Ever wonder what would really happen? Can't you just see the blood, the sweat, the dramatic swordplay? Well, this is still an Omake…You won't find that here : ) But we're still gonna' give ya' what you've always wanted…

The Final Fight
An Omake Theatre
By Calger459 and Ranma1517730129

Yahiko and Kaoru were walking back from the Akabeko.

"Yep, and then she hung herself…"

"Yeeeeeeee, that's morbid. What, your parents being dead wasn't enough for her?"

"I don't know…I just don't know…"

A beautiful red sun was setting over the dojo as Kaoru and Yahiko walked through the gate.

"It's the simple things in life, Yahiko. Tadaima!"

Kaoru waited a second for the response.


Another second.



That's when they saw the training hall. There was a hole in the front where the doors used to be. A partially destroyed roof littered the ground. Dazedly the two entered the dojo, each reaching for their respective weapons. A board creaked and Yahiko's foot went through the floor. Kaoru turned towards him.

"You're gonna' fix that!"

"NO I'M NOT! It's not my fault…Whoever did this gets to fix it!"

"Which reminds me, who…?"

There they were. Lying on the floor. Bleeding, battered, smiling evilly. Kenshin's hand peeled itself off the floor and somehow weakly slapped Saitou's shoulder. In response the ex-Shinsengumi peeled his own arm off the floor and returned the blow slightly harder than Kenshin's (he'd rolled over slightly while slapping him and a puddle of drool was forming under his turned head).

"There, see Battousai, I'm still stronger than you."

Kaoru had finally had it and gotten over her shock. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY DOJO!?!?!"

"Oh, it's alright Kaoru-dono, we just had a minor misunderstanding…"

"That's one hell of a misunderstanding." Yahiko blurted.

"Well Yahiko, I was off in the market and I ran into Mibu's wolf there."

"I refuse to let you tell this story, Battousai, if you intend to twist the facts." Saitou growled, his rebuke losing most of its credibility.

Kaoru's eyes went to half-mast and she glowered at the two floor ornaments. "Someone…Fess…NOW!"

"I was minding my business, going on my daily walk about the community, keeping the streets safe when that red-headed miscreant caused a disturbance!"

Kenshin's eyes glowed gold and he grew round and chibi-fied. "I am not a miscreant! I didn't cause the "Disturbance"! Andit'snotmyfaultyou'rereallyugly." The last bit was faint and slightly mumbled but everyone heard Kenshin anyway.

Saitou growled and reached for his sword lying across the dojo as if he could will it to his hands. It didn't come of course, and no one was very surprised when it didn't. He gave up, and flopped his arm in a wide angle that smacked Kenshin well in the forehead. Kenshin leaned his head back trying to bite his hand, forcing the wolf to yank it hastily back. "Now who's fighting like an animal?" Saitou questioned the angry nipping rurouni.

Kenshin stopped trying to bite Saitou. "As I was saying: I went to buy the tofu, ran into Saitou, the conversation started out normally enough…I remember it as if it were…A flashback!"

Kenshin Flashback

"Good afternoon Saitou-dono. The day is quite lovely don't you think? I was just out buying tofu for my lovely and perfect housemates de gozaru."


"I'm gonna' be sick!" Yahiko made choking motions.

"Try to stick to the facts Battousai."

"I'm trying! If you wouldn't interrupt!"

"Your whelp interrupted, not me!"

"Kenshin…Please continue." Kaoru had hearts in her eyes. It wasn't that she was honestly buying any of the other crap, but he'd called her lovely.

Kenshin Flashback

"Whatever, you sad bastard!" Saitou put out a cigarette on someone's head and spit on the ground. "What are you doing showing your womanly face in my market!"

"Sessha isn't womanly. Sessha is delicate. Please don't do such awful things Saitou-dono. I was just going to go over to the orphanage to teach the children to sing de gozaru."


"Okay that's about all of that I can stand." Saitou was rolling his eyes and moved his hand before the rurouni got in thwacking range.

Saitou Flashback

"You have to admit, when you were fighting with your little friend Sano and his buddy you were looking kind of…Well, they drew you like a woman. I mean if someone were going to infer something about your relationship all the ammunition you'd ever need is right there."

"At least I don't have a face only a mother could love, Saitou." Battousai growled and gnashed his teeth. For good measure he kicked a puppy and glared at the little girl leading it.

Everyone was quickly dispersing from the area. Saitou held up his hand when Kenshin was about to rush forward, his sword already drawn and saliva dripping from his mouth like a rabid dog. Saitou put his arm around an old man and helped him get clear of the charging hitokiri.

"Not here you vagabond, think of the citizenry! After all it is for them that I live, it is for them that I breathe, it's for them that I leave the sanctity of my home and beautiful wife."

