Title: Utterly Lacking in Gravitas

Author: Stormy1x2 (travelingstorm)

Rating: PG

Word Count (fic portion): 1082

Notes: Done for LJ's ff100 challenge. Prompt # 82: If.

Summary: Donnie's the only doctor in the world that does nothing but house callsA short fic involving the threat of rotting bones.


"My babies! Daddy missed you. Did you miss Daddy?"

Mikey (to his chips) – Season 4


"Mikey, I'm worried about your calcium intake."

Mikey looked at Donatello as though his brother had grown an extra head when he wasn't looking. "Say what, dude?"

"Your calcium intake," Donatello repeated patiently. "I've noticed a distinct lack of milk in your diet over the last few weeks. Getting extra cheese on your pizza does not count when you don't have it every day."

"My calcium intake's fine, dude. I'm fit as a fiddle, ya know?" Mikey flexed his muscles, and sang,"I am the very model of a mutant ninja reptile." He winked "Solid as a rock, bro, solid as a rock."

"Good," Donatello said dryly. "If your muscles actually attain rock-like status, then maybe they'll provide at least a temporary substitute for your actual bone structure in thirty years when you're suffering from osteoporosis."


"Osteoporosis. A condition brought on by a diet lacking sufficient calcium levels, resulting in weak and fragile bones." Donatello shrugged. "All the muscle in the world won't help if your bones shatter the first time you fall."

Mikey blinked. "Then I won't fall."

Donatello just looked at him.

Mikey stuck out his tongue. "Oh, shut up."

"I didn't say a word."

"And why the heck do you know so much about my 'intakes'?"

"Aside from the fact that you used to be the one that went through the milk like it was candy?" Donnie shrugged. "I keep an eye on all of you. Leo eats a diet so healthy it borders on ridiculous, and I have to keep an eye on the multi-vitamins on hand for us all - especially Raph - so I know when it's time to order more through April. Master Splinter has his herbal remedies, and the only person I've noticed a change in, is you."

"...that's scary, bro. Really. Like, bordering on 'stalker-ish', kinda scary."

"When it comes to the health of this family, I'll happily take the 'stalker' moniker,' Donnie said briskly. "I'm the one that has to play 'family physician' when something's wrong. The least you can do is help keep yourself healthy – give me one less thing to worry about. Dragons and their guns, the Foot and our battles against them – those things I can't predict an outcome for. But something like a disease brought on by a nutrient or vitamin deficiency? That I can stop."

Mikey blinked again, looking a little surprised. "Donnie... bro. Man, I didn't know you thought about things like that."

Donatello sighed and pinched his forehead, pressing hard. "Well, I do. So please, do me a favor, and tell me why you've eliminated milk from your daily diet."

It took a lot for a green-hued mutant to turn a different shade of green, but Mikey did an admirable job of it. "Remember when we got back here after that three month stay at Casey's?"


"When I drank the milk that had, like, been in the fridge for those three months?"

Donatello recalled the look on Casey's face after Mikey spewed rancid milk all over him. "Kinda hard to forget."

"Exactly." Mike scowled and paled slightly. "Every time I go to add milk to cereal or just have a glass of it, the sight and the smell makes my stomach start twisting, man. Even without drinking it, just the look of the carton makes me wanna puke." He cocked his head to the side, thinking. "It's like, psycho...psycho-something, without the freaky psycho part."

"You mean, psychosomatic," Donatello filled in for him.

Mikey nodded rapidly. "Yeah, that's it. I've been traumatized by it. Scarred for life."

"Uh-huh." He should start charging for these little sessions. He really should. "Okay, fine. Milk makes you nauseous. Gotcha." He reached over to the counter and grabbed a small bottle of pills. "Here. Present for you."

"Pills? Dude, I ain't sick."

"Not yet, you aren't. And if you won't drink milk or eat something else to meet your daily requirements, then you'll have to take those, four to six every day." Donatello nodded at the bottle. "They're calcium tablets. I had April get the flavored kind for you."

Mikey squinted at the bottle, scowling. "Donnie..."

"Mikey, try it first," Donnie said, pleading just a little. "Look, I know thirty years from now is hard to contemplate. But you don't want to mess around with something like this. Calcium levels are very important. You've seen the kiddy shows – strong bones, and strong teeth. It's not just something they spit out for kids to digest. And it's especially true for us. We have our shells to keep strong too. I don't particularly want a hunchback for a brother."

Judging by the way Mikey's eyes widened, Donnie figured something was sinking in. "...fine." Mikey opened the bottle, dumped a couple out and popped one – red – in his mouth, He sucked on it for a moment, rolled his eyes and then bit down. "It's.. chalky. Kinda fruity." He shrugged. "Not too bad."

Donatello smiled. "Four to six, every day. Don't forget."

"Yeah, yeah." Mike glared at the little bottle. "Man, who'da thought giving up my Shreddies in the morning would make me wind up like this? Dependant on pills?" He shook his head sadly. "My brother, the dope dealer."

"Four to six, every day," Donatello repeated calmly. "Do you need me to write this down for you?"

Mikey snorted. "It ain't that hard to remember, bro. Besides - " He winked. "- if I miss out on anything, I'm sure you and your stalker ways will inform me of my transgressions."

"I'm not that bad."

"Go ahead and tell me you don't know exactly how many pills are in here, and that you haven't already calculated the approximate time I'll need a refill."

Donatello opened his mouth and then closed it again, a little sheepishly. "I can't."

"Thought so." Mikey looked smug.

"That's one," Donatello pointed out, changing the subject. "Three to five more, if you please."

"Whatever rocks your boat." Mikey rolled his eyes, dumped four more of the small pills in his hand, and took them all at once, crunching loudly; pointedly. Donatello smiled. It was a small battle, but a victory nonetheless.

"Thank you."

"I live to please others," Mikey said, nodding. "Who knows, I may have to get back on the cereal wagon." Waving, the little bottle in hand, he left the kitchen.

Donatello sighed. One down. He looked at the pack of nutrient supplements lined up for Raph, and took a deep breath, preparing himself for the battle ahead.

The war had only just begun.



Okay, my endings suck. I know this. My sincerest apologies. :) And I wrote this after being lectured about my own calcium intakes (apparently I'm a prime candidate for osteoporosis despite my devout love of cheese and yogurt).

You guys are lucky. Classes with the kids are going well, my lesson-planning is taking up less time this year, and all things considered, I have a lot more time and energy to do the kind of fic writing I've always enjoyed – spontaneous one-shots. That's not to say this will last forever, so enjoy this for as long as it does.

...though with a week off starting next Monday coming up, I foresee myself getting through at least a couple more of these for the FF100. If only LJ weren't being blocked her in Shanghai, I'd be just ecstatic (and able to post these to the FF100 community. Right now, they probably think I haven't even started it yet!).