It has been a year since I first posted the beginning of Anata Nara Anshin and now we are on chapter 10. Thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited, follows, and sends emails about this story. You are the inspiration to keep it going!
Finally, I have another chapter of ANA out. Yet again I thank everyone for continued support for this story. I seem to have reached a bridge but I'm running out of bricks to keep building it. It doesn't mean I want to stop writing the story because I will see it through to its end. But I'm pretty busy at the moment and while I do think about writing this story a lot, I don't always have time to carefully piece it together. Thankfully there is always recent tidbits about Gackt and Hyde meeting up at concerts that help me keep the faith to keep writing, but it can be difficult to reach back to that magical time of Moon Child and feel what was happening in their lives to make it into this story. I am trying so I hope you still have interest and like where it is going.
Thank you again for still reading along! Please always let me know what you like, don't like, want to see more of, your thoughts of how things might have happened, etc. I really appreciate any and all feedback and do take things into consideration. Enjoy-
I don't remember ever feeling so tired before. Not even after long nights of drunken stupor with band mates, or that one time Ken and I tried to stay awake for 3 days straight…
The fact is, I don't think I slept the entire night. I'm sure it was because I had a short rest earlier in the day when I was dealing with my heat exhaustion, and also because I couldn't stop thinking about the way Gackt got me off in his bed, and then even later as I spent my entire night wide-eyed and terrified that Gackt was going to try something to my ass as he lay closely behind me until my alarm sounded and he quietly disappeared. As much as I wanted to remain there and try to get some sleep, I suddenly recalled my pants which I had absently left sitting in the sink all night. I slowly sat up from the bed, eying the disheveled sheets of the empty space on the mattress beside me, and prodding toward the bathroom. My pants looked clean, for the most part, but they were completely soaked and there was no way I could wear them today. Embarrassingly, I called into set and requested the costume designer get me a new pair right away because the ones I wore yesterday 'got a tear in them'… Hmm, valid enough excuse? Instead, I went to the shoot in a pair of my leathers and changed into the new pair of costume pants while on set.
Now I was letting the steam from my coffee mug cleanse the pores in my face as I sat scrunched in the collapsible chair just off-set, awaiting my make-up artist to finish mixing the fake blood for our next scene. Too bad she couldn't just take the real thing from my blood-shot eyes.
In my state of non-sleep, my mind was racing a mile a minute. The course of the whole previous day was like one strange existence almost not mine. First the filming, which can be an outer-world experience of itself, then trying not to share too much information about all my personal issues from home when Taro got in my business, of course the heat stroke and waking up in Gackt's bed, only to later have Gackt touch me somewhere I'd have never imagined—well, ok maybe I did imagine it a few times—and even later, having him attempt to violate yet another part of my body.
Of course I had willingly let him touch - and feel, and rub, and stroke - and it was all of my own selfish doing but it felt so damn good having his hands on me like that and there. And had I not felt so strangely exposed in the moments after leaving his room, I probably would have also felt quite guilty. All this time – from the first moments I met Gackt, in fact – it had been Gackt taking care of me; offering up his home, his bed; taking responsibility for things that had happened to me, and relieving myevery need, now quite literally. There was something wrong about all the taking and lack of giving from my end.
I sort of thought to myself that all of the 'services' I was getting from Gackt was my payback for having to act in this movie of his. None of us knew where it was really going to go, though I somewhat believed that our star power alone would rocket it to popularity. And it wasn't as though I had anything else big planned for the late summer months that this time was keeping me from accomplishing. Besides, Taiwan was beautiful and proving to be damn amazing as well.
It was also enjoyable to have a valid excuse for being away from Megumi for so long. I sat in my chair, my mind drifting to her and the fight we had just a few days back. She could threaten to leave me all she wanted but I knew she was never serious – my heightened celebrity status continued to bring her good fortune. But this time she had some new vocabulary to throw at me, and I don't mean in terms of expletives. Apparently Megumi hired a new agent in the short time I've been gone and this new guy thinks she could do just fine without me by now.
I'm not sure why I let that bother me so much, but for all the bitching I've done about this somewhat arranged relationship, the thought of having Megumi out of my life was quite depressing. Having her around had become a comfortable normalcy, despite all the times we fought and the many, many things we disagreed on. Marriage contract or not, there was an initial attraction and though it was years ago (and partially spawned by the all-too-recent bad band shake-up due to Sakura's drug problems), now more than ever I was aware that it still existed, just hiding deep within me.
I was lost in my thoughts when I noticed there was a camera filming me and slowly turned to it to see Miya waving from behind the lens and giving me a thumbs up. I was not in the mood for this. My call sheet also had something written on it about today's scenes that Zeze-san was going to talk to Gackt and I about later. God only knew what that was about. Thankfully my make-up artist was calling me over.
I stood drearily in front of her, standing as still as I could and looking around the set until I noticed she was staring strangely at me.
"What?" I asked.
"You don't look too good this morning, Hyde-san. I heard you suffered heat exhaustion last night, are you ok?" Araki asked, dabbing her wand into a creamy peach mixture for my face.
"I'm sorry, Araki-san. It's not that, I… just didn't really sleep last night," I tilted my head up as she started to apply the makeup along my chin.
"That's ok, Hyde-san. After all, it's my job to make you look good and your already-good looks don't usually give me much to work with as far as that goes," She finished, grabbing a brush from her little kit. I leered playfully at her for the compliment and she giggled a little before dabbing my jaw line. Then she picked up the blood-mixture.
"Well I'm confident putting my face into your hands then. Only you…" I started, singing out the last few words. Araki giggled again. "On-n-ly you-u-u…" I continued to croon and then she laughed again, telling me to stay still so she didn't get the blood everywhere.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Gackt approaching me. He stood for a moment next to my make-up artist and I, almost glaring at her until she stepped away and he was able to move in and give me a hug. I tried to turn my face away so he wouldn't end up with the fake blood all over him or his white jacket. As we pulled back I noted the camera was filming it all and tried to ignore the warmth coming to my cheeks.
