Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata and Tsugumi Ohba do. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.
Misa holds up her phone: Mada riaru idearu no hazama ni ite
Misa: + Sew, as j00 cun c, Alumina wuz a much bedder ending than Zetsubou Billy!
Episode the 22nd: Light Probably Could Have Used Some Guidance As A Child
L drops sugar into his coffee as Misa silently continues talking in the background. Even when she's muted she won't shut up!
L: Misa must be crazy if she thinks that Visual Kei crap is better than Maximum the Hormone, damn is she still talking? She must be milking every minute of screentime cuz she barely shows up in the second half of the story. Oh well more screentime for me, no one would ever think of removing L from the plot.
Light: So Misa you went on a date with Higuchi? You like him now?
Misa: O noes 1337, Eye still luv j00 the most! How sweet and touching, my beloved Light is jealous.
Light: MISA, I DON'T LIKE YOU! I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!
Misa: O 1337 j00r such a jokester!
L: Yes he's a real riot, isn't he Matsuda.
Despite the fact that Matsuda was referenced to and the camera cut to him, Light will talk.
Light: It's not a joke, and I know you're gonna pull the "Light is gay" thing, but I don't care, this has to stop now.
L: You can't just steal someone's lines, I was talking to Matsuda.
Light: This is more important than the comic relief; I'm trying to break up with Misa.
L: Perhaps not to you, but I'm sure the lines matter the world to Matsuda. And just to show you how concerned I am about minor characters, Wedy, anything you want to say?
Wedy: I'm wearing tight fanservicey spandex and I'm still barely in this show, what the hell does a girl have to do to get noticed.
L: You need a character trait, like Misa's poser gothic fangirl act.
Wedy: I'm in a skintight bodysuit, this would get me lead female status in any other Shonen.
L: Perhaps if you hung around with Higuchi, his perverted attempts at you would provide a subplot.
Wedy: Higuchi? That guys got a super security system, he must have one hell of a porn stash to protect.
Matsuda: I just used to hide them under my mattress.
L: What about Higuchi's cars, maybe he has some easy access stuff in there?
Wedy: After all the trouble I went to of breaking into his house and now you're telling me he probably has some magazines in his car?
L: That horny bastard? Oh yeah.
Wedy: And wait a minute, why are we suddenly looking for Higuchi's dirty magazines?
L: Bye now.
Misa: Disgusting, he actually keeps stuff like that in his car…Perhaps I sat on some without knowing it, I fear I will need a shower.
L: Light I'm sorry to keep coming back to this topic, but do you mind…me taking all of the Hetero stuff I mean.
Light: Are you still going on about that? Look I'm not gay! How many times do I have to-
L: I just want you to answer the question. Well? Do you mind?
Light: No I don't.
L: Misa what about you?
Misa: Eye don't mind, how could Eye, cuz pr0n iz gross!
L: Look Light, listen to what I'm about to say, I want you to thoroughly analyze my current theory. This could determine the amount of Yaoi that exists. Light Yagami used to be gay, the gayness has somehow passed onto another person, Light Yagami now has no memory of being gay. I need your analysis based off these assumptions, do you think you can do that for me?
Light: Yeah I'll give it a try.
L: Light Yagami used to be gay, that gayness has now passed on to another person, was that because Light Yagami wanted it happen, or was there someone else involved to control Light, lurking in the background that gave him the gayness? Was it that person who passed Light's gayness on to someone else?
Light: Given your premise, it would be my will.
L: Yes of course, if there is a third party with the ability to bestow the gayness and they didn't want their method to be discovered, then it makes no sense for them to wait so long for them to transfer it from you to the next queen. If we believe this was the work of some being watching over us from above, we'd have to accept they are impossible to straighten up, not to mention I'd already be gay. Or at the very least I'm being made to be a fool eternally doing a fruity dance in the lotioned palm of someone's well manicured hand. It's highly unlikely that such a being exists. Even if Light Yagami was gay, Light's gayness can only be transferred by the will of the person who possesses it. Thank you Light, I can now say that I feel 99 safer with these handcuffs on. We'll create a situation where Higuchi will not be able to pass on his gayness to someone else, we'll have him show us how gay he is.
Light: Wait, Higuchi's gay? When did this happen?
L: Oh come on, his outgoing personality, woman chasing ways, porn addiction and nothing to show for it, he's obviously gay.
Matsuda: It's to throw us off the scent!
