Disclaimer: Well obviously I don't own Pokemon, because if I did every character in the show would practically worship Gary.
Dedication: To Gabs, Kayla, and Lise. Um yeah. Hope you like it! 'Cept Gabs who read it already. Heh.
Summary: May gets scammed and goes to Sinnoh for about ten minutes. Every character in the story is an idiot except for Max. Ikarishipping is made fun of, and so is contestshipping to an extent. And uh. I wrote this a while ago. I can't even remember ijt anymore...so yeah. Hope you enjoy it!
May's Expedition Goes Sinnoh
"Hey May! Whatcha doing?" asked Max casually. It was right after their trip around Hoenn, right before May was going to embark on another journey--to Johto.
"I found an ice cream maker in the basement," came May's reply.
Max rolled his eyes. He was wondering what that contraption May was working on was. "Does it work?"
"It should, but I can't decide whether to have vanilla or chocolate. I wonder how they'd both taste together…" murmured May.
"Shouldn't you be getting ready for Johto? You are leaving tomorrow."
"Don't you see, Max? I am getting ready! I'm going to bring this with me!" exclaimed May. "It was always my dream to travel in style."
"Style…as in, with ice cream?" asked Max, stunned.
"Exactly! How many people have you seen traveling with an ice cream machine in tow?" asked May.
"The ice cream truck," said Max flatly. "It comes around every day at five o'clock."
"I meant Pokemon trainers. How many of those do you see?" asked May, trying to ignore the logic in Max's sentence.
"The ice cream truck," repeated Max. "The driver is one of the trainers at the gym. Duh."
"Humph!" May's nose shot up in the air, as a gesture of trying to look conceited and in denial at the same time. Whatever.
"Drew and Harley are going to laugh at you," said Max.
"Who cares what they think?" said May, sticking her tongue out at Max. She turned on the ice cream machine. "I decided on vanilla with chocolate bits. It'll blend for a while…"
"…Can I have some?" asked Max hopefully.
"Sure, Max. I'm glad you've finally come around and discovered the joys of ice cream," said May.
When the ice cream was done, the siblings scooped it into bowls and sat on the couch to watch TV. A commercial was on.
Do you have brown hair? Do you wear a bandana? Is that bandana red? Do YOU wear mostly red? Does your name start with the letter M and end with the letter Y? Does it have an A in the middle? Have you ever caught and/or had an affinity for the following Pokemon: Skitty, Beautifly, Munchlax, Combusken, and Eevee? Do you have a little brother named Max? Have you ever traveled around with a loser and his Pikachu?
Ash sneezed somewhere in Sinnoh. On with the commercial.
Do you compete in contests? And do you receive roses from a certain green haired individual who thinks he is better than you and actually is but you're in denial? If this description matches you, then maybe it's time you stopped living your boring average rather fashion deprived life. Call the following number today, and you will have the most fun you ever had in your life! You are going to go on an all expenses paid vacation to a choice resort in Sinnoh, get a makeover, and most importantly an ACTUAL life! Remember, call today, and this exclusive offer is yours. Ifyou'renotsatisfiedwewillsendyouacomplimentaryicecreamsundae.
May squealed. "That sounds exactly like me! Max, where's the phone? GIMME THE PHONE! Why're you taking so long? MAX HURRY UP! Max! Max! Where's the phone, darn it? MAX!"
"I gave you the phone already! Geez!" snapped Max.
"Oh. Yeah. Thanks," said May. She turned on the wireless phone and dialed the number. A picture of a very bored secretary appeared on the portable screen.
"Welcome to 'We Scam Idiots Incorporated.' How may I help you?" asked the very bored secretary. May's face appeared eagerly before her, on her screen, with smeared ice cream all over her face. This was rather repulsive to the poor bored secretary.
"I just saw your commercial! When can I go on this all expense paid vacation?" asked May excitedly.
"Just a moment. Let me put you on hold," said the secretary. The secretary, without bothering to press the hold button on the phone, then proceeded to turn on a radio blasting church music and then turned to a sinister looking man.
"When should we scam her?" asked the secretary.
The sinister looking man shrugged. "How about tomorrow?"
