"The Chicken Incident"
By- Fira, The Mouse of Anon
Disclaimer: I do not own Legend of Zelda. I do not own Link, Sheik, Zelda, Navi, or anybody else. The only thing I do own is this demented little fic, the idea behind it, and the 'Zelda-chicken'. Now that that's out of the way, any and all idiots who would seek to sue my poor little college-bound hide can stop glaring at me right this bloody minute. Thank you.
For DrippingInk, Cocbys, Suicidal Sweety, Zaran, Rama Olendris, Lilkanna, Irish Whirlwind, Soriku-video-gamer, and Mahoakitti- You all asked to see more of the Sheik lunacy, and so therefore I am giving it to you! I present to all of my Zelda-loving fans... The Chicken Incident.
Warning: Prepare for Sheik randomness and insanity. (Yes I know that's highly out of character for him, but I'm willing to bet he's got a tweaked sense of humor.) Thankfully though I've been able to watch my friend Rama Olendris play Ocarina of Time, so I've got Link's personality figured out a bit better. Also, in this fic Sheik and Zelda are different people, so don't give me any of that "Sheik is Zelda" crap: I already know. I also know a way that could actually work out, but it's not important. What is important is that if you've managed to survive past this boring and horrible spiel of mine, then you can enjoy the general lunacy that is to come. One last thing: Review! My muses would love you forever if you did!
It was a quiet and peaceful day during Link's travels; this was nothing new of course, but what was peculiar was the fact that a certain Sheikah was traveling with him for once. Now normally the hylian would be glad of the company, but for some reason he felt wary and on edge. There was a perfectly understandable reason for this of course, it was just a bit hard to pinpoint. Link couldn't be sure if it was his imagination or not, or if it was just a series of unusual dreams, but bizarre things seemed to keep happening whenever he was around the sheikah. A small thing here, a small thing there, all of which made Link doubt his sanity. It did not help that immediately after said incidences his traveling companion would act as though nothing of the sort had happened. You might think that these occasions would be easy to prove as either real or not; but that is where you'd be wrong. The only time any of those bizarre occurrences happened was when Link was completely alone with Sheik. Therein lay the problem.
Traveling as they were across the immense fields of Hyrule, Link astride Epona and Sheik calmly walking beside the horse, there was no one else in sight. As far as Link knew, anything could happen. Can he really be blamed for feeling a little uneasy under the circumstances? He pondered on the insane things that had been randomly happening during his time alone with the sheikah, wondering in his silence if all of it had just been his imagination… hoping that it was only his imagination.That was when they started going past the lone farm; and the flock of chickens residing there.
Link did not need to even see the minute gleam of mischief in Sheik's eyes to feel a deep sinking sense of dread. Silently he prayed that nothing strange would happen. He should have known that not even the three goddesses would have mercy on him now. Before he could even so much as look at the sheikah, he was off like a shot and veering toward the farm. Coming to a stop and staring after Sheik, Link could not believe his eyes. Quickly he rubbed them to make sure he wasn't just hallucinating, but once he looked again his eyes were greeted with the sight of his traveling companion disappearing into the chicken coop. The next thing he knew there was a loud and shrill squawk of panic that could only have come from one of the birds.
"Back! Back I say! Zelda- I'll save thee from the horrors of your cursed chicken-dom! Ow, get off!" Link's eyes went even wider as Sheik's voice split the air and interrupted the shrieking fowl. The hylian hero could only hope that it was some horrible dream. That was when the sheikah came tumbling out of the chicken coop in a cloud of feathers; holding aloft a red-feathered beast (which looked more like a rooster than a hen) that was screaming up a storm and cursing in words that Link was sure not even Sheik or Zelda knew of. Link's hopes that it was just a bizarre dream were shattered. That wasn't to be the worst of it however. No, instead Sheik had far more plotted out in his clearly insane desert-born mind than Link could have ever imagined.
Bolting to the hero Sheik held up the poor bird almost desperately. "Take her Link! Take her and run far away from here so that we might still have a chance to return her to her original form!"
Link stared at his traveling companion in silence for a few moments. Sheik still looked up toward him just as desperately without moving. Finally the hylian spoke, his tone incredulous, "What are you talking about?"