When I was done, my stylist handed me a nice red jacket, which was about to become a staple in Kei's wardrobe for just about every scene from now until the end. I looked at it with a bit of disdain, as it wasn't really my style at all, but slid it on anyway and made my way onto the set as things began to get noisy around us while the crew started to set up for the upcoming shots.
"Did you get the message from Zeze-san about the gun play?" Gackt asked as I moved near him.
"Is that what this is about? I mean, I know our characters are gun-slingers but are we going to shoot actual guns?" I questioned, actually quite anxious to test such a thing out.
Gackt nodded at me and looked off set for a bit. "On set it will be fake, but I wanted you to learn how to do the real thing so that it will look believable on screen. So I had them set up a shooting gallery just off-set and we're going to test it out after we get this first shot in," Gackt stopped and turned to face me. "Are you excited, Hyde?"
I nodded back at him. I'd never actually shot off a real gun before but the idea of learning how to was exciting. Gackt seemed excited too, though I knew this was nothing new to him. After all, this is the guy who has a shooting gallery in the basement of his house, I recalled.
We did a few takes of the scene until Zeze was satisfied with the tape and then he dismissed us while they prepared the extras and hydraulics for the upcoming warehouse gun battle, the first scene of the movie that features Gackt. Gackt and I walked to another area in the warehouse and toward a staff member directing us to where the shooting gallery had been set up. As we got inside the new location, they handed us protective goggles and showed us the guns we were about to use. Gackt picked a gun up immediately, tossing it between his hands and then flipping it ala mafia style, much to my surprise. He pointed out which one was mine and I took it gently, following him into the shooting arena.
"Have you ever shot a gun before, Hyde?" He asked, extending an arm toward the area I was supposed to stand.
"I always thought it would be cool but no, I haven't. I've never had any need to, I suppose…" I responded as Gackt put his goggles on and attached a large paper with a silhouetted target onto a clip that then was dragged many meters away from us. When it reached a wall in the back, he told me to pull my goggles down over my eyes and I complied as he lined up his shot and fired off the rounds. I stood there slack-jawed when the gun emptied and the paper began to move back toward us as Gackt studied the holes in the area of the silhouettes heart.
"Ok Hyde, hold your gun steady in your hands," Gackt started, placing a fresh new paper on the clip before it pulled away from us. He then disappeared behind me. "Spread your legs a bit, bending at the knees…" I obeyed what he said and felt him move in close, brushing his hips against my backside as he lined his body up behind mine. Had it been anyone else behind me I probably would have felt violated at how closely we were standing, but as Gackt's fingers slid around my waist, it didn't feel uncomfortable at all; in fact, it felt kind of good. "Now raise your gun, aiming it at the target, and move your finger onto the trigger,"
I moved the gun upward and Gackt's right hand left my waist and traveled up my body to move on top of my hand, slowly pushing my fingers to wrap around the base and my pointer to wrap around the trigger. Gackt pulled his entire body in closer to me as he was positioning my hands and I could feel him moving himself along my ass.
"It feels good, doesn't it, Hyde," he whispered in my ear. I tried to concentrate on the target ahead of me but Gackt was proving to be quite a distraction standing with me so intimately. "Now… squeeze…"
I pulled on the trigger and the gun let out a loud bang, the mechanic in my hand jolting slightly as the bullet was released and the shot fired into the arm of the silhouetted figure. I started to breath out quickly, the adrenaline of what just happened startling me as Gackt pulled away from behind and complimented my first shot. I turned to look back at him and he smiled at me, telling me to try it again. I lined up the gun and gave another pull on the trigger but this time the shot didn't even hit a space on the paper.
"I messed up," I shouted, my ears slightly ringing from the firing sound still resonating.
"You're not standing correctly," Gackt reprimanded and from behind I felt his hands move onto my hip, careful long fingers sliding forward and digging on the bones there. "Spread. Bend." I moved my stance a bit as he commanded and raised the gun again, still very much aware of Gackt's fingers wrapped around my waist. When I pulled the gun this time, it landed square in the center of the target. When Gackt let go of me and stepped aside, I tried it to fire the gun on my own and once more it missed the paper.
I sighed in frustration, almost about to whine. "I can't seem to do it without you," I dejectedly admitted, pushing the goggles up off my face where they sat roughly on my head, disheveling my hair. Gackt just smiled crookedly at me.
"Well Hyde you're going to have to learn. Sho can't be penetrating Kei from behind every time he needs to fire a shot at some baddie," Gackt chuckled.
I blushed at his comment. Penetrating? It sounded so… rough.
"Give it one more go," Gackt said and smiled at me. I tried to ignore everything and concentrate completely on the target. One, bend; two, aim; three... imagine Gackt's hands on my hips... BANG.
Dead center in the figure. I smiled at my accomplishment.
"See, I knew you could do it, Hyde," Gackt complimented and slung his arm around my neck. I hurriedly lowered the gun but Gackt swiped it out of my hands.
"We should probably get back to set then," I said, taking my goggles off of my head completely. Gackt raised my gun and fired one last shot into my holey target as it went straight into the silhouettes head.
As Hyde and I walked back to set, I couldn't stop staring at his backside. The shooting gallery was a perfect opportunity to get up-close-and-personal to Hyde's enjoyable little ass again but now I found that it was something I couldn't stop thinking about.
As I twirled the stage guns in my hands, preparing for the upcoming scene, Hyde was having the wire appendage attached to his body and I was reminded that I, too, was going to have a wire-work related scene coming up later this afternoon.
We went outside for a brief smoke-break then and looked over the script together as I explained the way I wanted one of the scenes to pan out. Hyde kept looking at me with big smiles but I couldn't read what they meant. All I could tell when I looked at him was that his eyes looked really tired. We were photographed and filmed endlessly today, Miya following us around with both cameras and taking more shots than I had anticipated.
