Warnings: Slash/Yaoi, humor (bordering on crack!fic-ness), neko-itis
Disclaimer: Owned by Kishimoto Masashi, et al.
Summary: Naruto thinks he's a cat, and Gaara's fine with that.
A/N: for Dimitri Doinav in return for the wonderful GaaNaru pic! (loves)
A/N 2: Be forewarned—this is a peculiar child of a peculiar brain. Whether the reader may find anything worthy of approbation, the author cannot say—except that zie hopes the reader will show enough human respect and dignity to refrain from sacrificing zir upon the alter of the reader's indignation. Thank you most kindly for your time and for, if you may be so inclined, a memento of your visit in the form of a review. The author is, as always, the humble and pitiable servant of your entertainment.
::Cat Scratch Fever::
It's one of those perplexing moments when Temari doesn't know if she should coo over how cute her little brother is being or question his mental state—or Uzumaki Naruto's for that matter. Why is Gaara swishing around a cat-teaser and why on earth is that blond idiot chasing after it in a decidedly feline-esque manner? The cat-teaser goes up and Uzumaki rears up, batting at it with loosely curled fists. It skitters across the floor and Uzumaki follows, pouncing and pawing at the fluffy end. A chewed feather is caught in his hair, and Gaara is doing his almost-smile, which means he's happy—really and truly.
Now what the hell is up with Uzumaki?
She clears he throat. "Kazekage-sama, I have the latest reports from Teams Eight and Thirteen."
Pale green eyes flicker over to her for a moment and then return to Uzumaki-nekochan. This really isn't much of a surprise to his older sister: he rarely spares a glance for anyone else when the Leaf-nin is in the room. He's besotted. So cute! For the first time in her life, she gets to have an adorable baby brother!
Kankuro was such a mouthy little prick when he was a kid, never any respect for his older sister, and Gaara, before he met Uzumaki, well, the less she recalls about then the better. But now, now Gaara comes to her for relationship advice, sort of. She even had to give him the "birds and the bees" talk; Kankuro had just given Gaara a bunch of pornography when she asked him to do it—this led Gaara to ask her if he could only have sex with Uzumaki if the blond was doing his creepy, in Temari's mind, oiroke no jutsu. Yes, she was the one to give Gaara the Talk, man-on-man edition. He even took notes, very, very detailed notes, and asked questions, lots and lots of very specific questions. She had to delve into her secret stash of adult graphic novels to more clearly explain certain… things.
But back to the problem at hand: "What's wrong with Uzumaki?"
Her little brother continues to tease the other boy with the cat toy and motions for her to set the sheaf of paper on his neat desk.
"His team encountered a band of rogue-nin en route to Suna. No injuries on Konoha's side, but Naruto was trapped in a genjutsu."
Swish. Jump. Pounce. Is the blond boy mewing?
"He appears to think he is a cat."
Swish. Jump. Pounce. Yes, definitely mewing. And what is with that little butt wiggle there?
"And why has no one tried to snap him out of it?" The chakra-scars really add to the whole cat-thing Uzumaki has going on right now. His canines seem a bit pointier than usual, as well. Maybe Gaara has some sort of feline-fetish—and, wow, she does not want to think about that, at all, ever again, his studiousness during the Talk was bad enough—and maybe that's why he hasn't freed his friend. Wait, but then what about Uzumaki's teammates? Surely, they wouldn't leave him like this. Well, his sensei might, but that Haruno girl seems like the no-nonsense type.
"It has been tried, but without success. The shinobi responsible is being interrogated at this moment."
"I see." She sets the reports down on the stone-topped desk and wonders how many fingers the rogue-nin has left, or how many pints of blood. Nobody messes with Gaara's loudmouth blond. "Also, here's an updated list of mission requests," she adds, setting a scroll atop the paper stack.
Uzumaki makes a pitiful little mewl when Gaara puts the toy aside and turns to resume his duties as Kazekage. However, the boy-who-thinks-he's-a-cat is not to be thwarted. Temari holds her amusement in check behind a tight smirk as Uzumaki not-so-subtly begins to squirm his way up onto her brother's lap. Considering that the blond menace is five inches taller and fifteen or so pounds heavier than Gaara, his antics are worth a slightly wider grin—also the fact that the redhead is letting him do this. Only the occasional grunt leaves her brother's lips when one of Uzumaki's bony angles jabs him in a soft spot.
It's rather cute, and disturbing, but mostly cute. She has to tell Matsuri about this. Kankuro's fiancée and Gaara's former student is the only one of her acquaintances with whom she can share these adorable moments.
Now the Uzumaki-nekochan has finally managed to fit all those long, gangly limbs on Gaara's lap and he seems determined to prevent her brother from getting any work done. The boy seems to think the reports are a new toy, especially when Gaara moves them so he can actually read what they say. Uzumaki keeps sticking his face up against each one and nibbles at the corners, or tries to bat them off the desk. Temari has to wonder how much of that is the cat and how much of that is Uzumaki himself. Whenever he visits, he's always trying to lure Gaara away from work. The boy finally settles down when her brother begins to scratch the back his head. Then he goes limp against Gaara, gently butting his nose against her brother's cheek and—dear Gods—purring.
Temari really should take her leave, but she can't move or else she might succumb to an uncontrollable fit of girlish giggles and that would just ruin her reputation as a tough, no-nonsense assistant to the Kazekage and head of an elite squad of jounin tasked with protecting their leader. But, damn, this scene is really too much.
"Is that everything?" the Kazekage asks as he sifts through the reports with one hand and scratches Uzumaki into a purring stupor with the other.
"Yes, Kazekage-sama." She pivots smartly and is about to walk out when a wicked thought occurs. She shouldn't, she really, really, really shouldn't… but… Oh hells. She turns back. "Gaara, you should put a collar on him in case he gets lost."
It's good to know even a stoic, inscrutable young man like Gaara can still blush.
Yes, she's still got it. Next time she'll have to ask him if he's finally had sex with Uzumaki. After all, it's a big sister's duty to embarrass her little brother every once and a while.