Here. I've compromised. Re-written, but still not taking down the story. This is pretty much chapter one, the original. It's different though, I am satisfied with this chapter, and actually think it is pretty amusing… OK.
DISCLAIMER: NO OWN. THIS IS ALSO A PARODY. SO, YES, OBVIOUSLY EVERYONE IS OOC.
Pregnant; Version 2.0
Bella turned to Edward, with a look of utmost horror and confusion on her face. She had something to tell him, he could sense that. Bella seemed to be battling internally, a war raging in her mind. Edward could tell this, she didn't even stop breathing when he did his infamous crooked grin!!
"Bella?" Edward asked, concerned and insecure as ever. Bella rewarded him with an anxious and slightly annoyed look at his insecure tone. Edward was constantly acting like this ever since he had come back, and quite frankly, it was pissing her off. Ugh! You'd think she was smart enough to consider her decisions?! Edward was almost as worse as her at feeling inadequate in the relationship…
Edward continued on in his worried, anxious tone, "What is it? I know there's something wrong, so don't try to deny it!! Oh, Carlisle, you're leaving me, aren't you? And it's probably for Jacob, isn't it? I knew you weren't making the right decision staying with me!!! You deserve a normal, human life!! You really are leaving, aren't you?? Oh, I knew this day would eventually come… But remember; I will always love you! You hear that, I WILL ALWAYS—"
"Edward," Bella said, now looking just plain disgusted at his tone, which was growing more, and more pathetic with each passing second, "I am NOT leaving you for Jacob! Gosh, you're so insecure. I just needed to tell you something…"
"Oh, that's it? Ah, that is such a relief… Wait. What?! What is it that you need to tell me? Are you ok? Are you hurt?! Are you in trouble?! Is another sadistic vampire tracking you, one you never told me about? Oh, there is, I can feel it!! Oh, this is all my fault!! I should have never left and now look!! You have ANOTHER vampire after you!! Oh, I could just kill myself… No!! That's probably not it either… Alice would have told me… Unless the sadistic vampire IS ALICE!!!! Oh, I can't even trust my own family!! No… Wait… Now that I think about that theory, it does seem stupid… Carlisle, Bella… That was really stupid of you to suggest… Wait! I know it!! You found another person who you love and have come to your senses and are leaving me!! Is it another vampire, Bella?? I would fully accept it if you left—"
"EDWARD. CALM DOWN. Now, as I said, I have something to tell you," Bella stated, rolling her eyes at Edward's gross over reactions, "Um… Well… I—I—I'm--" Bella stuttered, looking worried, anxious, and alarmed at the same time. That poor, poor empath who lived a floor down… Jasper must have been having a ball…
Jasper and Alice were enjoying a few quite moments alone. Totally in sync with each other's emotions and actions, they barely needed to utter a sound to realise what the other was thinking. Jasper was contently reading a thick, Oxford textbook on the merits of biology in various types of flora and fauna, while Alice was enjoying her newest copy of French Vogue. Alice was flipping through pages, armed with hot pink sticky notes to mark the pages of her favourite designers, Jasper was flipping through his book, also armed with sticky notes, though his were a calming blue-lavender shade.
"Alice…" Jasper said suddenly, looking up from his giant textbook, and to his wife, sitting a few feet away from him on the violently pink rug adorning the floor, "I—I was wondering…"
"Yes, Jazzy?" Alice asked, annoyed at being interrupted from her designer hunt. Though, when she saw Jasper's worried expression, she softened. Alice put down her Vogue, and sidled up to 'Jazzy'. She started to rub his arm, very concerned.
"Am—Am I good enough for you?" Jasper chocked out, starting to dry sob. Alice was too taken aback to say anything, the question was so out of the blue, "I mean, you're so beautiful, I don't deserve you!! OH, I HATE MYSELF!!! I MAKE YOU SO ASHAMED OF ME!!!!! OH!!! You already know this, don't you?!?! Yes, of course you would know… You are the smartest girl I've ever met… But, that must mean then… Then…That you're leaving me—FOR EMMETT!!! Oh, I knew this would happen!!!" Jasper was full out dry sobbing now, Alice stunned speechless by his little display, "I'm just, so, worthless!! Just leave me!! You deserve better!!! Oh, but I don't want you to leave!! I'm so damn selfish!!! Why can't I just leave you and let you get on with your life!!!"
"Jasper…?" Alice asked, slightly alarmed, rubbing his arm, "What's going on? Is Bella PMSing again?" Suddenly a look of comprehension flicked onto her face, causing her usually perky face to contour into one of anger, "Ugh! NOT AGAIN!!!" Alice then looked towards the ceiling of their bedroom, "EDWARD!!! WILL YOU STOP WITH THE GODDAMNED SELF HATRED SHIT!!! CARLISLE!!! UGGH!!! And Bella!!! I'm sure Edward will be ecstatic with whatever the heck you are obviously worried about telling him!!! Carlisle!!! Both of you two are pissing me of!!!!" Alice shrieked, then went back to her magazine, now completely ignoring Jasper's ever growing dry sobs beside her.
