Chapter 7 – With This Ring, I Thee Wed

Summary: Isshin grabbed his son by the shoulders and pretended to dust an invisible layer of dirt. "There, there," he said in a stage whisper, in a tone as if talking to a preschooler about to start school alone. "It's no big deal, you can do this Ichigo. So, who's the stud, eh? You are!"

Fiction Rating: M for mature content. Lots of swearing and other stuff here. The much-requested 'lemon' scene will also be here.

Characters: Rukia, Ichigo and a whole lot of people from Soul Society and Karakura.

Disclaimer: The day I get a gigai of Ichigo is the day I own Bleach. Until then, a plushie will suffice. (If anyone interpreted this in a perverted manner, stay away from me, you sicko!)

SPOILERS: I spoil all!

WARNING: Crack, crack, and even more jaw-dropping crack! Once again a couple of OOC moments can be found here for most of the characters, but I really didn't want to take them out, so bear with them again. Plus, since this is about a wedding, there's a fluff-alert, so please watch out for your blood sugar levels.

Ichigo stood uncomfortably, tugging the bow of his tux. This would have to be the last time he'd wear such an uncomfortable monkey suit. It was a cool day, for crying out loud, so why was he sweating?

"Quit messing your tie, Kurosaki." Ishida hissed, giving the groom a glacial stare.

Ichigo sighed at his best man. "It's darn uncomfortable!"

From the pews across him, Isshin raised a thumb up in salute.

He and Rukia agreed on a modern church wedding, as opposed to the original suggestion of Byakuya to hold a traditional Kuchiki ceremony in Seiretei. Instead of inviting hundreds of supporters, acquaintances, and loyal followers, the two decided to invite only a few people to witness their union. Rukia explained to her brother that she wanted a small and intimate wedding that was simple yet more memorable.

Ichigo took care not to mention that the monkey suit was one thing, but to be paraded like an actual monkey to Kuchiki guests was another.

They only invited family, close friends, and the shinigami taichos and fukutaichos.

As the strings of the wedding march was played, Ichigo stood up straighter. He decided to pay attention to the flowers decorating the church so as to quell the hell butterflies that were running amuck in his stomach.

Isshin's characteristically loud voice was heard sobbing, "Oh Masaki, our son is FINALLY getting married! AT LONG LAST! Now we can look forward to have many, many grandchildren!"

A ping-pong ball courtesy of his son flew across and hit Isshin smack on the forehead.

"Shut it, old man!" hissed Karin, who stomped her heeled foot on her father's shin.

"Ichigo looks like he's going to faint." Renji snickered to Hisagi.

Tatsuki, the one who was – unfortunately – seated between them stifled a long-suffering sigh.

"Bet you he's going to bolt."

"Double says he's going to throw up."

"Ken-chan!" Yachiru's voice was heard chirping, "The dress itches! Scratch it!"

"What the hell are you, five?" Zaraki grumbled.

"Zaraki-Taicho…. You do NOT swear in a church…." Inoue said nervously to the pair behind her.

As per request of Rukia, she would have no attendant, save her brother who would be walking her down the aisle. On Ichigo's part on the other hand, only Ishida – his best man – would be allowed to stand near the altar.

Okay, so it was weird; but it was their wedding, and they didn't want anyone's judgment on that matter. In Ichigo's opinion, if they allowed anyone to get near them during the ceremony, they were sending out signals that they were open to ill-needed suggestions and advices.

After the fiasco with Isshin and the rest of the guests, the couple became adamant about their privacy. This time, the word was out: there would be no interferences on the subject of kids, like when they wanted to have one and how many they wanted to have.

This was all too vehemently pointed out to Byakuya and Isshin last night, when Urahara presented them with a new gigai for Rukia. For Ichigo, the idea of having Rukia and his unborn child vulnerable and defenseless like regular human beings for 9 months was still a sore topic.

Isshin solemnly promised not to mention the matter again… until next year, that is.

The doors were suddenly thrown open and Rukia stepped in, holding on to the arm of her brother.

Suddenly, Ichigo forgot to breathe.

He had to admit, Ishida outdid himself with the wedding dress. The white, off-shoulder spun silk and winter ermine-bordered gown looked like something that a medieval princess – or a snow queen – would wear. It had a simple, clingy bodice, long and tight sleeves, and a full-length skirt with silver embroidery that reached the floor. Wrapped low around her hips was a belt that Byakuya had requested Ishida to. It was made from five strands of small, round diamonds loosely clasped together to a platinum buckle with a blue stone that was set against her left hip bone. Instead of a veil, her gown had a 10-meter long monarch train. In her one hand, Rukia held an all-white cascade bouquet of Phalaenopsis orchids and Stephanotis blossoms. Her dark, shoulder-length hair was brushed and held back by a none-too-simple diadem studded with smaller diamonds.

In true Rukia fashion, the bride did not walk slowly or had a bashful and blushing expression on her face. Instead, she strode purposely towards the altar, head held up high, clear eyes focused unwaveringly at Ichigo, with her brother on tow.

Her movements signified that she was sure of her decision to be with him forever and that she had no hesitations or apprehensions whatsoever. She would accept him – his moods, his strength, his weaknesses. None of these things mattered much to her, if any at all. For as long as he was there, there would be no second thoughts.

She would be his rock, his anchor, and his eternal wife.

Everyone in the church could see that.

Even before she reached the steps on the altar, Ichigo was already in front of her, meeting Rukia halfway. It was his eagerness that amused many, and it was his graciousness towards Byakuya as he inclined his head (regardless of the fact that he was given a hurt-her-and-you-die-over-and-over-again look) in thanks to the protective brother that made some chuckle.

However, it was the way he looked at his bride and held out his hand confidently at her that made the rest smile. There was no missing that appreciative and possessive gleam in his eyes that spoke volumes. Nor did they miss the fact that Ichigo took extra care in assisting her up the steps, as though she was a porcelain doll.

He would cherish her, take care of her, protect her, and love her.

These were their own souls' vows and they never needed any words.

As the couple faced each other on the altar, Kyoraku was amused to discover that his fukutaicho was trying to discreetly wipe the moisture that was building in her eyes.

He handed her a pink handkerchief. "Allergies, Nanao-chan?" he pretended to ask worriedly, giving her an easy way out. Nanao was never the one to show emotions. "Or did it hurt when I stepped on your foot earlier?"