L: We'll use Sakura TV's special that Jameson runs every week, we'll book a three hour timeslot and we'll announce that a high profile executive's homosexuality will be outed at the end of the special.
Matsuda: Sakura TV that reminds me aren't we supposed to be looking for something else? You know, Kira?
Light: The Lieutenant for Squad 3? What do we want with him? Anyway we'll get Bishie to call him and tell him "this is juicy, turn on Sakura TV." Higuchi will buy it once he sees that someone who knows his secret is on TV.
Matsuda: No seriously, you know Kira the guy who's murdering criminals?
L: You're annoying me and since I lost the remote to your shock collar, and this job is potentially deadly you can go be the one to spill the beans.
Matsuda: Why do I have to do it?
Light: Did you look between the couch cushions?
Soichiro: Or maybe it's been on top of the TV all along! Why I remember when that happened to me once.
Light: It's improbable that it would be on top of the TV, the irony of the situation would be lost, though you're thinking in the right vein, maybe the remote is on Matsuda's leg.
L: You're forgetting one important factor…gravity, there's no way the remote control would suspend itself in midair. Also the bulge would be visible. Because I am depressed over this we will also expose your identity and give Higuchi a chance to know who you are.
Misa: Whut abut under teh carpit?
L: We're done looking for the remote Misa. Until the show ends we will have the announcer keep saying at the end of the hour they will reveal the name of the homosexual executive.
Light: Higuchi will feel cornered, he will have no choice but you figure out your name as soon as possible, we can anticipate what actions he will take. We'll witness his gayness, after that we send him to ex gay camp. There is one potential problem to this plan, if Higuchi can make you gay simply by looking at someone's face, Matsuda will become gay.
Light: But considering the fact that you're still straight, and how he's trying to use Misa to make everyone think he's straight, I don't think that's the case.
L: At any rate we're going to have to wait a couple days and make sure we do this in the manliest way possible. We don't want anyone to think we're the gay ones. In the meantime Matsuda will have to decide if he's manly enough to go through with this plan.
Matsuda: Seriously guys, do we even care that criminals are dying?
Yotsuba for Dummies: Final Edition
7) Kida- The one who's in direct contact with Coil/Aiber. He likes spectacles and has the coolest pair of glasses of anyone in Death Note. Despite his high fashion eyegear he is no more spectacular than any of the other run of the mill villains in Yotsuba. Nickname-Shades
8) Hatori- Only on the team cuz he was banging someone's daughter. He could have just kept his mouth shut and gone down with the rest of them, but had to open his mouth and make Yotsuba kill him. Reminds me greatly of the Governor's son from episode one of Samurai Champloo, who also died not too long after his introduction. As such he's the only member other than Higuchi to stand out for the mere fact that he was too lame for Yotsuba. Way to fail at life. Nickname-Blondie
End Commercial Bump.
We now travel to a meeting of 3 of Yotsuba's members.
Bishie: Okay I'm here what's the secret meeting about?
Scaredy Cat: Bishie tell me, why didn't Kira give me a good nickname?
Bishie: Why do you want to know what I think? For all I know it could be because you lack any defining characteristics, like glasses for example.
Glasses: Scaredy Cat fulfills a character archtype, you're the token coward of the group.
Bishie: And with Blondie dead we're short handed on cowards
Scaredy Cat: But, Bishie and Glasses are nicknames good enough to qualify a bad guy on his own. Why would Kira give such good names to people who aren't the boss?
Bishie: Because Kira has a lame nickname to throw off the investigation.
Scaredy Cat: Long Hair and Higuchi are the only other lame ones.
Glasses: I'll admit Long Hair is rather lame, but that's because he's a decoy for the true villain.
Bishie: It wasn't a very bright plan, he should have at least come up with a name for himself when the other 7 had one, but we all know the truth now. Higuchi is Kira and the mastermind behind all our lackluster adventures.
Glasses: Yes, he's the one who craves attention the most, while we all get nicknames he ensures his name will be the only one anyone remembers.
Bishie: It all makes sense, he doesn't want to throw us off, he wants all the attention for himself while we get relegated to side roles. By the way who else did you invite?
Glasses: I also invited Baldy, but he said he was busy trying to regrow hair because he hated his nickname, go figure.
Bishie: Good ol' Baldy, always touchy about his appearance
Glasses: Shades is the token badass villain, or would be if we weren't average.
