Disclaimer: I don't own, I rent
Summary: Benny's got a stick. It's a special stick. It's a straight, rigid, firm, non-breakable, glass, green striped stick. [crackfic for Sofricus Aurora Zakuro
A/N: So me and Sofri were bored. So what did we do? Give each other random challenges. Hers was to write a story with the prompt "Snackwells" (See Bohemian Rapsody). Mine was this. Random crackfic, all pairings canon. If you don't like this kind of stuff, don't read it. If you do, leave a review?
Benny had a stick. 'Twas a wonderful stick. He sat on his bed, staring at his wonderful stick and muttering "Stick…"
Allison walked in and froze, staring at Benny. After five minutes of total and complete silence, she finally asked. "Benny, sweetie, why are you staring at that stick?"
"Stick," was the only response she got. She tried again, "Why are you staring at that stick?"
She groaned and slapped her forehead, looking around for any empty beer or vodka bottles. Oddly enough, there were none. She walked over and poked Benny's shoulder.
Allison waved her hand in front of his eyes, with no reaction whatsoever. "Okay… this is weird…" she muttered, running a hand through her hair. She took hold of the end of the stick and tugged gently on it.
She shrieked loudly and jumped back, shocked. " BENJAMIN COFFIN III, DID YOU JUST GROWL AT ME???" she screamed at him.
Allison screamed again in frustration and stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Just then, her father knocked on the front door. When she opened it, Allison immediately told her father what was going on in a petulant tone.
Mr. Grey went into the bedroom tentatively, seeing exactly what Allison had described. Benny was sitting on the bed, staring, mesmerized, at a strange green striped glass stick. He walked over and tried his deep employer voice. "Benjamin! Let go of that stick at once!"
"What in the….?" Mr. Grey wondered, scratching the side of his head. He tried tugging on it as well, but the instant his hand touched it;
Mr. Grey jumped back from his son-in-law and gaped at him in astonishment. It was exactly like Allison had said! He left the room more quietly than Allison had, meeting his daughter out in their living room. After much deliberation, Allison offered to call Benny's old buddies. Maybe they'd know what to do.
The seven bohemians came over rather quickly; they'd been bored out of their minds today anyways. Each of them tried something different to get Benny to relinquish his prized stick:
She entered extravagantly and suddenly, throwing the door open with a loud BANG and proclaiming "SAY HELLO TO MO!!" Benny didn't even blink. Maureen huffed slightly at being ignored and stalked over, grabbing the stick and yanking.
She fled the room quickly, flushing as she realized the others had been listening and were now rolling around on the floor laughing so hard they couldn't breathe. Putting her hands on her hips angrily, she said, "I'd like to see you guys do any better!" then stormed off to the kitchen for some ham. (don't ask)
Joanne entered more cautiously, walking over to Benny and asking calmly, "May I have the stick?"
She left the room, shrugging at the others and stating, "I've done all I can," then heading off to join Maureen.
Mark entered the room, camera up and rolling, and took a close up shot from beside Benny. "Benjamin Coffin the third, our ex-roomate-turned-landlord, has become mysteriously mesmerized by this stick. No matter what we do, he won't give it up."
Mark poked the side of Benny's head and got only "Stick," in return, so he left as well, having learned from past mistakes that pulling on it got them nowhere.
Roger walked in and angsted at Benny for thirty straight minutes. The other didn't even blink, contrary to the common reaction of fleeing the room screaming. So Roger tried playing his guitar and belting One Song Glory at him. That didn't work either, so the songwriter gave it up and left.
Mimi closed the door carefully behind her and went to sit down next to Benny. She touched his shoulder gently. "Can I see the stick?"
"I know that. Can I see it?"
This went on for a long while before, in desperation, Mimi did some incredibly provocative dance moves mere inches from Benny. He didn't even twitch. The dancer left looking a bit disappointed. She consoled herself by having a long make-out session with Roger, who was only too happy to oblige.
Collins walked in, looked at Benny for a moment, and burst out into loud laughter for the next ten minutes. He took a few pictures with his new disposable camera and then left.
Angel went in, stood in front of Benny, and said calmly, "May I please have the stick?"
The drag queen snapped her fingers once and said again, "Now, Benny, may I have the stick?"
His eyes cleared of their glazed look, only to be replaced with confusion as he handed over the stick. Angel left the room waving the stick triumphantly, at which point everyone else burst into cheers.
She was followed by a dazed looking Benny, who glanced around at the mass of people in his apartment and asked in a slightly slurred voice, "What're all you guys doing here?"
Allison stalked forwards and grabbed him by the ear, eliciting a rather girly screech of pain. "You've got some explaining to do!" She towed him back into the bedroom, a look of panic on his face.
"What did I do?" his voice came faintly through the door. The bohemians burst into laughter again and headed out, leaving Benny to deal with his irate wife and father-in-law. Once they'd gotten a fair distance away, Angel and Collins suddenly doubled over in laugher, prompting the others to stare at them in confusion. Finally, Mark asked, "What's so funny???"
"That… was… priceless!!" Collins gasped, struggling to stay upright as his body was wracked with explosive laughter.
"What???" Maureen demanded, looking from the anarchist to his lover and back again.
Angel answered her by holding up a small pendulum, gasping out around fits of giggling, "We—we hypnotized—Ben—Benny," Roger looked skeptical, "Hypnotism doesn't really work… does it?"
Joanne, as usual, came up with the obvious answer, "Apparently so, considering what just happened." Everyone looked at each other for a long moment, then they all burst into laughter and talking, asking Angel and Collins how they'd done it as the group headed off to the Life Café for some lunch.
Back at Benny's house…
Mr. Grey stood in the living room, holding the green striped glass stick that Angel had handed him and listening to his daughter yelling at her husband. "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?"
Yes, it's weird. Yes, they're OOC. It's a crackfic. Didja like it? Leave a review! Flames will be used to heat the Loft.