One Last Breath: Wanting
By: Matrix Taylor
Rated: M (content. For mature audiences only)
From: FF7: Advent Children
Author's Note: Inspired by the fic, "Wanting". I just wanted to make a Kadaj version of this fic. But of course, the original idea belongs to Katie and CloudXKadajLover the author of "Wanting". Check out "Wanting" for Cloud's version of this story.
DISCLAIMER: FF7: Advent Children do not belong to me, but to their rightful owners & distributors. The original story, which inspired this one, belongs to Katie & CloudXKadajLover, the author of "Wanting".
Kadaj should have known better. He should have did something more to keep Niisan from getting too close. Maybe it was the longing for another being that he always put aside, accepting the inevitable.
It was at the Forbidden City that Kadaj, the youngest of the Avatars, and the blonde swordsman first met. Niisan was definitely a sight for sore eyes. Those mako blue eyes studied the three Avatars. However, his gaze lingered on Kadaj the longest. Those same mako blue eyes which burned with intensity each time he fought with the Avatars. Kadaj, despite his best efforts, could not stop thinking about his blonde haired Niisan in ways that he knew he should not. It was because the blonde hair swordsman was the enemy and he was keeping them away from mother. It was this thought alone which kept Kadaj from doing something irrational like seeking the blonde swordsman out on his own accord.
So imagine Kadaj's own surprise when he saw Cloud just sitting there by the lake, his mako blue eyes focused on Kadaj. Instantly, Kadaj was on his guard, hearing the rational voice in his head echoing that Niisan was the enemy. Still, Kadaj was serious and contemplated on drawing is sword not knowing what trick his Niisan may have up his sleeves.
"What are you doing here, Niisan? You honestly think you can wonder around here and not run into one of us did you?"
The blonde swordsman shook his head. Kadaj realized that Niisan was unarmed. So, Kadaj did not feel threaten enough to take out Souba just yet.
"You didn't even bring your sword."
"I didn't come to fight."
The next thing Kadaj knew, Niisan was up on his feet. The blonde swordsman grabbed his arms and pressed his lips against the teen's. Kadaj's turquoise eyes widened with shock at the abrupt change of events. His confusion of what was happening and why is what kept the young Avatar from fighting against the blonde. A moment later, Cloud moved away, staring at the youth with somewhat confusion on his face as well. It was urgent and Kadaj was not sure just how to react to this. Before Kadaj could even use that moment to speak, he again found himself cut off by another kiss. This time, the kiss was gentle and Kadaj found himself almost melting in his Niisan's arms. It was nothing he experienced. And instead of fighting against it, the Avatar simply close his eyes and gave in to the warm comfort that surrounded his Niisan as the blonde swordsman wrapped his arms around him, pulling him against his strong body. Somewhat familiar feelings that he did not recognize anymore flooded back to him. Yet, Kadaj remained unsure.
"What is this?" Kadaj asked himself.
The blonde swordsman himself was shocked that the silver haired Avatar was not pulling away. However, Kadaj was again caught unawares when after a few moments of gentle kissing, Kadaj was pulled down to the ground. With his Niisan settled on top, he again kissed Kadaj. But this time, his Niisan's kisses were more urgent. Kadaj could feel the blonde swordsman's tongue running over his peach lips. Kadaj parted them, allowing the blonde entry into his mouth. Kadaj enjoyed this new feeling that his Niisan was causing him to feel. There was no pain. It was more of a delightful feeling. A feeling of being wanted. It was a feeling, Kadaj decided, that he never wanted to end.
Before Kadaj himself could comprehend what he and his Niisan were doing, the blonde hair swordsman pulled off the Avatar's clothes and began tasting the smooth, milky skin of the rebel's neck and chest. Moaning in delight, Kadaj removed the blonde swordsman shirt and fumbled anxiously with the zipper. Silently, his Niisan complied with Kadaj's request, removing his clothing and tossing them aside. Before Kadaj really comprehended what happened next, his Niisan was inside of him, thrusting in and out of him and causing the Avatar to writhe in pleasure. Kadaj moaned and cried out in ecstasy as he felt his Niisan hit something sensitive deep inside of him. He could hear the moans of his Niisan as he thrust in and out of Kadaj again and again. Suddenly, they both cried out when they came. Feeling more exhausted then he has ever felt before, yet satisfied, Kadaj collapsed on the ground. He felt his Niisan pull himself out of the young Avatar and put his clothes back on. Gathering bits of his strength that was left, Kadaj slipped on his clothes as well. Kadaj knew that he should leave. But, Kadaj was not quite ready to let go of the strange peace he felt at the moment, especially with the blonde swordsman. So, instead, Kadaj took his chances and made himself comfortable by leaning against the blonde swordsman.
"So soft and warm." Kadaj thought to himself before drifting off, unaware of the blonde swordsman gently stroking his silver locks of hair.
After what happened between Kadaj and the blonde haired swordsman at the Forgotten City, the young Remnant debated on if he should go and see the blonde. Kadaj wondered if Niisan was angry when he woke up and the Avatar was gone. All questions he had about what transpired between both Kadaj and the blonde swordsman still plagued him. Kadaj always found himself thinking of it since it happened and smiling secretly to himself. The other two Avatars also noticed, but they thought it was because he was thinking of Mother. The suspense was killing him and he just had to know why Niisan did what he did.
