Disclaimer: As per usual, I don't own anything but the storyline and the highly flammable room in which I write this. God help me if someone lights a match in here.
Just something I wondered. I mean from my viewpoint Cid was their guardian while they grew up in Traverse Town late childhood/early teens/whatever…so how did the 'talk' happen for these guys? Really, I'd love to hear other opinions on this. Part of me says it went like this fic, another part says he talked someone else into explaining and another says that Cid sat them down in front of the TV and had them watch porn in order to explain sex, initially scarring them while later on they were simply thankful it wasn't live porn…my mind's a little scary.
Leon's really ooc due to extreme naivety. In my defence he's totally freakin' adorable that way. All gush over naïve!Leon. Gush damnit!
Leon was getting a little frustrated…
There were so many things that the other townspeople said that he didn't understand. Things he had the uncomfortable feeling he should know.
Yuffie's hysterical laughter when he asked the girl to clarify something one woman had said confirmed it more than anything.
So while he was out repairing roofs and pondering over the damnably irritating innuendos, said friends were having a little powwow.
Yuffie held her stomach as she leaned over the side of her chair laughing hysterically. She raised a shaky finger to point at Cid as she tried to speak, failing miserably and eventually giving up so she could concentrate on laughing.
"I don't believe this." Tifa deadpanned, a thin bead of sweat sliding slowly down the side of her face as she shifted her incredulous gaze from person to person. "Leon was never given the erm…the birds and bees talk? ...Hm, that explains why he always looks so confused when he's being flirted with and why I could never figure out if he's gay or straight."
"Cid!" Aerith repeated with exasperation. "Didn't you tell the fairy godmother that if she gave Yuffie and I that talk, you'd do the same for Leon? For goodness sake, the man is nearing 30 and he doesn't know what sex is!"
"Yea, well." Cid grunted, swiping at his nose. "Never had the time. Had to fucking put food on the table didn't I? And then them bloody Heartless and helping Sora and then rebuilding the town…where was I supposed to find the time? Give up a fucking week's worth of sleep? No thank you darling. I'll do a lot for you kids but that is fucking pushing it."
"Cid, even the ducklings know it doesn't talk a week to explain sex." Tifa snorted.
"Well," Aerith started sheepishly, averting her eyes to stare at the wall. "By the time Leon had exhausted every question, it probably would have been a week. You know how curious he is."
Yuffie's laughter increased. "Oh god!" She snorted laughing harder. "I can imagine the questions." She instantly calmed, a dreamy smile curling her lips as her eyes glazed. "We could teach him so many things." She sighed blissfully. "So many things…"
"Your imagination scares me." Cloud muttered standing up.
"Stay right where you are." Aerith ordered. "We have one more thing to discuss." She smiled eerily as every pair of eyes focused on her. Someone was going to do the job; Leon was too popular with the townspeople to be left so damnably naïve. He was going to be jumped one of these days and it'd be all Cid's fault. "Which of your three wonderful men are going to have the talk with Leon?"
For a moment, nothing happened everyone sat staring at each other, the men looking vaguely ill under the expectant gazes of Aerith and Tifa, and Yuffie's gleeful smirk. Then Aerith blinked. That's all she did and suddenly she was left with only Yuffie and Tifa in the room and the door swinging off of its hinges. The ninja was laughing hysterically and volunteering her yaoi doujinshi to help teach Leon while Tifa sat snickering behind her cup of coffee.
Aerith pouted, crossing her arms over her chest as she stamped a foot and glowered at the door.
"Men are such cowards."
"Screw giving the talk; we'll just protect that damned innocence of his. It's the easier option. Way easier."
He didn't understand it.
Suddenly he felt like he was reliving his late childhood, you know, the part with the Heartless? Cid had been very protective in those days and incredibly distrusting of strangers. Leon hadn't realised just how a pile of CD's could be deadly weapons until that stage of his life when he made the error of leaving the carpenter alone in the lounge to replace the floorboards.
And now he had Merlin and Cloud playing overprotective figures alongside Cid.
Stepping back from the newly repaired railing of the castle tower and moving to pick up his toolbox, he sighed as Cloud insisted on doing all the work entailing bending while Merlin sent the townspeople away. Cid was interrogating one guy who now looked ready to cry incidentally; for what reason Leon didn't know, honestly, all the man had done was ask whether Leon preferred ice-cream or ice-blocks.
He looked down as his clothes suddenly felt lighter, blinking in surprise when he found a baggy sweat suit where he'd once had leather…his expensive leather. His eye twitched as he turned around with a dark glare.
"Merlin, change my clothes back or I'll snap your wand in half, knock you unconscious and throw you from this tower. Now."
The old man had never moved so fast. The leather was back and Merlin was on the other side of the tower, shooing the new arrivals away.
