's a sort of experiment for Konan and Pein to take up parenting and stuff and it's Akatsuki and…


But read this first. Like, the chapter. Then scream your brains out from the ULTIMATE EPIC WIN THIS IS MADE OUT OF!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA –cough hack cough- AHAHAHAHAHAHA –sudden barfing-

So yeah.


In the third chapter.

I like fudge.

This sentence is to just waste five seconds of your life to wait for this EPICLY AWESOME –is shot-

Epic… win… -dies-

Akatsuki: The Claire Witch Project

Chapter Three: Epic (a.k.a. At the Beach)








In a matter of minutes, all the Soul Reaper captains were gathered neatly in the meeting hall.

"There has been a great disturbance in the great spiritual… thing!" General Yamamoto (Yama because… Yama :D) announced, an overhead screen appearing behind him. "What is it this time?" Byakuya asked. The screen showed Pein's group of Akatsukis. "The Akatsuki, Pein's group. Big surprise." Yama (LOL) said in a serious tone.

"So what's the problem with them?" Hitsugaya asked. "This child has been taken in and being raised as a villain by Pein and… his scary-looking girlfriend." The screen switched to a picture of Claire, and then a picture of the three (Pein, Konan, and Claire). "Whoa, they got a kid?" Kenpachi said, surprised. "Yes. But don't be surprised. This child is not as harmless as she seems. Roll the clip!"

In the video, it showed Claire drinking a whole bottle of soda and burping. A harmless act, right? WRONG. A sudden switch to an outside camera showed that the second Claire burped, half of the base collapsed from the energy.

Everyone stared wide eyed as the explosion's shockwaves reached the camera and its holder. After a few clips of static it showed the camera guy cut in half in trying to crawl towards his backpack which was just out of reach. Then the screen turned off.

"Perhaps I should have avoided that part of the clip." Yama said solemnly. "You think!?" Hitsugaya said.

"It is because of her destructive powers that I have decided to assign two captains to capture her and seal her away from the world and beyond." There was a short pause.

"NOT IT." He said. Immediately everyone followed until Byakuya and Hitsugaya were the only two left. "Dammit!" they both said.

Meanwhile, at the Espada base, Aizen and his (cough, servants) were discussing a similar matter.

"So, in order to harness her powers, Ulquiorra, Grimmjow, I will send you two to capture her." Aizen said. Hesitantly, after seeing the same clip as the Soul Reapers, they nodded, heading towards the human world.

And now for something completely different.

"BEACH TIIIIIIIIMEEE!!" Kisame shouted, running out towards the sea (that was a strange green color) with his surfboard over his head. "Kisame, we haven't left the base yet! That's a toxic waste dump!" Itachi yelled at him, annoyed. "WHAT!?" ignoring his screams of something burning (for example, his eyes), Pein turned towards the (stolen) car and grinned.

"Everyone, get in the car! We're going to the beach!" he said, raising his arm (that was still holding Claire's hand) happily. She flew into the air and landed right in between Hitsugaya and Byakuya. "GRAB HER!" they yelled, jumping on top of her.

As they were walking back to wherever they came from, Hitsugaya had her slung over his shoulder. "That went easier than expected!" he said proudly. "I know. I thought she'd try something b y now… what's that behind you?" Byakuya asked, pointing to the black tentacles forming behind Hitsugaya. "What?" he looked behind him only to be socked in the face by a giant black fist.

Claire jumped off his shoulder and giggled childishly. "Kitty!" the monster that she summoned roared, making the birds in the nearby tree fly away. Byakuya drew his Zanpakuto and called out its name. "Scatter! Senbon Zakura!" There was a huge flash of light and the blade exploded. There were pink flower petals everywhere.

Then there was an awkward silence.

Byakuya jiggled the handle a bit, yelling the sword's name again. "Uh… Byakuya? What's going on?" Hitsugaya asked. "Just give it a minute." Byakuya said, glaring intensely at the handle. During this time, all the petals were blown away in the wind. "Fuck." He cursed.

Meanwhile, the monster smashed Byakuya into the ground, leaving only his head above ground. "This is humiliating." He said in embarrassment.

"Why isn't your Zanpakuto working!?" Hitsugaya asked. Strangely, the monster Claire summoned was giving them time to think. "Maybe our powers are dulled in this world." Byakuya said. "It's a little more that just 'dulled'." Hitsugaya said. "But if that's really the case, why now? We go to the human world all the time!" he added. "Well maybe it's because we're in a different dimension than we're used to." They were supposed to be used to other dimensions?