"Okay." The secretary turned back to May, and turned off the radio. "How about tomorrow?"
"I don't know, I'm supposed to be heading off to Johto tomorrow…" said May, biting her lip.
"Surely you weren't expecting your vacation to be only a day?" asked the secretary, trying not to sound bored.
"My family vacations only last an hour," pointed out May.
"You deprived child," said the secretary. "Tell you what. We'll get you back to your home by noon tomorrow, and then you can take a trip to Johto."
"Okay," said May.
"Now, the scam, uh, vacation will take place in Sinnoh. You have to bring all of your Pokemon with you so that we can steal, er, well, let's just say that they'll be having so much fun that they'll never want to see you again. Yes, let's go with that. But you can always marry that green haired kid and watch him compete enough for the both of you," said the secretary.
"Uh, are you talking about Drew?" asked May stupidly.
The bored secretary rolled her eyes. "Why don't you head outside of your house after ten minutes? Oh, and leave all of your windows and doors wide open so that we can steal the rest of the Pokemon--uh, so that we can…raid your kitchen?"
"GASP," said May. "That's terrible!"
"Did I say raid your kitchen?" The bored secretary failed at attempting to laugh. "I meant, we are merely going to admire the architecture."
"That's odd, but alright," said May.
"Then we will make the necessary arrangements. Someone will pick you up in ten minutes. Don't forget, doors and windows open. Nice talking to you." The bored secretary closed the connection.
"I have a bad feeling about this," said Max, who listened to the whole conversation and was thinking that his sister was an idiot, but didn't really care.
"Who cares about what you think," said May unkindly.
Twenty minutes later…
"And once you jump out of this plane and open the parachute, your hair will have a wild makeover. Not to mention, the clothes will be much different and cooler than your stupid red ones," explained someone from the 'We Scam Idiots Incorporated' company.
"Then what do I do?" asked May.
"Then you can wander around Sinnoh for a while. But leave your Pokemon here. You will never see them again." The person laughed evilly and then coughed, realizing that looking evil was probably not a good thing. He settled on giggling innocently.
"Okay. But how do I get back home?" asked May.
"We've already thought about that. You see, after a thorough investigation, we have found out that a coordinator named Drew has an obsessive crush about you. We know it's obsessive because he searches for you in every contest and seems to get this wonderful feeling when he defeats you in every way possible. We know it's a crush because he gives you roses that always has a love letter attached to them, but due to our secret intelligence, we learned that you're too stupid to read the letter, and you mostly end up throwing it out," explained the person. He paused to take a deep breath.
"You mean, Drew secretly loves me and shows it by insulting me and being better than me in nearly everything?" asked May.
"Pretty much. Insulting people is very romantic these days," said the person. "Anyway, we will tell this Drew character that you're stranded in the middle of Sinnoh, and give him the exact coordinates of where you are stranded because we are stalkers and know things like this. We expect that he will immediately begin searching for you with his Flygon. We will also pray that he doesn't find out that we put you there and try to kill us."
"Violence is bad," said May, hoping that Drew didn't "kill" them either.
"Yes, exactly! We are pacifists too," lied the person. "Are you ready to jump?"
"No," said May, looking down at the very, very far away ground.
"Excellent!" The person pushed May off.
May shrieked, and opened her parachute. She floated down safely.
She floated down safely, landing on a kid who looked like he might be older than her. Must've drank a lot of milk.
The kid looked mean. May paid no notice to this. She got off of him quickly and said, "Sorry. My all expense vacation dropped me here."
"Are you a Pokemon trainer?" asked the kid meanly.
"Yeah," said May.
"Let's have a Pokemon battle then," said the kid.
"I can't. I left my pokemon with the 'We Scam Idiots Incorporated' company. They told me that my Pokemon are having so much fun that I'll never see them again," explained May.
The kid raised an eyebrow. "They sound like thieves. What kind of idiot would let themselves get scammed like that!"
Then the kid just thought about his sentence, and thought about the company name, and uttered a small, "Oh."
"I don't…really see the problem," said May.
"Of course. Well I don't have time to deal with someone like you. I have to hurry and think of another plan to make my rival look stupid and weak," said the kid.
