Name: Like Them Long (A Final Fantasy VII fanfic)
Author: iiv (with some help and ideas from my friend choc)
Genre: Humor
Rating: T / R
Summary: The guys get a shock of a lifetime when they hear what exactly is the number one topic between the girls when the guys aren't around.
Disclaimer: No, I don't own them! If I did, I wouldn't be writing this now, since it would have already happened in the games or the movie. :D (or not) So the characters (and their equipments) belong to the lovely Square Enix. What a shame.
Warnings: Burning mental images! Yes, consider yourselves to be warned. The fic contains a lot of adult themed innuendos (exploiting minors, slash, Prince Albert piercings (xD) etc)
Pairing(s): No real pairings, but many suggestions.

A/N: This is what you get when you're very tired and sugar high :D I apologize if I offend someone with this. It was written mostly out of boredom. I also apologize if my horrible english offends someone. xD It's not my mother language, so please excuse the awkwardness.


Cloud opened the door and stepped inside the 7th Heaven. The lights were off and no one was in sight. The chairs were lifted on the tables and everything smelled clean.

"Where's Tifa?" Cid was right behind him looking around curiously. Cloud walked towards the door at the back of the bar, quickly followed by Reeve and Barret. Vincent and Cid stayed at the doorway, Cid swaying lightly.

"I don't know, she should be here. Tifa?" But she was not at the back of the bar either.

"Someone just giggled upstairs." Vincent noted and stepped fully inside closing the door behind him. Cid decided it was better to lean against Vincent's shoulder than to try stand straight on his own.

"Yeah, it sounded like the brat." He muttered while trying to find his cancer sticks – as Yuffie so fondly called them – from his pocket.

"Don't call her that, Cid." Cloud warned while heading for the stairs.

"You ain't gonna go talk to 'em, are ya? Teef's gonna give ya hell if she sees you're drunk." Barret chuckled.

Cloud swallowed. "I guess you're right. We'd better just head straight to beds and hope they won't notice."

After some nodding they slowly and quietly creeped upstairs. When they were about to pass by Tifa's door they heard Yuffie giggle again.

"Honestly, Tifa? You like Reno's? But it's so... tiny!"

"It's not that small! Besides it's sort of... telescopic. It gets bigger when used."

The guys stopped right at their tracks. Cloud looked like he was going to throw up, Cid had trouble not to snicker while still supporting himself against Vincent and Barret and Reeve were staring at the door looking rather shocked.

"What the...?" Reeve started, but Cloud hushed him to be quiet. He pressed his ear against the door trying to find out if the girls were really talking about what he thought they were. He didn't really need to get so close to the door since they all could hear both girls loud and clear.

"I think it's still too small. Short ones are really just useless. What's the point if you can't even reach with it? Nope, I like them long! Although I don't like Cid's. In the end it's just a long toothpick, right? Where's the point in that? Nope, it has to be long and large."

Cid looked rather offended after Yuffie's comment. "Toothpick?! The brat's never even seen my 'toothpick'!"

Vincent had to grab Cid's arm so he wouldn't just barge in. After the next sentence, however, he wished he had let Cid interrupt their conversation.

"If you prefer them long and large, how come you like Vincent's best? I don't mean it's small, but it's not very long, is it?"

"Pfft... Do you have any idea how good he is with it? I mean, talk about infallible aiming! He never misses. It's just amazing! And it looks gorgeous, too. No matter if it's not that big."

"I think Marlene shares your enthusiasm. When she hid under Vincent's cloak from Cloud, she got quite a good look at it. She wouldn't stop talking about it for weeks!"

Vincent suddenly felt four pairs of eyes staring right at him. And at least half of them looked murderous. He quickly stepped back few steps (Cid had trouble to keep up since Vincent was still holding his arm) and shaked his head. "No... I... never..." Before Barret, or anyone else for that matter, could say or do anything, Tifa was speaking again.

"And about his 'infallible aiming'... Well, he has had plenty of practise when he was a Turk, right? And I disagree with your preference for long ones. Obviously you've never been at the receiving end of Sephiroth's might. It looks great from afar, but hell does it hurt... And poor Cloud! You know, he really got the worst of it!"