"Fine, we'll go to the Kamiya Dojo, we can mess that place up good!" The evil Kenshin sheathed his sword but kicked someone's melon stand down on his way out of the market.


"I did not say that! Kaoru-dono, you must believe me. I would never put you or your home in danger." Kenshin stared at the Kendo instructor standing above his head pleadingly.

"Yes, well, I doubt Saitou's colorful version of the story is true either, but you did end up here didn't you?"

"Errmmm, well…yes."

"Putting a hole in my wall."

"Hai, Kaoru-dono. Either? You don't believe me?"

"Don't push your luck mister." Her eyes were mild and disbelieving. "You'll be fixing all this later…Oh, and if you could repeat how lovely and perfect I am that would help my mood immensely."

"Jeez Battousai, she's got you wrapped around her little finger doesn't she?"

Kaoru walked over and beaned the cop over the head with her boken. "Just for that you'll be getting my repair bill."

"Well that's all fine and good Busu, but you just knocked out the other side of the story!" Yahiko pointed down to Saitou, slightly peeved because he'd missed the fight in the first place. Second of course to the fact that now the only person left to tell the story was Kenshin…Especially since his version had been so…fluffy.

"Aa, but I promise I will be more objective this time. As I remember it, we just kind of fought our way here…"

Kenshin flashback

"Quit trying to avoid the fight you red-headed rat!"

"I'm just trying to avoid bringing anyone else into this, Saitou." Kenshin ducked quickly into the Kamiya dojo gate. I'm not going to be able to get any further without someone getting hurt, and Yahiko and Kaoru are out.

Kenshin and Saitou all but flew across the grounds of the dojo, each step bringing one or two slashes from each man's blade. They twisted and spun around each other like fighting leviathans in a convoluted blur of movement. For each man there was no time to think or consider the next move. It was all instinct, years of fighting coming to a climax in this one final battle. Rapidly trading blows they made their way towards the dojo, and then finally inside it…


Kaoru looked stern. "Where you then proceeded to put a hole in my wall."

Yahiko is awe-struck. "Wow Kenshin, that sounds so cool!"

"Um, Yahiko, if Kenshin's 'so cool', and I'm not saying he's not, then why were they both laying on the floor slapping each other when we came in?"

Kenshin looked abashed. "We, uh…well that is to say Kaoru-dono…um…"

"Nice summary of our fight Battousai, though you did leave a few of our…'choicer' attacks out of it. To answer your question though, Tanuki-girl, every warrior must rest; but that doesn't mean you turn your back on your opponent…or miss the opportunity for the occasional slap." Saitou, who had regained consciousness sometime during Kenshin's narrative, grinned wolfishly.

Kaoru was not amused. "So…you intended on continuing this little whirlwind of destruction after you had 'rested', then."


"You boys (I certainly don't see any men here), can lay here and 'rest'. Then I expect this dojo to be spotless! I want it to look like the day it was built by the time you leave here, wakata?" Eyes on fire, Kaoru spun on her heel and walked out, followed by the slightly intimidated Yahiko, thinking Man are you guys in trouble…

"Damn Battousai, your woman's scary."

"You know, I really really hate you."

"Yeah, I hate you too."

The dojo was quiet, until the slightly maniacal laughter from the two swordsmen filled the hall. As the laughter faded, the sound of slapping could be heard…

Outside, Karou and Yahiko paused at the sound of knocking at the gate.

"Who's there?" Kaoru opened the gate and was surprised to find a slender, elegantly dressed woman standing outside…pushing a wheelbarrow in front of her.

"Pardon me, but I've come to collect my husband, a certain Fujita Goro. I heard he was here?"

Kaoru and Yahiko blinked in unison, then exchanged surprised looks. "Uh…yeah, Sai—I mean Goro's inside."

"Arigatou." The woman bowed politely to them with a sweet smile then passed them, walking elegantly across the grounds. It was almost impossible to believe she was pushing a wheelbarrow…her movements were like water flowing in the calmest stream. Rounding the corner of the house, Saitou Tokio took in the sight of the ruined dojo and the two men inside, faintly visible as two dark shadows through the dojo's door.



Okay…so there's our rather lengthy Omake "final fight" between our two favorite bad-ass swordsmen. We hope you all liked it, remember to R/R! See, we didn't lie…we really didn't show you the fight. After all, we've all seen episode 30 (those who've seen it more than five times raise your hands…yeah we knew you were out there ;) Anything we could write could never be as beautiful or awe-inspiring as what was animated on screen. Bask in the glory that is Anime ^_^ Besides, this an Omake, you're not supposed to have serious life-altering battle sequences in a parody fic, right?