"OK, so Edward…" Bella stumbled through her words, raising her voice at the end, trying to be heard over Jasper's wails, that were still growing louder, from downstairs, "I'm—ahhh… I'm a…pregnant…" Bella whispered quietly, FINALLY managing to spit out, though barely heard, even with super awesome vampire hearing.
Edward just sat there. He looked confused, then startled, then surprised. "How, how did you get pregnant?"
"Well… um… Why are you asking me this? Aren't you the one with two medical school degrees…?" Bella said, looking confused, Edward's face remained emotionless and confused, so Bella bravely continued on, "Well…You see…When a man and woman are in love…They have a special bond," Bella started loudly, still desperately trying to be heard over Jasper downstairs. At Bella's beginning of trying to explain where babies came from, Edward's face took on a look of ever growing terror and horror. Suddenly the two of them jumped, at the sound of two boulders colliding, and Jasper's wails ceasing at the sound of Alice yelling, "Give it a rest, won't you?!?!??"
Both of them looked at each other, nervously chuckled in a way that you would obviously hear on a first date, and then became serious again.
"No!! No!!! I meant, how did YOU get pregnant? Like, as in, who is the father? Because, you know, I would accept that. I did leave you, after all…. Which means that this is technically my fault…"
"WHAT?!?! EDWARD CULLEN!!!" Bella shrieked, only slightly nervous in Edward discovering her secret, "YOU OBVIOUSLY!!!! Are you calling me a—a—a slut??!!" Bella added in a slightly paranoid and nervous tone, ending with a scarred chuckle, "You are the ONLY per—hu—vampire I've EVER slept with!!" Bella said, her voice slightly triumphant, finally figuring a loop hole through her little rant.
Edward sat there in silence for a few moments, then quietly, "Bella… am I really going to be a father? Are you really pregnant?"
Suddenly, as soon as the word 'pregnant' exited his lips, his bedroom door banged open with such a force, it shattered on the wall, leaving a crater-sized dent in the wall where the door handle used to be. There was Alice, standing in the doorway.
She looked at Bella, then looked at Edward, and let out a Banshee like shriek, and raced over to Bella and started to scream.
"OH MY CARLISLE!!!!!!!!!! IS IT TRUE?!?!?! ARE YOU REALLY?!?!?! OH MY CARLISLE, ITS TRUE!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO GO SHOPPING FOR IT!! AND CAN I PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DECORATE THE NUSERY?!?!?!?" Alice stopped to suck in a few more unnecessary breaths, the gather Bella in a huge hug. "Oh my Carlisle!!! How come I didn't I see this?!?!?!"
At the clearly rhetorical question, Bella's eyes suddenly became shifty, and managed to stutter out, "Umm… I—I'm not quite sure Alice… It just happened… And Edward is DEFINATLY the father…Because, you now, I've only ever slept with Edward…Yeah, no one else… Only Edward… Why don't you believe me?? Only Edward!!!"
"Oh, I knew THAT silly!!" Alice said, pointing to her head, "You two were going at it for hours!!! I will NEVER be able to sit at that dining room table ever again!!!"
"Alice," Edward growled, looking embarrassed, then smiling and nodding to himself in a purely male-like way, remembering 'that time'.
"Edward? Edward!" Alice shrieked, trying to snap him out of his memories. "Bella and I are going SHOPPING!!! Yay!! I have an excuse to buy more things!! And now Bella can't argue about me spending hundreds of thousands of dollars!! Oh, all my dreams are coming true…"
"ALICE!!" Bella snapped, "We haven't told ANYONE yet!!! Just calm down, and wait, like 3 seconds for us to at least talk to Carlisle about this!!"
Alice pouted, then smiling, turned towards the door, and let out a hair raising shriek, "EVERYONE!!! BELLA AND EDWARD ARE HAVING A BABY!!! YEAH, LIKE IN NINE MONTHS!!! A REAL, BREATHING BABY!!!!" Alice turned to Bella, "Can we go shopping NOOOOOW?????"
"ALICE!!!!" Bella roared.
"This is all my fault!!" Edward whimpered, his voice oozing self pity and insecurity, "If I hadn't of left you then you wouldn't have all these anger problems…"
"EDWARD!!!" Jasper roared, bursting into the room, "STOP WITH THE DAMN INSECURITIES—Alice? No!!! I yelled at Edward, and now you feel unsafe with me, and you're leaving me—FOR CARLISLE!!!" Jasper started to dry sob, louder and even more out of control then before. Long story short, it was ugly. Very ugly.
Ugh. Alice thought to herself, you'd think Jasper would have his STUPID gift under control after 144 years of practice… CARLISLE!!
"Alice…" Edward whimpered again, looking up from his hands in which he was dry sobbing in only seconds earlier, "Those weren't very nice thoughts…"
Suddenly, the door was flung open and the remaining Cullens burst in.
"Bella? Is this really true?" Carlisle asked, looking at Bella with doubt creeping into his voice.
"Yes… and Edward is DEFINATLY the father!! HOW MANY TIMES AM I GONG TO HAVE TO SAY THAT TO GET IT THROUGH?!?! I'VE ONLY SLEPT WITH EDWARD!!!" Bella shrieked unnecessarily, jumping up from the couch near the end of her rant.