Hyde and I had all of our scenes in this warehouse today – some gun slinging, some wire work for each of us, and very few dialogue. It wasn't a huge set of scenes, but many of the shots had to be taken multiple times to make sure the guns "fired" correctly and the audio was clear, and that the angles were right…
We finished somewhere late in the afternoon and since neither of us took lunch, due to more training needed on our parts, we decided to head right out for some dinner. Hyde was relatively quiet most of the night and I was somewhat as well; my mind floating around between the movie, upcoming scenes, a slight ache forming in my back, and Hyde. Always I was thinking about Hyde.
After a short and mostly silent dinner, we hailed a cab back to the hotel and hopped into an elevator together. The slight ache in my back had increased somewhat and I figured it was from all the air-cartwheels I had been doing while attached to the wires for one of my stunts. It took more shots than I had anticipated but as somewhat of a perfectionist, I wanted it to look as realistic as possible. When I was satisfied with the scene, we moved on but it wasn't without a minor soreness in the lower part of my back that continued to grow throughout the day. I stretched slightly, twisting my body around as we rode the elevator to the top floors of our hotel.
"What's wrong?" Hyde asked suddenly, causing me to stop worrying about myself and put all my attention back on him.
"Oh it's nothing much. My back is a little sore," I twisted again and Hyde nodded, his eyes going down to watch my hands as they rubbed a small spot of my lower back. "Drinks?" I asked, changing the topic.
"Sure," Hyde replied.
"My room or yours?" The elevator was nearing Hyde's floor.
"Doesn't really matter. Though we already spent a good deal of time in mine…" Hyde commented, likely in referral to last night, just as the cart reached the top floor and the doors rang open. Hyde stepped out ahead of me and I grinned to myself as I followed him, again enjoying the view. When we entered my room I asked him what he wanted and he said it didn't matter so I took hold of the nearest cold bottles and brought them out to the living space where Hyde had already sat himself down comfortably on the couch.
"You look awful tired, Hyde. As a matter of fact, you've looked like that all day," I commented as I sat in the chair adjacent to the couch and opened the drink.
"Yeah…" was his quiet reply as he took a sip and stared blankly into the distance. I was losing his attention so I tried to turn his focus back on me as I sat up straight and twisted my back again. Hyde looked over at me. "Are you sure you're okay?"
"Mm, I'll be fine," I said, wincing as I did so in an attempt to appear 'unconvincing'. It must have worked because Hyde sat his drink down and stood up.
"Ok, it's your turn then," he started, making a shaky gesture. I turned my head quizzically at him. "Come on, I owe you a back rub, remember?"
I grinned to myself – so he did remember. Things were panning out perfectly so far. I stood up and removed my shirt, causing Hyde's tired eyes to light up momentarily as he openly stared at my chest and stomach muscles.
"Where do you want me?" I asked, tossing my shirt on the chair behind me and trying to keep my sinful thoughts hidden. Hyde scratched his head in an almost nervous manner. "I personally think the floor is best so let's move this table again," I suggested and we both got to work on removing the furniture.
After it was done I joyfully laid down on my stomach, propping my head on my crossed arms and awaiting Hyde's next action.
"I have to admit, I'm really not sure what to do here, Gacchan," Hyde said with a nervous laugh in his voice as he sat down next to me.
"I know you've never done this before but it's not difficult, Hyde," I started and tilted my head to look at him. "Just put your hands on me and rub and I guarantee you it will feel good."
The innuendos weren't being missed by Hyde who gave me a playful mock-glare before shifting closer to me and placing his warm hands on my back. As Hyde moved his hands around, his lack of skill in the art of massage quite noticeable, we fell into an easy conversation of the shots we filmed during the day. Soon we were into discussion about Sho and Kei and some of the meanings behind the upcoming scenes. The room had darkened over time as the sun finally reached the end of its day and began to set behind the walls of the hotel. Hyde's voice quieted in tone the more we spoke and the more his hands worked around my back. I noticed that the setting suddenly felt very intimate.
I turned my head so that I could see Hyde; his determined, yet soft expression as he moved his hands around, unaware that I was watching him, was quite intriguing to me. Soon he caught on that I was staring.
"What?" Hyde suddenly blurted out. "Am I doing something wrong?"
"No, no," I replied with a smile. "Everything you're doing feels great," I stated, my voice a bit lower and much quieter then the last time. Hyde turned his attention on my back again, a small smile filling his face at my praise. As I lay there, watching his smile and feeling his hands caressing my back with a gentle pressure, I couldn't help my thoughts from running to the idea of having his hands somewhere else on my body.
In the quietness of this moment I suddenly wanted more of Hyde – more of him on me, more of myself on him, just more. I tried to relax my brain and calm my thoughts as Hyde continued to rub my back but my desires were fighting for control and I found myself hastily sitting upright, shocking Hyde at my abrupt movement.
"Gacchan? I'm sorry, did I--"
I grabbed hold of Hyde's shoulders quickly and pressed my lips onto his. Hyde made an overwhelmed sound as our mouths met and I moved my hands quickly around his back, pulling him as close to me as I could while we were sitting on the floor. I felt Hyde's hands pushing at my shoulders, almost as though he was going to push me away but never quite got that far. Instead, nimble fingers curved and started to dig into my skin as his tongue graced my lips and I bid it entry to my mouth. Well that was his doing, not mine, I delightfully thought to myself as Hyde continued to deepen our kiss. Just as it was getting pleasurable, he pulled back sharply.
"Why?" I questioned him, slightly out of breath. Hyde's eyes were at the widest I'd seen them all day and he moved a hand to his mouth.
"It's wrong, Gacchan, it's just… wrong…" was his reply as he sat with me on the floor, our legs nearly intertwined from the last few moments.
"What makes it wrong?" I pursued, palming a hand over his knee and slowly sliding it upward. Hyde's eyes darted to my hand which was quickly nearing his crotch. "Does this feel wrong to you, Hyde?" I asked, cupping my fingers around the slight protrusion in his pants.
Hyde let out a strained, breathy sound and his eyes fluttered as I touched him. I reached my fingers to the waistband of his leathers and gave a small tug on them. Hyde's hand joined mine, but only for a moment as he pulled my hand away from his body.
"Why are you always pulling away from me, Hyde?" I demanded as nicely as possible.
