Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata does. If I owned Death Note, my horrid drawing would have made Rukia's look like Michaelangelo. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here. Also, safety spoilers for Final Fantasy Seven.
Episode the First: Regurgitate
Monks chant as the episode opens in the Elephant Graveyard, as the camera sweeps over the bones and….umm….okay more bones, oh wait there's a chain, ooh fresh and exciting! In the barren wasteland two young lion cubs play and frolic happily, naively oblivious to the danger they were warned existed here.
"See it's not so bad Simba, I don't know what your dad was so worried about!" the female cub destined to marry Simba, despite being, at most distant, his first cousin.
"You're right Nala, my dad, is a moron. Now I think I feel a song coming on…INCEST, INCEST IT'S THE BEST, PUT YOUR…"
Just then the two lion cubs simultaneously died of heart attacks and a perverse winged being with a grin that would scare a pedophiliac laughed maniacally before flying away.
The other grotesque inhabitants of the Elephant Graveyard made their cameo appearances. Sleepy, Indian chief, Bootstrap Bill, and antelope head.
"Hey Ryuk, care to wager some years on a game of Liar's Dice?" Bootstrap asked, "Eternity's an awful long time to be in service to Davy Jones."
"Okay, all my years against all of yours," Ryuk replied, knowing Bootstrap was the worst gambler in history. "Looks like I win, now that you've taken all the service I owe Davy Jones, I'm going ashore."
"Could you go check on my boy, he's taken an awful long time rescuing me. I swear if he makes me wait another cliffhanger movie I'll beat his pretty boy ass senseless with my bootstraps."
"Sure thing, but only if you smack that acting talentless son of a bitch once for me will ya?"
Then for no reason what so ever, suddenly change to a high school and have to listen to some slutty teenagers bitch about their problems. Oh well at least they're easier on the eyes.
"Like, OMG I like cannot believe that she like went with him!"
"She is such a slut, and she always like talks behind like other people's like backs about them"
Okay screw this, I can't take it anymore, they aren't even that hot. Let's see, who won't annoy me for the next 37 episodes in any way shape or form, hey how about this chip eating kid.
Camera pans to Light, epically eating a bag of chips.
Light: "Just as planned." Crunch
Teacher: "Light-kun, will you please read a passage that has absolutely nothing to do with you life up to this point, nor foreshadows anything that will happen in the next five years?"
Light: "Sure thing, 'Please obey God's will. If you do the blessings of the sea will fill your lives and you shall have no stormy passages"
Author's Note: the only actual line of dialogue in this episode…..Just as planned.
Teacher: "Damn it, Light-kun I said not foreshadowing your life, not foreshadowing!"
Light: "Just as…"
Teacher:"Say it and I'll throw you out of class!"
Teacher: "That's it, outta here"
Light took one more slow, epic chip bite before walking to the door and exiting the classroom.
Teacher: "Now that that distraction's gone…"
Light quickly reopened the door and shouted, "Just as planned," before slamming the door and running off, giggling like a school girl.
Voiceover news guy: "Today a 35 year old man killed his 25 year old 'roommate,' a Playstation was found in the apartment and with urging from Overprotective Parent's Council Against Video Games, police are now labeling this a case of video game violence. No word yet as to which game will the scapegoated, though leading suspects will likely be Grand Theft Auto or something having to do with World War II."
Light: "Every day it's the same thing, someone on this highly overcrowded island kills another person, and it's blamed on video games. It's because of that my mother would never buy us anything rated over E. When will they learn, it's the parent's…"
Together with Ryuk: "Fault."
Light: "Whoa, I just got the feeling someone somewhere said the exact same thing I did."
Ryuk: "Just as planned."
The next day Light was in class again not paying attention when he noticed something outside the window. Seriously I hated those kids who did nothing and still got A's!
Light: "Oh and how often did you study?"
"And what did you get?"
I'll have you know I got B's! Now get back to the story while I find someone to fix this fourth wall.
Light: "Just as planned. Anyway that notebook is falling far too slow for gravity to realistically be acting upon it. I bet if even if I sit through class and go down to it afterwards I could grab it midair."
And so Light did occasionally glancing over at the glacially slow moving Notebook from the sky. When class ended Light went down and grabbed the Notebook with a full 3 feet left to plummet.
Light: "What's this, Death Note? The person who's name in it will die. Bah, what a sick joke. Still I went to all that effort to catch it, it'd be a shame to not take it…."
And so Light fell to the first temptation of the Death Note. Later at the Yamgami residence:
Light: "Let's see, rules of the Death Note. Hmm, this is essentially an owner's manual, if I want to know how to kill people I should probably read it, nah, let's get straight to killin'!"
Light grabbed his remote and started flipping through channels looking for someone to kill.
