(beware! This was speed-betaed so I could put it up ASAP, so there might be typos! If you find any, please let me know!)
Zilo: Welcome! Welcome everyone!
Envy: It took you so long to put this up, why?
Zilo: What shut up!
Ed: Can we get this over with already?
Risty: Yes, let's get to it!
Zilo: All righty! Prepare for an onslaught of stuff that doesn't really make sense! Extra Omakes, deleted stuff, the winner of the contest, some fun facts about TSG, and lots of rambling!
Al: Hope everyone enjoys!
Mary Sue Takes The World By Storm
(The Epic Fail Conclusion)
"Yay! I'm totally a State Alchemist now!" May cheered, twirling her State Alchemist pocket watch around a finger. She cheerfully ignored as Ed's title was publicly revoked so that she could be declared the youngest State Alchemist in history.
"Excuse me, are you the famous new alchemist?" an excited voice cried.
May turned around to greet her newest fan. "Why yes I—"
CLANG! A frying pan was whacked upside her head, knocking her out cold. Zoe Ferguson sighed with relief and dragged the unconscious girl away by the ankles. She tossed her into the back of a truck and closed the doors.
"Um, where are we taking her again?" Risty May Fernandez asked hesitantly from behind the wheel as Zoe climbed in the passenger side.
"Back to Headquarters to be de-Sued. Then the narcotics crew is coming out to remove the OMFGLUVSUE serum from everybody's system," Zoe reminded her.
"How on earth did she get that stuff into the water supply?" Risty May wondered as she shifted the truck into Drive and pulled away from the curb.
"Hell if I know. Next stop's the military HQ to pick up that weird chimera-girl and Roy's long lost triplet cousins," Zoe said, reading from a clipboard.
"What about those three Homunculi girls we saw at the border?"
"They've got Godmode powers, so the Super Crews are getting them," Zoe pointed out.
"I feel like I'm doing something illegal," Risty May mumbled uncomfortably.
"We're saving lives and sanity, trust me."
(No, really. Did you think I'd let that Sue get away with this stupidity?)
Everybody Loves Risty
Roy was minding his own business pretending to do paperwork when his office door was violently thrown open.
"Colonel Mustang! There's an emergency!" Al cried.
Roy and Riza looked up in alarm. "What's going on?" Roy asked, starting to stand up.
"There's a mob outside Brother's room! Risty May's trapped inside!"
"A mob?" Riza repeated.
"You just have to come see it!"
So they followed Al to the Elric dorm thingy. And, as he had said, there was a mob of men crowded around outside, pressed so close the door couldn't possibly be opened. Most of them wore the military uniform. Several of them were waving bouquets of flowers. All of them were yelling
"What the hell...?" Roy said. Then some of the things they were yelling began to become clear.
"Come on out, darling!"
"Risty May, I love you!"
"Lemme take you to dinner!"
"Let me show you my affection!"
The three of them stared. Roy glared, then suddenly his arm flashed out and plunged into the crowd. His hand emerged with Havoc's collar in it.
"Havoc, THAT IS A FELONY," he growled.
"I just want her two know I'll wait for her!" Havoc pleaded.
Suddenly a blur came out of nowhere and plowed into the crowd of men, bowling them over. Zoe now stood in front of the door, arms spread wide, a demonic look on her face. "All of you pervs are ADULTS!" she bellowed. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THINKING?!"
"For some reason all of these guys have fallen in love with Risty May!" Al said.
Zoe glared at each of the men in turn, practically stealing their souls with her gaze. "You freaks better back up before I take half your heads and shove them up the other half's asses," she threatened.
The door creaked open behind her. Zoe whirled around and stared. Some of the men looked excited that Risty May was finally coming out. But the room was empty, the window broken.
"She was kidnapped?!" Riza exclaimed.
Yes, she was kidnapped. Two guesses to the Envy Homunculus Envy who did it Envy.
Meanwhile, on the roof, a kidnapped Risty May was in the midst of being kidnapped.