"I'm not always pulling away, Gackt; only when you do stuff like that. Look I enjoy being with you as a friend but we can't keep doing this!" Hyde huffed and stood up, picking up his drink from the table and taking a long gulp.
"I don't see why not," I responded in honesty, standing up and following Hyde who had moved to the small kitchen area of my hotel room. He put his half-emptied bottle into the sink and I chased him, trapping him in the corner of the tiny room when he turned around and found himself surprised to see me right there. "You can't say you don't enjoy this part of our friendship as well," I finished, leaning forward to catch Hyde's lips on mine. It was easy to break down his defenses whenever our mouths met. I always found pleasure in kissing Hyde and I believed that feeling was mutual.
As we kissed, my hand snuck its way to the string of his leather pants and I tugged roughly on it, causing the waistband to loosen open. Hyde made a noise within my mouth as I slid my hand inside of his pants, and I was surprised to find he wasn't wearing anything under them. I moaned quietly as my hand began to explore downward, past his coarse hairs and onto the soft flesh.
"And I know you enjoyed this," I mumbled against his mouth as I wrapped my fingers around his lengthening member. Hyde groaned deep in his throat and the sound only served to increase my desire for what was taking place. I pulled back momentarily to see the look on Hyde's face as my hand made the first stroke. His small lips were turned into a pout, as most often saw him posing, and it always made me wonder how he could give such full, deep kisses with them…
Sometimes I wondered how my life always managed to tumble so quickly. And right now I was wondering why this time it was taking Gackt with me.
Sure I was tired beyond anything but I agreed to meet with Gackt for drinks after dinner. It was harmless of course, as long as I stuck to one drink and got out of there when I was done. But his back was sore from the wire training (and after watching him attempt that air-sprung cartwheel 50 times over on set, I can fully imagine why), and I had agreed to give him a backrub back when he gave me mine and was simply returning the favor when Gackt decided that he wanted more from me than just that.
Let me interrupt to say there is something wonderful about the way Gackt kisses. I can't quite explain it but it has an effect on me that is like no other thing I've felt. Perhaps it is due to his plump lips; I don't know another Japanese with such gorgeous lips. Of course it's not just the way they look; it's the way they feel as well. And they feel the way they look, if that makes any sort of sense. Well I said I couldn't accurately explain it and it's not like it even matters when those wonderful lips are on mine because I forget everything else around me; I forget that I'm in another country so different from my own, forget that I'm a celebrity who could be hugely blackmailed if anyone would ever find out what was taking place, and I especially forget about back home where I have a wife who has no clue what I'm getting into right now…
Suddenly in my head raced thoughts of Megumi – why now, of all times? – and how earlier I was fretting over what would happen if she would ever leave me but now here I was, being an unfaithful cad. So I told Gackt that 'it's wrong' what we're doing and that 'we can't' but he always had something to retort with:
"Stop saying that you 'can't' Hyde. It's not a matter of can or can't because we both know that you can do to me whatever you want and I can and will very much enjoy it, as will you…"
And then Gackt's touching me; on my face, or a hand in my hair, moving quickly to my waist and soon he puts a hand there… and I find it's all too much to handle standing up against the hard surfaces of the small kitchen corner in this sinful hotel suite so we move out of the spot and hurriedly into the bedroom space…
I was tired before but the adrenaline rush to my brain woke me. The heat pooling into my groin was probably another factor…
Gackt started kissing me again the second we entered the dark bedroom and we shuffled together (our leather pants don't mingle smoothly against one another and it sure is noisy)until the back of my legs reached the mattress and I willingly tumbled back. Gackt followed me down quickly and reached again for my opened leather pants (ala the easy-access string-laced waist… knew I brought these with me for a reason). But I had to stop him because he's too eager and I wasn't sure I was actually ready for this.
"Wait, Gacchan, wait…" I broke the kiss and breathily started to say. Gackt moved his mouth to my neck and I could feel him starting to nibble there so I had to grip his shoulders and practically pry him away from my body. It felt a little cooler around me suddenly.
"I have been waiting, Hyde. I can't wait any longer," Gackt's voice was as impatient sounding as his words portrayed.
"It's not a matter of can or can't," I said, spitting his earlier words back at him. He blinked and a light of sobriety crossed his face when he realized what I said.
"But I thought you wanted--"
"I don't know what I want, Gacchan! I'm… confused," I replied. It sounded stupid, childish; I hated it. Because I think I really do know what I want; I'm just too scared to admit it.
"Let me help you then," Gackt said in his smooth voice as he kissed tenderly along my jaw line and then I felt a hand on my stomach that started to move south…
"No, stop, you--" He shouldn't go there again but he already has. And it felt too good to tell him to stop now. I tossed my head back as he rubbed his hand along my erection and it wasn't until I felt Gackt shift his body weight above me that I realized just how hard he was himself.
This was the start of the third time now that Gackt is about to give me a hand job (…not that I'm actually keeping count or anything…) and it occurred to me yet again that in all the time I've known him I have not yet returned the favor. Nor have I even seen it yet.
But then, would I even know what to do? Granted I suppose that if anything, a man should know exactly what to do to another man because the parts are the same. The fumbling interactions of being atop a woman's body are no longer there because now I'm on the bottom, lying on the bed, and there's another man on top of me. I already know Gackt knows exactly what he's doing, if the amazing sensations i'm experiencing are any indication, but if I want to try and switch it up, how would I even know what to do next? Just because I had relations with Sakura years ago doesn't mean I actually did anything as far as this.
Though no one knows the true details of our former relationship (well Sakura does, naturally). People can think what they want; lord only knows what Gackt imagines I've done, but truth be told, I was younger and more innocent then. And yet I never stop wondering that maybe if we had done more this wouldn't be so awkward to me right now. But in the same respect, I probably wouldn't be with Megumi then either.
Oh god, Megumi. Somehow it never fails that she pops into my mind at the most inopportune moments. I could see her now, her eyes wide and her mouth raging expletives at all the things I've done… and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of her invading my thoughts in such moments.