"Let's see, Regis, not annoying enough, Oprah, too powerful," Light's indecision was saved by a stop on Court TV's coverage of the recent video game murder, "Of course, the lawyer for the parent's council against video games! If I kill him then maybe then I can get my hands on some Final Fantasy, I wanna see if you really can bring Aeris back to life."
Light wrote the lawyer's name in the Note, "Shouldn't he be dead by now, damn it this is taking too long, maybe there's something in the rules about not using it for selfish gain….I have to wait 40 seconds! Oh well it won't kill me, it's not like I'm some weird guy who eats nothing but candy and is constantly on a sugar high."
"This just in Jack Thompson is dead! He was reportedly beaten to death with an Xbox by the defendant in the case he was just in. The judge has issued an immediate ban on all video games."
"What the Hell, maybe there really is something in there about not using the Note for selfish gain!" Light scoured the rules completely, "If the Writer, hereafter referred to as Party A, attempt to kill a Mac user, hereafter referred to as Party B, with the Death Note on a Tuesday, instead of the written cause of death, Party B will instead be killed by the nearest Microsoft product."
"Ah, Gates law that one's a personal favorite of mine." The strange, grotesque man who we know, but Light does not, said appearing from nowhere. (Maybe he is a pedophile)
Death NoteTM For Dummies
If the person's name written in the Death NoteTM is a Mac User, and his name is written on a Tuesday, then that person will be killed by the nearest Microsoft item. If the person is a Linux user then he/she will be gored by a penguin. (Gate's Law)
Failure to capitalize both the D and N in Death NoteTM, as well as capitalizing the first and last name of your victims, will result in the writing utensil you are using to inscribe the names to come to life and stab you until death. Being an insane homicidal maniac is no excuse for poor grammar.
End Commercial Bump
"Ah, Gates law that one's a personal favorite of mine."
"AHHHHHH! What the Hell, man you can't just barge into someone's room like that." Light turned around, "Oh Shit! Take my money; I'll give you anything you want! I can kill people for you, just don't rape me!"
Ryuk laughed at Light, "Relax I'm not here rape you, I'm not a pedophile, like some people think…."
Don't blame me you've got a creepy smile.
"How're those fourth wall repairs going?" Light sarcastically asked.
Ok fine, invite me into the conversation then just kick me out, whatever that's cool.
Ryuk: "So kid, you like my Death Note? Sorry I scared you."
Light: "You didn't scare me; I've been waiting for you."
Ryuk: "Yeah right, you just pissed yourself."
Light: "Just as planned."
Ryuk: "Okaaay, awkward, so anyway I'm Ryuk, a Death God."
Light: "I'm Yagami Light, pleased to meet you Ryuk, now if you excuse me I have to go do something that's certainly not changing my pants."
Light returned: So now that I've used the Death Note, what will you do? Are you here to take it back by force?"
Ryuk: "Hah no, that notebook belongs to you now, I dropped it here."
Light: "I'm not sure I understand."
Ryuk: "Hold on I'll call a colleague to explain it to you"
Ryuk whipped out his Death Phone and within moments a short, flat-chested girl in black arrived.
Ryuk: "This is Rukia, she's a Death God too, but of a different sort."
Rukia took a page from a notebook and began to draw: "You see Light when a Death God drops their notebook into the human world," she pointed to a figure that looked like an the bastard child of Ryuk and a bunny rabbit, "and is picked up by a human," she pointed to another poorly drawn rabbit-man that would make Shou Tucker's chimeras look humane, "the notebook then belongs to the world until the human who used it dies." She showed a third picture, this time of the bizarre rabbit-man dead with rabbit-person pallbearers and finally a rabbit-man grave (the most merciful act of the entire series of drawings). "Any questions?"
Light: "Yeah, why do your drawings suck?"
Rukia beat Light senseless in a fashion too brutal to describe in words and went back to living in a sexually repressed 15 year old boy's closet. Oh Rukia, why won't you come live in my closet?
Ryuk: "Just as planned. That was fun. What are you going to do next Light?"
Light picked himself back up from his bloody heap on the floor and answered, "I'm not your laugh monkey, why should I entertain you?"
Ryuk: "Look kid, I'm going to kill you eventually, it's what I do, now how entertained I am is directly proportional to how long your lifespan is, do you understand or should I bring Rukia back to illustrate?"
Light hastily replied, "I get it. Umm let's see I guess I could kill all the criminals in the world and try to avoid the police, I'm pretty smart, I bet I could make it last awhile."
Ryuk, "Eh, pass, this self righteous make a better world crap is played out. What was your name again, Yagami Light right? Oh, who am I kidding I can see your name right now, Y is for yawn…"
Light, "Wait, my dad is the police chief!"
Ryuk, "Ooh, family tension, now that I can get behind! Kid, I got a feeling this is the start of a beautiful friendship."
Takeshi Obata: "Just as planned."