Short, sweet, & simple: Annette's kind of crazy. Her brain-child about Ryuuku and Light. What more needs to be said? Oh, apples. And um, peeping-toms! Oh, and the twisty-twist© belongs to Annette! Also, who on earth would write REGULAR Ryuuku/Light? Is that even possible? Crack all the way!

Summary: Crackfic! Ryuuku contemplates why humans do what they do. Apples must be the answer! He tests his theory on Light. [RyuukuLight

Warning: It's a crackfic. Watch out for major OOC-ness and crazy pairings/happenings. Also, there's a chick being attacked in here. It doesn't float our boats, but it's in here for story purposes. If you don't like it, leave. You have been warned.

Rated: Mello. Er, we mean M.

Disclaimer: We do not own Death Note.

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Hungry Humans

(a.k.a Shinigami Gone Wild)

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Ryuuku floated along the streets in silent contemplation. He'd been spying on the neighbours for quite some time. Humans were really interesting. The private things they did were most fascinating. He smiled as he recalled what he had seen earlier that night.

He had been watching a couple slobber over each other. He wasn't exactly sure as to why humans sucked at each other's faces, but it seemed to be quite a popular past time. There didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it. He'd seen many people kissing. Boys kissing girls, girls kissing girls, boys kissing boys; apparently everyone could kiss everyone else. However, boys and girls mostly kissed in public. And sometimes when humans kissed in private, it wasn't with their designated partner. And that was, supposedly, very wrong. How devious.

He drooled a bit, remembering that it had been his hunger that had stopped him from watching the rest of the scenario play out.

His thoughts went back to why people would kiss. Perhaps the air that came out of a person's mouth was delicious? He wondered what flavour it was.

Was it… as delicious as an apple?

No, it couldn't possibly be as delicious as an apple. He shook his great head, and continued on his way back to Light's house. The neighbours he'd been spying on were actually halfway across town from Light's house, but the shinigami felt that living in the same town qualified as being neighbours.

Light had said that all humans had different tongues. Well, he'd actually said a lot more, and then thrown some books onto his bed and told the shinigami to read them if he needed more answers. But Ryuuku wasn't exactly the reading type. It must have been the influence of his years spent spying on the human world that made him want to learn through observation. Yes, observation was the way to go. Either that or having Light explain everything very simply. Yes, observations or simple explanations.

And Light had explained that humans had different tongues that tasted things differently. So some things tasted good, and other things tasted not good, and it was different for all people. It was possible that some people would think of apples as disgusting.

Ryuuku had been appalled. Apples, disgusting? What a horrifying thought. Apples were, apples were… apples were what kept the twisty-twist at bay. He shuddered a bit. The twisty-twist was a nasty thing. He didn't always tell Light things that were "important" but it was mostly because he couldn't remember things very well. He'd had a bad case of the twisty-twist a long time ago. Internal organs suffered from the twisty-twist as well as the outer limbs, and his brain had been hit hard. It was now quite addled, but Ryuuku was able to go on living, getting his shinigami groove on when needed. It was difficult to remember certain things, though, and sometimes, he remembered very odd things that he was sure hadn't happened. So, he used the fact that he wasn't on anyone's side to his advantage, so that no one could ever tell how scatter-brained he actually was.

Damn that twisty-twist. It was a horrid disease.

Light had also said that kissing was an enjoyable activity. Ryuuku wasn't exactly sure as to how it was enjoyable. After a while, people started to moan and make disgusting noises as they kissed. It was quite intriguing. Humans were really stupid, sometimes. Why continue on with something that was painful? Unless they were all masochists, in which case, they'd still all be really stupid.

A man slammed a woman into the wall ahead of Ryuuku, pulling him out of his reverie. She screamed, scratching at the man's face, which began to bleed. Her scarf was forced over her face. The man's laughter and the woman's mumbled cries for help followed Ryuuku as he floated home.

Yes, humans were quite interesting, yet confusing, as well.

He passed under a tree, and sat down on one of the branches, staring at the couple below him. They were exchanging spit in the dark of the night. How romantic. He flipped upside down and floated at head-level with them. Yes, there was indeed some spit swapping going on. Also a lot of touching.

He floated closer. Surely, their breath must taste amazing. Why else would humans suck it out of each other so fervently? There was no other explanation.

He leaned in, ready to take a big gulp, and –

A woman's high-pitched scream (which sounded as high as a cat's yowl) sounded and the couple broke apart, eyes darting quickly in the direction of the offending noise.

Damn.

He watched the couple dart away quickly into the night, the man's hand tight around the wrist of the woman as he pulled her to safety. Or a new place where they could kiss without dying women bothering them.

Ryuuku sighed and continued on his way home. Stupid humans. It was like they didn't want to share their breath. He got to Light's house and was in through the wall when he realized that he'd never seen three humans kissing before. He'd seen three people having sex (and it had looked, and sounded, horrifically painful) but never three of them kissing. But why? Was there some sort of rule that made it impossible to kiss more than one person at once?

How horrid. Then all his attempts at stealing human breath would have been for nought. What a waste of time.

He floated up the stairs, and entered Light's room, his mind a dull mess.

