"Finally!" Ganon held aloft a strange object that looked like a metal toilet plunger. "So many times have I failed to obtain the Triforce. I am just not evil enough to wrest it from the hands of the Princess and her Hero! With this Evil Plot Device, I will summon a much darker, more evil version of myself to seize it for me! Ah ha ha ha ha!"
Ganon stuck it up against the side of his Triforce of Power. "Oh, Evil Plot Device, bring to me one of such deep evil, such terrible darkness, that even I would tremble in his presence!"
A blinding blue light appeared next to him, and when it faded away, a tall, heavy-built man stood in his place. The man was dressed in black armor and cloak, with red hair entwined around a small thorny crown. He looked about him in consternation, his eyes resting upon the brightly colored, poorly drawn underworld and its inhabitants. "Eh? What is this place? The Amazing Technicolor Dungeon?"
"O great evil one!" Ganon greeted him. "With you as my servant, the Triforce is mine!"
"What?" he leaned down and squinted at Ganon's piglike face. "Ye gods, you look like me when I first tried that transformation spell. Who are you, Mr. Piggy, and what makes you think I'll serve you?"
Ganon spread his arms as if it were obvious. "I summoned you here using the Triforce of Power! You are a version of me, from another dimension! You will bring to me the Triforce of Wisdom, so that I may rule over Hyrule!"
"Stop yelling all your lines. Okay, three things. One, I serve nobody. Two, you're a goofball. Three, get me back home where I belong."
"But, but…" Ganon stuttered. "You are a version of me! You don't want to rule Hyrule?"
"If your Hyrule is as stupid-looking as this place, no. What did you use to bring me here?" Ganondorf's eyes rested on the Evil Plot Device and he placed his hand upon it.
"No!" Ganon grabbed it and tried to wrest it from Ganondorf's hands. It split into two, and he laughed in triumph. "Now you have to stay here!"
"Forget it." He snatched the pieces from Ganon's hands. "I'll find Zelda and the Triforce of Wisdom, all right…maybe they can tell me how to get home." He unleashed a powerful spell that turned the room to the left of them into a bubbling pit of lava, save for one little stone in the middle. Then he picked up the Triforce of Power and threw it onto the little stone. "That's to make sure you don't try to follow me."
Ganon wringed his hands for a few moments, then cried to his minions, "Don't just stand there! Fetch it for me!" They obeyed, only to be swallowed up by the lava.
"That'll buy me a few good hours, at least," Ganondorf said, and walked out of the room, ignoring Ganon's protests.
He wandered around the dungeon for a while, then got fed up trying to find his way out and blasted a few new doors in the walls. Eventually he reached the surface and took a good look around.
"Everything's as garish up top as it is down below…maybe even more so. Oh well, there has to be somebody around here who knows where I can find Zelda." He began walking to the west.
Soon he came upon a young woman on a picnic blanket, wearing a funny-looking purple vest, high-topped shoes, and a short skirt. She seemed to have enough hair for two people, and was grumbling about someone who was supposed to meet her but had decided to sleep in. "Excuse me, Miss," he said.
She stared, then jumped up in a defensive position. "Get away from me!"
He raised his hands in a gesture of non-aggression, trying to play down his fearsome appearance. "I'm just a lost traveler looking for directions. Do you know where I can find Hyrule Castle?"
He pointed to the south, looking at him suspiciously. "Why do you want to know?"
"I'm trying to get home but don't know the way. I intend to ask Princess Zelda."
She brightened. "Oh, I'm Zelda. You can ask me."
He stared, silent for several moments. Then he turned back the way he came. "Never mind, I'll ask someone else."
"What? Don't you believe me?"
He turned back and frowned at her. "Why would the keeper of the Triforce of Wisdom be sitting on a picnic blanket so far from the castle? And I know it sounds strange coming from me, but those clothes…"
She scowled. "What's wrong with my clothes? And I don't carry the Triforce around with me, it's back at the castle."