"Well! This is a scientific miracle!!" Carlisle proclaimed, looking at an ecstatic Esme.
"Bella! This is wonderful!" Esme said kindly, "But you two really should have used protection… Now this poor child is going to be born out of wedlock… The shame it shall bear… That poor, poor child…" She finished in a parental tone.
Rosalie looked livid, and scoffed, thoughts of hatred running through her head.
Emmett eyed Bella sceptically. "Are you sure you're really pregnant?" He said, eyeing her flat stomach sceptically, "Are pregnant women supposed to be fat?"
"No, Emmett dear, that's after about 6 months…" Esme said gently, "Oh, Bella! I just hope that Edward doesn't turn abusive, the baby doesn't dies in less than a week, and you don't throw yourself off a cliff like I did!!" Esme said, then finished wistfully, "Oh, if I only didn't jump…"
Carlisle cleared his throat. "OH!! Not that jumping off that cliff wasn't the best decision of my life!!" Esme said, her eyes looking shifty, and slightly wishful at the though of her not throwing herself off the cliff.
"Well!!" Carlisle said, not so discreetly changing the subject, "Lets go out celebratory hunting!!! Come on, Edward!! We'll drive down to California… Hit a couple of zoos on our way there… We know how much you like that endangered polar bear blood…" Carlisle said excitedly. All the Cullens started to chatter amongst themselves excitedly at the thought of attacking and draining poor, innocent endangered animals from the zoos.
"AWESOME!!! ZOO HUNTING!!!" Emmett squealed, "I'LL GO GRAB MY STUFF!!!"
"I'm gonna stay with Bella!! We're going out shopping for the baby!!! And clothes!!!!" Alice finished off with a flourish and squeal, uncannily sounding like Emmett's squeal moments before…
"Um… I'm going to stay too… I have a project to finish for school…" Rosalie said lamely…
"OK!! See you all in a few days!! Stay safe!!" And with that, the Cullens, save for Rosalie and Alice, were gone, car tires squealing from the driveway, just barely heard over the pounding beat of what suspiciously sounding like the new Britney Spears song coming from Edward's Volvo (I haven't listened to it yet… Harry's obsessed… Harry's also dealing with a small bout of insanity…)
Alice squealed, again, and dragged Bella downstairs and into her new yellow Porsche (Edward got her a Cherry red one, in which he was given a disgusted look from Alice, and a yelling of "TAKE IT BACK!!!! THIS ONE SUCKS!!! WHAT?!?!?! DID YOU NOT GET A NEW ONE EITHER?!?!! IS THIS FUCKING USED?!?!?") Alice drove towards Forks, so that Bella could pick up her prenatal vitamins, which she had forgotten. Alice left the car running in the street, and yelled out to Bella, "Be back in 5 minutes, or I'm gone!" Naturally, Bella hurried inside.
She ran up into her room, grabbed the bottle of little pills, and turned to walk down the tedious stairs. Suddenly, she felt a hard shove on her back (LMAO, its soooo Passions, and she tumbled down the stairs and landed into a heap at the bottom.
Before Bella blacked out, she heard a muttering in a magical, musical voice, of, "Stupid, whore."
It was a few hours later when Bella awoke in Edward's room, in a new change of clothes, and comfortably in Edward's arms. When Edward realized that she was awake, he yelled for the rest of the family.
The Cullens, slowly for vampires, flooded into the room, causing it too seem smaller than usually. Emmett gave Bella a glare, angry that, because of her, he was standing in Edward's room at the moment, rather than preferably attacking a pent up and extremely dangerous lion.
Carlisle looked at Bella, and gave her a 'duh' look, "Bella, you need to be more careful walking up and down the stairs… You miscarried—" Rosalie smirked, looking quite proud of herself, "—one of the babies!!"
Rosalie's face conveyed shock, causing Jasper's to look exactly the same comically. Suddenly, her face fell back into the bitter mask it was before, and she tried to look as concerned at the others.
"Bella!! Are you all right?? Do you need me to get anything??" Rosalie asked in a fake, over concerned voice.
"No, Rosalie, I'm perfectly fine…" Bella said, touched that Rosalie would be concerned. She looked around to the other Cullens.
Esme looked torn between shock, anger and sympathy. Emmett was angry. Alice was also angry, though only at being denied another shopping trip. Edward looked down at her as if she was a comical puppy, one of the ones who fall down, causing the owner to chuckle.
Bella sighed, "But I didn't fall…" She started, causing Edward to chuckle louder.
"Sure you didn't, sweetheart," Edward said, exchanging a look with the rest of the Cullens clearly saying, "Humour the pregnant clumsy human". Bella sighed again. This was going to be a difficult pregnancy.
Wow. 7 pages, over 2, 600 words… OK. Note to kind reviewers… THIS IS PARODY. And don't yell at me for being 'patronizing' cause like every three words I am saying the words 'PARODY!!!' is being screamed out… You wouldn't believe the illiterate people who cannot understand that. So there. IT'S A PARODY. Harry, the people who flame for the "OOC-ness" are fair game. Feel free to make them cry.