A/N: First two-shot! Please enjoy it and review; Reviews motivate me to write more xD! Italics represent Riku's thoughts. The ruler initiates and ends a flashback. Bold italics represent what Riku was thinking in a flashback or several thoughs in his head at once. Sometimes, it emphasizes a word but you should be able to differentiate the two. And by the way, like in several anime, a character that is a minor will live alone. It's just a video game (or manga if you read the manga), not real life, so live with it xD. Some things will not make sense but they will be explained in the next chapter. I find that it feels more complete when revealed next chapter so keep reading!

Summary: Three months after returning to Destiny Islands, Riku feels more alone than ever. Rikucentric. SoKai involved. Two-Shot. Rated T. Post-KH2

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. That's owned by Square Enix/Disney! I wouldn't mind owning it though…

What I Used To Be - Torment

It's been three months already…

Riku stared out into the ocean, his eyes reflecting sadness back at the calm waters. It had been three months since he and Sora had returned to Destiny Islands. Most would be happy to return to their home after three months. Riku wasn't. It seemed that everyday was filled with more sadness than the day before.

It all started the week after we came back…


It was a cold and rainy night the week after Sora and Riku came back. Riku hadn't gone home during that week because he was too nervous to face his mother again after so long. Sora had gone back to his house almost right away to see his parents. They were overjoyed to see their only child again.

Riku would pass his days by looking at his small apartment building where he once lived. Sometimes, he would be overcome with jealousy at that fact that Sora was able to run home so easily. Sora knew where his heart was and always changed himself for the better. Not that he could become any better anyway. He had such a beautiful heart full of light that he could be considered holy.

The silver haired teen knew that he couldn't hide forever. He had to stop running away from his mother and his home. On that chilly night, Riku gathered the courage to go knock on the door of his apartment. As he knocked, he felt anxiety yet some hope in his heart.

The door opened. That small piece of hope and extreme anxiety that once glinted in the emerald orbs disappeared. An old fat woman stood there in her bathrobe instead of his mother. He had no idea who she was.

"What do you want, kid?" she grunted.

"Um, is Takada Yuki-san here?" Riku asked politely.

"No," the old woman slammed the door in his face.

Riku stood there speechless. Maybe his mother had moved? More than anything, he felt somewhat scared. His mother had been one of the only stable points in his life. His father had left them as soon as Riku was born and he never knew if Sora was going to run off with Kairi or not. Sure, his mother had given birth to him when she was only fourteen, but she lived for him. She worked three jobs not to support herself, but to support her child. She always worried about Riku and tried to make him happy.

The sin-stained teen ran through the rain towards Sora's house. It was pouring more than ever. It looked like there could be a hurricane coming.

Finally, Riku came to the door of Sora's house and knocked loudly. Sora's mom answered the door.

"Riku!" Sora's mom exclaimed, "What a pleasant surprise. You're soaked! Why don't you come in?"

Riku shook his head, moving the silver hair from in front of his eyes, "Did my mother move from our place or something? I found out that she doesn't live there anymore and I'm kinda worried,"

Sora's mom's face fell as she started shaking, "Riku…You don't know?" she asked shakily.

"No…What?' Riku found himself shaking too and it wasn't just because of the icy rain.

"Your mother killed by the heartless that invaded one year ago."

Riku's face contorted with anger and pain. He ran off into the raining night, hurt by it all.

It wasn't supposed to be this way! Why does life seem to be out to get me? Life made me live in the darkness and shadows for so long. When it finally lets me live in light, it overpowers me with pain. Why did she have to die? Why? WHY?!?

No…It's not life's fault. It's mine. If I hadn't given in, Okaa-san would still be alive. My life wouldn't have changed for the worse. It's all my fault…


That's the day when I started cutting again.

Riku continued to sit on the crooked paopu tree. He tore off his armband to reveal several cuts and scars littering his pale wrist. Riku winced; they brought back the torture of the last three months.

I killed my mother…I'm the one that let the heartless invade…I killed my own mother...I don't even have the right to live in the realm of light.


Riku had no place to live after that. He collected some money from his inheritance and rented a small one-room apartment about three days after. He had survived the hurricane in the secret place on the play island. It wasn't too terrible a hurricane either; it was more of a tropical storm. He never told Sora or Kairi about it either. He instead chose to writhe in his suffering alone.

A week later, Riku took a review exam of grade ten so he could go into grade eleven immediately when September came. The exam was very similar to that of a Japanese entrance exam and Riku passed with 100 percent in each subject.

"Congratulations, Riku!" Sora had grinned at Riku when he found out that he passed.

