An Unnecessary Pirates of the Caribbean Story

"You must brave the weird and wild waters of the world's end to save Captain Jack," said Tia Dalma in her strange voice.

"Nice alliteration," Ragetti (the one eyed pirate) noted.

'Shut up," growled Pintell.

Will threw his knife at them.

"Arr, is it my cue yet, maties?" asked a voice from the stairs. Everyone looked up.

"Oh me God!" cried Mr. Gibbs. "It's Captain Barbossa!"

"No, actually, we weren't ready for you yet…" grumbled Tia because Barbossa had ruined his own grand entrance.

"Whatever," said the formerly dead pirate and took a huge bite out of a green apple. "What's become of me ship?"

"Um…" said everyone.

Will retrieved his knife from the wall. "Well," he mumbled, "It kind of…um… got eaten by a kracken."

"Kay-kan," said Pintell.

"Krack-in," said Ragetti.

"Shut up!" said Mr. Cotton's parrot.

"A kracken?" asked Barbossa. "Jack's business with Jones is finished, then…" He chuckled to himself.

"That would be me…" said an oddly attractive college professor with a fedora.

"Get back in there!" cried Tia and pushed him into the back room, locking the door.

"Who was that?" asked Elizabeth, hoping he was to become her 10 millionth love interest.

"Indiana Jones."

"Indiana…" Ragetti mused, "Isn't that a territory in the new United States of America?"

"The what?" asked Tia. "I really need to get out more…"

"What year is it anyway?" asked Barbossa. "Does anyone know what year this story takes place in?"

"No," the parrot answered shortly and flapped its wings, wondering vaguely whether or not it was really a macaw.

"So…Why am I here?" Barbossa was curious to know.

"We need to save Jack," said Elizabeth.

"We…" asked Will. "Um, you're not coming."

"Yes, I am!"

"No, you're not!"

"But I want to!" she wined.

"If you promise not to make out with Jack again…" growled Will.

"Oh…." said Elizabeth, "You saw that?"

"YES!"

Mr. Gibbs shuddered.

"Bad luck?" asked Ragetti.

"No, it's just disturbing," the superstitious pirate answered.

They all agreed (except Elizabeth and Will, who were glaring at each other).

"Sooooo," said a voice from the doorway. "Am I to understand that you are once more available?"

Everyone looked over. It was Ex-Commodore Norrington (who for some reason did not give the heart to Beckett).

"Thump thump," said the heart.

"Hey!" said Will, glaring daggers at Norrington. "She's mine!"

"I am not a possession," grumbled Elizabeth.

"I'd gladly switch places…" Tia offered, looking suggestively at Will.

"Not any more!" said Norrington. "You're a eunuch!"

"Not I'm NOT!" Will complained very loudly.

"Are YOU a eunuch?" Pintell asked Norrington.

"No, not any more, weren't you listening?" cried Norrington randomly.

Everyone (except Will and Norrington who where tired of having their manliness insulted) cracked up.

"Okay, okay…" said Barbossa, "Enough wasting time…let's get going if we're to save Jack."

The monkey made monkey-noises.

"That's the ship?" asked Will skeptically, looking up at it. It was, to say it nicely, a piece of junk.

"She's the fastest ship this side of the Bermuda Triangle," boasted the guy who was selling it. "She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts kid."

"Um…" said Will as he did the Orlando Bloom patented eyebrow raise.

"So," said the guy, "Do we have an accord?"

"MY LINE!!" cried Barbossa, annoyed.

"Sure," said Elizabeth, becoming, as usual, the leader. She and the salesperson shook on it.

"A fine ship, to be sure," said Barbossa as they all stood around the mast later. "But she needs a name."

"Yes," agreed Mr. Gibbs, "It's bad luck to sail on a ship with no name."

"How about Jack Davenport?" suggested Norrington.

"Maybe Patrick?" put in Ragetti.

"Peregrin would be good," added Elizabeth. "It means traveler."

"I like that one!" said Barbossa. "Peregrin it is!"

"I liked Jack Davenport…" wined Norrington to himself. Mr. Gibbs shrugged.

And so they got on the good ship Peregrin and sailed towards the World's End.

Time passed slowly on the Peregrin as it sailed across the seven seas and into the eighth. The water, however, was quickly running out, and the rum followed, much to everyone's consternation. Well, everyone except Will and Elizabeth who mostly don't drink it.

World's End is a strange place. As they sailed, they passed mountains of ice and barren, frozen lands, and then came upon warmer climes where the water was sweet and covered in white flowers.

"It's like Narnia!" said Ragetti.

"Shut up," said Pintell.

However, not everything was fine and dandy. Of course there was the water/rum problem and also the matter of food. Plus there was some smarmy Will and Elizabeth angst which was mostly her fault.

"I only did it to save us! He had to go down with the ship!" cried Elizabeth.

"I'm not arguing that!" Will snapped. "That's fine! He died and he can STAY dead for all I bloody care! But did you HAVE to MAKE OUT with him?"

"It was the only way…" she mumbled, but didn't look quite sure.

"Really I wish it could've been different," put in Mr. Gibbs. "Maybe you didn't know at the time, but he was watching…"

"He mentioned it," said Elizabeth. "Later."

"Aye," Ragetti piped up, "He looked like a kicked puppy."

"Thank you," said Will sarcastically.

"Actually, now that you mention it, he usually looks like a kicked puppy," noted Pintell.

Will made a face at him.

Pintell pulled his hair.

"Ok," said Barbossa, coming up. "Knock it off."