Nanao was silent for a while. "I always cry at weddings." She whispered hoarsely.

There was a clinking of the silverware against crystal goblets as the best man stood up to make his prepared speech.

"I hope to god he says something right this time." Muttered Ichigo to a baffled Rukia.

Ishida looked at the couple before facing the guests. "This is a wedding of two stupid people."

Gasps were heard.

"Listen here, you moron!" Ichigo started hotly, as his wife pulled out a soul candy dispenser from a garter under her skirt. For a while, his attention was riveted as he saw the silken garter against her thigh.

Rukia gave him a look that clearly spoke of a promise of either pleasure or pain, depending on his actions.

"Ishida!" he was able to snap.

"Hold your horses… Kurosakis." Ishida drawled. "As I was saying, this is a wedding of two stupid people who were too blind to see what everyone in this room saw before."

Byakuya discreetly removed his hand from Senbonzakura's hilt.

Ishida glared at Ichigo. "Both were too idiotic to realize just what they felt. I think everyone in Seiretei and Karakura knew it first."

The guests broke into appreciative laughter as the newlyweds turned red.

"For normal people, the idea of endearments was to call each other pet names like love, sweetheart, and the stuff. For these two, these were 'bitch,' 'stupid midget,' 'idiot bastard,' and 'moron.'

"I am so going to kill Ishida." Ichigo gritted angrily as the guests laughed loudly, embarrassed at being put on the spot.

"I got first dibs on decapitating him." Came Rukia's terse reply.

"And heaven help those who dared to mention that they had feelings for each other. These two displayed extreme denial, tremendous anger, remarkable bargaining, extraordinary depression, and finally – the overdue acceptance. Figures, shinigami realize love through the stages of death."

Ishida raised his glasses, "There will be no more talk about children today, for the groom's sake, but Chad expresses his desire to be a godfather – so indulge your friend, Kurosaki." He said, looking meaningfully at the two.

"Let's all toast to Ichigo and Rukia: he was willing to lay down his life in hell to die for her, and she was willing to stand up from heaven to live for him."

"Ichigo and Rukia." They murmured as one.

"Can I have some cake now?" Yachiru called out from somewhere.

It was amidst the full-blown shindig that was enjoyed by the guests that the newlyweds decided to leave.

After Rukia had danced with her brother and father-in-law, Ichigo signaled that they were supposed to leave.

"Nee-san!" Cried Kon, as he flung his small body against Rukia's chest. "Take me with you! Take me with you!"

Ichigo grabbed Kon by the tail and yanked him off his wife. "What did I tell you earlier?" he asked in scorching tones. Karin and Yuzu had caught Kon trying to sneak into Rukia's bags earlier and the idea of that just made Ichigo boil over in anger.

"Let go! Let go! I want to be with Nee-san! Don't take Nee-san from me!" Kon shouted as Ichigo brought him close to his face. Kon tried to kick Ichigo's face but the other just held him a good deal away. "I hate you, Ichigo! You're not taking my Nee-san from me!"



Ichigo looked at the Quincy. "This one here volunteers to be the model for your latest bridal wear."

Kon gasped "NO I didn't!"

Ishida gave Kon a look. "Well, not my usual cup of tea, but I guess that will do. I'm expanding into a doll clothing line anyway. Let me have him."

"NO!" Shouted Kon, "This is injustice and unfair treatment of stuffed plushies! I'll sue you for everything you own!"

Ichigo smiled darkly. "I'll be wanting pictures, Ishida."

Suddenly, Isshin whizzed by to grab his daughter-in-law in a tight bear hug. "RUKIA-CHAN! Poppa is so glad to have you in his family!"

"Kurosaki-dono… Uncle…."

"Rukia-chan!" Isshin cried, as tears sprang from his eyes. "Why? Why aren't you calling me dad?"

Rukia tried to smile, "Oh, sorry…errr… dad."

Isshin looked at the shinigami. "Remember, kick Ichigo once every morning; just so he remembers that he's married to you; kick him once every evening, so he doesn't think too much about his work; and should you suspect something – like see a lipstick mark on his clothing, or if he buys a new perfume, he might be having an illicit, torrid, and steamy affair – don't forget that poppa is here to help you find that cheap, cunning hussy –

"CUT IT OUT!" cried Ichigo, as he kicked his father on the head, sending him smack down the carpet.

Isshin sat up abruptly, "Hey, don't blame me for being over-protective of Rukia-chan! Newlyweds are more prone to the temptations of the flesh! I promise to be there to help Rukia-chan when she cries and falls into pieces. Of course, the girls and I will find that dirty woman you're having an affair with –

"I am NOT having an affair, nor will I have one!"

"You better not be."

Ichigo froze at the tone. Slowly, he turned his head to see Kuchiki Byakuya looking over his sister's shoulder and giving him a stare so frosty, Ichigo was surprised that he was still breathing.

Rukia was about to open her mouth to speak when she felt someone tug at the sleeve of her gown.

It was Inoue. "Um… Kuchiki – errr, Kurosaki-san – no, it sounds confusing…."

"Rukia will do, Inoue." She said gently.

"Rukia-san," Inoue said. "Good luck…"

"Huh? On what, Inoue?"

Inoue fidgeted uncomfortably, "Well, on the uncomfortable and painful honeymoon…"

Rukia's jaw dropped open as the room fell silent. Unknown to her, the guests were actually waiting for this particular statement to be mentioned.

Urahara sighed – he was wearing a smart-looking tux so as not to embarrass a well-dressed Yoruichi (who had on a coral-colored dress with a gravity-defying bodice, by the way), but he still wore his geta sandals and hideous bucket hat. Without another word, he forked out a wad of cash and tossed it out to Isshin's waiting hand.

"Beat that, Matsumoto." The gloating voice of Hitsugaya was heard echoing across the room, "You lose; that means extra paperwork and overtime for a week."

"But Taicho!"

Isshin grabbed his son by the shoulders and pretended to dust an invisible layer of dirt. "There, there," he said in a stage whisper, in a tone as if talking to a preschooler about to start school alone. "It's no big deal, you can do this Ichigo. So, who's the stud, eh? You are!"

Ichigo felt like choking on his own spit.

"That's it, my boy!" he cried, giving Ichigo a hearty slap on the back. "Go get her, tiger!"