Sheik's response amounted to an annoyed frown (or at least in as much as Link could tell), and a brief lecture that made absolutely no sense what-so-ever. "Zelda has been trapped in the form of this chicken," he slightly waved said beast, "and we must return her to normal! Hurry Link! Before there's no time left!!! The fate of Hyrule's princess depends on you!"
'On second thought… this has to be a dream. A really, really, REALLY bad dream.' Link once again stared at Sheik. "…Are you crazy?! It's just a chicken! A rooster! It's not Zelda!" For a moment the pointy-eared blond could have almost sworn that the sheikah before him grinned behind his face-wrappings.
"How dare you say such things about your princess! Do you care anything for her feelings? And you call yourself the Hero of Time!" His tone was nothing if not overdramatic. To say that Link was completely bewildered would have been an understatement. The accusatory (and thoroughly ridiculous) tirade continued. "Why, she won't be saved if you do nothing! Think man! –Do you want her to suffer for the rest of her poor and pathetic existence as nothing more than a barnyard fowl? Have mercy upon her and all of Hyrule! If you do it not for her and the peoples of Hyrule, then do it to sate your conscience- for surely that's worth more to you than all the rupees in the world."
Link felt the peculiar desire to ride to the nearest town or village to start banging his head on the closest available wall. "But it's a chicken…"
Sheik arched an eyebrow and gave a close approximation to a derisive snort. "Fine… I see how you are. Here, hold this," and so saying he shoved the flailing and panicking bird into Link's arms only to turn and bolt back into the chicken coop. A distressed noise somewhere between a squeak and a whine escaped the Hylian's lips only to be ultimately ignored. Simply put; Link was struck speechless. The Sheikah's next actions would traumatize him even worse.
An ecstatic whoop rent the air and the desert-born blond exploded from the coop with a chicken under each arm and at least half of the flock scattering before him. If hylians believed in hell, I'm quite certain that Link would have been convinced of his residence therein. In no way was Link prepared to have a white bird come sailing at his head. His senses came back to him in time to let out a startled scream and duck- just as Epona reared. In an ordinary situation the idea of his-nose-colliding-with-horse-neck would have had him less than thrilled; add on top of that a sheikah that was clearly out of his mind and who had flung a chicken at him, and Link's rising sense of panic was complete.
Narrowly avoiding being knocked senseless, Link clung for his life as a second chicken followed the first. Sadly, Epona was a rather high-strung horse. Her response to the second bird was to buck and rear in such a rapid succession that Link felt a bone-aching jolt when she landed from her temporary mid-air state. It was a miracle that he wasn't flung from her (and trampled for that matter). Link dared to look up for the briefest moment; and suddenly gripped Epona's mane so hard that his knuckles were white. What causing this 'irrational' show of fear? -A volley of chickens sailing through the air with more following them.
Before Link could so much as say a single word, the crazy sheikah ducked under Epona's flailing hooves and was just narrowly able to avoid getting trampled into a sheikah flat-cake. Of course the reason for this became evident in his next action; Sheik was trying to keep the birds in the air. "Noooo! They must not touch the ground- the world as we know it depends on it!" The dark blue-eyed hylian looked at Sheik like he was completely out of his mind (which by this point he was most certainly convinced of).
He had no time to let his red-eyed traveling companion know about this epiphany however, as roughly about five birds shot into the air courtesy of said maniac. At this point the rooster which still held a shocked residence on the saddle in front of Link let out a desperate squawk and shot into the air- …right past Link's face. Once again Link had to thank his thorough grip on Epona for preventing his fall. Said horse was nearly screaming in panic as volley after volley of birds flew at her. Though he made almost no noise, Link's shattered nerves matched the state of his horse.
Sheik's response to the rooster's escape terrified Link even further. Letting out a horrified gasp the desert-born lunatic shrieked, "Zelda knows not what she's doing! You must not let her escape or we'll never have any hope of her return to being Hylian!" Without another word, Sheik charged after the unfortunate fowl, causing birds to scatter before him. With terrified squawks and shrieks assailing his ears, Link buried his face in Epona's mane and clung so tightly it would take a crowbar to pry him off. Epona did NOT appreciate this one bit.
