"Haha!" Stupid Link exclaimed, holding the Good Plot Device aloft. "Sorry, Ganon, but…uh…" He paused with the object still in the air. "Darn it, I can't think of a snappy phrase."
"Don't hurt yourself." Ganondorf snatched it from him. "Gimme that. You'll probably break it, or lose it."
"Hey! That's mine!" Stupid Link whined, grabbing at it.
"Oh? And just how did you contribute to this expedition, besides giving us all headaches?" Ganondorf demanded, holding it just out of reach.
"Enough," Smart Zelda snapped. "Let's just get out of here."
Once out of the temple, Stupid Link's stomach growled audibly. Stupid Zelda stared at him in disgust, then admitted, "You know, I'm kind of hungry too."
"Me too!" Spryte agreed. "There's a town just to our west. We can eat there."
Smart Link and Zelda looked at each other, nodded, and then turned to Ganondorf. "There's food at home," he grumbled. "Why stay here any longer than we have to?"
"We might be able to buy some horses in town, and that will get us back quicker," Smart Zelda pointed out.
"Fine," Ganondorf snapped. "But if anything goes wrong, I'm holding all of you responsible."
The town was only an hour's walk away. Once inside, Ganondorf announced, "I'm going to find us some transportation. You can eat or whatever you want, I'm not interested, and frankly I'm tired of dealing with all of you." He stomped off, drawing open-jawed stares from the townsfolk as they gaped at the tall, ominous-looking dark warlord.
Spryte watched him wistfully. "I wonder what we did to make him so mad."
Smart Link sighed. "Don't lose sleep over it. Frankly, if he was a polite and courteous evil villain, I'd be more afraid of him."
Ganondorf made his way through the town, the people scattering before him. Upon finding a stable, he announced to the shocked owner, "I want to buy five horses. Make that four horses and a donkey." He snickered at the thought of Stupid Link fussing astride a stubborn mule.
The owner shut his open mouth and said, "All right…I have enough horses for you…it'll cost 4,000 rupees."
Ganondorf was at a loss. He never carried money with him; if he wanted something, he either stole it or killed for it. Of course, he knew the others would complain if he did this, and he'd had all the whining he could take. He slapped his pockets a few times, looking for something he could barter, but doubted anything he could part with would add up to 4,000 rupees. "Er…one minute. I'll be right back." He rushed off to find the two Zeldas, figuring a Princess had to have a decent supply of cash, and ignored the insulting mutterings coming from the owner.
He ran through the streets and arrived where he had started, looking around for any sign of an inn or tavern or anyplace else food could be found. He didn't need to search far. Chaos unfolded in a street to his far left, screaming people doused in water and ale running around with Cuccos pecking at their heads. He caught sight of Smart Link and Zelda and approached them; Smart Link had scratches all over his face, and Smart Zelda looked as if she had taken a bath, clothes and all, in red wine.
Ganondorf scowled at them. "I leave you alone for two minutes and all hell breaks loose?"
The two pointed as one toward a tavern, its occupants yammering as they ran out the door. "Stupid Link…"
"Yeah, yeah, I figured as much. I found some horses…grab that doofus and his girlfriend, and let's go."
They left the town astride their new horses, with Stupid Link bound and gagged atop a barrel-bellied mule. Spryte comforted him as he struggled and made indignant grunts. "It's okay, we'll be home soon."
They had just come within sight of the castle gates when cheers erupted from the battlements and ticker-tape rained down on them. "What on earth?" Smart Link wondered aloud. "How did they know we were coming?"
"Oh, this always happens," Stupid Zelda said dismissively.
The two Smart Hylians exchanged puzzled glances, deciding it was best to say nothing.
As they entered the courtyard, the King greeted them. "Welcome back, heroic adventurers! This calls for a grand feast!"
"No." Ganondorf ignored the King's shocked look and leaped down from his horse, Good Plot Device in hand. He grabbed Smart Link and Smart Zelda by their collars and hauled them up the castle stairs. "Let's hurry up and get this over with."
"Wait for me!" Stupid Zelda yelled, jumping off her horse and following them, Spryte in hot pursuit.
Stupid Link stared for a moment, then struggled wildly, still tied to the mule. "Mmmmffff!"
Ganondorf handed the Good Plot Device to Smart Zelda, who stuck it up against the side of the Triforce of Wisdom. She folded her hands and concentrated, the mark of the Triforce lighting up on her own hand.
Stupid Zelda stood uncertainly in the doorway and waved. "Uh…it was nice meeting all of you…come again sometime?"
Just before the three of them disappeared, Ganondorf turned to her with a grotesque scowl. "Not on your life."
And they were gone. Both Stupid Zelda and Spryte sighed, then turned to leave.
Stupid Link ran pell-mell up the stairs, almost slamming into both of them. "Wait, Smart Zelda! How about a kiss goodbye!"
Stupid Zelda stuck out her tongue at him. "They're gone, Link."
Stupid Link's shoulder slumped as he stared at the empty room. "Awwww…"
In the semi-dark confines of his Technicolor dungeon, a very battered and sore Ganon cackled softly as he fingered the broken remains of the Evil Plot Device he had stolen from Ganondorf. "Fools…if I can't bring you to my world…I'll take over yours! MWAHAHAHAHAHA (cough) HAHAHAHAAAAA!"
The End…or IS IT?!
Author's Note: Sorry this is so short, I agonized for a month over how to end this. In any case, Smart Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf will return in "Are Those Your Real Ears?". In addition, if I can ever get my copy of "Twilight Princess" back from a friend, I may write an additional sequel where the Stupid Ones come the TP world. Expect much Midna agony. ;-)