Nearby, a flaming-faced Rukia wondered just how far the Kuchiki name could dispel any feeling of queasiness. The merits of fainting seemed to be promising, if not for her Nii-sama standing beside her and sending impassive glances her way.

"Loads of luck, Rukia-san! Just remember what we talked about." Inoue called out loudly, ignoring the fact that Tatsuki was pulling on her arm. "Don't worry, we'll be cheering for you! Kurosaki-kun, do your best, ne?"

"Throw the bouquet, Rukia-san!" Hinamori called out.

"Kurosaki-kun better remember about the Sakura analogy." Kyoraku whispered furtively to Ukitake.

Byakuya stepped in front of Ichigo to give him a warning look.

In horror and humiliation, Ichigo forgot the rest of the program, as he stepped to the side. Quickly, he grabbed hold of Rukia's arm and dashed out of the room with her.

"Waaahhh! Ken-chan, midget forgot to throw the bouquet!" Wailed Yachiru; "now I couldn't catch it and get married too!"

Yoruichi chuckled "What do you know," the dark-skinned woman said to herself, amused, "He's in a hurry after all."

It was late evening when Ichigo and Rukia reached the lakefront luxury home where they would be staying for their honeymoon.

The aptly – or unoriginal, in Ichigo's view – named Tranquility Manor was a large, three storey structure done in the Queen Anne style of architecture. It was built on a fairly large property that had 15 bedrooms with baths, a stable, a large greenhouse filled with roses, a swimming pool, tennis and basketball court, an outdoor Jacuzzi, and an observation deck with a telescope. In short, Tranquility Manor was ideal for long vacations and honeymoons.

"Oh god, I can't believe that Inoue just had to say it." Rukia moaned piteously.

"What did you expect?" Scoffed Ichigo, "This is Inoue that we're talking about. It's my old man I can't believe."

Rukia made a move to say something in retort when she spotted the wonderful view of a clear full moon that was reflected in the serene surface of the water. The two had decided to spend their honeymoon in a place that had less people than go to a crowded beach or a noisy casino. After all, shinigami on vacation deserved moments of peace and quiet, and this place was it. Far from the busy streets and away from large crowds, they immediately settled on booking the whole place to themselves.

The caretaker walked up to meet them and she gaped at the opulent gown that Rukia was wearing. The bunched hem was held up to her knees so as not to soil the pristine fur that lined them. Rukia was burdened by such a heavy load and yet Ichigo made no move to help her. "Oh hello, I'm Keiko, welcome to Tranquility Manor. Your things have already been laid aside by the advance party, and everything's all set." She handed Ichigo a set of large keys. "There's already a prepared meal in the kitchens and the master bedroom on the East Wing of the second floor has been prepared and turned down. The staff will be back tomorrow at 6am to cook breakfast and attend to you as well." Keiko smiled, "enjoy your evening."


"Aren't you supposed to carry me across the threshold?" Rukia asked as they made their way indoors.

"Please," scoffed Ichigo, "like this is even OUR threshold. Besides, I've been lugging you on my back all these years, don't I get a break?"

Rukia smiled sweetly before she hiked up her skirt again and kicked him on the shin – hard. "Oh my, dearest, are you all right?" she asked in an overly sweet voice, laced with sarcasm.

"Midget bitch!" Howled Ichigo as he hopped on one leg in pain.

"Spineless bastard." She retorted in kind as she stomped into the mansion, grumbling about unromantic husbands. Midway into the foyer she stopped dead in her tracks, "Ichigo, WHAT is that?" she asked pointing to a large wood carving of two hideously shaped things that seemed to be wrestling – in her humble opinion.

"No shit." Muttered Ichigo, wincing in pain as he tested his leg. "It's an embarrassing fertility statute."

Rukia raised an eyebrow in distaste as she looked for a note. "Well, it's from Ishida."

"Figures. He's a tasteless idiot."

"He's a renowned fashion designer."

"Just shows what kind of taste the general public has." Ichigo snickered as he picked up a fertility talisman from Renji that was hanging from a post. "Somebody better teach these idiots how to be subtle." He said as he spied several more charms hanging from almost every corner.

"Well it's your fault." Rukia admonished as she frowned at the cowry shells along the tables that lined the walls. Honestly, what was with all these charms and well wishes for, anyway? "You could have just said something to them."

Ichigo gave her a horrified look. "Are you even thinking? Do you have any idea on the kind of uproar we would be unleashing? As if your brother didn't have reason enough to kill me before!"

"My Nii-sama would not be that barbaric!"

"Right." He said in disbelief, "So you think that he wouldn't castrate me if I stepped up to him and said, 'Hey, Byakuya, you know what? I've been doing your sister since our second year in Todai, I hope its all good with you."

"First year; get your facts straight!"

"What difference does it make?" Ichigo paused "First year? Really?"

Rukia gave him a severe glare. "I hope they tidied up other bedrooms for you." She said coldly before marching upstairs.

He gaped back at her retreating form "What?"

"Clean your ears so you can hear well!" she shouted at him.

Ichigo dashed up the stairs, "Don't be an idiot, this is our honeymoon for crying out loud!"

"So? Like you'd even remember this anyway?"

Angrily, Rukia tried the doors to check which one was the master bedroom. Most of her choices were wrong and she marched on in irritation. Honestly, trust a man to forget important occasions. Rukia had a hunch her boorish spouse wouldn't even remember what she wore to the wedding.

"Come on, Rukia, like it was a big deal that I should remember –

"Why not, its not like I forgot."

"But that was the last day of our freshman year at Todai!" he whined, giving his wife an exasperated look. "You weren't even coherent then!"

"Oh so a walk would make you recall? I was drunk and even I remembered it!" Rukia grated out as she finally found the bedroom she was looking for. Wordlessly, she attempted to push Ichigo out after she opened the lights.

"Oh no you don't." He said, planting his hands against the doorpost. "I DEMAND to be let in."

Rukia screeched, "DEMAND? You dare make demands on a Kuchiki?"

"Face it lady, several hours ago you became a Kurosaki." Ichigo said giving her a rare smile.

The small shinigami stopped pushing him. "Don't you dare forget it – moron."

"Like I would – idiot."

The two looked at each other for a moment before Ichigo's hand shot out and grabbed Rukia by the waist and pulled her against him.

"Don't think that for a moment –

"Put your mouth to good use, Kurosaki." Ichigo snarked, as he bought his lips down to meet hers.