The monster, getting impatient, smashed Hitsugaya into the ground just like Byakuya. After, it disappeared and Claire ran off to meet the Akatsukis for their wonderful trip to the beach.

"…Now what?"

"We wait for the scene to change and then we'll magically poof out of the ground and start devising our next plan."


-:- (ahem, scene change) -:-

"Now that that problem's solved… WE'RE FINALLY AT THE BEACH! WE, THE EVIL ORGANIZATION AKATSUKI!!" Pein shouted to the world. "Do you have to shout? The police station is right down the street from here." Konan said, sighing in annoyance.

"BEACH TIME!!" Kisame cheered, jumping into the deep end of the water. A second later he jumped out and started swimming frantically to avoid being eaten by a shark. How ironic.

Meanwhile, Ulquiorra and Grimmjow were hiding in the sand.

"Heey… Heeey! They're here!" Grimmjow said, stating the obvious. "Really? I had no clue." Ulquiorra said sarcastically. "He only shouted 'we, the Akatsuki are here'. I never would have guessed." He added. Grimmjow only stared at him before jumping out of the sand and yelling, "Let's get 'em!" Ulquiorra pulled him back down. "Not yet! We still haven't thought of a plan!" he hissed. "We don't need a plan!" Grimmjow retorted.

"Yes, we do! Remember the last time you went in without a plan?" Ulquiorra asked. "…No." Grimmjow answered. "Exactly! You rushed in, got knocked out, and everyone else on your team died! It's your fault we had a lack of recruitment last year!" Ulquiorra scolded. "…Shut up!"

"So what do you plan on doing?" Grimmjow asked. Ulquiorra stayed silent, probably thinking. Or staring into space, we can never tell. A few minutes later he said, "Let's get 'em!" he stood up from the sand. "That's what I said earlier!" Grimmjow yelled. "Yeah, but that was when they were still remotely alert. Now, they're in a false state of security." Ulquiorra said, sounding smart. "…You're makin' that up. LET'S GET 'EM!!"

The two ran across the sand and towards the Akatsuki down by the ocean. But when they reached the point of halfway, they tripped on a sudden rock and into the ocean. They crawled out of the water (looking incredibly foolish) and pointed dynamically at Pein.

"PEIN OF AKATSU-" The water hit them again, sending them farther into the ocean. Too lazy to actually do anything about being halfway out into the ocean, Ulquiorra began yelling. "PEIN OF AKATSUKI! WE, THE ESPADA ARE HERE TO KIDNAP YOUR CHILD! HAND HER OVER IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO SUFFER A HUMILIATING DEFEAT!!"

Pein, however, did not hear a single word he was saying. He was listening to a very loud boom box playing death metal screamo music, making it close to impossible to hear anyone in the depths of the ocean. The vibrations were felt even in the sand, and amazingly the police didn't notice them, what with all the commotion they've caused already.


"Stop cutting yourself!" Grimmjow yelled mockingly at Ulquiorra. "Stop cutting yourself!" there was an awkward pause. "Dude, seriously. Stop cutting yourself. It's not good for you." He said in a serious tone. "What's the point in living if we're living a life of failure!?" Ulquiorra asked miserably. "Oh, come on. We only failed one time. We'll get her next time!" Grimmjow said jokingly. Why was he joking?

"Oh yeah? How?" Ulquiorra asked, not expecting an answer. Grimmjow stayed silent as they sat there. "Sit there and do nothing? We've already done that! FAIL." Ulquiorra yelled, the cave they were in echoing their voices.


"Hey, Konan." Pein said. "What?" Konan looked at him. "Someone FAILED."



"What are they doing now?" Hitsugaya asked.

"Well, Pein and Konan are resting, our target is torturing the crabs with her sand-dungeon, and the other idiots are trying to bury two of their own members in the sand.

"…and the winner is…HIDAN!" Hidan, our immortal zealot was buried, dead, in the sand. The contest was who could die in the sand first.

"…I think one of them is dead." Byakuya said, giving them a weird look. "Oh. Well that makes things a bit easier then." Hitsugaya figured. "No, no… It doesn't make sense. The guy who died was the immortal one." Byakuya said. "How the hell did they manage that?" Hitsugaya asked in disbelief. "I… I don't know."

"Haha! Okay, Deidara, you can come out now." Itachi laughed, waiting for the blonde to sprout out of the ground. "…Dude?" Itachi stared at the sand. Nothing. "It's a tie!" Kakuzu yelled into a microphone. Anonymous cheering was heard in the background.

"Oh hey, I think I see something… the Espada?" Byakuya said, backing away from the binoculars. "What are they doing here?" Hitsugaya asked. "I think they got the same assignment we got. They just ran away with our target." Byakuya said. "What!? We have to chase them!" Hitsugaya was about to run off but Byakuya stopped him. "Give it a minute… watch."