"Thanks," Riku mumbled, still melancholic after the news.

"Riku…" Sora squirmed nervously, "Are you guilty about living in the Realm of Light?"

"No. Why?" Riku lied.

"Just curious. You seem kinda sad. My mom said to talk to you."

"Oh…" Riku trailed off, somewhat relieved that Sora's mom hadn't said anything. He began to think about what Sora had said. It made him feel worse than ever.

I hurt my friends and yet I was accepted into a realm of light. I put them through so much pain and suffering…They care about a demon from the darkness when they are so immersed in light, they're holy and pure...Pure compared to someone like me…

"Are you still here?"

"Oh, um, yeah!" Riku looked at Sora's innocent sapphire orbs.

"Anyway, how did you do on your exam?" Riku asked.

"Um…I need to go to summer school," Sora replied, embarrassed.

"It's okay," Riku smiled fakely,"I'll help you study. I'm sure you will be able to know what two plus two is by the end of the summer."

"I'm so sure," Sora laughed, "I just need better grades to make sure I can pass! I'm not as smart as you, you know. But, you are my best friend. You can help me out if you want!."


I could have sworn that he was telling the truth…

Riku jumped off the tree and walked across the bridge. He went down to the secret place, the place he and Sora played all the time when they were little.

But he wasn't.


Almost immediately after, Sora seemed to disappear for a month and a bit. He was always either busy with summer school or "just going out". Riku was positive that Sora was dating Kairi. He knew that it would happen one day but it hurt more than ever. He thought he could handle it. The thing was, he couldn't. Riku felt like Sora had left him behind.

"Where've you been?" Riku asked Sora one day. They happened to have a rare encounter alone.

"I've been busy with school and stuff," Sora grinned.

"You've been seeing Kairi, haven't you," Riku asked, a certain but unidentifiable emotion lingering in his voice.

Sora blushed, "Yeah. Is that a bad thing?"

Riku didn't say anything.

I've been left behind…Light can't mix with darkness…I'll always be a thing from the dark…I never really left it behind, did I?...And now I'm being left behind as well by my only friend…Forgotten…Alone…

"Riku, are you sure you're okay? You look really thin."

"Yeah, I'm fine," Riku lied again. He hadn't been eating much for a while.

"If you're sure…" Sora replied with uncertainty.


Couldn't he see the pain within my eyes?

Riku began to observe the rock walls, covered with drawings done by the children of the island. A certain one caught his eye near the end of the wall. He stared at it and a look of hopelessness appeared behind the emerald of his orbs.


When September rolled around, Riku was hoping to be able to see Sora more often. It had been two and a half months since they had come back. Riku looked around in the morning but didn't see either Sora or Kairi. He wondered where his best friend was as he was walking to the bathroom during second period. He was about to turn a corner when he saw the shadows of two people standing close by. Riku glanced around the corner subtly to see Sora pressing Kairi against the wall, kissing her passionately.

Riku turned around and ran down the hall and back to class, diamonds forming in his eyes. He sat down in his history class and concentrated on his textbook so nobody would notice his watering eyes.

As Riku ignored the words of his ancient history teacher, he suddenly realized what he could do to make Sora realize the pain he was suffering. He didn't want to bluntly say to either that he was dying inside but he wanted him to at least notice. He had always been like that; he never wanted to say anything but he wanted someone to notice. He hated himself for being such a fool.

During lunch, Riku didn't go to the cafeteria where he knew that he would see his two friends. Instead, he waited around in the secluded girl's bathroom. One of the girl's bathrooms was always out of order so nobody ever went in there except Kairi. Whenever she finished her lunch, she always went in there to use the mirror. She enjoyed her privacy. Sora had told Riku that. He truly loved Kairi and Riku had always supported that. One year ago, he didn't try to rescue Kairi first because he loved her; he tried to rescue her first because he felt threatened that Sora was going to forget about him because of Kairi. But until now, Riku never used to mind the fact that Kairi and Sora would one day date until they actually started. If Sora hadn't left Riku alone and forgotten, he would have no problems with it.

After half an hour, the door opened. Kairi walked inside when she noticed Riku standing in front of her, arms crossed, "Riku!" she gasped, "What are you doing here? It's the girl's bathroom! Have you even been eating?"

Riku pushed Kairi against the cold tiled wall and pressed his lips against hers, holding her, caressing her. Kairi's eyes were wide with shock but she didn't push him away. He eventually let her go.

"Riku…" Kairi trailed off as she ran out of the bathroom, her soft pink boots squeaking against the wet floor.