Just as passionately as they were arguing, the two kissed each other heatedly. Impatient, Ichigo dragged his wife into the room after kicking the door shut. Quickly, Rukia's hands tugged at the bow around his neck and she expertly unbuttoned the crisp white dress shirt of his tuxedo with just one hand.

"You're getting good at this," said Ichigo as he shrugged off his jacket, "Have you been practicing in my closet again?"

"A Kuchiki… is known for… meticulously… perfecting tasks." She mumbled against Ichigo's mouth, moaning as pulled her up against him. Instinctively, her legs wrapped themselves around his waist. Then, his hand hiked her gown's skirts up so he could run his hands across her legs.

"Well, Kurosakis happen to be fast learners…" he said heatedly as he fumbled with the back of her gown, trying to find the damned zipper. To his surprise and disappointment, he was met with small buttons made from round pearls. "Whose idiotic idea was it was to use buttons?"

"Ishida and Nii-sama. It looks better, actually."

"Sadists." Ichigo growled as he fumbled with the small buttons with little success. "DAMN!"

Rukia pushed him away, "Mind the dress! They cost a fortune!"

"What? I thought it was only a couple of hundred dollars?" He asked in surprise, "I mean the silk may be imported, but –

"Well, I lied." Rukia said as she slid off him. "Triple the cost of our house, Ichigo."

Ichigo stepped back in surprise. "WHAT? But, the budget…"

"Nii-sama paid for it. Honestly, how much do you think that spun silk from Seiretei costs, anyway? The winter ermine fur came from Nii-sama's private collection, so did those rare pearls, and the diamonds."

Wordlessly, Ichigo eyed the belt. "You mean to tell me, they're real? I thought they were made from glass!"

"Moron! This," Rukia said, pointing to the blue stone on the buckle of the belt "is a one-of-a-kind diamond that can only be found in Soul Society."

"No kidding! Where did he get the money to pay for that, anyway?" a baffled Ichigo asked.

Rukia sighed. "They're part of my dowry, Ichigo."

"It's the modern times! You don't need a dowry!" An affronted Ichigo said. The thing that irked him though was the fact that a dowry also served as a financial protection of a bride in the event of a divorce.

That two-faced weasel which was named Byakuya had the gall of lecturing him on fidelity while here he was putting notions of divorce in Rukia's head.

Seeing the building rage in her husband's face, Rukia sighed. "That's precisely the reason why I didn't to tell you about it in the first place."

Ichigo fairly shook in anger. "Why?"

"Because you wouldn't understand… This dowry thing is only symbolic, Ichigo. Nii-sama didn't want to offend you intentionally."

"Is it a symbolism of all that Kuchiki shit and that I can't provide for a noble?"

He really was angry. Rukia closed her eyes briefly, trying to gain some calm. "Ancient history was not your good point back at college, Ichigo." She said wearily. "In the old times, a woman's worth was measured by her dowry. Did you honestly think that Nii-sama would offer my weight in gold, or a hundred heads of cattle?" She honestly hoped that she wouldn't need to explain in detail.

Unfortunately, Ichigo was still not getting it. He was looking at her like she betrayed him and that was just something she couldn't stand. It only forced Rukia to spell it out for him, in blunt terms.

"The elders didn't think that Nii-sama should give anything, who am I anyway, but a Rukongai brat adopted into their clan." She said somberly, looking at a spot on the carpet.

Ichigo just looked at her. What?

Then he realized the implications, and the veiled insult.

Byakuya was making a statement to the elders of the Kuchiki clan. Of all people it was him and Rukia who knew just how much she was considered to be an usurper, an unwelcome member of their noble line. For all their fanatic idealism that nobles were better and the Kuchiki clan was a pure and unmatched line, they stand to lose everything should their clan head die without a son. Then everything that belonged to the Kuchikis will be given to Rukia – a Rukongai bred orphan who had the luck of being adopted into the family. More than a harsh word, or a strong slap, her presence was the biggest form of insult and humiliation to all of the members.

Thus, their treatment of Rukia was that of venomous indifference tinged with envy and greed.

Naturally, in the event that Rukia would get married, the more threatened the clan would be, for the woman they despised would gain a family and a pillar of support to protect her more from the mechanisms of the elders that wanted to use her for their advancement. The moment Rukia would have children spelled disaster for any claim of theirs to the Kuchiki fortune, as Byakuya made it clear that she was his heir apparent.

Instead of forcing Rukia to marry into a noble family to gain acceptance, Byakuya allowed her to marry an ex-ryoka; but he gave a dowry worth more than her weight in gold. "He did it for you."

Rukia shook her head and she gave him a wry smile. "I'm used to it Ichigo; I think he did it for you, so you wouldn't hear anything said about me or my marriage to you."

Oh god, they really were such bastards.

Ichigo forced himself to get rid of the anger. Carefully, he tilted her chin so he could see her face clearly. "Promise me one thing." He asked in a whisper.

"Anything." She whispered back.

"I don't want to meet those bastards – ever. I would really kill them, you know. And that would be a really bad thing in your brother's book."

A small smile found its way onto Rukia's lips. "I solemnly swear."

"Good. Now… get out of that thing; it's too damn delicate for you."

Rukia 'lovingly' gave her husband a hard whack on the head that sent him sprawling all over the plush carpet.

"No, seriously, what are these things?" Ichigo called out as he looked at the huge boxes that were set in the receiving area of their insanely huge master suite.

"They're from my bridal shower." Rukia replied from the bathroom.

Ichigo sat on the carpet and looked at them. Slowly, he tried to pry it open, but a spurt of electric current flowed out.

"I have to warn you Ichigo," Rukia called out again as Ichigo placed his smarting finger in his mouth to cool it before he wiped it on his pajamas. "I think Hinamori and Nanao rigged them with Kidou so you can't open them."

"Thanks for the warning." He muttered sarcastically, wondering what in the world possessed Rukia to order him to change into his pajamas so she could show him the gifts that the women gave her. Honestly, the woman had no clear priorities, this was THEIR honeymoon, damn it!

Suddenly, there was a loud and unmistakable sound of a cell phone chirping somewhere. "This better not be a freaking hollow." Muttered Ichigo darkly, as he stalked over to a chair where his discarded trousers were. He dug into the pockets quickly, as the shrill ring tone (the Chappy theme of course, what would it be after Rukia got her hands on the phone?) grated on his nerves.