"Who's your rival? That sounds like a noble thing to do," said May.
The kid smiled. "That's a surprise. I haven't met anyone who agreed with my principles for a long time. Name's Paul."
"Nice to meet you! I'm May," said May warmly.
"My rival's name is Ash. He's a loser who travels around with a Pikachu," said Paul.
Somewhere in Sinnoh, Ash sneezed.
"Hmm…Now why does that sound so familiar…" said May to herself.
"I know that I'm just a cheap knockoff of an old rival of Ash's, but someone has to do the job, now that he's moved on to bigger and better things," said Paul. "I think I'm doing rather well, since I managed to make his Pikachu look pathetic when it's probably already thousands of levels higher than my Pokemon by now."
"Quite an accomplishment!" complimented May.
"Thanks. But there is one thing that worries me," said Paul.
"What's that?" asked May. She felt like she'd known Paul for years.
"There's this girl who travels with Ash. Though I haven't ever really talked to her, or made much eye contact with her, or even care about her much, I somehow feel a romantic bond with her. I don't want to look like such a jerk in front of her, but I have to when Ash is around, because it's part of my job description. Do you think I should do something to impress her?" asked Paul.
"Hmm…Well, if I were this girl, I would love to be insulted. That always seems to hit the mark," said May wisely. "And maybe you should give her a clichéd flower. Like a rose."
"Do you really think that will work?" asked Paul doubtfully.
"Not just yet. You have to clinch it all together by saying that the flower is for the girl's Pokemon, not her. And then, you have to lower her self esteem, and make her feel pathetic. Also, try aiming to beat her in a Pokemon battle or a contest or something. Then she'll fall hopelessly in love with you!" advised May.
"I think I'll give it a shot. You sound like you have experience," said Paul.
"I wish something romantic like that would happen to me, actually…" said May stupidly.
"I'm a little confused now. After talking to you, I feel like it would make more sense for me to be involved in a romantic relationship with you instead of Dawn. Wait here," said Paul. Paul found a random rose bush and plucked a red rose. Then he turned back to May. He took a deep breath.
"You're worse with Pokemon than Ash," he said. Then he handed her the rose. "This is for your Pokemon not you!"
"Oh!" May blushed, and had stars in her eyes. "I love you too, Paul!"
"May?" A voice sounded behind them. The sound of wings were heard, and Drew jumped smoothly off his Flygon. After returning it to its Pokeball, he looked at her incredulously. "Who is he?"
"I don't see the need to introduce myself to the likes of you," said Paul. "I mean, who has green hair?"
"That's Paul," said May.
"You are so beautiful when you contradict me," said Paul lovingly.
Drew turned purple. "My mother has green hair!"
"That explains a lot. Your mother must have had weak Pokemon like this Flygon here," said Paul.
"This was my mother's once!" Drew sounded close to hysterics. He made a fist. "Do you want a piece of me?"
"Hey Drew! You should settle it in a peaceful manner!" called out May.
"Peaceful? He insulted my MOTHER. Stay out of this, love--uh, May," said Drew.
"No, she's right. We have Pokemon for a reason," said Paul. He threw a Pokeball at Drew and it bounced off of his head.
"It's on now…" growled Drew. He threw a Pokeball at Paul's face.
"Ouch!" said Paul. He found a poke block and threw it at Drew.
"Ow!" said Drew. That wimp. He threw his Pokedex at Paul.
"My nose!" whimpered Paul. "You've done it now! No one messes with my nose! I paid for plastic surgery--oh wait. You weren't supposed to hear that." Paul tackled Drew and punched him.
"Gah!" said Drew intelligently.
"I just realized something. I'm having an emotional crisis!" exclaimed May woefully.
Paul and Drew paused in what they were doing.
"What's wrong, darling--um, May?" asked Drew.
"Yeah, what's up, pumpkin--uh…May?" asked Paul. The two glared daggers at each other.
"I love both of you! You two are equally good at degrading my self confidence!" sobbed May.
"I knew you longer! You only knew this guy for what, ten minutes? Only I can make you look stupid enough at a contest," said Drew. He flipped his hair as if that proved anything.