Riku left the grimy bathroom and sat in the front yard of Destiny Islands High School. About five minutes later, Sora stormed out of the entrance.

"WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING, KISSING MY GIRLFRIEND?!?" Sora screamed. He grabbed Riku by his yellow vest.

Riku looked at Sora, "You don't get it, do you?"

"DON'T GET WHAT?" Sora spat. He curled his right hand into a ball and smashed it against Riku's face. He let go and let Riku crumble to the ground.

"YOU KNOW HOW MUCH KAIRI MEANS TO ME! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? YOU'VE EVEN TOLD ME BEFORE THAT YOU WERE OKAY WITH US TOGETHER!! WHAT'S BEEN UP WITH YOU LATELY?"

"Ugh…"

"YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND!! WHY DID YOU- Riku, are you okay?"

Riku was on the ground groaning. His face was contorted with pain and he was more pale than usual. His right arm was holding his right hip.

"Did I punch you that hard?' Sora asked worriedly. When Riku didn't answer, Sora took Riku's arms and removed them from his hip. Both his arms and his jeans were soaked in blood.

"RIKU!" Sora screamed as he looked around, "SOMEONE CALL 911!"

Riku opened his eyes, "It's…Xemnas…"

With tears in his eyes, Sora pulled Riku's pants down slightly so he could see Riku's hip. There was no wound in his skin; the blood seemed to evaporate from his insides.

"What? Riku, is this because of Xemnas? IS this what you were trying to say? SOMEONE, ANYONE, CALL 911!" Sora yelled, looking around. Nobody was on the street today.

Riku started to stand up, "This isn't what I wanted to say…Come one, it's not as complex as that."

"DON'T STAND UP!"

Riku staggered up and put his left arm behind Sora. He brought it forward with a thump.

"Ri…ku…"

Riku ran with tears in his eyes towards the play island. He jumped into his boat and paddled there. Then he stumbled onto the sand and sobbed. He was on his knees, pounding the ground with his fists. Blood leaked from his hip.

He's left me behind for Kairi…He doesn't realize…He never will…Nobody cares…I'm on my knees…Won't someone forgive me? Can't somebody erase my sins, giving me a chance to start over? Can't somebody understand?


And that was the end of it. Sora never came tofind me. I even gave him two weeks by living here. The bleeding eventually stopped back then. But that all ends now.

Green eyes stared at that simple little drawing.

It was a drawing that symbolized Sora's and Kairi's love. They had drawn their faces and then later, drawn paopu fruits beneath their mouths.

Tears fell to the ground.

It's so lonely…

Riku became overcome with emotion. He immediately swiped a knife out of his pants and began slicing his skin, the crimson pain emerging from the cuts. His hip began bleeding again from emotional stress. A scream of anguish left his throat.

What have I done to deserve this?

Riku's arms became tattered and in ribbons. Tears leaked from his eyes. Agony shrieked through his body, wracking him with pain. Drops of blood fell to the ground, staining the once golden sand. His life began to flash before his eyes.

'Once we step through, we might not be able to come back. We may never see our parents again. There's no turning back. But this may be our only chance. We can't let fear stop us! I'm not afraid of the darkness!'

'Wait a second, where's Kairi?'

'RIKU!'

'But, Sora, I thought you liked games. Or are you too cool to play them now that you have the Keyblade?'

' The Heartless obey me now, Sora. Now I have nothing to fear.'

'You're stupid. Sooner or later they'll swallow your heart.'

'Not a chance. My heart's too strong.'

'So, you finally made it. About time. I've been waiting for you. We've always been rivals, haven't we? You've always pushed me as I've always pushed you.'

'But that's impossible. How did this happen? I'm the one who fought my way here with the Keyblade!'

'You were just the delivery boy. Sorry, your part's over now. Here, go play hero with this.'

'You're wrong, Riku. The darkness may destroy my body, but it can't touch my heart. My heart will stay with my friends. It'll never die!'

'What? You're saying my heart's weaker than his?'

'It is I, Ansem, the seeker of darkness.'

'Take care of her.'

'What are you making me choose now?'

'Will you take the road to light — or the road to darkness?'

'Neither. I'm taking the middle road.'

'You mean the twilit road to nightfall?'

'No...The road to dawn.'

'His eyes couldn't lie.'

'Lie? And just who were you trying to fool? Huh? Huhhh?'

'Myself.'

It's the end…

Of everything…

But I'm not complaining.

A/N: Somethings didn't make sense like 'That's the day when I started cutting again.' And why there was no wound yet Riku was bleeding. There's a point. Read the next chapter.