Oh hell. Apocalypse has come upon earth; his idiotic father was on the other line. Ichigo was tempted, very tempted, to throw the phone out the window. However, it could be a far possibility that there was trouble and Ichigo considered certain things as an emergency, and his family was one of them. "What?" he snarled.


The serious tone cut back any protests that were coming out of his mouth. Ichigo was now all ears. "Pops? Is anything wrong? Why do you sound so far away?"

"DID YOU TWO DO IT YET?" Isshin boomed over the phone, causing Ichigo to wince in discomfort.

"DAMN YOU!" Shouted Ichigo "Quit annoying me, old man –

"Why are you taking so long? Are you sure you know what to do?"

Ichigo felt like breaking something, preferably his father's neck. "Perverted old geezer! –

"I'm your FATHER, Ichigo," bemoaned Isshin in a dejected tone. Ichigo was sure that the faker had crocodile tears streaming down his face. "All I want is for you to be happy, content, and sexually satisfied; can you blame me for wanting that for you? What father doesn't want their sons to be able to bask in the soothing afterglow of a fiery orgasm –

"When I get the chance, you are DEAD." Shouted Ichigo.

"TELL MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!" whined Isshin.

Annoyed at his father and the situation, Ichigo gripped the phone tightly in his hands. "The fact that I am here, indulging you with this pointless conversation, proves WHAT again, exactly?"

There was a pregnant pause.

"Oh." Isshin said quietly. "Sorry kid."

There were muffled noises in the background, but they were immediately silenced.

"Hey, what was that?"

"Er… nothing, I just… tripped." Isshin said, laughing gaily.

"You owe me, Isshin!" A triumphant voice called out.

Ichigo's ears twitched. That voice… "URAHARA!" he bellowed. "What the hell are you doing – hey! Is this conversation on speaker phone?"

To his mortification, he heard several people laughing out loud. What kind of terrible deed had he done before, do deserve a father like Isshin? His face was red with humiliation and anger. "Stop calling me, assholes!" he shouted into the phone, as he furiously hung up. Fuming, he paced the room, thinking about how to extract vengeance.

The phone rang again. "Listen, you sick pervert –


Aww crap.

Why him? Ichigo desperately tried to relieve a building headache by massaging the bridge of his nose. "What is it, Byakuya?" (Ichigo could definitely hear someone snickering in the background)

"Remember that my sister is to be treated –

"Yes, I know." Ichigo gritted out, aware that the entire conversation was available for everyone he knew to listen into. The faster he can get his brother-in-law (and Ichigo shudders at this thought) off the line, the better for him and his reputation.

"If you just agreed to learn the Kuchiki Way –

"Don't you even start with the sex tips."

Suddenly, a voice piped up. "There's a Kuchiki Tradition of having sex?"

With that, the room burst into a chaotic scene resembling the carnage of the winter war.

"Didn't know –

"Is that why you have women throwing themselves at you –

"Wow, I', impressed –

"Can I learn that?"

"Which part of the 'Kuchiki Tradition' that Taicho said didn't you hear?"

At this, Ichigo smugly shut off the phone. As extra precaution, he removed the batteries and hid the mobile unit in a drawer by the nightstand.

Finally; peace and quiet. If one for a week or two, but it was worth it for Ichigo.

The door to the bathroom suite opened. "Who was on the phone?"

Ichigo just gaped at her.

"Are you… okay?" she asked hesitantly, hiding a triumphant smirk behind a mask of outward confusion.

Rukia was wearing THE peignoir.

As his wife walked towards him and started to open the boxes, Ichigo discreetly wiped the blood from his apparent nosebleed. At this vantage point, he could see the smooth skin of her spectacularly shaped legs from the discreet parting of her robe.

Damn! For a short-limbed person like Rukia, it was really surprising that she had one of the best legs he had ever seen. They were slim, well-proportioned, and silky smooth.

Ichigo had long realized that he was more turned on with killer legs than great racks. No wonder he almost had heart palpitations back in high school. Those dastardly short skirts really showed off a side of Rukia he was surprised to see. Actually, he had no problems with her wearing Yuzu's dresses anyway. For Rukia, the shorter the hemlines, the better.

Just as long as no one else saw those legs other than him.

He was still to confess that he had always been anticipating a day where their shinigami exploits would make Rukia accidentally flash her underwear. The rare times it happened, Ichigo often found himself light-headed and just itching to grab her.

"R-ru-kia…" he stuttered. "Wh-where… d-did you buy… th-that?"

"This thing? Oh, Yuzu and Karin gave them to me."

Ichigo reminded himself to buy those two gifts. He knew there was a reason why he really loved his sisters.

"Okay, so you want to see them?"

"Eh?" he asked, confused.

Rukia laughed, "The gifts Ichigo, what else?"

Hell, what gifts? There was still a lot more he wanted to see; things that Rukia's Peignoir had been maddeningly hinting at him. "Uh… sure."

Rewarding him with a flirty smile, Rukia opened the box and took out a box. "This is from Inoue."

Curious, Ichigo opened the box. Suddenly, his face flamed as if set afire. "What the hell!" he barked out in outraged surprise. "Why did Inoue give you that?" Damn, did Inoue have a grudge against him or something? First the idea for his stag party and her bridal shower; now, he gave Rukia a vibrator.

His wife just shrugged. "Who knows?" She asked innocently, "I might need one."

"WHAT?" Ichigo gritted out. "Trust me, you won't need that – ever."

"Oh, and what if I'm staying over at Sereitei then?"

"What makes you think I won't be there too?"

"It's in a NEON color, Ichigo." Rukia added sweetly, taking on her ditzy girl tone. Laughing as Ichigo made a move to grab her arm, but Rukia was faster and she avoided being caught.

"Don't you want to see Tatsuki's gift?" she asked, holding out a bag. Grinning, she handed it to her husband.

"Mind telling me why I have to do this?" Ichigo asked in irritation. His brow shot up as he encountered the many bottles of energy drinks."

Rukia laughed, "Tatsuki seems to think you need them."

"I am really going to strangle that Tatsuki when I see her next." Ichigo muttered darkly. Honestly what was it with his supposed friends? Not only were they prying into his personal business, they also go out of their way to insult him. Like hell he would need an energy drink!

"Unless you plan on just a few rounds, you'd need that." Rukia purred, "Trust me on it."