Scaredy Cat: Yes right now he's just bad and an ass. Anyway, Bishie who called you that one time?
Bishie: Ahh so you picked up on that, good job Scaredy Cat, this is why your overcautious cowardice is useful.
Light: It's me L, are you alone?
Light: Then just pretend I'm your sick mother.
Bishie: My mother is dead, and besides the cats out of the bag, Scaredy Cat already knows.
Scaredy Cat: Who is Bishie? Should I prepare a change of pants?
Bishie: It's L. L Scaredy Cat and Glasses are here, neither of them could be Kira, so since he's too afraid to, I'll say Scaredy Cat and probably Glasses will just sit this one out like me.
Light: Tonight I'm going to out the gay one, but I'll need your help.
Bishie: Gay one? What? Are you even taking us seriously?
Light: You don't care that Higuchi likes men? Well I guess as effeminate as you look you're probably safe.
Bishie: You do know Higuchi is Kira right? I mean wasn't that the point of this investigation?
Misa: O yeah, now Eye remumber, wear trying to catch Keera!
L: I blame this all on Light.
Light: I mean yes, we're trying to catch Kira, we're just pretending to out him, it'll be on TV, call Higuchi and tell him it's on. Also try to stop any of the others from interfering.
Bishie: I can't believe I wanted you to catch me. Hangs up. Good news, L's a moron. He's been spending all this time planning an elaborate trap to out Higuchi as gay.
In Higuchi's lair.
Higuchi: It's been three days since I stopped killing people, now when I marry Misa, I'll finally be sure that I'm not gay. And then my life will be FABULOUS!
Bishie: Higuchi, we've got a problem. Check out Sakura TV.
TV announcer: So you said one of those people is gay right?
Matsuda: Yeah, I can prove it too.
Higuchi: It's probably a hoax, it's Sakura TV
Bishie: No, at the beginning he said he overheard a meeting between 8 people.
Higuchi: I'd say it's you, ya effeminate pretty boy, what with your fancy shampoos and perfectly manicured nails.
Matsuda: I was at a party and I get getting these weird vibes like he was checking me out, me and this blonde guy.
Higuchi: He knows I had a mancrush on Hatori!
Matsuda: The blonde guy wouldn't go out with him and was killed because of that.
Higuchi: That's only half true!
Scene breaks, Matsuda is shown
Higuchi: It's him! Misa's manager, Honda or something, why is he still alive?
Bishie: I don't know, we saw his corpse and everything, maybe he's a homunculus.
Higuchi: A homunculus? It makes sense the Death Note couldn't kill someone with a Philospher's stone instead of a heart. That's why when I wrote his name down afterwards to be safe it couldn't work.
Bishie: This is bad, I don't think we can possibly kill him enough times to make him cough up the Philospher's stone!
Higuchi: We'll talk later, I've got work to do to stop this
Announcer: Sorry bout that, do want to continue?
Matsuda: No, I don't.
J. Jonah Jameson: You don't have a choice! I need pictures of Kira! Are you sure he'll come here, if he doesn't you're fired!
Higuchi: I have kill him! Calm down, Father should be able to remove the Philospher's stone from him, I'll just call him.
Voice tone: The number you have dialed is currently out of service, please check back when the flow of Amestran Alchemy has been turned back on.
Higuchi: Damn bastard, why the hell did he turn the power off?
Higuchi: Glasses you're smart, how do I kill a homunculus?
Glasses: Are we talking Fullmetal Alchemist homunculi or Busou Renkin homunculi?
Higuchi: Fullmetal Alchemist
Glasses: Are we talking anime homunculi or manga homunculi?
Higuchi: Of course, if Father won't help me maybe Dante will, I'll call her! Thanks Glasses, I've got another call to make. Hangs up. You'd better pick up you bitch!
Watari: Ryuzaki, Higuchi's trying to call someone I'm gonna hack his phone and send it Mogi to mess with him like you and Light said.
L: Sweet Deal.
Mogi: HELLO! HOW ARE YOU!
Higuchi: Hello, Dante, wait you aren't Dante.
Mogi: NO, BUT I COULD USE SOME OF THAT ALCHEMY TO FIX MY PANCREAS!
Higuchi: Wrong number sorry bye. Hangs up. Dammit. I could have sworn that was the right number.
Light: This going JUST. AS. PLANNED. It's kinda scary.
L: Don't you mean Exactly as Planned?
Watari: Okay now lets see who he's really calling.