In a few seconds (note: not minutes) Ulquiorra and Grimmjow were eaten by a giant black tentacle monster that was summoned by Claire. "ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRR!!" it roared, spitting out Ulquiorra's Hollow mask. "Yay! Mask!" Claire picked it up, but Kisame grabbed it.

"YEAAAAHHHH!! MASK PARTY!!" he, too, was eaten by the monster. The mask fell once again into Claire's hands. She walked to Konan (Mommy). "Mommy, can I have money for ice cream?" She asked. Konan looked at her, and then the mask on her head. "Where'd you get that? Put that back; you don't know where its been." She said, flinging the mask somewhere on the beach. "Okay. Thank you!" Claire walked over to the Ice Cream Truck, And immediately the black tentacle monster came out and attacked it, sprinkling Ice Cream all around Claire.

"Hey! Quit hogging it!" Itachi shouted at her. The Akatsuki were all drunk, wobbling their way towards the ice cream truck. Oddly enough, the monster gave them a shitload of ice cream to get them to go away. "Alriiiiight!! Ice cream party!!" Zetsu shouted, sounding like a total… 'dude'.

Meanwhile, Pein and Konan were talking about their role as parents for Claire. "Do you think I'm a bad father?" Pein asked. "OH MY GOD!!" Konan shrieked. "Geez, you don't have to exaggerate…" Pein said, pouting. "NO, You horrible father, LOOK!!" Konan pointed towards the Akatsuki who were surrounding a small bonfire with Claire sitting on a melting pile of Ice Cream Boxes.

"Back! Back you horrible drunks!!" Konan pushed through the Akatsukis toward Claire while Pein made his way to the Mexican Ice Cream Truck Driver.

"I am sooo sorry." Pein apologized, bowing. The driver yelled something in Spanish. "Oh Jeez, a foreigner." He sighed. "Okay. Me, Pein." He pointed to himself. "You, Mexican." He pointed to the driver. "Pein Apologize to Mexican." He pointed to himself and then to the driver, holding out a hand. "Friends?" he asked slowly. The driver muttered something (probably curses) in Spanish and kicked Pein hard in the balls. (BTW: No offense to Mexicans. Really. Kthxbybbq)

Pein waddled towards Konan, clutching the stinging place that was formerly known as Pein's balls. "I think we should go home." He croaked. "Yeah. Let's go, you drunks." Konan said, carrying Claire towards the car. "And don't forget Hidan and Deidara." Konan added.

On the way home, Hidan and Deidara miraculously came back to life for future torture- I mean, chapters. Yeah. And the Akatsukis all had a huge happy hangover. As for Pein, whenever they hit a bump in the road, his balls hurt. "Ow. Ow. Ow. Why'd we pick such a bumpy road? Ow. Ow. Ow…"

"Oh god… I have such a hangover…" Itachi murmured. "Wait… where's Kisame? I'd think that he would still be drunk enough to let us dare him into being dragged by rope behind the car." He looked around. "Hidan's that kind of drunk. Look." Kakuzu jerked a thumb towards Hidan, who was currently being dragged by rope behind the car, laughing maniacally. "But… he didn't drink anything." Itachi said. "It's… kinda automatic for him. I heard that he was born drunk; his mother drank a lot." Kakuzu explained. "Huh."

Meanwhile (we've been having a lot of those lately) Byakuya and Hitsugaya were hiding in the trunk of the car. "Why?" Hitsugaya hissed. "Got any better ideas?" Byakuya hissed back. "Too late now."

Meanwhile (again) at the beach, Kisame rose out of the ground. "Hey guys I got a souvenir! …Guys?" Kisame asked as he walked towards the road. Ulquiorra rose out of the ground shortly after, followed by Grimmjow. "Where is she!?" Ulquiorra hissed angrily. "I can't believe I'm the one saying this, but calm down." Grimmjow said. "No, man! I can't calm down! She took my mask that's where I draw the line! I'M GONNA KILL HER! She's dead, DEAD!" Ulquiorra was punched by Grimmjow and immediately calmed down.

"Sorry. I just lost my mask, and now I'm frustrated. Thanks." Ulquiorra said, taking slow and deep breaths. "So what do we do now?" Grimmjow asked. "Let's follow them. Can't be that hard." Ulquiorra found his mask farther down the beach, took it, and began walking towards the road.


You guys probably know that I'm sorry for the late update… and can you say RANDOM PLOT OF A STORY!? I can't. Just so you know.