Despite being annoyed, Ichigo felt a grin spread on his face. Oh yes, he was now aware of what this minx was planning. "Well? Where are the other gifts?"

Rukia pointed at another box. "Why not try opening that? Soi Fon Taicho seems to think that you'll like those." She observed the confused look on her husband's face as he rummaged through the chest. With delight, Rukia saw Ichigo's expression change from impatient annoyance to barely restrained desire and delight.

Well, it seems he found them.

"Remind me to thank Soi Fon Taicho personally." He said in breathless wonder as he looked at the array of clothing that was in the huge chest – especially that of the schoolgirl outfit.

Rukia laughed. Maybe this was not the right time to tell him that the whole secret police knew about this gift.

"What the hell is this loli dress doing in here?"

In just a few minutes, Ichigo was able to uncover the extent of the 'advice' and 'assistance' that the women gave his wife. He was a bit surprised at Matsumoto's idea, but he figured that if Hitsugaya gave him handcuffs, his fukutaicho would give something similar.

Really, those two must enjoy bondage and stuff.

Ichigo told Rukia that he was willing to go through the blindfold and binding thing if she would allow herself to be handcuffed to the bedpost. Rukia just laughed and told him she'd pencil it in their schedule.

He considered asking Rukia for a massage as well as for them to use those scented oils, but she bought out the sake from Ise fukutaicho. "So, mind telling me what they guys did?" she asked as she sat beside him on the large bed.

Ichigo grimaced. There was no way he'd tell Rukia about it this evening; chances are, she'd laugh at him the whole night through. "No sake tonight." He admonished, taking the liquor from her.

"You seem to like me drunk, remember?"

"As much as I love you going wild like a college student on spring break, I don't like to have you falling asleep in just two hours."

"So, Kurosaki, this one will keep me up all night?"

Ichigo grabbed his wife's arm and pulled so that she was draped over him. "After more than three weeks of abstinence? You better be up all night, midget."

"Then you better grab a couple of bottles of that energy drink, Ichigo." Rukia said seriously, as she launched a barrage of kisses all over his face. "You know what Yoruichi told me?" She asked, kissing his cheeks and neck.

"Is this yet another worthless gift or outdated advice?" he grumbled as he tried to capture her lips in a kiss. He felt, rather than saw his wife undo the top of his pajamas.

Quickly, Rukia pushed herself off Ichigo and stood up. "No really."

Ichigo made a move to answer, but his hand tipped back a certain pink-colored bag. He wondered what was inside it, but a red-faced Rukia said while putting it aside that it was from Yachiru and it was a good and recommended addition for their breakfast for the next day.

"I give up, what is it?" Ichigo asked; it was always for the best to just agree with Rukia and get on with the program.

Wordlessly, and with a mysterious grin on her face, Rukia slid the robe off her peignoir. Ichigo gaped at surprise as the chiffon slid from his wife's smooth and fair limbs. Damn, he thought, his mouth dry, Karina and Yuzu really outdid themselves… and yeah, Yoruichi too…

Though she was still clothed, the sinfully sheer silk did nothing to hide her naked form underneath. The sight of her made Ichigo fully aware that his pajamas were becoming noticeably uncomfortable.

Rukia watched the expression on his face. It was something that was a combination of appreciation, disbelief, possessiveness, affection, and a flattering degree of lust.

Well, if the bulge in his pajama bottoms was not indication enough, the dilation of his pupils was also a dead giveaway. Oh, but she was far from finished.

Without breaking eye contact, Rukia slowly brought her hand to the ribbon in front of her nightie. Leisurely, as if she had all time in the world, she ran her index finger up and down the scrap of silk. Deliberately, she pulled at the ribbon ever so-slowly until the silk lace was completely removed. Without the straps, the front loosened considerably and the flimsy fabric slipped of her nude body.

"Damn." Ichigo said hoarsely, gulping as his wife gave an adorable pout. This was even better than the first time where they were inebriated enough to worry about inhibitions. "You want to know what I got from the guys?" he asked, grabbing her arm and pulling her towards him so they were sprawled on the bed.

"All talk, no action."

"Why you…" he murmured as he gently rolled her onto her back. Quickly, he captured her mouth for a searing kiss before he ventured lower, tracing unknown patterns down her neck and shoulders.

"Ticklish, aren't we?" Ichigo asked, amused to hear a soft giggle escape from his wife's lips.

Three weeks… three weeks of abstinence sure was hell for Ichigo. It was really unfair, as Rukia went out of her way to make him even more uncomfortable, goading him by wearing short skirts and form-fitting tops. What was worse, she always threw him loaded looks whenever they were out in public. Cold showers became mandatory for Ichigo; the minx knew just how much he was reacting to her, yet she continued to spur him on that Ichigo was often tempted to just pull her down on the table… on the chair… on the bed… and even on the damned floor.

There was no way he wouldn't be returning the favor. Tonight.

Intent on starting her own sweet torment, Ichigo settled himself between her as his hand drew languid circles across her inner thighs. Slowly, he traced a path down to her breast with his mouth, placing small, open-mouthed kisses on her heated skin. Without preamble, he captured a taut nipple in his mouth and teased it with his tongue, as his hand inched higher to the juncture between her legs – feeling her turning damp at his touch. Pleased at how easily she reacted to his touch, Ichigo continued on, needing such an intimate contact. Deftly, he inserted a finger inside Rukia, to tease the bud of her womanhood.

Arching her back, Rukia was unable to hold back a moan as she felt Ichigo touch her intimately. She felt her whole body grow taut as she felt pleasure crawl up her arms. "Ichigo…" she moaned, throwing her head back against the pillows as she felt herself arch to meet his touch the more. Her hands alternated between clutching his shoulders and clawing at his back while her hips undulated in an age-old dance that bespoke of her increasing passion and awareness of the pleasure. There was a slow fire that was growing brighter and hotter inside her as she felt Ichigo ease his finger in and out of her repeatedly, in a leisurely tempo that was maddening.

Just when she thought that it was more than what she could bear no more of the slow, wonderfully torturous motions, Ichigo gradually increased the pace while his mouth took on the same cadence as it continued its ministrations to the hardened nipple on her breast. Wordlessly, she reached up and tugged on his orange locks, pulling him closer. On instinct, she parted her legs farther and raised her knees, anticipating something more than just Ichigo's skilled finger.

