Title: Avoiding Love
Pairing: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester
Summary: I have never been the type to fall in love; have stayed clear of such emotions at all costs. xxMMxx Don't like, don't read.
Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural, nor do I know any of the actors that appear in this fic. This is just for my own entertainment and enjoyment.
I have never been the type to fall in love; have stayed clear of such emotions at all costs. It isn't that I have anything against love, I just have seen what it does to good people and I want no part of it. My dad loved my mom more than anything in this world and losing her completely destroyed him. He was a loving husband and father before the demon came along and shattered our world.
With a broken heart, my father set out to avenge my mom's death at all costs. Most of the time he forgot to be a father. Not that I blame him or hold anything against him, it just would have been nice to have my dad at home more when I was growing up. His actions forced me to grow up faster than I should have had to, though. I had responsibilities and people that were counting on me. In a lot of ways I became more of a father to Sammy than our own father was.
He became obsessed with finding the demon that he couldn't see anything else. He never realized that while he may have lost his wife, we lost our mother. He didn't care what happened to himself so long as he killed the demon, even if it killed him as well. He never thought about who he would be leaving behind. He thought his life was over, never realizing that we had lost one parent and desperately needed our father. My father's love for my mother destroyed him in the end, though, and he never even realized it.
Then we come to my brother's relationship, which also ended in tragedy. From hearing my brother talk, it was love at first sight with Jessica. She was smart, funny, and caring. He even admitted later on that he was planning on asking her to marry him. When she died, though, he was devastated. The only woman he had ever loved died the same way our mother did and not a day goes by, even to this day, where he doesn't blame himself for her death.
Just like our father, after Jess' death all he could focus on was finding her killer. Nothing else mattered to him. He became almost as obsessed as our father, and that had really scared me. I felt like I was losing him, like it was out of my control, and I hate when things are out of my control. He was willing to sacrifice himself in order to kill the demon and that hadn't sat well with me. In some ways I had lost him once and I wasn't about to lose him again.
He had also completely shut himself off from the world after Jessica died. I know he isn't the type to do one night stands, but there had been many girls that would have loved to have a relationship with him and he just blew them all off. Part of him felt like he didn't deserve to be happy again, and another part was afraid of loving someone again. He felt as though he were cursed; destined to hurt everyone he became close to. Therefore, he pushed everyone away and basically forced himself into isolation. I had never seen my brother so hurt before and I never want to again.
I had tried giving love a chance once, but was bitten in the ass in the end. I had actually opened my heart to Cassie; showed her a part of me I never showed anyone else. I had truly thought she would stand by me; understand. I had been wrong. She fled the moment I opened my mouth and didn't look back. That day I knew that I couldn't afford to love anyone, it just wasn't worth it. And the way she had looked at me when I told her the truth, I never want to see that expression again. It attacks your heart and cuts far too deeply.
After that I wanted nothing to do with love. Whenever I even sensed that a situation had the potential of turning into love I would run like hell. I had sensed it with Jo, had known for a fact that I could love her, and so I pushed her so far away she couldn't even attempt to reach me. Don't get me wrong, I had felt bad for doing that to her. In some ways I felt like I had led her on. I couldn't risk falling for her, though, so I did the one thing I always do; I ran.
That is why I can't understand how he crawled so far under my skin that I can't tear him out. It makes no sense to me how I didn't sense what was happening ahead of time so I could have put an end to it. Somehow he found the way to my heart and he hasn't forgotten the path. No matter how hard I try pushing him away he refuses to leave. I have tried running away, but he simply drags me back and pulls me further under until I feel like I am drowning.
Everything is so different with him, though. He makes it so damn easy to love him that most of the time it scares me to death. I have never cared for someone so deeply before, not even Cassie. I believe I am in way over my head this time and I see no way out of it. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, and I am afraid of getting hurt by him as well.
Sometimes I wonder if it would be best that we ended things now before it is too late, before love completely destroys us; destroys me. But, then again, I can already tell that it is past that point; the point of no return. If I were to lose him my life would be over and I know it. He means more to me than my own life; I would protect him at all costs.
Glancing down at his peaceful face as he sleeps I have to smile. Love might be an evil son of a bitch that is only there to destroy lives, and I may have avoided it in the past, but with Sam I am willing to put my heart on line.
Even now, as he sleeps peacefully beside me, I can't imagine being anywhere else. I can't even imagine going back to the way I lived my life before Sam sunk his claws into me. I don't know how I fell in love with him when I usually escape before it reaches that point, but I am not complaining in the slightest. For the first time in my life I feel alive and I have him to thank for that.
This relationship might be the death of us but I might as well consider myself already dead without his warmth against my side and the weight of his head on my shoulder.