So I reached around Gackt's head, filling my fist with his braids and tugging to get him to look at my face again. When he finally did I shook my head 'no'. I could see he didn't understand why I'd turn such wonderful attention away but it was only a moment he looked confused because it only took that moment for me to undo the hook of his own leather pants and then he realized what I was heading toward.
Gackt lifted his body up, allowing me to move into a sitting position on the bed and then he copied my pose. Our breathing was irregular as we sat facing each other on the bed in the dark room.
"I haven't…" I cautiously began. No, let's not start that way… "It's been a while since…" Lies… I undid the rest of Gackt's pants and the flaps fell open. "I might not be that--"
But Gackt's lips were on mine, stopping me from uttering useless phrases that he obviously didn't care about. His mouth was on my mouth. His hand was on my hand. His other hand was moving into my pants again and on my—
I gasped into Gackt's mouth as he firmly took hold of my erect member so my own hands fumbled quickly back to Gackt's pants. I couldn't see what I was doing though and I wanted to see. I think I needed to see. But I found that now more than ever, I really just wanted to see it.
Reluctantly I pulled back from our torrid kiss and slightly pushed Gackt's face away from mine. He opened his eyes slowly and I could see a slight confusion hiding behind those faux baby blues I had grown to adore so much.
"Can you stop touching me for two seconds?" I whispered, a light tone to my voice. Gackt grinned at me.
"I can Hyde, but I don't want to," he whispered back, leaning in to place kisses along the side of my face since I had turned away from his mouth.
"Please?" I near-begged, leaning back just enough that Gackt's mouth could no longer reach my face. "I want to…"
Leaving the sentence hanging open captured Gackt's curiosity and he pulled back a little, resting his hands on either side of my legs.
"What do you want, Hyde?" Gackt's voice was tender, quiet, and yet seductive. "Tell me…" I ran my tongue across my teeth and boldly reached forward, grabbing the opened flaps of Gackt's pants.
"I want to--"
But before anything could happen, a shrill beeping tone sounded, startling me while Gackt remained somehow almost perfectly still. He deftly reached into the back pocket of his pants and pulled out his thin cellphone, eyeing the contact name for a moment before flipping open the phone to answer it.
"Moshi moshi?" Gackt calmly asked into his phone and I nearly swallowed my tongue. The hell? I couldn't understand how in the middle of something like this he would pause to answer his phone. I'm sitting here exposed and my hands are just about inside his pants and he's casually having a conversation on his phone!
My libido rapidly began to fall then as I was incredibly turned-off by how easily Gackt seemed to ignore what I thought had been turning into quite an intimate session between us. I let go of Gackt's pants and sat back, angrily pulling myself back into my pants and about to curse at the fact I had to figure out how to re-lace the damn things when I felt Gackt's hand close tightly around my wrist. I looked up at him and he was giving me that all-too-familiar smirk.
"Hyde? Yes, he's quite good," Gackt spoke into the phone while continuing to stare at me. I was oddly interested in why he started to speak louder and openly talk about me as we sat across from each other with our pants undone. "I really love working with him," Gackt continued his phone conversation as he reached his hand past mine and began to rub me from outside confines of my pants. I couldn't help the moan of surprise that escaped my mouth. "Oh yes, if you could only see him the way I have,"
And suddenly the whole act was feeling rather dirty. I had no idea who Gackt was speaking to but he didn't seem to care that they might possibly be hearing me loudly breathing or moaning in the background. Gackt stared deep into my eyes as his hand continued to rub me and he conversed on the phone. Gradually, I became turned-on by this somewhat exhibitionary act.
And it was in that short moment I found myself instantly on Gackt, lapping at his collar bone as my hands reached down to his pants once more. Gackt still had the phone up to his ear and appeared to be listening more than speaking now, other than a few short 'Ah' and 'Yes' responses, which I wasn't sure were in reply to the person on the line or the things I was currently doing with my tongue. But he began to recline backward then, shifting so he could rest his upper back along the pillows sitting up against the headboard. I moved with him, continuing to lick and nip along his bare chest. Whenever I'd look up at him, he appeared to be trying hard not to let out any tell-tale sounds, lest his phone companion decipher what was happening.
My hands went back to Gackt's pants and I grinned to myself with a sick knowledge: So this is it; I am going to see what those Takano Yuri ads denied the world of. I am going to find out why some people call it a 'Magnum'. I am going to—
There was a somewhat arousing vibrating sensation from my backside which just happened to be my own cell phone buzzing. I tried to ignore it but it went off again and was too startling to let it just sit in the back pocket of my pants. As Gackt reclined on the bed, his half-lidded eyes still intently watching me, I sat up straight to retrieve my phone and see that I had received a picture message… Well it can't be more important than the monumental event about to occur, but out of unavoidable curiosity I flipped open my phone to find a picture message from Ken of him, Ein and Sakura holding disturbingly large inflatable dildos at their crotches with the words, "I bet you won't want to miss the S.O.A.P. show now!"…Oh god.
And unfortunately that image threw into shock what was possibly about to occur between myself and the tall gorgeous man lying on the bed beneath me. In that instant I panicked and found myself quickly trying to lace my pants back up and soon Gackt's hand was on top of my wrist to stop me yet again.
"I have to go now, but I will call you back when I have more time," Gackt said and clicked his phone shut. "Hyde--"
"No. Please don't even coo my name, Gacchan," I started, pushing his hands out of my way and wrapping the damned lace strings into a ball, shoving them into my pants before plodding off of the bed.
"Hyde, wait," Gackt was following me, and I could hear the flaps of his leather pants slapping against the fabric as he speedily walked behind me. I gathered my shoes and headed for the door. "Hyde I don't understand you!" Gackt shouted.
I stopped just as my hand was on the handle and turned around to face him.
"I don't understand, Hyde. You're always doing this – we get close and then you pull away. What is that all about? Tell me what it is that's bothering you, please," Gackt was nearly pleading for me not to leave but the last thing I wanted right now was to stay here and let myself easily fall right back into the compromising situation. "Hyde--"
"I'm sorry I have to go Gacchan. But I just can't do this," I pulled the door open and rushed out but I could hear that Gackt was following me, open fly and all.