"So, why are you kidnapping me this time?" Risty May asked from where she was slung over Envy's shoulder.
"Because you're hot and I love you despite hating your whole kind for 400 years," he replied in a "duh" tone.
"Um, but...this just doesn't seem right," Risty May said.
"Shut up and accept my love."
So, in just a few moments they'd made it all the way to Dante's mysterious hideout. Yes, just a few moments, because we don't have all day. Dante was waiting there.
"I see you've brought her. Excellent work, Envy. Now stick her in something sexy so I can ogle her," Dante said.
"Wait! What?" Risty May cried. "I thought you kidnapped me to use me for evil purposes!"
"No, I just kidnapped you because you're hot and I like you," Dante said.
"That's not fair! I saw her first!" Envy argued.
"You get to kill Ed, remember? You can't have your Risty May and eat your cake too," Dante said.
Risty May climbed down off Envy's shoulder. "Hold on," she said, holding up her hands and starting to panic a little. "Dante, you're supposed to still love Hohenheim, aren't you?"
"That moldy old guy? Pfft."
Suddenly, some double doors were thrown open. "I object!" Wrath yelled as he dashed into the room. He grabbed Risty May around the neck, which was supposed to be some kind of hug.
"Don't be ridiculous!" Dante snapped. "You don't ever get love interests!"
"Well, I want one now! This one!" Wrath argued, shaking Risty May back and forth as her face started to turn blue.
"Well don't STRANGLE her you idiot!" Envy yelled, kicking him into the wall.
The doors burst open again, and Lust appeared. "Drop my love interest and step away," she said.
"We're not going through this again," Dante said.
"I...really appreciate this, but...I don't date adults or girls or artificial humans or psychopathic murderers or any combination of those," Risty May wheezed.
A wall was suddenly broken open. "Well, I'm none of those, so get over here!" Ed yelled.
"If you'll get me out of here!" Risty May cried, scrambling over as the Homunculi and Dante started to advance menacingly.
Ed reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her out of the room, then clapped his hands and fixed the wall. "Come on, let's move it," he said.
They ran for their lives into the sunset.
DELETED SCENES THEATER
Zilo: Welp, here's a little treat for you guys! A couple of written pieces that didn't quite make it into TSG! This includes some interaction between RM and the Homunculi, cooking, explosions, and Omake that landed on the cutting room floor!
Risty: Please enjoy!
Risty May and Envy's next session
That night, Risty May was sitting on the Rockbells' porch again, a blanket draped over her pajamas, looking out into the night. This time she was alert, so she saw when Envy appeared from the left and made his way over. She scooted over to make room for him as he climbed the porch steps and plopped down in his usual spot, propping his elbows on his legs.
"Um, hi!" Risty May said, attempting cheer.
Envy glanced at her, then back out at the night sky, resting his chin in his hand.
"So...how are you?" she ventured.
After a few moments, Envy sighed heavily. "I'm fine," he said grudgingly.
More silence. Risty May pulled the blanket closer around her and looked down in her lap. Beneath her blanket, she reached for her necklace and grasped it for courage. "What would you like to talk about today?" she asked.
"Whatever," Envy said.
Risty May bit her lip. Envy was always like this at first. It was still up in the air on whether or not he'd warm up this time. "Um, do you like to go for walks?" she blurted.
Envy gave her a look like she was insane. That seemed to be his favorite way to look at her. "What for? They're pointless," he said.
"Walks are great. You get to enjoy nature and get good exercise all at once," Risty May argued.
"Nature is stupid and exercise is pointless," was Envy's counter-argument.
"Well, for you it is, I guess. You can make yourself as sexy as you want," Risty May said with a little sigh of envy.
Envy snorted at the comment.
"But us normal humans have to work to be sexy."
"Yet another of your kind's many, many flaws," Envy said with a sneer.
"Well, that's when we try at all," Risty May said with a sheepish smile. "I'm afraid I've never worked very hard at the sexy thing. Zoe's much sexier than me."