Leon really didn't understand it. So he did what he normally did when he was confused.
He waited until their attention was distracted by something else and raced down the stairs to sneak over to Aerith's.
Maybe she could explain all the weird stuff.
Cloud looked up from where he was replacing the cracked concrete slabs and frowned. "Cid…where's Leon?"
"Fuck. Which one of you filthy fuckers took our little Leon?!"
"Your little Leon?" Came a curious voice. "In your case, isn't that paedophilia?"
Cloud sighed as he grabbed the back of Cid's shirt on his way to the stairs. "Let's just find him instead of yelling and killing."
Aerith gave a small shriek when she opened her pantry and found Leon huddled in it, clutching a large bag of flour.
"Gods Leon, what the hell?" She gasped clutching at her chest.
He looked up at her frantically and hastily made shhing noises. "Quiet! They'll hear!"
"Who will?" She whispered, looking around her as Leon grabbed her wrist and tugged her in. She sighed her resignation and sat down beside him as he pulled the doors closed.
"Cid, Cloud and Merlin. They've gone crazy. I'm actually scared."
"You must be. You're hugging my flour." She muttered with a forlorn sigh as he tightened his grip on the bag and pressed himself closer to the shelves. "Can have I that back? I really need to do some baking."
"No! You can't open the doors. It's not safe."
"Well, what are they doing?"
"Well…Cid was questioning anyone who spoke to me. Merlin shooed everyone off the site which has put us behind in repairs and kept magically altering my clothes into a fucking sweat-suit. But the scariest is Cloud." Leon's eyes widened fearfully. "Aerith, he was working on the repairs."
"Oh." She whispered, slumping back against the wall as a shiver run up her spine. "That…that is scary."
"So then I left the site." He continued softly. "And they tracked me down…and then it got worse. They covered me in a thick blanket when it's hot out, Merlin and Cid kept scaring off everyone who came near us which only brought more people out while Cloud moved me away from them all. I'm confused." He complained as he reached up and took down Aerith's small bowl of grapes and began eating them. "Seriously, what's wrong with them?"
Aerith blinked, her mind whirling rapidly at the implications. "Oh my god…" She murmured, jumping to her feet. "I've got to go. Yuffie…Tifa…Bye!" She managed to say before darting out of her pantry, the door quickly snapping shut after her.
Leon moaned and banged his head against the shelf just level with his skull. "Why, why are they all going weird?"
"What? We're doing our job."
"Leon's confused beyond all belief! You've scared him for gods' sake! Will you just give him the talk already?" Aerith yelled, her patience long since expired; throwing her hands up in the air as she spun on her heel and stalked out the door. "When I come back, someone had better have volunteered to do it!"
"Oh the ways to interpret that." Yuffie murmured gleefully. "I vote Cloud for the job!"
"Second it." Cid muttered from under the magazine covering his face, a hand raising and dropping lazily before a snore was heard.
"Me too." Merlin didn't even glance from his book, merely raising a hand before lowering it to turn the page as he began to mutter something incomprehensible.
"Suck it up Cloud. If you can face Sephiroth you can handle this."
"In all honesty, I'd rather face Sephiroth again."
"Get moving Cloud or certain photos will find their way into Yuffie's mischievously evil little paws."
When the pantry door creaked open Leon had been expecting Aerith demanding that he let go of her flour, get out of her pantry and let her bake already. Instead he was confronted with Cloud staring down at him in surprise, blues eyes flickering from his face to the flour and back again.
"…are you…hugging that flour?"
Leon grunted as he hurled the bag at Cloud, even as it split and caused a white eruption which had him coughing, he felt a cheerful satisfaction when he heard Cloud cursing.
At least until Aerith walked in, saw her nearly whitened kitchen, put two and two together and screamed like a banshee as she eschewed the two men from her house, threatening castration if they dared to go near her kitchen again.
Looking highly miffed as flour fell from his bangs when he ran a hand through his hair, Cloud turned towards Leon and grabbed the back of his jacket as the brunet tried to sneak off. "We need to talk." Cloud coughed as he fidgeted slightly. "Um, in private."
Leon sighed as he realised that his solitude was over and nodded reluctantly. "My place." He muttered sullenly as he started off down the path.
Flour-free, Cloud was looking around the lounge in awe while Leon prepared two cups of tea in the kitchen. Leon had never struck him as the type to have a room as vibrant or chaotic like one would expect from Sora; warm colours and lots of…clutter I guess one could call it. Magazines, CD's, restoration paperwork and various other items littered the every available surface, only a small path in the red carpet was left untouched by the mess. Cloud's attention was currently captured by the framed photographs covering one of the walls when Leon walked in and sat down, nudging some papers out of the way to make room for the tea on the small rectangular coffee table in front of them.