"It's not a matter of can or--"
"Oh stop it!" I yelled, turning around to face him. "Stop with the bullshit, Gackt! Look I can't do this, ok? I don't know what you were expecting out of me and this movie and Taiwan, but whatever the hell is going on between us is really starting to fuck with my head and I don't think I can handle it anymore!"
Gackt was silent for a while. I should have turned around and kept walking down that hallway, get on that elevator and go back to my room, alone, but I couldn't stop looking at his face and the expression he was wearing – I couldn't place it and it was killing me to know what he was thinking right now. Minutes passed as we stood in the empty hallway with hair disheveled and pants partially undone, just staring at each other. Had it not been so late at night or such a deserted floor I might have worried about someone finding us and wondering what was going on.
"Come back inside," Gackt quietly said. I looked at him almost incredulously. But he hung his head slightly and mouthed 'onegai' and it wasn't a beg or a plead out of the drooling mouth of some horny guy; it was an honest request from my friend.
And since I'm ridiculously weak against those sparkling fake blue contacts, I sighed and followed him right back into his hotel room.
(AN: onegai : please)
Shall I commend myself or just consider it good fortune that I was able to get Hyde back into my hotel room so easily?
I wasn't sure if I was at fault for the phone call or what the real story was here but it was starting to become a burden the way Hyde seemed to be continuously running away from the situation at hand. And quite literally at hand most times too, as was the case again tonight.
Hyde sighed loudly and plopped himself on the small couch. I stood beside it, re-buttoning my pants and trying to gauge just how to start off a conversation. I wanted to talk about what was happening, what almost just happened, and yet I didn't want to say anything to make him feel any more awkward or uncomfortable or to give him the idea of fleeing again.
Instead, I sat down next to him, far enough apart that anyone could easily seat themselves between us. I didn't look at Hyde; I didn't mutter a word. But out of the corner of my eye I saw him turn his head to look at me.
"Well?" Hyde started.
I offered a sigh in response.
Hyde pursued. "You told me to come back and I came back. So now what?"
"I wish I knew," I said with a small smile, finally turning my head to look at Hyde. I shifted my body and made myself comfortable. "As much as you don't seem to want to, I'd really love to talk about what's going on here,"
Hyde's eyes were quick to avert mine then as he seemed to suddenly find something on the ground far more interesting than the topic I had just brought up. I watched him evade my glare, his hands fiddling with one another, then finding the strings from his pants and abruptly trying to lace them back up. After I'd had enough of his avoidance, I reached out with my hand, lightly touching two fingers to his chin and turning his head up and over to face me.
I offered a tender smile and quietly started to speak; "If it makes you feel any better, I don't know what to say about the situation any more than you do, Hyde,"
"Liar," Hyde quietly spat back.
"Me?" I asked. Hyde tossed his head away, causing my touch to leave his skin.
"You're always so elegant with words. I'm sure you could fill the next three hours making this twisted relationship we have into the most exquisitely sounding thing ever," He scoffed and stood up. "And you could tell anyone that would listen, because they would. Whenever you open your mouth people want to listen to you,"
I furrowed my brow, wondering where Hyde was going with this. He paced once around the coffee table before stopping in front of me.
"You could tell them the most extreme absurdity in the world but all they have to do is look at you and they'd believe it's true. Even when it's not. Even if it's…"
"Hyde--" I started.
"They just look into your eyes… people just look at you and become weak, Gacchan."
"Which people?" I whispered. Hyde hung his head low, the front of his hairs shielding his face from my view. I stood up and my hands reached out to find the sides of Hyde's face and turn up his head so he was looking at me, but then he closed his eyes. "You're not weak, Hyde."
"I never thought so either. But around you I feel pathetic," he whispered back, finally opening his eyes and staring confusedly into mine.
I smiled at him and offered a breathy laugh. "No you're not. At least, you're no less weak against me than I am for you."
Hyde blinked and I continued.
"Oh, don't feign innocence. I'm sure even those who don't know what's been happening between us is at least under the impression that I have quite the obsession for you, Hyde."
Hyde blushed only slightly before pulling away from my embrace on his face. "Stop it,"
"But it's true. Hyde, I've been obsessed with you since the first time I saw you on my television. Do you have any idea how long ago that was?"
"Are you trying to point out how old I am?" Hyde replied, that quirky smirk appearing on his boyish features.
"I've told you countless times how much of a dream come true it is to have you by my side working on this movie, which is such an important part in everything I do, honest. To have this happening right now…" I began, leaning forward to once again take Hyde's face within my hands. "To have this happen…"
In a gentle move I touched my lips softly to Hyde's. This time, he didn't pull away nor even flinch. Although he didn't push forward or barely even move, he let me caress his mouth gently with my lips for a few moments. I pulled back slowly, opening my eyes to see that Hyde's still remained closed just a little bit longer.
"Hyde, I don't really know what's going on between us either," I began, lowering my voice to a whisper, because I was surprised at the slight tremor my voice was carrying. "Everything happening to me has been surreal. The pieces of the puzzle are all coming together in such perfect alignment that I can hardly believe things are going as well as they are. It's almost as if I'm stuck in a dream and every morning just before the sun comes up, I'm afraid I'm going to wake up and this will all just be figments of a broken hallucination,"
Hyde's mouth hung open as he watched me speak;
"So you see why I need to hear you say something about what you think is occurring within our intertwined lives? Otherwise I might think you're just another fabrication of this wonderful reverie I've been circling in. Tell me it feels real to you Hyde… tell me--"
"Shut up," Hyde interrupted, pulling away from me.
"See, there you go again; putting all those graceful words together, spilling them out of your perfect mouth and looking at me with those goddamned amazing eyes of yours - fake or not, god I don't even care anymore, but somehow you just say things and make me want you," Hyde finished.
"Hyde, I just—what?" I blinked. Did I hear that last part correctly?
"I don't know what's going on either, Gacchan. But I know that right now I think I want you,"
And in a flash, Hyde's hands were grabbing my face and pulling me down. He smashed his lips onto mine, then he snaked a hand around the back of me, gripping his fingers into my hair as though he were capturing my entire head and keeping it all to his own.
