Disclaimer: I own neither Fullmetal Alchemist or the Homestar Runner cartoon on which the plotline of this fic is ripped off of, I mean based on.
Frank Archer was insane.
There was no going around it, he was off his rocker.
Perhaps that was why he carried the rubber chicken around under his arm, and named it Jesse. No one wanted to go near him, because he and 'Jesse' would lash out at them.
Perhaps that was also why he approached Scar the night before Lior was to be invaded.
Scar stared at the man in front of him. His military uniform was ragged, his hair uncombed, his eyes wide and bloodshot. He cradled the rubber chicken in his arms.
Scar opened his mouth to say something. Archer immediately cut him off.
"Ten-HUT! I, Col-o-nel Frank Archer of the Amestris army, am recruiting the most elite team of forces to assist me in my invasion of Lior! You have proven yourself worthy, Ishbalan Psychopath! Will you serve your country?"
Scar raised an eyebrow. "…No. First of all, Amestris isn't my country, so no. And second, I'm the one you're invading Lior to arrest, remember?"
"DRAFT DODGER, eh? We'll see if yew tree-huggers will be saved when Scar creeps around your back doorstep!"
As the idiot marched away, Scar placed his forehead in his hand at the sheer stupidity of it all.
Archer stood before his legion, reading his speech off of cheat cards.
"Are you sick and tired of the Scarred man killing our countrymen?"
After the crowd cheered, there was a faint whining noise, like a tape being rewound. Archer took no notice.
"Are you ready to fight alongside your Col-o-nel, give up your lives, and pay me five bucks if it comes to that?"
The noise whined again.
"Are we going to paint the buildings puce for no apparent reason?"
There was silence. Archer looked out at his legion, which consisted of Kimbley, a random soldier, a painting of a man with a gun, and Jesse the rubber chicken.
Kimbley looked down at the tape player he held. "Whoop, sorry, forgot to rewind." He pressed a button on the machine. It rewound again.
"Alright then maggots! Let's go invade us some serious Lior! Company… MARCH!"
Scar and Rose stood at the outskirts of Lior. Each held a badminton racket, and Rose held a birdie.
"I dunno, maybe there is a goodminton."
Archer's legion appeared at the edge of town. The random soldier continued marching, leaving the idiots behind.
"Scar. So you joined the other side eh?"
Scar glared. "What joining? I AM the other side, you numbskull."
Archer blinked. "Oh. Oh, I see. Um… RETREAT!! Fall back, men! We're in over our heads!"
Archer turned tail and ran. Kimblay grabbed his painting of a guy with a big gun, yelling, "Hold the line! Hold the liiiine!"
Scar yelled "And take your rubber chicken with you!" He through Jesse the chicken through the air.
Time seemed to slow down as he saw Jesse fly through the air. "NOOOOOOO!"
Jesse fell to the ground with a plop. Archer dashed over to him, and began to howl over his broken corpse. "Jesseee! Don't you die on me! (sob) We're been through so much together! Remember the duck pond? Pleease (sniff) some back to me! You never gave me the five bucks! (wahh)"
THE LOVING MEMORY OF
JESSE THE RUBBER CHICKEN
HIS SOUL REST WITH THE LORD,
WHILE HIS BODY RESTS IN OUR STOMACHS.
WE WILL NEVER FORGET
The end… Not!
Archer entered the home of Jemima the Rubber Chicken. He was dressed in black, his military hat over his heart. Miss Jemima Chicken sat in a chair, propped against a pillow.
"Miss Chicken… I hate to have to tell you this. My name is Col-o-nel Frank Archer. I'm sorry to tell you that Jesse gave his life at the battle of Lior hill."
Archer began to weep into his hat. "I served with Jesse in the Amestris army. (sniff) He was the best frigging soldier I ever met! And he never paid me my five dollars, so if you don't mind…"
The end, for real this time.