Higuchi: Hello Dante? How do I kill a homunculus? I don't have time to kill it like 20 times, I need it done fast.
Dante: You need a portion of the body used to make the homunculus and to construct a Flammel Array.
Higuchi: I don't have a corpse will it still work?
Dante: There's a first time for everything I guess.
Higuchi: Then how do I do make a Flammel Array?
Dante: Look I'm busy,
Higuchi: Don't screw with him I'm in a hurry!
Dante: That makes too of us, I need to find a new body, this one's starting to rot. Everything you need is in my alchemy notes.
Higuchi: Then get them for me!
Dante: You've got to be kidding I have like 3 hours left at the most. I'll tell you what, since you want it so badly my alchemy notes are in a filing cabinet I'll leave it unlocked for you.
Higuchi runs out of house and into his car.
Higuchi: I'll kill him no matter what. You try to out me and that's the price you pay, equivalent exchange bitch! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Author's Note: As you probably know 1) US Dub used Exactly as Planned like Viz did for their manga, disappointing but oh well.
And 2) This week is the last episode of Death Note. There are no more after 25. None at all.
In more positive news I have Death Note's manga Vol 1 now. I read it in a little less than a day.
Eternal Moon Peach Goddess Where can you find that "worst fanfic ever"? I want to read it now... er... for strictly educational reasons.
Why it's right here on FF. It's called My Immortal and it's in the Harry Potter section. It's also checks still the first result when you type "worst fanfiction ever" into google. Interestingly enough it's also under "best fanfiction ever" (Blasphemy, "Put Your Lights On" by Klepto-maniac0 is the best the first of two shout outs in this) or just plain "fanfiction ever"
Hmm. WICCAN! COL! I'd never seen L/Riyu as a Wiccan before, that's freakin awesome. Oh, and thanks for having him clear up the difference. The, Wiccans are witches, but witches aren't Wiccan thing. Yah. XD XD
I cleared something up? That was…unintentional.
BoogiePop Shippuden: What does Sakujo mean anyway? Well, go Teru!
Hey, since Near loves his toys and you do Bleach references, what are the chances we'll read about him playing with a Kon doll?
NICE ANGLE! And perhaps Halle Lidner will pick him up and take him to the valley of soft pillows! Great idea, nee-san.
Oh and since you
don't want to be worshiped, can I idolize you instead? Or should I
just admire you?
(I'm not sure but I think idolizing someone is a few levels below worship, right?)
Admire sounds about right.
my FF10 Fanfic: Are you going to
update this after Deathnote is done?
It seems pretty interesting.
I had a few more in a notebook somewhere, they're pretty short and have little detail since they're also written in script style. Right now it's 3rd on my priority list of the three I have, I never added them cuz I wasn't getting views. (You're only the second person to comment on it and the other I know in real life). The Bardock one takes precedent though since I was getting reviews on that and my writing quality is better. Honestly though I've found I enjoy this style of writing better than in the serious ones.
RJtheClown has a fic that has the same basic idea. It's called Otherworld and starts about when Jecht is in prison. I talked to him once on a message board when I first was getting into fanfiction, he was a nice guy.
Oriechalcos: For people, try Hitoshi (Sakura TV guy). Shiori, Ryotaro and Sanami from the film (bet you didn't look there) also work. Kurou & Mitashi (first guy(s) he killed in the anime/movie.) are overlooked too. Shibuimaru Takuo is the biker dude..and that's all I got. Those are all off the top of my head (except the last one: it's in my own DN.)
Kay I had Sanami and ShibiTaku and the first guy he killed. Never saw the movies, but I have the ones that are on the Wiki
Aishi Excel: Horah! Update! You know, the entire Shinigami realm existing because of a fro poser makes teh centzes! Haha, Higuchi was definitely channeling Zapp Brannigan. I just don't want to picture him in the velour shudder As for obscure characters, how about Taro Kagami? He was the Mikami wannabe in the pilot one-shot. And Yamamoto... that guy who came into the investigation team AFTER all the fun with Kira. (That's like coming in after a party and wondering what the happened to all the cake.) Or Jose, the guy who shot Soichiro? I think that's his name. Lawl, I know all these random characters... Anyways... GOOD CHAP! WRITE MORE! I'M OFF TO GIVE MYSELF INSULIN!
Had Tarou didn't have Yamamoto or Jose
Ice Crome: What 'status quo'?
I dunno, so I can kill him again?