"Why should you care anyway? Not like it matters," Envy said.
Risty May blinked. "Why do you say that?"
"Sexy wouldn't suit someone stupid like you. You'd be better aiming for cute," Envy said in a know-it-all tone.
Risty May blinked a couple more times, then smiled widely. "Well, I suppose you would know—you've been around people a lot longer than me!"
Envy looked startled at this, but then he glared. "Don't go getting any stupid ideas, thinking you can sway me with cuteness or something equally idiotic. It would be beyond pointless."
"Actually, I never said I'd try that."
He opened his mouth to say something, then shut it and glared some more.
"What do you think's better? Cute or sexy?" Risty May asked, genuinely curious.
An irritated "Uffh!" was his answer.
Risty May twirled her big toes together. "Well...I prefer cute. When you're sexy then men just stare at your boobs and butt and talk about how they want to 'hit that' and stuff. That kind of talk makes me uncomfortable. Like they think girls are objects or something."
Envy raised an eyebrow. "'Hit that'?" he repeated.
"Yeah. That's what the guys say back home. Things like—" here she tried to affect a homeboy accent "—'yo man, check out the booty on that!' 'Mmm mm, girl, bring some of that over here!' 'Want some fries with that shake?' 'Man, I'd like to hit that!' 'Shake it like a pepper shaker, baby!'"
When she finished, she realized that Envy was staring at her openmouthed. She blushed deeply. "W-Well, they do!" she defended herself.
Envy continued to stare at her for several seconds. Finally he spoke. "I knew humans were idiots, but this goes far beyond my lowest expectations."
"W-Well they're not all like that!" Risty May said hastily. "Some guys are really nice, like my dad! And my cousins! And my uncle! And some of the boys at school! You just have to look for them is all!"
"So, what? That kind of crap's been said to you?" Envy asked.
"No, not me. I just heard it when I was with Zoe sometimes. I don't get hit on very often," Risty May explained.
"Why? They think you're ugly?"
"Well...I don't know. I don't think so; I just...sort of don't get it much. I-It's not like I mind though—I don't really need a boyfriend anyway. I'm too young and stuff."
"Pfft. That's a pretty lame excuse," Envy said.
Risty May shrugged, pulling her knees up so she could rest her arms on them. "Well, what about you? Have you ever had a girlfriend, or wanted one?"
"Are you insane?" Envy demanded, whipping around to face her with an angry look.
Risty May flinched. "Sorry," she mumbled, looking down into the blanket. She fingered her necklace nervously. "I just wondered."
"No," he snapped, turning to face the dark horizon again.
"...Did you ever...like anyone? Like, not hate somebody?"
"Nope," he said, as if it was a stupid question.
(it was supposed to end with Envy randomly kidnapping Risty May and then bringing her back, but...I lost so much steam I just gave up and hacked it out)
Baking with Risty May and Izumi
"Still getting used to the new hair, I see," Izumi commented as Risty May wandered into the kitchen, fingering her hair with both hands.
"I guess so. It still seems so odd for it not to touch my shoulders," Risty May admitted.
"It'll grow back," Izumi told her. "Hopefully you won't hack it off in a fit of emotion then."
Risty May blushed and looked around the kitchen. "Um, where's Mr. Sig and Mr. Mason?" she asked.
Izumi turned on the stove. "They're handling the inventory shipment. It's late today. Tell me, Risty May, do you cook?"
"Yes ma'am," Risty May said, nodding. She watched Izumi break out several ingredients from the cupboards. "What are you making?" she asked.
"Tonight seemed like a good night for stew," Izumi commented, pulling out a huge pot and carrying it to the sink.
"I know how to make stew! My mom taught me!" Risty May said.
"Good, give me a hand with it then."
"Yes ma'am!" Risty May washed her hands at the sink and then went over to where Izumi had laid out several different veggies and a couple of onions. A giant knife was stabbed into the cutting board, apparently waiting to be used. Risty May sweatdropped at how ominous it looked and grasped the handle. She tried to pull it out with both hands, but it was wedged in too firmly.