I could barely breathe in the mini-frenzy that just took place so I had to do something to alleviate myself, and brought my hands around his slim hips, quickly moving them around his back to pull him even closer to me. As I went in for the exciting act our tongues were about to begin, Hyde's hand appeared suddenly in front of his mouth, blocking me from the goal.
I tried not to sigh audibly but already I feared that he was planning to freak out and run away again. Instead, I took a deep breath and tried to calmly prepare myself for what was to come.
I could see a bit of brief disappointment in Gackt's eyes, even behind those tiny fake pieces of plastic he hid them beneath. But I knew where things were about to lead again and truth be told, I just was not ready for that yet.
"Honest? I'm kind of tired and don't really want to… do anything tonight," I admitted, dropping my hand so I had a clear view of Gackt's entire face again.
"Will you stay?" he near-pleaded.
"Stay?" I asked. Another night of sharing a bed? But I need to get some sleep this time…
"Yes, stay here with me. We won't… do anything if you don't want to," He chuckled lightly. "But at least let me be with you a little while longer. It's all I'm asking," Gackt's shoulders slumped down a little as he said it.
I pondered the thought for a moment but it was apparently a moment too long for Gackt's tastes because soon he was prodding with questions --
"What happened to how badly you just said you wanted me?" He questioned in earnest.
I raised a crooked eyebrow at him and briefly pondered my response. "Firstly, I never said I wanted you badly. And secondly, since when does wanting you mean I have to be all over you? Maybe I just… want to… be with you instead," It sounded strange coming out of my mouth but surprisingly I was actually pleased with that answer.
"So stay the night then," Gackt repeated, stepping closer to me and taking my shoulders under his hands. "I promise I won't try anything unwelcomed,"
I had to stare into his eyes long enough to see if I could actually look through them and find the truth there. And while the contacts did their best to stop me, somehow I could still tell that he was being honest.
"Alright. But don't smother me this time, I can't sleep like that. I need my space," I argued momentarily.
"Oh I found that out. As soon as you fell into sleep you smacked me upside the chin and sprawled out over most of the bed," Gackt said, rubbing the back of his head at the thought. "I had to make due with a small sliver of space on the other end until you finally rolled over again,"
I felt somewhat embarrassed and also confused, having not remembered actually catching any sleep at all.
"Sorry, Gacchan. I didn't mean it, of course…" I said as Gackt placed a hand on his hip as he looked at me.
"I doubt sleeping in those pants will be comfortable. You want me to find something else for you to slip into? Actually, you don't have to wear anything if that's what you'd prefer." Gackt smirked and reached out to grab at my waist. "I'm obviously not going to object to--"
"Gackt, I'll be fine," I said, smacking down his hand. "I've actually slept in leather pants several times by mistake," Gackt nodded and disappeared to the bedroom as I found my way to his bathroom. When I caught my reflection in the mirror I couldn't help but stare at it. The face looking back at me didn't seem my own – the wide eyes trying to conceal their anxiety, the trembling lip, the twitching eyebrows… But what was there to worry? Again, this was nothing new between us, having shared a bed in the past. And I took Gackt at his word. I had to. After splashing my face in the sink I dabbed it dry with a spare towel and made my way out. As I shuffled slowly toward the bedroom, Gackt was already lying down, his hands behind his head on the pillow and nothing but a comfortable looking pair of sweats hanging low on his hips. I'm tired, I'm tired, I'm tired…
"Hyde," and dare I say Gackt cooed my name in his soft, melodic voice.
"What…" I responded, purposely not facing Gackt as I sat on the other end of the bed and began to fluff my pillow.
"Are you ready for tomorrow's scenes?"
Why oh why is he making small talk about the movie now?
"I'm sure I am. But right now I'm tired and I just want to sleep," I replied with a sigh as I shifted my legs up onto the bed and laid down on my side, still not facing the man sharing the soft mattress with me.
"I understand. I will try to be quiet," I heard Gackt say and it was then that my curiosity was sparked.
"What do you mean 'be quiet'? What are you going to be doing?" I asked, lifting my head to look back at him. He was still lying in the same position, only with his eyes closed now.
"Oh nothing at this moment, but you know me; I'm restless and probably won't be able to sleep. And since I can't touch you, I'll probably be up and doing something else in a few minutes," Gackt said, peeking an eye open to look in my direction.
I sighed and rolled onto my back. "Look, I don't want you all over me when I'm trying to sleep but I didn't say you couldn't even touch me,"
"Really?" Gackt responded and in an instant was right next to me, a graceful hand running up and down my arm. He rolled onto his side, propping his head up so he could look at me as his hand tenderly made pointless circles along my arm and chest.
"I do want to try and get some sleep though, so at least grant me that much," I said, with all intentions of rolling back onto my other side and yet I didn't want to move away from Gackt's touch right now…
"I respect that. I'll just watch you until you fall asleep then," Gackt quietly answered, staring down at me with a very wanting look.
"Gackt that's kind of unnerving…" I replied.
"What, this?" he asked, moving his hand in deft slow, strokes across my chest and stomach.
"N-no, the 'watching me until I'm asleep' part," I responded, since I was rather enjoying the petting.
"I'm sorry. Shall I wait until you're fully asleep to stare at you then, like I've done all the other times?" Gackt quietly remarked.
"…stop it, you're weirding me out," I said with a slight chuckle.
"Ok, ok. I'll let you sleep," And then he retrieved his hand and rolled onto his back and suddenly I felt alone, despite the fact he was only a few inches away from me.
I rolled over to face him then and either Gackt was good at playing games or he was actually going to leave me alone until I was asleep. He laid still, mildly breathing, with a hand behind his head and the other on his chest, his eyes appearing to be deeply shut.
"Gacchan…" I near-whimpered, feeling pathetic the moment it escaped my mouth and yet happy that it was like an instant secret code to get Gackt to put all of his attention on me. The moment I uttered it, he opened his eyes and turned his head to face me with a smile.
