I began writing this fanfiction in September of 2007, well before Kushina was introduced in the manga.
This interpretation of her is based on the words exchanged between Jiraiya and Tsunade in chapter 367.
So, even if she's radically different than what Kishimoto chooses to present to us in the future, then please enjoy this look into the Naruto universe regardless. Just, please, don't send me reviews about her being "OOC." Like I said, this fanfic was started before Kushina properly appeared in the manga.
Greatly appreciated! Please read and enjoy.
"You know what, I bet you anything that the Hokage is a virgin."
Kushina Uzumaki looked up from her beer, utterly confused. "A what?" she said.
"You know," Hyou Kakougan, one of her teammates, continued, rocking his glass back and forth with his finger. "A fuckin' virgin. It's so obvious."
It was late December, and Kushina and her team had just returned to Konoha from a particularly pesky mission in the Land of Waves (more like Land of Totally Annoying Blizzards that Pop Up Without Warning, Kushina felt), and they were exhausted. It was freezing there, and it was freezing back home, which made none of them feel any better about their exhaustion.
The perfect solution, she and Hyou figured, was alcohol. And lots of it.
Sazanka Haruno, their medic, disapproved of this greatly. She went home almost immediately after she stepped through the giant gates of Konoha, to much jeering and laughter from Kushina and Hyou. Afterward, they dragged their bespectacled leader, Arare Kagayaki (who, ironically, had far less willpower than either of them) to a nearby stand, and proceeded to get plastered.
Time passed, and Arare was nodding off as Hyou and Kushina began talking about the local residents of Konoha, and their sexual prowess. How they got on the subject, nobody knew, but it was far more interesting than just sitting around and staring at each other.
"Okay, Mr. Know-it-All," Kushina said, giving a disoriented glare. "How d'you know? That the Hokage's a virgin, anyways."
"Because. Because it's obvious," said Hyou. "The man has the sexual orientation of a rock."
"Rocks. Rocks like moss," Arare said thoughtfully, from his spot beside Kushina.
"Hey, shut up," Hyou said, and Arare contentedly rested his head on his arms, too drowsy to care.
"No, but seriously," Kushina continued. "Why? I mean... why him, a virgin?"
Hyou began nodding as he spoke. "He's not married," he said, "and I don't remember him dating anyone. Not anyone. Plus, hell, you see how busy he is? He was a fuckin' nerd even back in school, too. No time for girls. No... no time."
"Uh... which Hokage are we talking about, again?" said Kushina, giving a slightly disgusted face. "Because ol' Sandaime is most definitely married. With kids. And besides, Kakougan," she added, with an unusually studious expression, "you do not look as old as that guy Jiraiya. And he's... he's done a thousand girls."
"Probably more," Arare added.
"I don't mean those guys," Hyou said, glaring a little. "I mean the new guy. Namikaze. Right? That one."
"Oh, the one that beat out Orochimaru-sama," Arare mumbled. "That one."
"Oh, right. So that's what you meant," Kushina scoffed. She gave an almost delicate glance up at the roof of the stand where they were drinking. "Well, I'm sure he's not."
Hyou gave a swaggering smirk, his fat lips stretching across his face. "Awright, then," he said, "name one reason that the Hokage can't be a virgin."
"Because," Arare said, feebly lifting his index finger from his spot next to Kushina, "it's a requirement."
"...a what?" Kushina and Hyou said.
"To be Hokage," Arare explained. His voice lilted as he waved his finger around. "You gotta... not be a virgin. It's a requirement."
"You're a virgin too, Kagayaki," Hyou said, with a sniff of a laugh. Arare's glasses tilted a bit further off his face as he grimaced.
"I am not," he said, raising his head off his arms. His hand had dropped like a sack. "For your... for your information, I am, in fact, seeing a girl right... right now."
"What's her name, then?" Kushina asked, cattily. Arare mumbled something, and buried his face back in his arms. She continued. "Anyways, seriously, why would it be a requirement to not be a virgin in order to be Hokage? I mean, why?"
"Um... it proves... it proves ineptitude. Or something," Hyou said, not exactly aware of what he was saying. It was rather obvious, anyways—his large ears were beginning to turn red, along with his face.
"Ineptitude means it shows how he can't do anything, you moron," Kushina said.
"I knew that," Hyou replied.
