Title: Operation: Pain in My Side

Author: Hodgepodge

Rating: PG-13

Category: Comedy, Romance

Characters: Chloe, Lois/Clark , Martha, Lucy, Shelby

Disclaimer: sigh You know who they belong to

Summary: In which Chloe is completely and utterly frustrated with the flirting and arguing and especially the sexual tension that goes on between our favorite pair.

A/N: Basically it's supposed to just get a few laughs. I started it a while ago and decided to keep up with it after Hydro. I liked the Chloe I saw at the end of that episode. She's meant to be pretty far gone in this, being driven crazy by two people will do that to a person. This is a nine part story and I hope you enjoy it--let me know if you do! Reviews are the safest drug out there.

Special thanks to Liz for beta-ing this sucka!


Operation: Pain in My Side


A sigh.

A not-so-subtle glance.

Chloe's eye twitched.

She stared at Lois and Clark incredulously as they fought over the half-eaten tub of popcorn. They tossed flirting insults back and forth during the commercials before the previews of the movie, and Chloe didn't even bother to hide her sigh of frustration.

It wasn't that she enjoyed the commercials. She actually thought that whoever decided it would be a good idea to stick the damn things before previews should be shot… or perhaps something a little less brutal.

It wasn't even that the commercials bothered her so. It was them! Lois and Clark. Mr. and Mrs. We-should-jump-each-others-bones-before-we-drive-the-world-crazy. She could only be thankful for deciding not to sit in the middle. The pair were oblivious to the fact that the banter they so frequently engaged in was bound to drive someone (and by 'someone' Chloe believed herself to fit the category perfectly) to drink.

It was bad enough that there was all this unresolved sexual tension, a sphere of it actually, surrounding and following them wherever they went, but the fact that this sphere captured anyone and everything in its path was absolutely unacceptable! How was a person supposed to deal with all of the sexual innuendos, snarky remarks, sly glances, banter and the sighs when there was nothing said person could do to relieve the tension?

She wouldn't be surprised if she started frequenting bars more often just to become numb to the reality of their obliviousness.

It was annoying as Hell. If Hell, that is, could be classified as annoying. Chloe figured it would be a little annoying being in a really hot place all of the time but who really knew if Hell was hot? Perhaps it was just misunderstood…

"That movie looks great! We should all go and see that one too! You up for it, Cuz'?" Lois asked, tossing some more popcorn into her mouth and then batting Clark's hand away from the drink they bought to share. Their "shared" drink basically meant that Lois would drink most of it herself and then eat all of the ice, which Chloe read somewhere is the byproduct of sexual frustration, before making Clark go for a refill. It was almost a routine between them. Chloe assumed she was talking about the preview that had just ended, the one she had missed completely, but lately all she could think of was the two of them and how to fix it!

"I'd rather die first," Chloe muttered in response to her cousin's comment, not caring if Lois heard her or not—or Clark for that matter, with his super hearing.

"What?" Lois asked in the loudest whisper Chloe had ever heard.

"I said I'd rather die—"

"Would you two keep it down?" A voice commanded from a few rows back, and Chloe was only partially thankful for the interruption.

Clark and Chloe both cringed slightly and lowered themselves further into their seats, knowing what was to come next.

But two? 'You two?' He couldn't have said anything before when Lois and Clark were fighting over who got to hold the candy? They were just Red Vines and Goobers for goodness sake!

"Like you could even hear if you wanted, your chewing's so loud!" Lois hissed back and threw some popcorn at the man. Chloe wasn't even sure of his response, for she sunk down even further, but in cases like this, it was usually at least the finger. Lois opened her mouth to say something else, but before she got the opportunity, Clark's hand covered her lips, and for that Chloe could only be grateful. She really didn't feel like getting into a brawl at the movie theaters, and this guy was huge. Sure they had Clark, but it wasn't like he could use his powers in front of everyone. Unfortunately, her loyalty was to Lois, but the other guy just shrugged it off and moved a seat back.

She should have learned by now not to go to the movies with Lois and Clark. Spending nine dollars on a movie was ridiculous in the first place, but thinking she would be able to concentrate anywhere near them was just insane. She contemplated moving a few rows away, but Lois would only go after her, followed shortly by Clark. She resigned herself to the fact that she was going to have to sit for two hours without any sort of release from those two.

Maybe they sold Vicodin at the concession stands…

That movie had been the start of her realization that it was either them or her. She couldn't take it anymore. She didn't seem to have the patience to be in their presence without at least 8 shots of vodka.

And Lois knew what 8 shots did to her.

They were both completely clueless of their behavior towards each other.

"Of course I don't like Smallville like that Chloe, he's just a friend."

Lois was probably the most unaware of her feelings. At least Clark would blush when she would insinuate before stuttering out "Are you kidding me? I can't like Lois." Chloe wasn't a fool; it wasn't so much that he was worried about liking her, but rather, he was afraid of Lois's reaction to him liking her.

They were idiots.

She was sick of it.

It was time for her to take serious action.


This is definitely a good idea, one of my best, Chloe thought to herself with a nod. She had asked Lois to go and grab some extra paper from the storage closet, knowing full well that the stacks of paper were too high for her to reach. She had placed them strategically so with a ladder, making sure that just the edge of the package was showing. After hearing a loud crash in the distance, Clark had taken off to see if Lois was okay.

Just as Chloe had predicted he would.

Right on time, the air conditioner turned on automatically; after all, she had programmed it to do so. She casually walked by and slammed the door closed, barely even glancing at Lois hanging by the fingers onto the highest shelf with Clark standing right under her, trying to get her to let go. If she hadn't been so frustrated, so dead bent on getting them to jump each other, she would have found the scene hilariously funny. She locked the door and made sure the "Do Not Enter" sign was still where she had placed it earlier.

And then she had walked away.

It took them less than 10 minutes to free themselves, and while she knew that Clark Kent was speedy in all things, she liked to think that he'd take his time where Lois was concerned (for his safety).

If she was going to do this right, her set-up for Clark and Lois to admit their feelings for one another (before she followed through on her plan to drink herself into a dumb stupor), then she really needed a better idea than locking them in the storage room of the Daily Planet. Chloe fumed darkly as she watched her victims stumble out of said storage room with looks of bewilderment.

"Hey Chlo, you'll never guess what just happened," Lois began and shot a look at Clark.

"You got locked in the storage closet," Chloe stated dryly and turned to her computer so that they wouldn't notice her rolling her eyes and frowning in disappointment.

"Yeah. How'd you...?" Lois asked in slight amazement before Clark decided it was time to add to the conversation and cut her off.

"Not only did we get locked in but the spare key was missing! And the air conditioner automatically turned on--"

"And we just barely managed to get the door open with the supply of pencils!" Lois finished his sentence with a smug smile.

"Pencils?!" Chloe exclaimed, and the oblivious pair missed the glare that she shot towards the "stockman" on the other side of the room. She had warned him about stocking the shelves. The man, more of a boy really, noticed her snarl and hid behind Carl from the Sports section.

What she really needed was a great plan, and this great plan could really only be plotted if she studied her prey.


Ok, so that's the prologue of sorts. As I said above this story only has nine parts and it's complete so I will be posting the next part every day or so. Leave me a review! I love reviews!!