Kadaj found his Niisan at the church where there were the most beautiful flowers he has ever seen. Kadaj wondered if the flower patch belonged to the blonde swordsman. Kadaj quickly made himself focus on the task at hand. For the first time in his life, Kadaj was nervous. However, Kadaj did his best to conceal this fact from the blonde swordsman. Unsure if his presence was welcome or not, Kadaj approached him cautiously holding the blue eyed swordsman's gaze with his own.
"Niisan…why did you…"
Kadaj trailed off the question, just as confused as he felt. Niisan sighed and shook his head.
"I don't know."
"Why did you let me?"
Kadaj blinked and thought about it for a moment. Kadaj was not sure himself accepting for the fact that it felt good. He knew that whatever feelings he encountered, it took away the worries and doubts Kadaj had about his own life. It took him away from the harsh reality, the one thing Kadaj felt he could never escape."
"Because…I…I liked it."
Kadaj gaze shifted to the floor. Kadaj could feel the blonde swordsman's gaze, blushing silently. It was the first time he has ever blushed like this. It was probably a stupid thing to do because he was sure that Niisan noticed. However, Kadaj could not help it. He waited for the blonde swordsman's answer.
"I've never felt that way before. I don't even know what it is, but…"
Kadaj looked up and their eyes met again. The longing that Kadaj felt and kept locked away for a long time was now there when he spoke again.
"You made me feel like I was worth something. That I even mean something…and that I'm not just someone's puppet to around with."
Kadaj did not really expect the blonde swordsman to understand. Kadaj felt that no one but the other two Avatars to ever understand. So, Kadaj was surprised when Niisan came closer to the teen and kissed him. What transpired between the Avatar and the blonde swordsman at the Forgotten City happened again. It continued on, Kadaj always coming back for more. As long as he was with the blonde swordsman, Kadaj did not have to worry about his future. Maybe if he stayed with the blonde swordsman, it will somehow change. For the first time in his short life, Kadaj felt that someone loved him for him and the young Avatar did not want to let go of that comfort. And Kadaj was more than sure that the blonde same. Kadaj pushed away the screaming voice that said he was sleeping with the enemy. The same logical voice that knew as well as he did that the blonde swordsman had geostigma and will die, leaving the young Avatar alone and on his own again.
A few more weeks later, Kadaj came to the church for the umpteenth time almost happily. However, his expression changed when he saw the serious expression on his Niisan's face. He wondered what was wrong.
"Kadaj…we can't do this anymore."
Caught off guard Kadaj asks, "What are you-"
"You know what I'm talking about. We're not…meant to be."
Hearing these words, Kadaj felt reality coming crashing down all around him. Every hope and dream he began to have faded away leaving behind hurt. Every illusion faded to black. It meant nothing. That hurt turned to anger. And that anger turned to rage.
"So everything's been a lie? You figured you could just screw around with me a few times and then cast me aside?"
His Niisan just stared at the furious teen.
"That's not it at all! You mean everything to me, but it's not gonna work! No matter if we tried, there's just-"
"You think I didn't know that this might not work out? Of course I knew! I just didn't care and-"
Kadaj stopped for a moment, trying to keep the moisture that had formed in his eyes from falling. Kadaj just could not believe what he was hearing.
"….I thought it wouldn't matter to you. I thought…you…"
Tears began to fall from the Avatar's eyes, unable to hold them any longer. It was all a lie. These words kept rotating over and over in his mind. He saw the sorrow on the blonde's face, but it was too late. So when his Niisan reached out to him, Kadaj took a step back.
"Kadaj, please, I-"
"NO! Just say it! You don't want me here, you don't-"
"It's not that-"
"I can't believe I trusted you! I even thought I loved you…"
These words shocked the blonde. The Avatar reprimanded himself for being so stupid. For letting himself believe a lie. Niisan was just like the others. It hurt so bad and it was all Niisan's fault. He caused this pain.
"…I hate you."
Kadaj spat these words coldly at the spiky haired man giving him a fierce glare to let his Niisan know that he meant it.
"Do you hear me? I HATE YOU!"
With that final yell, Kadaj spun around and stormed off, slamming the church doors open as he did. After that, things went on as they were meant to be. Through all the fights they had, Kadaj used that hate and the memory of the pain making the Avatar fight against the blonde swordsman as hard as he could. Inevitably, it led to the Avatar's downfall, surprised when it was the blonde swordsman who caught him and cradled the young Avatar in his arms. It was at that moment that he found he could not hate the blonde swordsman anymore. Kadaj found the man beautiful. Kadaj was finally free from his mother, and now he could die in peace.
Although the blonde swordsman said nothing, he could saw that Cloud understood. Kadaj knew there was so much that his Niisan wanted to say. However, Kadaj was glad that he did not. The Avatar understood that he just wanted something, in the end, that he just could not have. But, at least he tried. Kadaj smiled and reached out towards the sky before finally dying in his Niisan's arms.
Here is the poem written to go to this fic & which the fic was inspired:
You're all I ever think about.
You're all I ever dream about.
I want you more than anything else.
But I only want something I can't have.
I can't keep fighting this temptation.
I'm not supposed to feel this way.
But I can't control the way you make me feel.
I want to tear your clothes right off.
And wipe the smirk off your pretty face.
I want to fuck you hard and fast.
And make you beg and plead
I can't just let go of you yet.
I won't let you be a memory just yet.
If I lose you now I'll lose you forever.
You're all I ever think about.
You're all I ever dream about.
I want you more than anything else.
But I'm only wanting what I can't have.