Everyone departed in something of a huff.

"You know…." said Norrington, sidling up to Elizabeth who was looking over the sea with a very 'I-miss-my-far-away-lover' sort of expression which really doesn't fit here. "I'm available. I'm just saying…" he trailed off after catching the suddenly very evil look in her eye and scooted away.

"Or not…" he muttered to himself as he put as much distance between them as possible.

&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&

One evening everyone (as in the main characters) sat around the table in the captain's quarters. They were eating apples from Barbossa's obnoxiously large store, supplemented by something Will had brought along that was called weybread. It was kind of like a soft cracker.

"Why," Will asked the table at large, "Do I have an earring?"

"It's piratical?" suggested Mr. Gibbs.

"It makes you look less like a kicked puppy?" Ragetti giggled quietly into his granny smith.

Will glared at him.

"Why," Will asked now, "Won't the stupid spell check accept my name as a NAME as opposed to a WORD? Why does it want to say 'Will glare at him.'? I mean, that's dumb!"

"Will, I think you need to lie down," Elizabeth suggested. "What's a spell check?"

"I thought we WEREN'T talking!" said Will to the wall.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes.

Ragetti chased the monkey around the room.

"Anyway, the earring," said Will, bringing proceedings back on track. "Why do I have it? Where did I get it? When did I morph from a straightlaced blacksmith into a crazy pirate?"

"Morph?" asked Pintell.

"What earring?" questioned the parrot.

"Aye, the bird speaks truth! Where be Will's earring?" queried Barbossa.

"Oh…" said Will, feeling his ear. "I sort of thought I had one…."

Suddenly Marty the midget burst into the room. He was kind of angry about always being left out considering how important he is, but he decided to overlook that for now in lieu of more pressing matters. "There be land!" he cried and waved his arms for effect.

"Land!" cried Norrington because he wanted a line. He pulled out his sword and started waving it around.

"Careful with that, mate," said Will nervously. "Someone might get stabbed in the heart."

Norrington looked at him funny.

The entire crew of the Peregrin went ashore, leaving only the monkey and the parrot behind to guard the ship. Water was found and all the unimportant, expendable characters went back to the ship with full bottles. The rest wandered around, looking for Jack. Will (who is not a genius) declared that they break into smaller search parties to cover more ground. Elizabeth (who also is not a genius) decided to go with the straightlaced blacksmith/pirate man. This was not a bright idea because it meant they glared at each other the whole time.

As luck and needed plot occurrences would have it, Will and Elizabeth discovered Jack in a random meadow. The pirate with too much eye make-up was humming about really bad eggs and watching clouds.

"This doesn't look like Hell," said Will.

"You automatically assumed he would go there?" asked Elizabeth, breaking the not talking rule.

"And you didn't?"

She shrugged. "Admittedly…"

Jack wandered over. "Well, it's about time!" he exclaimed. "I was beginning to think you weren't coming for me at all!"

"I thought so too," said Will. "I'm only here because I need help to save my father."

"Oh, that again?" griped Elizabeth. "Why do you WANT to save him? He was a horrible father who you only knew for a DAY on the Flying Dutchman. You owe him nothing."

"Except my existence."

"Well, there is that…"

"Ah, a lover's spat," said Jack obnoxiously.

"Shut up," said Will, glaring daggers at him.

"Oh," said Jack, understanding immediately. "You didn't like me kissing your bonny lass, eh? Well, she started it."

"Stow it!" cried Will, now glaring intercontinental ballistic missiles.

"Let's go to the ship, shall we?" Jack suggested.

They did.

"You have scary e yes, you know that?" Jack asked as they boarded the Peregrin.

Will twitched and muttered something under his breath pertaining to mushroom clouds.

"Come, give me a tour, luv," suggested Jack to Elizabeth who complied.

Will shut himself up in the captain's quarters (much to Barbossa's anger) and pouted.

Late that night, Mr. Gibbs was wandering around the ship. He noted someone sitting in a dark corner. It was Will.

"More troubles with Elizabeth?" Mr. Gibbs asked, helping Will up and to a seat on a barrel. Will nodded mutely.

"I really don't know," he muttered. "Sometimes it's like she loves me, but then there's Norrington and Jack and I swear everyone's in love with her…"

"Well, she is the only female on the ship because who's counting Tia Dalma? She hasn't done anything for pages and pages."

"She came with?" asked Will, surprised. He hadn't noticed.

"Here," said Mr. Gibbs, offering the other a bottle of greenish rum. "You know what I always do with my troubles?"

"What?"

"Drown 'em. It works; trust me."

And so Will Turner and Mr. Gibbs double-handedly consumed the entire rum store left on the ship and fell asleep at about 2 A.M. in a drunken stupor. We shan't go into details because you can probably imagine better than can be described in words.

The next morning the sun rose bright and early and so did Jack. He was a man on a mission and the mission was ACQUIRE RUM.

"Where's the rum?" Jack asked.

Pintell shrugged. Ragetti lost his eye. Elizabeth ranted about how it was a foul drink. Norrington stared at Tia Dalma. She slapped him. Short sentences reined over all.

Then Jack came to Mr. Gibbs and Will. "Where's the rum?" he repeated for the 100 thousandth time.

Will blinked. The ocean waved. The boat rocked. The rum argued voraciously with his gastric juices. You see, Will evidentially doesn't hold his liquor very well because he threw it up. On Jack.

"Thank you," said the pirate.

"Sorry," said Will and wiped his mouth.

The trip back to the real world began rather awkwardly.