"Ri-ight, sure you did," Kushina smirked. She gave a rather fox-like smile, which wrinkled her nose and bright, brown eyes.
"Just like you know the Hokage's not a virgin?" Hyou retorted. Kushina stopped smiling. "Ha! Got you there."
"Shut up," she said, and took a good sip of her drink.
"No, seriously! You don't know whether or not... whether or not the guy's a virgin!" said Hyou, his own smirk growing by the second.
"So? Neither do you," said Kushina, not looking at him. "Fuck off."
"Oh-ho, touchy!" said Hyou. "I bet you're just dying to know, anyways."
"Am not," Kushina said, as sternly as she could for someone under that level of inebriation.
"Are too," said Hyou. Kushina said nothing in return, wishing she had another drink. Arare appeared to be sleeping, his shoulders gently rising and falling. "Hey, hey, you know what," Hyou added. "I bet you ten thousand ryuu that you can't find it out for yourself."
"Find out what?" said Kushina, her ears perking up considerably at the mention of money. She had a reputation for doing downright embarrassing things just for it.
Hyou knew this. He grinned. "Whether or not the Hokage's a virgin," he said. "That's pretty easy, right?"
"Hell yeah, it is!" said Kushina, a rakish gleam in her eye. "Ten thousand ryuu, you say?"
"And if I lose? Is it the same?"
Hyou gave a somewhat thoughtful look, then nodded. "Sounds about right, I guess."
"Then it's a deal!" Kushina said, extending her hand for the sealing shake. Hyou, however, put up his hand.
"Hold... hold up, there," he said, pointing. "S'not fair if there isn't a time limit."
"Lameass!" Kushina said loudly. A few late-night passers-by tilted their heads in her direction at her outburst. "It had better be a decent one."
"New Years Day," Arare said, his voice muffled by his arms. Apparently, he was still conscious.
"Hey, that doesn't sound half-bad," said Hyou. "Okay, Kushina. You got... got until New Years Day to figure out whether or not the Hokage is a..." He held in a burp. "...virgin. That's, like, three days."
"Four," Arare mumbled.
"Shut the hell up, Kagayaki," Hyou said.
"Okie-dokie," Arare said cheerfully.
Hyou continued. "You'd better have a damn good reason for how you found out, too."
"'course I will," Kushina said, and offered her hand again. "So? Are we gonna shake on it or not?"
"Shake on it," said Hyou, and they did so.
Kushina woke up the next morning with one hell of a hangover.
She had fallen asleep on the couch, rather than the bed, half undressed and her hair sticking out in just about every direction possible. She had also forgotten to take off her hitai'ate, which left a bright red rectangle on the top of her head. It rather nicely complimented her bloodshot eyes, though the fact caused her to scowl at the mirror and blink in the over-bright sun. She never handled alcohol all that well on the second day.
The first order of business was a nice shower, she decided, and then a mixture of her Famous Kushina-Mix-Up-Hangover-Remedy. The recipe went as follows: a tomato, an egg, some chicken broth, a dash of milk (so long as it was fresh—Kushina had a notorious tendency to let her milk go sour and her bread moldy, and she wouldn't learn of it until after she had eaten the offending foods), a random pepper (any sort, so long as it's spicy), and a few peanuts tossed in for good measure. Blend until well mixed, and drink with your nose plugged.
However, the phone interrupted her morning plan back to sobriety, piercing her skull as she glared with dripping, blood-red hair over her eyes. The answering machine would have it. She was not in the mood.
"Hey! You've reached Kushina Uzumaki's answering machine, home to the best damn kunoichi in Konoha! Hell, probably the whole world! Or something. Anyways, leave a message at the beep if it's important. If it isn't, then buzz off, moron."
The beep sounded.
"Hey, Kushina! You up? Paying for those drinks in more ways than one, are we?"
It was Hyou. That asshole. Kushina scowled more, and listened from the bathroom as she dried off her body, completely bypassing the fact her hair was still plastered to her face.
"Anyways, just calling to make sure you remembered our little deal last night. Remember, you got until New Years Day to find out if You-Know-Who-sama's a virgin! And you better have a damn good reason with whatever you tell me. Lose, and you owe me ten thousand ryuu! Good luck, Kushina-chan!"
Kushina threw her towel at the answering machine as Hyou hung up, and stood very exposed in the middle of her apartment.