"Hold on." Izumi moved her aside and gripped the handle. One-handedly, she pulled out the knife easily.
"Oh." Risty May accepted the knife, which seemed large enough to be a sword, and started to cut up the first onion.
"So, tell me about your mother," Izumi said as she carried the pot, now half-full of water, over to the stove and set it on the hot burner. She produced a glass bottle of milk and dumped the whole thing into the pot.
"Well, Mom's really nice. She used to be a nurse, but she quit to stay home and take care of me. Aside from Zoe, she's probably my best friend. I can talk to her about anything," Risty May said, a glow unknowingly spreading over her face as she talked about her mom. "She's tough sometimes, but she's always fair. Oh, and she likes to throw stuff at me."
"Sounds like an interesting woman," Izumi commented as she placed a couple of chicken legs onto a second cutting board.
Risty May finished dicing the onion and reached for a stalk of broccoli. "She is! You'd probably get along really well. I wish you could meet her," she said wistfully.
(and...that was it. I took it out because it didn't seem to add much and was more like filler than anything else)
Alchemy In The Hospital
Riza followed Roy as he walked down the hospital corridor. She didn't miss the proud set of his shoulders. Roy Mustang was never one to not bask in the glory of finishing up paperwork early. He'd probably make a public announcement of it if he could.
"Don't let me forget what time it is," he told her as they walked. "I've still got that meeting."
"I won't, don't worry," Riza assured him.
He looked at her over his shoulder and smirked. "I was expecting a compliment on how responsible I'm being today," he said smugly.
"Perhaps another time," she replied.
They reached the door, and Roy knocked. At just that moment, there was a muffled BOOM on the other side of the door, causing them both to jump. Roy and Riza exchanged glances, and she pulled out her gun. Roy threw open the door, his free hand going for his gloves.
Smoke obscured the room. Roy waved it away around his head. "Fullmetal!" he called.
"Hang on," Ed's voice said, relieving them both. There was a clap, and the smoke was swept out the window by a freak wind. When the room cleared, they saw that Ed was in fact, not under attack, and was minding his own business sitting in the hospital bed. On one side of the bed, facing the door, Alphonse was sitting in a chair. On the other side, her back to the door, was Risty May, her hair pulled into two braids.
She twisted around. "Colonel Roy! Lieutenant Riza! I'm sorry! I was trying to do some transmuting and the knock scared me!" she said.
Riza sighed and holstered her gun. "Perhaps you two should have your alchemy lessons after Edward's allowed outside," she said.
"What are you guys doing here anyway?" Ed asked, frowning.
"Oh, so I can't come and visit my subordinate in the hospital just because I want to?" Roy asked.
"Brother," Al admonished.
"What do you want?" Ed went on anyway.
(and...that was as far as I got)
The store tripped.
Risty May didn't see the banana peel and stepped on it.
"Hey! Watch out for that banana peel!" Ed cried.
Risty May smiled with relief and stepped back to let them bond.
"Yeah, okay," said Ed.
"Okay," said Envy.
Risty May grabbed his hand and then grabbed Envy's. "Now be friends, for me, please?" she asked them.
"Okay, but only because I love you more than I've ever loved anyone," Ed said, walking over.
"Here I am!" Risty May said, waving her hand. "Come here so I can conspire to make you and Envy friends!"
At that moment, Ed walked in. "I'm here!" he yelled. "Where's my woman—I mean, where's Risty May?"
Envy sat down.
"Before you kill me, please sit down!" Risty May pleaded.
"Guess I'll kill you then. If I can't have you no one can," Envy said.
"I don't kiss shemales, sorry," Risty May said.
"Before Ed gets here, wanna kiss me?" Envy asked.
"Sure, because you're the only human I'll ever love," Envy said, proceeding to stop holding up the store. The occupants ran for their lives.
"Envy! Don't hold up the store!" Risty May exclaimed.
At the store, because the plot demanded it, Envy was randomly there holding up the store.