"Shhh, you go to sleep now, Hydee-Hyde," Gackt responded, also turning on his side so that we were facing each other.
"I can't," I admitted.
"Why not? I thought you were tired," Gackt questioned, still smiling at me.
"I am… but this is still a little unusual to me," I quietly admitted.
"How can that be? I don't find a single thing unusual about lying next to you, Hyde," Gackt whispered, sliding in just a little bit closer and making tiny traces along my hand with his finger. I was secretly thrilled to have him touching me again, as slight as it was. "For me it feels…" Gackt's voice trailed off as he pulled my hand up close to his face, breathing on it before kissing the knuckles. "Good. Right. Destined."
"Yeah, I'm not quite at that comfort level yet so you're going to have to bear with me," I said with a quiet chuckle.
Gackt continued to hold my hand near his face and used his free fingers to draw along my arm. The sensations felt good so I continued to stare at him until my weary eyes gave way to the sleep that was so eager to consume me.
Not that I usually get much sleep on a regular night, but last night was a special exception in that I had the pleasure of once again staring at Hyde's perfect sleeping form for several hours.
I left the shades open and thanked the Moon for being so bright on this night, because its beams shining in through my window were creating the perfect amount of light for me to see Hyde's features.
Unfortunately, all-too-soon the cruel sun started its way through the window and I decided that it was finally time to rise and face another day. Hyde wasn't lying when he said he was tired, for he slept so soundly he that hadn't moved much during the night except one or two points where he actually seemed to pull in closer to me, as if he wanted to be held. My greedy arms wanted nothing more than to take his small body into them, but lest the fear of waking and possibly angering him, I objected the motion and instead occasionally gave his body some gentle, reassuring rubs.
The real truth is that whenever I am touching Hyde, it's so exhilarating to my senses that I almost go crazy every time I am given the opportunity to do so. So now as he lie sleeping close to me, I knew I'd really have to sustain myself, no matter how badly I wanted to fully take him into my embrace.
Though it should probably be mentioned that I stole a kiss or two in the darkest of hours.
I rose gently from the soft mattress we had shared all night and went to the main room to do some stretching and exercising before taking a nice long shower to rejuvenate. As the coffee pot began to gurgle, I read over today's call sheet, frowning to myself to see that I actually had very little shared time with Hyde today.
I also had to be on set in an hour and Hyde was still fast asleep.
Well, I didn't want to wake him or chase him out. From what I'd learned, Hyde was a late sleeper, and occasionally had been slightly tardy to set because of it. And since he wasn't even required to shoot until closer to noon, I figured I'd let him rest in my bed for as long as he so chose. I ordered up some room service for breakfast and set it nicely at the table in my bedroom before grabbing my stuff and heading out.
I arrived on set and met with LeeHom and we began chatting in simple Mandarin. He pointed out instantly that I looked tired and I told him I really hadn't slept. Not that I ever got much sleep to begin with, but last night I found it impossible to close my eyes for more than a few seconds, lest I miss the golden opportunity to stare at Hyde's face and revel in the fact that the corners of his mouth appeared to be slightly upturned in a constant content smile; Or feeling the envy of his long eyelashes, that they always got to grace his soft cheeks with their presence. And dare I miss the duty of sweeping aside the stray blond hairs that would every now and then threaten to block part of his face from my view.
"No, I really did not sleep at all," I repeated, tossing my head briefly in an attempt to shoo the pleasant memories so I could focus for the day.
"So where's Hyde-san? Isn't he in this scene too?" LeeHom questioned as we made our way to the make-up station.
"We're just taking some re-shoots; close-up shots of our faces, that stuff. Since Hyde is perfect, he doesn't need any," I said with a small laugh as I sat down on the small stool near where LeeHom's makeup artist began her work.
He chuckled and closed his eyes as his foundation was applied. "Gackt, I really have to say thanks again for this opportunity. I love working with you and Hyde. And I can see he's having fun too; at least whenever he's around you he seems really happy…"
LeeHom had suddenly flipped into English, which I was not very good at and his was at a speed much faster than my own so as he began to speak casually, I started to lose some of what he said. The only words I truly made out were 'I love Hyde', 'having fun' and 'really happy'…
"I'm sorry, I didn't catch all of that. Could you repeat it?" My Mandarin sounded so formal sometimes.
"Oh I'm just talking about Hyde," LeeHom went back to Chinese. "He's an amazing little guy. You both get along really well too. I think the three of us should hang out more often but you guys always seem to disappear at night… What have you two been up to?" I saw LeeHom poke his head around his makeup artist and give me a cocked eyebrow and sly grin.
But again, my Chinese was at a loss and because his make-up artist was standing in between us, I didn't catch more than 'Hyde', 'amazing', and 'at night'…
Perhaps it was ridiculous for me to start feeling the way I was, especially given the fact I knew my English was limited and my Chinese was rusty and I wasn't fast enough at translating all of what LeeHom said, but the fact was that over the short time since I'd met Hyde and got to know him better, I found that I had to be around him all the time whenever we were on set and because of this, I'd grown quite a jealous streak over him. It wasn't something I'd ever admit to anyone (considering I had enough trouble admitting it to myself), but more and more I'd recently noticed how strongly the feeling was present.
I wanted a sort of possession over Hyde and whenever we were on set together, I felt like I had that. Even though it was common knowledge how desperately I had worked to convince Hyde to join me for the movie, the fact that he was here now and basically following my every lead and command made me feel like I had control of him. While I often caught myself watching Hyde almost hawk-eyed, he too was often caught following me like a puppy or constantly standing within my shadow. The bottom line was that Hyde and I were fairly inseparable on set and that didn't go unnoticed to anyone present.
Yet in the recent days we tended to be just as inseparable off-set as well, though mostly those going-ons was a knowledge shared solely between us. Or so I thought...
It might be some time before I get the next chapter up as I am a little stuck and a lot busy at the moment. But I will keep the story going! I never know when I'm going to be struck with inspiration or feel like writing. I should have at least one more chapter up before the year is out. Thanks again for reading and please review if you feel lead to do so. I really appreciate the feedback!