Epona's mid-air flights increased, encouraged by the panic the birds induced as well as the panicking Link. With every time she landed Epona narrowly avoided flattening several birds at a time, and the shell-shocked hylian could almost feel his teeth rattling. The idea of throwing his shield at the sheikah briefly crossed his mind, but was then promptly blotted out as his forehead made contact rather painfully with the neck of his panicked horse. Unable to help himself a few choice words in hylian escaped him as he brought his head back up so as to avoid brain-damage. And then a large flailing bird smacked into his face.
Link dropped his grip on Epona to shove the bird away… and then promptly regretted it five seconds later as he fell off. Fortunately, having been thrown by the horse before, he knew how to land rolling so that he could reduce any potential injury. Unfortunately, he nearly rolled over three chickens in the process. As he regained his footing Link suddenly became aware of how agitated the overexcited birds were. He knew that all it would take was a couple more minutes of this madness before the chickens decided to attack, and his heart sank into his toes.
The situation was ripe for it: Epona was jumping around like a gigantic one-eyed spider-crab was after her, there were twelve protesting birds in the air, and Sheik was grabbing whichever ones happened to be nearby and sending them flying- including the 'Zelda chicken' as he insisted on calling it. "Fly Zelda Chicken! Fly for your life! No, don't land- then you'll die. Your people don't desire your death princess!" Link took all of this sheer lunacy in and a panicked twitch shuddered through his body. His poor hylian brain was near the exploding point and there wasn't much more that he could take.
Suddenly everything went quiet in a moment of silence that only bears thinking about when one knows they are in the deepest nether-regions of hell; and then came the enraged squawk. Link's eyes went wide, and letting out a phenomenal shriek which hit pitches that Sheik had been quite certain were impossible for the hylian, he dropped to the ground and covered his head. Within moments the number of chickens present doubled, no, tripled as they descended upon the three offenders. The air was split by the sounds of a screaming horse, squawking and flapping enraged chickens, Link's panicked shrieks; and Sheik's near-maniacal laughter. The chaotic noises were worse than anything Link had ever had to deal with when on the battlefield.
Fortunately Link had enough sense left to him (barely) to seize hold of Epona's saddle as she bolted past him. Clearly Epona had had more than enough, and so had the blond hylian. Desperately dragging himself back into the saddle as his horse ran for her life, Link hoped- no, prayed- that the insane sheikah was being left behind. Both horse and hylian made good their escape with chickens and a yowl from Sheik trailing after them. "Noooo! Link, curse you! -You've abandoned the Zelda Chicken! Now she'll never turn back!!!" Link couldn't get Epona to run away fast enough.
Link grumbled as he pulled yet another feather out of his bedding. He'd managed to get as far away from that goddesses-forsaken farm as possible before the sun went down; and now, after having set up camp, he was stuck sitting in front of the fire removing feathers from his various possessions. To say the least he now knew, 100, that Sheik was, in fact, crazy. There were no longer any doubts in his mind as to the various odd occurrences that happened around the dark-skinned man; they weren't Link's imagination and they were all Sheik's fault.
Angrily removing feathers from his clothes and bedding one-by-one, Link grumbled (more like ranted) under his breath about all the things he would like to do to a certain insane, maniacal, mischievous, and deceptive chicken-throwing sheikah. As it was it had been difficult to calm his high-strung horse, especially with his own jangled nerves. The fact that Navi had slept through all of it in his hat without waking was unbelievable and defied almost any normal rule of reality. After she'd woken up and began asking him what had happened, Link hadn't had the heart to relate all of the insanity of the day to her. So he had simply summed it up as, "Chicken attack," and left it at that.
Now he was entirely on his own (except his horse), with the pile of feathers beside him slowly growing, as Navi had taken off to go speak with other fairies in the area. The hero of Hyrule paid little attention to the various noises of the night, including the sounds of a breeze winding its way through the branches of a tree when there was no breeze. Link did take notice however, when that 'breeze' dropped from an overhead branch to land directly across the fire from the pointy-eared blond in the form of the deranged sheikah he'd just been grumbling about.
