Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Note: If you're new to the Holiday Chaos thing, I suggest starting with St. George's Day and moving forward, it'll make more sense and you'll get some extra laughs out of it. And if you're not new, I'm sorry this is late. School is horrible and life is full of its own brand of chaos in the form of my birthday tomorrow. That's right, it's my birthday tomorrow, so show the love. Also, because tomorrow's my birthday I'll be updating Oliver Wedding early in the day (my day).
Talk Like A Pirate Day
Tommy set two steaming coffee cups down on the table as gently as possible. He then lifted his chair up, pulled it out, and set it down with as much care as if it were made of glass.
"So," he sighed finally, "tell me what could possibly have caused you to come to this den of pain and suffering."
Andros' mug froze halfway to his mouth. He slowly set it down and said, "Fatherhood is really taking its toll on you, isn't it?"
Tommy put a quick finger to his lips and Andros held up his hands in apology. Both men looked up as if they could somehow see through the ceiling.
"Apparently," Tommy said in a whisper, "morning sickness is supposed to end by now. But Junior's been kicking her organs so much that she spends the same amount of time in the bathroom."
Andros smiled. "My kids are all telepathic—and Ashley wasn't used to anyone except me and maybe Zhane and Karone in her mind. Those kids formed a telepathic bond that had her on her knees for practically the whole first pregnancy."
Tommy chuckled. "Kim says the kicking is my fault, because I do it so much in battle. Anyway," he said more seriously, "what are you doing here—and only half dressed, I might add?"
Andros rolled over lazily in bed. DECA hadn't sounded the alarm yet, and she probably wouldn't for at least a year now that Ashley was pregnant. Andros wrapped an arm over his wife, pressing close to her and running a hand over her belly. It was too early for her to be showing, but his child was still there.
"Good mornin'," Ashley sighed and then added three words that made Andros' blood run cold, "me bonny cap'n."
Andros pushed himself up quickly so that he could look Ashley in the face. "What did you just say?"
"Ye heard me, well enough," Ashley grunted.
"DECA?" Andros called, climbing swiftly from the bed and pulling clothes out of the dresser. "What day is it?"
The computer voice sounded a bit too pleased when it said, "Today is Wednesday, September 19, 2007."
"September 19th?" Andros cried. "You're supposed to warn me!"
Ashley let out a cackle. "Today be a fine day," she said, sitting up.
"You stay away from me," Andros said, pulling on a pair of pants and stumbling out the door.
"Avast!" Carlos' voice echoed down the corridor. "Cap'n! This be a right fine morning, don' ye think?"
"What are you doing here?" Andros asked, backing swiftly away from his teammate.
"I called them," Zhane said in his usual chipper voice. Andros turned quickly, glad that someone was with him, and saw Zhane's face fall. "Er," the man said, considering, "aarg."
"No," Andros moaned, laying his head against the wall.
"Come now, Cap'n," Cassie said, "there be a meal ready in the mess and a long day of following the North Star ahead." She took him by the shoulders and steered him down the hall. "No, Cap'n," she said when he tried to go into the Medical Bay, "the mess is on the starboard side."
"So," Tommy asked, fighting back a chuckle, "why are they so into Talk Like a Pirate Day?"
"It's Divatox. They had a lot of experience with pirates because of her and then when they found out that she's Dimitria's long-lost sister, they decided to just go ahead and embrace the day. I try to be as far away from the ship as I can every year. It drives me crazy."
"So how did you get away?"
"That part is pretty funny," Andros laughed.
Ashley and Zhane had taken the seats on either side of Andros while the others either ate or got up to get something else from the Synthetron. Andros glared across the table at TJ and TJ just smiled back as if nothing was wrong. That was fine with Andros, because he wasn't actually looking at TJ, he was watching the Jump Tubes, looking for an opening.
"TJ!" Karone called, "this plate o' pancakes be too big. Lend yer shipmate a hand."
"That was pitiful," Carlos laughed into his eggs as TJ rose.
"I never thought pirate-speech was something to aspire to," Karone said, "I'm still getting the hang of it."
Once TJ was thoroughly involved in lifting the pancakes, Andros made his move. He spung around, grabbed Ashley and bent her back in a long, passionate kiss. He fought back a smirk as the boys began letting out whoops of encouragement. He subtly used his telekenesis to lift up several of the plates. "I love you," he said telepathically to which Ashley responded very favorably. Andros was tempted to abandon his plan until she threw in a "Cap'n." "But," he added quickly, "I just can't take this day." Her eyes snapped open but before she could cry out Andros sent food flying. He ignored TJ's cry of "Hot syrup!" vaulted over the table, and dove down his jump tube. He cackled as the Power washed over him, the images of Carlos and Zhane covered in hashbrowns and scrambled eggs finally registering.
Andros' feet hit the Galaxy Glider just as Ashley's voice crackled over the comm.
"Andros!" she cried.
"I can't do it, Ash! I can't handle this day! I'll be back tomorrow."
"And what do you want me to tell our children?"
"When they wake up, tell them I'm on a mission or something. By the way," he added evilly, "I got you to stop the pirate-speak."
"Aaarg! Man the cannons!"
"So," Tommy said slowly, "you're running from your wife."
"You're running from your Ranger wife."
"You're running from your Ranger wife and you decided to hide here?"
Tommy stood quickly. "We have to leave."
"Because," Tommy said distractedly as he shoved various foodstuffs in a bag, "she will find you and turn Kimberly against me—not a hard task at this stage of pregnancy—and then we will die."
"Oh come on."
Somewhere upstairs Kimberly awoke to find that she had to both go to the bathroom and actually walk across the room to do that very important action. "Aarg!" she cried.
Andros paled. "Pack faster."
AN: There you go, pirate chaos for everyone's favorite holiday.