Cloud could have sworn he felt his jaw hit the floor. How could they...? Everyone was now openly gaping at him – the whole Vincent-Marlene situation forgotten – and he could feel his cheeks were starting to get warm. He tried to say something but nothing came out. Luckily Yuffie saved the trouble.

"Yeah, I guess he did. But Cloud himself also has quite a long one, doesn't he?"

"Yes, it is rather long, although you don't pay attension to it's lenght when you see it for the first time. After all, it's just so... big in every sense."

Cloud could have looked rather smug if he still weren't so shocked about the previous conversation. Suddenly a third voice joined the the two girls. Everyone could recognize the young Tsviet's monotonic tone.

"I do not think Cloud Strife's is any match to Azul the Cerulean's."

Someone snorted. "Well, obviously. The man himself was so huge. But Spiky is rather... petite. For a male, I mean. So you can say that it's a rather... hmm... pleasant suprise if you know what I mean." The men could tell by Yuffie's voice that she was grinning from ear to ear.

"Then I suppose you should have seen Chaos'. Since we are talking about 'huge'."

Vincent's red eyes widened after Shelke's last words. Reeve gave him a one-sided grin and formed the words "Huge, eh?" with his mouth. Cid snorted and leaned against Vincent's shoulder once more.

"Wait a sec! You've SEEN it? As in actually seen it?" After a short pause, during which Shelke must have nodded, Yuffie suddenly snapped: "NO WAY! That's SO unfair! I want to see it too!"

"I guess the brat likes you, mate." Cid muttered to Vincent. "Well, at least likes your..."

"... you dare to finish that sentence, Highwind." Vincent snarled and shook Cid off of his shoulder. Cid stayed quiet but his annoying grin didn't disappear anywhere.

"Yuffie, why don't you then just ask Vincent to show it to you?"

Yuffie snorted again: "You can't be serious, Tifa. So I'm supposed to just walk up to him and say what? 'Hey Vince, could you do me a little, well not so little a favor? There's something I would really really REALLY like to see'?"

"I would not recommend. After all, Vincent does not like to transform into Chaos. Or any of his demons for that matter."

"Oh, yeah. Talking about his other demons. You know, I always loved Hellmasker's. I mean, it's scary as hell, but GAWD so hot at the same time. And with Hellmasker you can always trust it to work."

"I never liked Hellmasker's so much. It's just too rough and well... dirty for my taste."

Vincent suddenly dispised his inner demons even more. Since there were four of them, it would mean at least twice more talk about him than the others. He just wished he could crawl back into his coffin and stay there for at least few decades.

"She thinks Hellmasker's hot?" Cid muttered disgusted, "What the #¤#&'s wrong with that kid?"

"But anyway, even though his demons are great, I think I still like Vincent's own most. Especially the little jewel that hangs from the tip of it!" Yuffie suddenly declared with a giggle.

"When the hell did ya get it pierced?" Cid's disgusted look changed into an awe-struck in a flash. He also had small amount of admiration in his voice.

Vincent didn't know what to say and he didn't really have time to react anyway. Shelke had joined Yuffie's praising.

"- but Vincent has complained it has the tendency of getting in the way sometimes. Not that I mind, though."

Silence ensued on both sides of the door. Vincent was trying hard to say something in his defense, but absolutely nothing came out.

"You know, Vincent", Reeve suddenly started in a whisper, so that the girls wouldn't hear him, "You could be sued for sexually exploiting minors."

Vincent looked startled, "What?"

"I know Shelke is mentally already of age, but her body is that of a ten-year-old."

"Yeah! And you've been molestin' my Marlene too!" Barret accused.

"I most certainly have not!"

"Shush!" Cloud hissed annoyed. He was trying to listen to the conversation that continued inside Tifa's bedroom.

"So, Shelke, who's do you like most? I mean we know Tifa likes Cloud's, since it's so 'big in every sense' –"

"Hmph! You were the one that liked big ones!"