The hylian glared as he clutched his bedding almost as if to protect it from contamination. Sheik merely raised both eyebrows in an amused look, one of the few times Link could recall seeing both of those red eyes at once; and then comfortably sat down where he stood. Link increased the vehemence of his glare, but to Sheik's view it only served to make the hylian look like he was pouting. After a few moments of silence Link growled while still gripping his feather-coated bed, "What do you want?"
Instead of answering, the red-eyed sheikah calmly stated, "You have feathers in your hair."
"And whose fault is that?" the feathered hylian snapped. In comparison Sheik looked remarkably feather-free.
Sheik shrugged; his answer as calm and collected, as serious, as Link was ever used to. "I don't know; whose fault might it be?" Link could only stare in dumbfounded shock. This freak, this lunatic, this insane desert-born maniac, had the gall to act like nothing had happened that day? That he was in no way at fault for the fact that his fellow blond now looked like his hair was made up of nothing but white feathers?
Link sputtered and stumbled over his words as he began ranting at the impossibly calm sheikah in front of him. "Whose fault… whose fault?!- It's your fault you lunatic! You're the one who did this," here he pointed violently at the feathers in his hair and at the pile beside him. "You're the one who went charging into the chicken coop and started throwing birds and- and… YOU'RE CRAZY. You're insane. That wasn't Zelda; that was a rooster- and you nearly got me killed- I don't know how… You're just- and feathers EVERYWHERE. It's all your fault. You're crazy, you're insane, and this entire day and everything in it is your fault- so don't you dare play innocent because the feathers and the chickens are all your fault."
The sheikah was beginning to suspect that perhaps he'd pushed the hylian's mental faculties a bit too far; he was after all, having a hard time stringing a decent sentence together. '…Nah. Besides, what could one more little push hurt?' Arching an eyebrow as though he'd almost no sense of humor to speak of, Sheik politely queried, "Is it really?"
Again Link was stunned into silence, staring in incredulous disbelief at the deceptive desert-born maniac that Zelda had somehow, through whatever failed presence of mind, seen fit to employ to help Link on his quest. He couldn't help the words that escaped him, nor their rising pitch and volume. "What is wrong with you?!"
"Absolutely nothing at all." The sheikah's sentence was delivered with a perfectly straight face, which was actually rather hard to accomplish considering how close he was to laughing.
Link stared, and then began sputtering and trying to get across his point as he flailed. "But- but- …ZELDA CHICKEN!" Yes, clearly the day had been a bit more than the poor hylian had been prepared to face.
Sheik may have been able to force down the snicker that was threatening to bubble up and overwhelm him at any moment, but he couldn't keep the mirth from his sparkling red eyes. "Oh yes, her. I decided to let her roam free. Perhaps she can happily rule over the other chickens of the world and will be content with that."
Wide blue eyes stared at Sheik… and stared… and stared. Finally Link snapped back to his senses. Seizing hold of a large clump of feathers and throwing them at Sheik over the fire (fortunately high enough so that none of them erupted in flames), Link glowered at him. "LUNATIC."
Bringing up a hand to try to stifle his laughter, Sheik grinned behind his face wrappings and stated, "Congratulations my friend, you've found me out. And it's all thanks to the Zelda-Chicken."
"CRAZY! FREAK! LUNATIC! MANIAC! If Zelda knew you were like this she'd fire you on the spot!"
"…That's just the thing, she can't."
Link glared at Sheik for a long moment before snapping out, "You can sleep in a tree tonight for all I care. There's no way I'm sharing my tent with a lunatic like you." Sheik and Link stared at each other for another long moment; and then the sheikah just couldn't keep it in anymore. The desert-born bastard started snickering, and then out-and-out laughing as Link looked on. 'Goddesses above, what did I ever do to deserve this?' Link had to wonder… It was going to be a long night if he had to listen to Sheik's maniacal cackling throughout. Worst of all, he knew that even if he did try to tell anyone about Sheik's lunacy, no one would believe him. Not even Zelda. Too bad the 'Zelda Chicken' couldn't talk.
II There is the button,
II so review already.
II n.n I know you all absolutely love the Sheik-insanity.
V Review! The Zelda Chicken commands it!