"Not yet, Rukia." She heard him say tightly, as he too was feeling the strain of their lack of intimacy getting the best of their control.

"I…Ichi-go…now…" she panted, pulling on his hair to get closer to his warmth. She longed to have her mouth trace a path of kisses along his shoulders and chest, but as he was clearly preoccupied with her breasts, she settled with running her hands through his scalp.

But the damned strawberry was too stubborn. Ignoring the pointed tone grated by his wife, he moved to give the same ministrations to her other breast, capturing the other nipple in his mouth as he added another digit into her, increasing the pressure and the torment. "Oh god, Rukia." He muttered hoarsely against her breast. Thinking was the last thing that he was capable of doing right now; not when he could hear his wife's sexily husky moans and gasps ringing in his ears. "Rukia…"

"DAMN YOU, ICHIGO!" Rukia almost screeched; tugging at his hair frantically, as she felt her body quiver in pleasure. "I can't take it anymore!"

Seemingly, Ichigo was surprised to find that his brain was still able to function properly as he was able to process the frustrated tone in Rukia's voice. He chuckled, wanting to gloat or say something witty, but it was really impossible as all of the blood was rushing down south.

Rukia's eyes flew open as she felt the evidence of Ichigo's desire rest against her thigh. Hard. She ran her feet up and down Ichigo's leg. This was so she could let her hands tug at the bottom of his pajamas, dragging it down together with the boxers he wore. She let her hands skim over his bottom before she made her fingers flutter over it.

"Damn it, Rukia." He swore hoarsely, feeling his body scream at him to find his release. "Not yet!"

"Now!" she whimpered, her small hands going around his hips to find him and hold his hardened length, curling her fingers around it. "Ichigo…" she moaned throatily as she allowed her hands to run up and down his manhood.

Bracing himself on shaking arms, Ichigo positioned himself above Rukia's trembling body. "Look at me." He commanded hoarsely as he grabbed her legs and let them wrap around his waist. "Let me see your eyes." Before Rukia held his gaze, Ichigo roved his eyes over her. Taking appreciation at how flushed her face was, how swollen her lips were, seeing her skin tinged with marks. Marks that he himself made.

Rukia lifted her dazed eyes to meet his; for a split second, they were reminded of the time they first looked at each other this close when she transferred her shinigami powers to him.

As he brought his length towards the entrance of her womanhood, Rukia's arms automatically went around his middle.

Slowly, he allowed himself to sink into her velvety folds. "Damn!" he muttered, feeling her warmth close around him, filling his senses with Rukia's essence. She was so tight… Ichigo allowed a small growl to escape him, a primitive reaction of masculine appreciation.

Rukia felt her body clench in reaction. He was stretching her, opening her up, making himself one with her. Ichigo was now deep inside her, closer than ever, buried in the center of her being. He raised himself, withdrawing from her. Then, he sunk back; in the same torturously slow manner that made her feel pleasure so acutely, Rukia was fairly certain she was seeing stars.

As Ichigo did it again and again, Rukia felt her thighs tremble as a shiver raced up her spine. Her eyes focused on his, seeing the sheen of perspiration on his forehead. His brow was furrowed in concentration; eyes steely amber in determination, and his jaw clenched tightly – intent of making them burn in pleasure.

Suddenly, Rukia realized that she wanted to see him lose control – now. "Ichigo…" she moaned, pinching the skin that covered his broad shoulders.

"Not yet." Ichigo said heavily, as he felt Rukia try to pull him even closer. He was going to drive them to flames, even if it killed him. Hell, his will and discipline helped him conquer his inner hollow before… no way would he lose control now. Unfortunately, her whimpers and gasps were proving to be too much of a distraction. Rukia's cheeks and neck were flushed, her mouth parted as she panted, and a pink tongue darted out to moisten her lips. He could already hear the blood rushing in his ears. Reaching down, he let his hand move between them, rubbing at the sensitive spot between her legs.

The pleasure magnified a thousand fold, and Rukia felt her hips buckle and a low scream tear at her throat.

Against the white sheets and pillows, Rukia's ebony locks stood out as they were spread in enticing disarray. Those beautiful eyes of hers were open and they slid in and out of focus as pleasurable sensation swamped her.

Her eyes always looked more alive when they were making love.

"Ichigo." Moaned Rukia, her eyes once again losing focus at the haze of pleasure she was feeling. Ichigo had never been like this before. He used to tease, yes; but this… this was torture, a slow, steady fire that was consuming her inside out. The idiot really wanted her to beg. She was a Kuchiki, she never… wait. She wasn't a Kuchiki anymore. She was a Kurosaki now. "Ichigo, please!"

That was all Ichigo needed. He quickened the pace, relishing in the sounds his wife made in her throat. He could hear Rukia call out his name, over and over like a mantra.

"Faster!" Rukia urged as she squirmed, unable to stay still; her fingernails biting onto his shoulders while her legs pulled at his waist impatiently. "Harder!" She ordered almost incoherently, meeting his thrust with equal measure.

Suddenly, he could not hold out any longer.

Whatever sounds she was about to make was drowned as Ichigo brought his lips down to hers, muffling her cries of satisfaction as her release made her shake while her body thrummed with almost unbearable pleasure. He followed immediately, as he stiffened, then shuddered. Her name was on his lips when they came together. They were like a star that burned so hot, they had no other choice but to explode like a brilliant supernova, all heat and red fire in a burst of emotions, their bodies wracked with the intense feeling of their climax.

Ichigo felt his body slump over Rukia. Both were heaving with exhaustion.

Ichigo rolled to his side, bringing her close, with his length still in her. As she lay there nestled against his chest, he stroked her hair and placed breathless kisses on the top of her head.

"Three weeks?" Rukia croaked in disbelief. "I can't believe we went without sex for three weeks!"

"Oi," Ichigo said in reproach, "Don't go having a heart attack on me now." Though it was in jest, he was worried at the way his wife was gasping for air.

"Moron." She said snidely, but she kissed his chest in affection.

For a while, they were listening to each other's heart beating. Languidly, Ichigo allowed his hands to wander, gliding across the smooth skin of his wife. As always, he enjoyed holding her in his arms after the aftermath of their lovemaking. Having Rukia beside him made him more calm and happy. There was a slight grin on his face that he could not hold back as he pressed his cheek against the top of her head.

