Author's Note: I'm resubmitting this. I accidentally deleted it a few minutes ago. So anyway, this is for the Moo, for her birthday. Well, for last year's birthday, which was when I started it. And the next chapter should be up in a day or so. (Patience, Cass.)

Disclaimer: Need I even say that I don't own HP? Would I seriously be writing fanfiction if I did?

This is Alice. Alice is a camel. Well, no she's not, just that once she had to write a picture book for school, and it started with: "This is Carmel. Carmel is a camel." Right, now I'm getting off track. Here is Alice. She is sitting beside me eating her recess that she didn't eat at recess today. Can you see her? No, you probably can't, seeing as what you are probably seeing as you read this is a computer screen full of writing. So you'll have to use your imagination.

Alice is sitting on my bed trying to pretend that she brushed her hair this morning rather than just tying it back. It is Alice's birthday. She just turned fourteen. I will start a conversation about chooks with her. I asked, "What do you think about chooks, Alice?", so she said, "Chooks are cool." That might give you some idea of what Alice is like.

So, as Alice sits on my bed, eating her recess, doing her best impression of a person who did brush her hair this morning and reading a booklet labelled "Calligraphy Classic Kit", all of a sudden, her leg begins to hurt because she's sitting in such a weird position. She shifts slightly to make herself more comfortable, when suddenly, everything goes black.

Da-da-da-DUM!

Alice blinks rapidly, wondering what the hell is going on and why she can't see. She has a fleeting suspicion that she is being magically transported to Hogwarts, but no, that can't be right. She rubs her eyes. Still nothing happens. Everything is as black as ever. Well, not as ever, because everything's only been black for a few moments, but everything's as black as it was just before Alice rubbed her eyes. Suddenly, something occurs to Alice – her eyes are shut. When she opens them, she is still sitting on a bed in an awkward position, still clutching a "Calligraphy Classic Kit" in her hands, but when she looks up, there's someone standing in front of her who wasn't there before, frowning at her, and he says, "How did you get here? Remus told me you can't Apparate in Hogwarts." At this point, Alice wishes to rant for several paragraphs about how handsome this particular someone is, but, really, I can't be stuffed.

Rather predictably, Alice passes out.

I don't reckon I would pass out in that situation. I've never passed out in my life, not in all my fifteen-and-a-half-and-a-bit years. But then again, I've never opened my eyes to see Sirius Black – a person I've never even believed to exist – standing in front of me. Nor have I ever opened my eyes to realise that I'm in Hogwarts – it doesn't exist either, I don't believe. So perhaps Alice has a right to pass out.

So, as Alice goes limp and floppy on Sirius's bed, Sirius looks down at her, wondering several things: one, where did she come from? Two, how did she get here? And three, how long has it been since she brushed her hair?

Now, so you don't get the wrong idea, I'll just tell you something: Alice really has quite nice hair. It's kind of light-brownish blonde and when she washes it and doesn't tie it back then it goes into pretty ringlets. But Alice doesn't like ringlets, I don't think, so she tends to tie it back and complains when I play with her ringlets.

Anyway, back to the story. Where was I again? That's right – Alice is lying on Sirius's bed, having fainted and Sirius is just wondering were she came from. So, Sirius thinks long and hard about his questions. She can't possibly have Apparated here, he thinks, coz that's not possible. I wonder who she is? Finally, he comes to a conclusion: I'll get Remus. Oh bugger, Remus is reading. When you try to talk to him when he's reading, he gets near to biting your head off. Evil, violent Moony. Not that he's violent normally, just when he's reading.

He's kind of like my friend Anna, who hits you over the head with maths textbooks when you try to interrupt her reading.

So, Sirius thinks about this long and hard; meanwhile, Alice opens her eyes – again. There is a short silence as Sirius realises she's awake, and stares at her a little longer, then finally opens his mouth. "Where did you come from?" he asks, frowning again.

Alice is speechless. She can't be at Hogwarts. But he mentioned Remus, and no-one is called Remus, except Remus Lupin. Actually, scrap that. Alice once knew a priest called Romulus, so it stands to reason that someone could be called Remus, too.

Someone asked Father Rom once if he had a brother called Remus. He just laughed. You never know, he could've had a brother called Remus. Maybe Remus had a problem and was in a mental home and Father Rom didn't like to talk about it. Then again, maybe not. Anyway, on with this.

So, Sirius and Alice stand there – well, Sirius stands, Alice lies there – for several long silent moments, until Alice can't take it any longer and bursts out, "Where the hell am I?!"

Sirius pushes his hair out of his face and shrugs. "You're at Hogwarts; where did you think?"

"How did I get here?" Alice asks. She is very calm at this point. The truth hasn't quite sunk in yet. If it were me, I'd probably be going hysterical already. Actually, probably not. I'm not really a hysterical person. I'd just like to react differently to her, because I'd like to pretend I'm not related at all.

"Well, how am I to know?" Sirius demands. "You just turned up, on my bed!"

"Oh…" Alice hesitates. For a perfectly ordinary day, this one is turning out very weird. "Okay then."

Sirius looks slightly puzzled, then wee bit more puzzled, and slowly his expression develops from one of mild puzzlement into one of severe puzzlement. "So will I get Moony?" he asks.

So, what did you think? Yes, this is a desperate plea for reviews. Like every other writer on I'm a review junkie. Go on, put me out of my misery. Please?