Risty May sighed and hung up the phone. She hadn't even been able to say goodbye before he hung up. But she shook it off and walked to the store.
"Sure. See you there." Ed hung up.
"That clothing store down the street. Oh, and don't bring Al either, okay?" Risty May said.
"Sure, it's not like I have an actual job or anything. Where do you wanna meet?" asked Ed.
"Hi, Ed, it's Risty May! Could you meet me please?" Risty May asked.
"Hello?" Ed said on the other line.
"One moment, please." There was a click, then silence. Risty May waited patiently.
"Yes, I'd like to speak to the Fullmetal Alchemist," Risty May said.
"How may I direct your call?" said the operator.
Risty May woke up one day and decided to change the plot of FMA. So she got dressed and ran to give Ed a call.
(I scrapped it because it was just a leedle confusing!)
Zilo: Hokay! Here's a tasty little preview from Chapter 2 of TSGTM! Enjoy!
The sun was beginning to rise, changing the atmosphere from dark and gloomy to dimly lit. My relief at finally being able to see a little better was short-lived when I tripped over what felt like an exposed root and landed face down in the bushes.
I wanted to cry. At some point in my following the road I had found that my voice had deserted me entirely. I had also stepped on something sharp and my foot was bleeding. All my muscles were sore.
And, of course, the worst part of it was that I still hadn't located Ed. For all I knew he had woken up somewhere else and started walking in the opposite direction. I might have wasted precious time making it even more difficult to find him.
Please, just let something go right. Please.
I managed to struggle to my feet again. Keeping my weight off of my gashed heel, I began moving forward again, weakly pushing bushes and low-hanging branches out of the way. My eyes tiredly moved back to the road to ensure I hadn't strayed, and spotted something lying on the road.
Stopping, I gazed down at it until it made sense. It looked like some dark article of clothing. I realized that this could be the answer to my nakedness problem. Excitedly, I pushed my way out of the bushes I'd been walking through and hobbled over to it, bending and quickly picking it up before gravity could make me fall again.
It was a coat, dark blue with a thigh-length hem. There was a tear in the back, around where the left shoulder blade would have been, and a couple of patches on it, both different shades of brown. All the buttons were gone except for the top one.
The way it was designed made me think it was a man's coat. It didn't even matter to me—I was so thrilled to have something to cover up with it could have been a striped prison jumpsuit or a pink tutu. I put it on, pulling my arms through the sleeves. The coat felt very worn, but in that comfy old shirt way. I closed the top button, though that didn't do too much, and used both hands to lift my hair out from underneath it.
I used one hand to hold the coat closed so it properly covered me, and then sighed in relief. It felt good to have something covering me besides my hair. Now I didn't have to cower in the bushes. I brushed my bangs out of my eyes yet again and continued following the road.
The area got lighter and my steps got slower. My foot had stopped bleeding, but the pain hadn't gone away. I was fearful of getting an infection in the injury, and didn't dare risk putting my foot down on the ground. I was also wondering how long this forest lasted, and when this road would break through the trees.
I just gotta keep walking, I told myself, doggedly moving on even though I could have happily passed out on the ground. Until I can find something, or someone, or—or—
Or what, I didn't know.
The joints in my good leg suddenly complained, and before I could blink I found myself tumbling forward. I managed to fling my arms out to catch myself, and landed heavily on the ground, scraping my arms through the coat's sleeves.
I stayed there, wanting to move but practically unable to. I hadn't quite realized how hard I was pushing my body in order to keep walking, but my body was more than happy to let all the pain I'd been ignoring rush over me. I wanted to get up, but I couldn't. So I laid face down on the ground with my arms around my head, like I'd decided to sulk in the road or something.
I'm really not sure how long I laid there, but eventually I heard what sounded like footsteps coming towards me. I tried to get up on my elbows so I could see who it was, maybe get a feel for what timeline I was in by their clothes or something, but my arms refused to listen to me. At least not without sending horrible stabs of increased pain up through my shoulders and neck.