"Oh, right, I forgot your soft spot for Reno's tiny rod."

"I told you already! It's not that tiny!"

Cloud was so ready to just walk into the room and demand some explanations when Shelke's soft voice stopped him.

"I think I prefer Weiss'. After all, he had two of them."

Reeve lost his footing on the stairs and taking Cid, who he was standing next to, with him as they fell to the floor with a loud crash.

The door opened within seconds and three very frightened-looking girls were staring at the sight infront of them. Cid and Reeve were trying to get off the floor while the rest of the guys were staring wide-eyed back at the girls.

Tifa was the first to speak: "What's going on? What took you so long? Where've you been?" Then she sniffed the air, "Have you been drinking?"

"What if we have? It's not as bad as what you are doing! At least we're not gossiping behind your backs about your... well..." Cloud shut his mouth and hoped someone would finish his sentence for him.

"About our what?" Yuffie asked looking rather confused. She was leaning against the doorway and Shelke was standing right behind her.

"Well... your... boobs."

"Boobs? What are you talking about? We weren't talking about breasts." Tifa glanced at the other girls for support.

"Yes, we know you weren't talking about breasts." Cloud sighed.

"Yeah, you were talkin' about our... equipments." Cid muttered looking rather accusing. He gave Yuffie a rather angry look.

"Huh? And what's so wrong with that? We're not allowed to talk about your weapons?" Yuffie asked. Now it was the guys' turn to look confused.

"Weapons?" Barret asked, "Ye were talkin' 'bout our weapons?"

"As in the ones we use in battles?" Cloud specified.

"You have weapons you don't use in battle then?" Tifa laughed.

"No, but you were talking about Reno's tiny ro... oh, right... His EMR." Cloud started to look rather embarrased. "Telescopic... I'm just really dumb, aren't I?" He muttered to himself.

Tifa gave Cloud a small smile and then turned towards the others. "How long were you listening to our conversation anyway?"

"I guess long enough to get the wrong idea." Reeve muttered looking rather sheepish. The girls glanced at each other.

Yuffie quirked an eyebrow at Reeve, "Wrong idea?"

"Yeah, we thought you were talkin' about our..." Cid made a vague movement towards his crotch. Everyone fell silent for a moment.


Tifa started to giggle after Yuffie's outburst. Yuffie gave her a rather offended glare.

"What's so funny? Tifa, it's not funny! It's disgusting! They thought we were comparing their... man parts!"

Tifa's giggles had increased and she had already trouble breathing. "No... It's just..." She couldn't finish her sentence before another fit of giggles erupted.

"Would you mind sharing the joke with the rest of us?" Yuffie started to sound rather impatient.

Tifa took a deep breath trying hard not to laugh anymore. "Infallible aiming!" she snorted, "Big in every sense! You guys must've had a lot of fun standing behind the door listening!"

"Well, I wouldn't call it fun." Barret muttered giving Vincent a murderous glare.

Tifa's amused look turned into one of pure horror, "Oh! No, Marlene was talking about Vincent's gun! She liked the cute dog heads. Well, I mean she thought they were cute. And she liked Cerberus Relief!"

"What the #¤#&'s a Cerberus Relief?" Barret grunted.

To everyone's suprise Vincent chuckled. "It's the... 'jewel'... that hangs... from my gun."

"Huh?" Cid raised an eyebrow, "So you're sayin' you haven't got it pierced? No PA's down there?"

"What?" Yuffie looked puzzled. It took her almost a minute before she gave a small squeal. "OH MY GAWD! THE MENTAL IMAGE! AAARGH! IT BURNS!"

"Well serves you right!" Cid started to look rather amused watching Yuffie's suffering, "After all the mental images you guys gave us!"

"We are terribly sorry. But you should learn not to listen behind closed doors!" Tifa's stern look was slightly softened by the small smile that creeped to her lips. She still found the situation too amusing.

"My innocent mind has been scarred for good..." Yuffie muttered silently to herself.

"Oh, I so wish I could have seen your faces", Tifa sighed smiling widely. The light blush was evident on everyone's cheeks.