An all dialogue piece between Sirius Black and Remus Lupin. Basically random fluff that I enjoyed writing. :)

"Padfoot, would you stop it!"


"You might think I'm doing this for fun, but I actually need to study."

"Oh, please. Moony, you probably already know the book inside out."

"I do not."

"What's the title of page 42?"

"Properly Stewing the Giggle Drop."

"I rest my case."

"But – "

"Moony, come ooon."


"But – "

"I'm – ah – serious – Padfoot – I said – STOP! AGH!"


"Perfect, now I've lost my page."

"…How will you ever forgive me?"

"I don't know."


"Padfoot. Give me that book back this second."



"Saying my name louder and in a more McGonnagallish – tone won't make me obey you."

"Sirius. Book. NOW."


"Give it."





"Aw, what's the magic wor – AGH! NO FAIR!"

"Give me the book, or you're in for more pain."

"I didn't mean that magic word."

"Stop smirking at me and hand it over."

"Kindly remove your wand from my face, and I'll promise I'll think about it."


"Alright then."


"Sirius Orion Black, if you don't give me back my book this second, I swear to God, Buddah, and all the pie that's ever been eaten that I will destroy you."


"Yes. Pie."

"Did you just middle name me?"

"That I did. Hand it over."

"You're such a wet-blanket. Ruining my fun."

"Oh, stop insulting me. It physically hurts."

"We don't even have a test, what the hell are you studying for?"

"We're not all Slughorn's favorite student. Some of us actually have to work for our grades."

"I'm pretty sure no matter how hard you study, even you can't get above an 'O', Remus."

"That doesn't mean I won't try. Now leave me alone, I need to practice brewing the Draught of the Living Death."

"I can help you, if you'd like. I can brew that stuff with my eyes closed and my hands tied behind my back."

"Thanks, but no thanks. You'll probably give me the wrong ingredients just to have a bit of a laugh."

"My, my. Someone's a wee bit paranoid."

"Only because being friends with you dictates that I should be in order to preserve my sanity."

"I would not even think of betraying you in such ways, Moony."

"Don't look so offended, Padfoot. Someone might think you're serious."

"No, they definitely won't."


"Because I'm Sirius. Ha-ha. Get it?"




"Why not?"

"Because you repulse me."

"Moony, hearing such things from your mouth is really very hurtful, you know."



"Mooooony, drooly, poooney, foooney, fadoodleeey…"

"What on earth are you saying?"

"I'm constructing rhymes to maintain my intellectually stimulated brain."

"Those words don't exist. Hence, you aren't actually constructing anything."


"Shut up."




"Oh, for the love of God. Padfoot, I'm busy. Would you bugger off?"

"But I'm bored. I need my friends to entertain me."

"I am not your only friend. Go bug James."


"Why not?"

"I'm scared of Evans."

"Go bug Wormtail."

"He's in detention."

"For what?"

"Stealing from the kitchen."

"Last night?"


"Weren't you there with him?"

"Can't help it if I run faster."

"You're a great friend."

"That I am. And so, I will save you from the torture that is reading!"

"I don't want to be saved. Go save someone else."

"I'm bored Moony. I'm bored Moony. I'm bored Moony. I'm bored Moo – "



"Hey – you there! Yes, you! What are you staring at?!"

"Stop frightening the first years, Sirius."

"They're staring at me."

"Well, maybe because you're a loon."

"Says the person who just screamed their lungs out at me."

"Well, you weren't listening."

"So you're saying that you care more about … Six-Thousand Poisons and Their Antidotes more than you care about me?"


"I have problems I need to discuss! Deep rooted, childhood problems that can only be solved if you talk to me!"

"What problems?"

"See! You don't even know!"

"I'm sorry. Are you going to cry now?"

"Sod off."


"That's not even about the Draught of the Living Death, that book is about poisons!"

"That's beside the point."

"You lied to me."



" – the hardest of which is to cure is the…"

"Moony, are you listening to me?"

"Yes – these poisons are particularly found in…"

"Right, so then the flubberworm went straight for James's face and bit it right off…"


"…and then he came after me, and I jumped into the black lake and had wild sex with a Grindelow…"




"Did you just hear a word I said?"

"Yes, you said a flubberworm attacked James and you had sex with… – HEY!"

"So you weren't listening."

"Flubberworms don't even have teeth. If you're going to make up crazy sex stories at least make sure they're anatomically correct."


"Yes, really."






"Look at us, we're bickering like a married couple…"

"I'm reading, I'll be ignoring you now."

"You always decide to do that that, and yet, somehow, me and my beautiful self manages to talk you out of it."


"Is it because of my charm? My cologne? What is it? Am I irresistible?"


"Oh, come on Moony!"

"Sirius, don't wink at me."


"Stop it!"


"You look ridiculous."

"And I love YOU!"