"What did you want to talk about?"
"Um, well…" Cloud closed his eyes and swallowed, counting to ten before opening them again, forcing himself to speak. "A-aerith…seems to think you…um, don't know what sex is."
Leon took a sip of his tea before he looked up and shrugged nonchalantly. "I don't know what sex is."
Cloud face-faulted, absolutely floored by the indifference Leon displayed at his obvious lack of knowledge. Privately, he'd been fervently praying that Leon had known but was merely very, very, very naïve despite that knowledge. "O-kaay." He cleared his throat loudly, looking awkward as he distracted himself with his tea. "Er, Aerith…also wanted me to explain it." He mumbled, staring down at his tea unwaveringly. His eyes slowly began to water so he forced himself to blink, silently reminding himself that Leon needed to know, that it wasn't safe to leave a grown man that naïve and unawares…and that Tifa would show those photos if he didn't. Damn her.
Leon inclined his head as he held his cup in both hands, resting it on his lap as he gave Cloud his full attention, one eyebrow raised questioningly. "Go on."
Cloud winced internally. Naïve, he thought, definitely naïve…which was a little scary, he'd never taken Leon to be naïve; that seemed more like Sora's speciality…maybe that was why the pair got along so well. "Right." He coughed, shaking himself from his thoughts. "Um, well, erm…well you know men and women are built differently right?"
"I did get that impression, yes." Leon replied sardonically, eyeing Cloud warily as the blonde blushed and flustered.
"Leon, do me one favour." He drew in a breath as the brunet nodded his agreement. "Shut up and don't talk until I ask if you have any questions."
Leon frowned but nodded again, making a small gesture with his hand telling Cloud to continue.
"Thank you." He muttered. You can do this Cloud, remember: you're bi, not just gay like Yuffie thinks and if you have kids you'd be doing this someday anyway. He looked at Leon waiting patiently for him to continue the explanation before staring up at the ceiling. Or maybe I should just be gay. No woman, no possibility of kids, no kids, no sex talks.
"Okay," Cloud inhaled sharply. "Well, that's so that humans can have children, procreate and that involves sex. Well, people of the same gender can have sex too; they're just unable to have children in the biological sense."
Good, Cloud, goooood. That's one part over, now to explain the act…fuck. He blinked as an idea hit him. Metaphor. People used it all the time didn't they? Why not now? He nodded to himself with a small smile as he settled on what he thought was a good metaphor for the conversation.
"See, sex is like a sword and its scabbard…the sword goes in the scabbard." He said with a feigned brightness, feeling more than one brain cell commit suicide.
Leon frowned and stood up, walking over to where his gunblade was leaning against the wall and picking it up before going over to a large chest under the window. He pulled out a scabbard and sheathed the weapon. Looking up at Cloud he sighed tiredly. "I don't get it. Sorry Cloud, but how is that sex? You said it involved people."
Cloud leant forward and started to bang his head on the coffee table, alternating between pained groans and cussing between thumps. Silently he made a note to kill the others later.
So Cloud was reduced to trying the more conventional methods…
The birds and the bees:
"Cloud, I sincerely doubt that a bee could sting a bird through all those feathers, actually I think the bird might eat the damn bee before it could try, so how does that one work?"
Cloud reacquainted his forehead with the coffee table, finding Leon's naivety just a little too endearing to allow him to punch the man in good conscience…
The planting the seeds and watering the garden:
"Why do I get the impression you're screwing with me?"
Cloud had to bite back the retort that came to mind and reminded himself that his only means of getting out of this was suicide and he had no means of carrying that out…well he had his sword but that would be a little awkward and he knew Leon would probably kill him himself if he dared to get blood all over the paperwork.
The Stork (Admittedly that one had been a moment of insanity brought out by desperation):
"….a stork…carries babies?...what have you been smoking Cloud? I may not understand anything about sex but even I know that one is pure bullshit."
Understandably, by this point Cloud was starting to wonder if maybe this was one big prank designed to drive him insane. Surely there was no way in hell a person could be this naïve. Sora wasn't this naïve for fuck's sake. Closing his eyes he inhaled and exhaled sharply for a few minutes, trying to find that little thread of patience still hiding within him, grasping it tightly when he located it before opening his eyes and looking back at Leon, seeing mildly bored and completely confused grey eyes staring back. He exhaled sharply once more and decided to simply tell the truth, strengthening his resolve as he tried to figure out the best way to explain it.
"Okay Leon, since you fail to grasp the subtle intricacies of metaphors…" He promptly ignored the scowl thrown at him as he swallowed. "I'm forced to give a graphic description. You fucking owe me. Now seriously: do not talk until I've finished and asked if you have any questions."