So I lay there pathetically, listening as the footsteps got closer, until they seemed to be near my head. Then a voice spoke. "I think she's alive." It sounded like a woman.
"Oh, look at her foot—she's hurt," said a second woman's voice, higher and breathier than the first.
"She might be unconscious. Let's turn her over so she can get some air, poor thing." I felt two hands grasp my right arm, and would have squeaked in pain had I not lost my voice. It just came out as a little breath of protest. Another pair of hands slid under my side and helped to flip me over. I didn't even realize my eyes were closed until I noticed I couldn't see anything.
"She looks so young!" said the higher voice.
"Here, help me get her on my back." The hands pulled me into a sitting position. I didn't move or assist them in any way; the urge to take a nap was getting stronger. Apparently it was strong enough that I actually fell asleep by the time they were draping my arms over a pair of shoulders.
Some Facts About TSG
TSG has completely mutated from its original idea. At first it was supposed to be about 10 chapters long. Risty May's original name was Melissa May Lina Fernando, AKA Lissy May. She would botch the chain letter and switch bodies with Ed. On her side she'd cause the usual hijinks in trying to play Ed. On his side he'd cause his own hijinks impersonating Lissy May and would run around nearly destroying all the modern technology he had no idea how to use. Eventually the chain letter would switch them back for no good reason. And Zoe didn't even exist in the story.
Yeah, you see how well that worked.
You can officially blame Misty May Treanor for the main character name switch. I fell in love with the "isty May" sound, and swapped Melissa for the similar-sounding Marista. Changing Lina Fernando to Lidia Fernandez had no real reason behind it, I just felt like it. I added Zoe for extra and better scenes and rolled on with it.
The reason I extended the story was mostly because of reviewer feedback. I was having too good a time writing and didn't want the story to end so fast, so I changed the plot to add an extra 14 chapters. The story WAS going to end not too soon after Risty May's encounter with Envy on the train, with the chain letter and her wishing coming in sync that night and pulling her, Zoe, and Ed back to her home.
Again, the reviewers changed my mind. A lot of them said, "Wow, I wonder how Envy will act when he sees RM again, especially after she told him she loved him!" That made me think "Yeah, what WOULD he do?" And I extended the story yet again, changed the plot once more, and started to add in hints of a very weird friendship between Envy and Risty. It wasn't until Risty May briefly turned to the dark side that I came up with the idea of her not actually returning home at the end of the story.
REVIEWER AWARD THEATER
Most Dedicated Reviewer: Colonel Bastard and Asj Johnson
Longest Review(s): Asj Johnson
Most Helpful Review(s): agent000
Most Anticipated Review(s): Asj Johnson, Colonel Bastard, agent000, Half Human Homunculi, Wandering Hitokiri and Arktos
Biggest Bulk Of Reviews: Illa Scriptor
Funniest Reviews: Half Human Homunculi, Wandering Hitokiri, and Colonel Bastard
Hundredth Reviewers: Wandering Hitokiri, Namikazelil, Half Human Homunculi, and KatrinaEagle
Idea-Inducing Reviewer: Little Patch of Heaven and Asj Johnson
(don't worry if you aren't listed! I appreciate each and every single review I received! Without your support I probably would have given up, so thank you all so much!)
OMAKE CONTEST WINNER
Zilo: Here we go, everyone! It's time to announce our winner!
Risty: I'm so excited!
Zilo: Yup! And the winner of our Make Your Own Omake contest is...
Zoe: Come on, let's hear it!
Zilo: Little Patch of Heaven!
Risty: Congratulations! Your winner's packet has been sent!
Zilo: Now let's all peep what kind of wittiness Li'l Patch sent in for the win!
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Zilo: And that, as they say, was all she wrote!
Risty: At least for now!
Zilo: This fic will not be updated again, so no more extras! I want to thank everyone for sticking it out so long for TSG! I really appreciate your kind words, constructive criticism, funny reviews, and e-support! I look forward to seeing you all in the sequel!! Bye!!