Ganondorf opened his mouth to say more, but he was startled by a yell and someone fell out of a tree onto his shoulders. "Back, evil one, or I shall slay you where you stand!"
Ganondorf slapped at the attacker like he would a mosquito, and a young man fell on the grass. "Owww! So you play dirty, you fiend? I'll…"
"Relax, the ground broke your fall." Zelda offered her hand to help him up. "False alarm, Link. This guy's just a lost traveler."
"Link?" Ganondorf stared at the young man like he might a three-legged chicken or a square egg. "You're kind of dressed like him, but you seem…stupid."
Link drew his sword. "Oh yeah? I challenge you to a fight!"
Zelda smacked him. "Stop acting so macho. You know I hate that."
Ganondorf threw up his hands in exasperation. "Look, kid, I'm sorry if I insulted your honor or whatever. I just want to get home."
"Where are you from?" Zelda asked. "Is it near Hyrule?"
"Er…um…" Ganondorf puzzled over how to explain this. "The place where I come from is also called Hyrule, by some strange coincidence…"
"How did you get here?" Link demanded.
Ganondorf displayed the Evil Plot Device. "Some half-wit calling himself Ganon summoned me here with this."
They both eyed him suspiciously. "Why would he want to summon you? What's your name?" Zelda demanded.
Out of ideas, Ganondorf said, "It's Ganondorf. That fool said I was a version of him from another dimension, but I don't see the resemblance…"
His explanation was cut short as Link collapsed into giggles. "Ganon-dork! Ha ha ha ha!"
"So you're looking for the Triforce of Wisdom, eh? Well, we won't let you have it!" Zelda declared.
"I don't want it," Ganondorf snapped. "Your Ganon is lame, his Triforce of Power is lame, you two are lame, and by proxy, your Triforce of Wisdom must be lame. This whole version of Hyrule is lame. I want to get back home where I belong."
Open-mouthed, Link shot back, "We're not lame!"
Zelda frowned. "Why should we help you? You must be just as evil as Ganon, if not more so."
"All the more reason to help me. Do you really want two evil villains in your world? I just want to get out of here as soon as possible."
Link and Zelda looked at each other. "Well…okay," Link said finally, "but if you try to double-cross us, you're going to get the pounding of a lifetime!"
"I'm sure," Ganondorf said, unconvinced. "Let's get a move on, huh?"
"So, what if we were both trapped on a desert island with no food and sixty Moblins and I managed to find a raft to get us home?" Link demanded of Zelda as the three of them climbed the steps of Hyrule Castle. "Then would I get a kiss?"
"No," Zelda replied.
"Well, excuuuuuse me, Princess."
Ganondorf grabbed Link's tunic, his jaw hurting from grinding his teeth for the past hour. "Okay, you need to stop that. You've said that stupid phrase sixteen times since we left the woods. If you say it one more time, I'm going to throttle you."
Zelda snickered. "Go ahead."
Link struggled, finally freeing himself. "Hey!"
Before they could begin an argument, a piece of parchment came flying toward them. On closer inspection, Ganondorf could see a tiny fairy was carrying it. "Link! Zelda!" she exclaimed.
"Spryte! Is something wrong?" Link asked.
"Ganon's minions have stolen the Triforce! They left this weird note!"
"Of course," Ganondorf grumbled as the other two gasped in horror.
Link and Zelda poured over the note. Zelda looked up and offered it to Ganondorf. "It's addressed to you."
He took it and began to read aloud. "Ha ha ha ha…ha ha ha…okay, let's skip a bit…I have taken the Triforce of Wisdom and hidden it so you cannot return. Now I will rule over Hyrule and if you know what's good for you, you will help me enforce my rule." Ganondorf rolled his eyes to the sky. "That idiot. I'll just find the thing myself." He turned and began walking down the steps.
"Where are you going?" Link demanded. "We don't know where the Triforce is!"
"Knowing that doofus, he probably hid it under his mattress," Ganondorf called over his shoulder. "Are you coming with me, or what? I don't really need you, but you know this place better than I do…and I expect you want that thing back."