"What is it?" Rukia asked him quietly, but not without her usual matter-of-fact tone. It still amazed Ichigo after all these years that Rukia could understand the slight changes in his feelings. As if she was able to tap into his emotions and get him out of his shell. "Ichigo?"

"Its nothing" he started to say, but he changed his mind. "Okay, so its about everything." Admitted Ichigo. Heck, they were officially a married couple now; he was supposed to make an effort to communicate more. It wasn't that Rukia wouldn't understand what he was trying to say; but he just wanted to dispel any forthcoming rumor that they were having problems of any sort.

If his father or Byakuya were to think that… well, the consequences would be too drastic to imagine.

The woman in his arms shifted, so she could look up at his face comfortably. "Explain it to me Ichigo."

"Everything. About us, about you." Seeing confusion in Rukia's eyes, he decided to expound. "I was wondering really at how you're able to understand me better than anyone. How you were able to do that better than most people I've known my entire life. Its like, you KNEW what I needed and wanted even before I could tell you – and that freaked me out, but it's in a good way. Somehow, its funny that I don't think I'd be able to have this thing – this closeness with just about anyone other than you."

Rukia smiled indulgently. "I get that part, Ichigo. What you have to explain is what's bothering you about this."

"It got me thinking that it was only short of a miracle that we got here together, you know?" Ichigo looked intently at his wife. "Just imagine Rukia, what if I didn't break that binding spell? What if I listened to you and just stayed put while you rescued my family instead of rushing blindly, letting you get hurt? You wouldn't have the need to transfer your powers to me then."

There was a distinct yet subtle hint of fear in his voice but Ichigo decided for the first time that he didn't care. "I wouldn't have been a shinigami, and you…" he mumbled uncomfortably, "you would have been… killed off by Aizen."

"It wouldn't have happened, Ichigo." Rukia said confidently, surprising her husband. "Don't worry about such trivialities, idiot."

"How can you be sure?" he persisted, apparently upset at her nonchalance. Unconsciously, his hands tightened around her, drawing her closer to him; as if his hands could somehow shelter her from any impending threat or doom.

"Because you're YOU, Ichigo." Rukia said simply, reaching up to touch the angles of his face with tender hands and knowing fingers. He was perplexed, she could see, so she smiled. "You wouldn't JUST sit there, Ichigo. You would have found a way – you always will. If you didn't, you wouldn't be Ichigo, you wouldn't be the man I love."

Without warning, Ichigo pulled her closer to give her a searing kiss on the lips. Rukia's arms went around his automatically.

"I love you." Ichigo said heatedly against Rukia's lips. "You're mine now, as I am yours, midget."

"I love you too… moron."

"That settles it," Ichigo said finally, after he reluctantly pulled away from his wife. With no little delight, he took in the sight of her flushed face and her winsome smile. "No more abstinence for more than 3 days, you hear."

Rukia snorted inelegantly. "You pig; it doesn't matter with you, you'd still jump me. You can't get enough of me."

"You wanna bet?"

Rukia raised an eyebrow and glared at her husband. "You want put your money where your mouth is, idiot?"

Ichigo looked at his wife and gave her a decidedly perverse leer. "I want to put something else in my mouth."

Snickering, Rukia reached up to pull him down so they were face to face. "How about that energy drink from Tatsuki?" she said suggestively over his lips, her breath fanning his face.

In the end, it was the gifts from Mizuiro and Tatsuki that were the most appreciated that evening.

- The End.

Okay, so there's a lemon here; but it wasn't THAT graphic, since I might get into trouble with the authorities. I know it was too… tame, but well… it's my first real lemon scene. If you guys find any problem with that, PM me and let me know your thoughts.

Before anyone say that I didn't provide enough time to feature the other characters that made this fic funny, I'd just like to remind readers that this is a fic about Ichigo and Rukia… and um… sex… If you've read My Third Daughter's First Date, you'd see that I like inserting something fluffy and somewhat serious in the epilogue – which this chapter definitely is.

This brings me to the portion where I thank the readers: for those who laughed, cried, patiently waited for updates, fell off their chairs, and choked on their food and drinks while reading Sex for Dummies, my heartfelt thanks! I originally planned on writing a sequel, but I'm out of ideas as of now – so if you guys want to read something (a scene you feel that should be featured more) from this fic and its prequel, feel free to PM me and we'll see what I can do.

Meanwhile, I'm in the middle of writing an AU fanfiction about IchiRuki and I hope that you guys can watch out for it. Here's a sneak preview:

Fanfict Title: Heart's Desire

Genre: Romance, AU

Summary: In the middle of the war against the Arrancar in Hueco Mundo, Kurosaki Ichigo laid siege to the district of the noblest of all nobles. The mission: to capture and take as hostage the sister of his enemy, Kuchiki Rukia. The problem: the hostage herself.


Ichigo was lucky he was able to step back before she singed his face. Kuchiki Rukia really was a force to reckon with, she was skilled enough to cast a kido without incantations. The short window of opportunity was exploited and Rukia used the moment to disable him with a kick to the gut and another kido. "Restrain!"

The orange-haired taicho grunted as he fell to his knees. Without waiting for his reaction, Rukia decided to shunpo away. But she had hardly cleared the first kilometer when she felt a hand grab her arm.

All she could do was gasp as Kurosaki Ichigo knocked her zanpaktuo from her hand with a well-placed, successive move that hit and jarred her right wrist, elbow, and shoulder. As Sode no Shirayuki hit the ground with a dull clang, Rukia's left arm was pinned behind her as she was pulled flush against the length of Ichigo's body. "Not bad; but didn't anyone tell you that I can break through restraining kido?"

Her eyes widened. How dare he manhandle her? How dare he place her in such an undignified position?

Before Ichigo could feel the need to gloat, she reared her head back and collided it painfully with the Taicho's chin.

"Bitch!" shouted Ichigo as he threw Rukia over his shoulder. "Cease!" he ordered forcefully as he held back a flailing noblewoman who was trying to scratch or bite him into letting her go. Running out of options, he decided instead to swat her bottom several times.

"Bastard!" howled Rukia, squirming from the pain to her posterior.

"Rukia-chan!" Inoue was shouting as she neared her friend. "Kurosaki Taicho, please don't hurt her!"

Ichigo held Rukia in place by her back. "We can do this the easy way or the hard way, Lady Kuchiki; either way, you're coming with me.

"I do not yield, Kurosaki Ichigo, I do not yield!"