"Ryuuku," came Light's voice. "I've been waiting for you," he continued, not bothering to ask Ryuuku how his day had been. Not that Ryuuku cared, it was just, well, all the other humans seemed to do it. There was no "welcome home" greeting, either. How rude. He drifted around, taking in the sight of a large bowl of apples sitting on Light's desk.

Light continued to blather on. "I've got a question about the Death Note."

Again? Ryuuku turned his head. "What do you want to know, now?"

Light smiled, the light of the moon falling in an angelic halo about his head. Light was actually a very good-looking human male. Ryuuku had been thrilled that it hadn't been a pasty-faced, acne-scarred, four-eyed, overweight lump of a human being who had picked up the Death Note. Ryuuku had very good luck with chance, though. He was good at dicing, which was one of the more common gambling games in the shinigami world. Ah, the good times he had had… it was delightful, that world. Well, except for the apples. Those sucked.

Light was looking at him expectantly. Whoops. Ryuuku had totally missed whatever he had said.

"You weren't listening, were you?" asked Light, tilting his head. He manoeuvred himself between the apples and Ryuuku, grabbing an apple in his hand. "Listen to my question, answer it truthfully, and I'll let you have this apple."

Ryuuku stared at Light in disbelief. How rude. A human threatening a shinigami. How laughable.

Light sneered, and tilted his head, opening his mouth to talk again.

Ryuuku ignored him. It would be a while before the twisty-twist bore its quirky head. He stared at Light as he spoke, though, to give some semblance of paying attention. He focused his gaze on Light's lips and the way they moved as he made whatever ridiculous point he was trying to make.

Sighing inwardly, Ryuuku thought again about kisses. He definitely needed someone to kiss, so that he could also taste the breath of a human. He would like to have a woman… but he couldn't possibly choose someone off the street. Mostly because they wouldn't be able to see him, and if anybody caught it on tape, well, bad things would probably happen. He couldn't do a thing with Misa either, seeing how she was head over heels in love with Light and—

Light was a human!

Sometimes, he astounded himself with his genius.

So, Light was human, and as a human, he had lips. And so, he was capable of kissing. Ryuuku was pretty sure that Light wouldn't let Ryuuku kiss him, though. He wouldn't even let Misa kiss him, and she was cute, for a human. How could Ryuuku get his lips on Light's and not get in trouble? He couldn't make a deal with Light, he knew much better than that. Light would always have the advantage when thought was involved. He wracked his mind for some way to get a kiss from Light, and remembered the woman from earlier on that night. The man had just grabbed her and slammed her against a wall…

He stared at Light for a second, who was still going on in full rant mode, talking about the evils of life and how he had to clean the world and how Ryuuku would be his second in command and a whole lot of other stuff Ryuuku had already heard.

Not giving himself a chance to change his mind, Ryuuku lunged for Light. His wide lips smashed onto the side of Light's face and the two of them slammed into Light's desk. The apple fell from Light's hand as he flailed and struggled, much like some of the people Ryuuku had observed. He knew how to deal with that. He grabbed at Light's crotch and squeezed, none too gently. That calmed the teenager down. Actually, he just kind of froze, with a look of confusion and terror rampant across his face. Ryuuku shifted his lips over Light's, realizing now that his own lips were much too large to fit properly against the youth's face. He sucked in, and pressed down, and moved his mouth around as he had seen humans doing.

He couldn't taste anything! Lame.

Opening his eyes, he realized that stupid Light still had his mouth closed, and he was struggling again, his breath snorting in and out of his nose. Perhaps Ryuuku was being too forceful? He calmed down a bit, pulled back and watched Light's brightly coloured eyes as they darted from his eyes to his lips. Ah, he was still breathing. Ryuuku went down again, and this time, Light was pressing his lips back at him, his breathing coming in shallows gasps. Light was bucking his hips against Ryuuku's hand and Ryuuku squeezed tighter to make him stop squirming. And as he did so, Ryuuku tasted his first kiss.

It tasted like consommé-flavoured chips.

What the fuck.

Ryuuku floated back up into the air, hunching his back more than usual. Stupid humans. What the hell was so good about consommé? He grabbed the fallen apple from the floor and bit deeply into it as he continued to hover in thought. He had almost thought he'd felt the twisty-twist coming on for a second. He noticed Light lying on the floor, his brown hair in disarray, his breathing heavy, his coffee-coloured eyes wild. He looked suitably ravaged.

Hmph. Consommé.

He continued to stare into Light's disoriented eyes as he floated, enjoying the juices as they worked over his tongue. He wondered what was going on under Light's thick hair. He was a genius, all right, Ryuuku had to give him that. He could practically see the cogs whirring in Light's brain. He wondered what kind of conclusion Light would come up with to justify this occurrence.

Light stood up, turning his head a bit, and then shaking it. "Ryuuku," came his breathy voice at last. Ryuuku continued to chew on his apple as the boy fixed his tie. "I trust that this will not become regular occurrence?" He sat down in a chair, and locked eyes with Ryuuku.

Maybe, maybe Ryuuku had done this kissing thing the wrong way.

The core of the apple disappeared down Ryuuku's throat and he chuckled darkly to himself, his bulging eyes glistening as he saw Light swallow hard.

Teehee. Humans were indeed quite interesting.

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LOL. What the fuck? Annette is totally on crack. Even more so than usual. She also had to stop like, twelve times, because she was snickering too hard.