"So? I, uh, diss Ash! So THERE," said Paul.
"What an amateur," snorted Drew. "Been there, done that. Ash isn't even worth my time."
Somewhere in Sinnoh, Ash sneezed.
"W-well…My voice hasn't gone through major voice acting changes! At least it doesn't sound so stupid!" argued Paul.
"Oh…Paul just OWNED you," said May.
Drew frowned. "You got me there. But your voice sounded stupid to start with!"
"Yeah well--I get along with May better!" said Paul loudly. "She already loves me in the ten minutes we knew each other!"
"So? She was dazzled by me at first sight too," said Drew. "I remember she was so romantically inclined that she started arguing BACK."
"That would be a BAD thing," retorted Paul.
"I don't know what to do! Both of you are cheap knockoffs of Ash's original rival, only Drew is a sad attempt at making me more of the main character by giving me more screen time!" wailed May. "I don't know who to choose!"
"See, I'm unique!" exclaimed Drew.
Paul coughed. "If you're also a knockoff, you're not really that unique."
"I'm unique. I'll even show you," said Drew. He punched Paul in the face. "Ever had a knuckle sandwich like that?"
"Pure uniqueness…" muttered Paul from the floor.
"This arguing makes this love triangle even more prominent," said May dreamily.
"This is bad. May is starting to use bigger words," said Drew. "If we keep arguing, she might actually stop being an idiot!"
"We have to do something! I can't fall in love with someone smart…" muttered Paul when he pulled himself off the floor.
"You're so shallow," remarked Drew.
"Yeah well. May showed me the light," said Paul.
"I am intrigued by this turn of events. At first I came to this region for a pleasant vacation from ignoring Drew's various advances, but now I've encountered a new love that I shall ignore in due time…" said May thoughtfully.
"Who are you and what did you do to May?" asked Drew.
"Alright, Drew. I guess I'll give up my short lived romance for May. I'll love her from afar. And maybe I should focus on that strange random love I seem to have for Dawn. It makes no sense as I don't even talk to her, but heck, why not? You go take May on your ultra cool Flygon. I'll continue my worthless job of treating Ash like dirt," said Paul. He held out his hand for Drew to shake.
Drew flipped his hair. "Not on your life, kid." He grabbed May's hand, insulted her hair, and then she lovingly sat behind him on his Flygon.
"I HATE YOU DREW!" came Paul's voice over the wind.
Drew and May soon landed in front of the Petalburg Gym. It looked pink and frilly. They entered it, and there were a lot of mirrors. Norman and Caroline stood there, with smiles plastered on their faces.
"Petalburg NAIL SALON?" yelled out May, shocked.
"Yes. After all of our Pokemon were stolen, we finally had an excuse to pursue our lifelong dream," said Norman.
May shook. She was always scared of manicures and pedicures. "S-so where's Max?"
"He still has his manicure and pedicure phobia. Are you okay, dear? You look like you're going to faint," said Caroline.
"She has that phobia too, remember honey? After we tried to give them both manicures and scarred them for life?" Norman reminded her.
"Oh yeah. Well, this change will probably not be good for the children, but as long as we're happy," said Caroline with a shrug. "Max is crying in the backyard."
"Crying? What kind of mean parents are you!" accused May, as she ran to the backyard.
"I always wanted a pedicure…" said Drew thoughtfully.
"Give us a hundred bucks and you have a deal," said Norman.
"Sniff…" said Max in an unsuccessful attempt to cry.
"Max! Are you okay?" asked May. "I won't let you stay here in this horrible place. Why don't you come with me, and we can pretend that we're running from home when we're actually just going on a journey to Johto stalking Drew since I don't have Pokemon for contests anymore?"
Max gave her a grateful and fake smile. "Okay! You're so nice, May!"
And so, after a lovely pedicure for Drew, the three set out for Johto and lived happily forever. Maybe.
"Dawn, that is the ugliest dress I ever saw," said Paul.
"It is? That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me! I suddenly have an unexplainable crush on you!" said Dawn with a blush.
Brock frowned. "So that's how it works…"
The next time Brock saw a Nurse Joy, he called her ugly. He ended up with a bright red stinging cheek.