Cloud's face was just a little bit scary so Leon gave his vow of silence.
"Okay…" Cloud instantly floundered, raising his eyes heavenward pleadingly. "Aw fuck, do I really have to do this?"
"Okay, um well, obviously you and your partner are naked…and…fuck…" 'That's technically it.' He thought ruefully. 'Too bad Leon doesn't understand.'
Leon was still staring, though his eyes had widened fractionally at the 'naked' word.
Cloud was starting to see just why Cid had cheerfully postponed the talk. Leon had clearly been kept unbelievably sheltered throughout his life by those who surrounded him. The brunet didn't even know what a yaoi doujinshi was according to a horror-struck Yuffie. To be honest, he was starting to feel like some filthy old man showing porn to a toddler. Ugh, bad image.
Maybe he should've gotten drunk before trying to explain.
"Well, um, when the couple are a man and a woman, the man…er, well…he takes his…and kinda puts it in the woman's…oh fuck! I can't do this!" He groaned, burying his face in his hands. "This is just wrong on so many levels!"
Leon raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms over his chest as he sat back, watching Cloud's little panic. Suddenly he froze. Eyes flickering over to where his sword rested, still sheathed, widening to the size of dinner plates before swinging back to Cloud and flickering over to the photograph of himself and Aerith as teens in Traverse Town. Blood drained from his face.
Halfway across town, at Merlins, the rest of Leon's friends looked up from their respective activities in mild surprise.
"Oh, it looks like Cloud has finally told Leon." Aerith murmured, making another stitch in her embroidery.
"Hope Leon isn't too traumatised." Tifa muttered, taking another swig of her drink. "Cloud isn't the most tactful guy around."
Cloud looked up from where he'd fallen off of his seat as Leon pointed a shaky finger at him. "Leon?"
"Y-you…what the fuck?!"
Leon was looking at his sword again, looking vaguely sick. 'Ah yes, Leon has pieced it together. Good boy.' Cloud winced, his inner voice sounded scarily like Merlin at the moment. He shuddered before focusing on the hyperventilating brunet in front of him. "Breathe Leon."
Cloud looked up as he picked himself up off the floor. The man was looking pretty terrified and had put as much distance between himself and his gunblade as possible. "Leon?"
"Why would anyone want to put a sword in there?!"
Cloud yelped as he crashed back down to the floor in shock. Someone hated him up there didn't they? Surely his karma was that bad for something like this, right? He sighed again, silently cursing fate. "Wrong sword Leon." He corrected dully, deciding he'd have to be a bit more blunt than he cared to.
Cloud gestured downwards. "The er…fleshy sword goes there."
Leon's eyes widened. "You mean the…"
"Goes in the…"
Leon blinked before his face was flooded by a hot blush. "Oh." He squeaked before falling silent.
Cloud sighed as he stood back up again, his impassive mask finally able to return to his face with that little embarrassment over and done with. He made a mental note to collect the photos and the negatives from Tifa. God knew he'd earned them. "As much as I hate to ask." He said stoically. "Are there any questions?"
"What about two women? Or two men? Can they have sex?"
"Yes, but there is no possibility of children."
"Well, how do they do it?"
"Oh god." Cloud moaned.
"Cloud, seriously, how does that work?"
"…you did not just ask that."
Leon looked bewildered. "What?"
"I don't know the mechanics of lesbian sex Leon –that's sex between two women." He added quickly, seeing Leon's mouth open on a question.
"So you know how it works between two guys?"
'To freaking hell with this.' Cloud thought viciously, eyeing the brunet. One does not put Cloud Strife in this situation. Never. Not even a hot leather clad brunet.
"…I'm not explaining." He said blankly.
Leon didn't look like he was going to relent. "Seriously, how would that work?"
"Drop it Leon."
"No, seriously! Guys don't have…that part…so how does it work?"
"…why are you damn naïve?" Cloud muttered, indulging in a childish whine as he frowned at the other man.
Leon blinked, head tilting to the side just a little as his eyes took on a puppy like quality in his confusion.
Cloud sighed. "Screw this…I'm screwing you." He decided and began to usher the brunet down the hall. "I'm sure Cid said hands on is the best learning experience…"
"Will it explain everything?"
'Too freaking naïve. It's a wonder he has been raped yet.' Cloud thought with a sigh. "Yes, Leon, it will explain everything…"
Yes, that did explain a lot. Leon thought dazedly as his breathing slowly returned to normal, feeling content as a steady heartbeat beat in the chest directly under his ear. As long fingers ran through his hair and warm lips pressed against the top of his head, a question came to him.
"Just to make sure…sex is predominantly about pleasure and creating babies…and only women can get pregnant…