I Joy in Thee
D/C: Don't own Star Trek. The Klingon phrases I got from and too.
A/N:Made this for my sista! Uh, sort of mentions another fic I made, but it's just a tidbit. If you blink, you'll miss it. And yes, there is a DS9 reference, but again, it's only a little part.
"I've never been in love...What kind of a life is that? Not to be loved...never to have shown love." - Nancy Hedford, "Metamorphosis
Chapter One: "He's Dead."
I tried to choke him- how dare he try to take my mate? T'Pring was mine...mine...Jim gave a gasp, and collapsed. McCoy walked up, and shoved me off. I didn't try to hide my surprise. My surprise that I had just killed my friend...my Jim.
What had I been thinking? I knew what the blood fever, the pon farr, did to me- why had I let it control me so? And now...Jim was dead. McCoy said his line, his trademark saying. I could only imagine what pain the doctor must be feeling. But it was nothing compared to mine.
I barked out instructions. I can barely remember them now. It didn't matter. I couldn't...I couldn't keep the Enterprise. No, not after what I had done. Would anyone even trust me? I wouldn't trust me if I had killed my captain. Which I had done. It seemed logical at the time...but now, killing Jim was the most illogical thing I had ever done.
I walked through the ship, realizing, for once, how much it meant to me. There- that com, I had spoken with Jim about physics and relationships. Over there- I had first met Lt. Uhura. At that very corridor Jim and I had fought Klingons. There, Jim and I had studied Vulcan fighting techniques. I realized, too, that my fondest and most memorable memories were with Jim. The captain. I walked into the Rec Room. Uhura was there, singing. She stopped when she saw the sadness in my eyes. Why bother hiding emotion? Jim was dead...Jim was dead. "He's dead." McCoy had muttered. "He's dead."
And here, at this Rec Room table, was where I had played chess with Jim. Oh, he had irritated me! But I never told him that. I never told him how much his friendship meant to me. But it had meant something to me! And then I kill him! A great way to repay a friendship, I could hear Dr. McCoy say sarcastically. Wonderful. Kill off your best friend.
I went into sickbay. I knew Dr. McCoy was expecting me. I pulled myself into a logical figure once more. I tried to convince myself that it was only logical that I killed Jim...the captain. If I had not killed J- Captain Kirk, then I would have died. I heard myself saying instructions to Dr. McCoy to place myself in custody. It was, of course, the logical thing to do. I was a murderer- I killed my best (if not only, now that McCoy most likely hated me) friend.
"Shouldn't you check with me first?" a voice asked. It sounded like Captain Kirk's...no. I was hallucinating. A foolish Earth trait that I was not immune to. Jim was dead. My friend. I had choked him. He couldn't be... But I could hear footsteps. I spun around, grabbing the figure. It was him! It was Jim! Jim!
"Captain? Jim!" Oh? I had said that aloud. I feel myself smiling. My lips are curved...yes, that is a smile. How odd it feels. How odd this smile feels. But I love that smile. Because it means that Jim is back. How was this possible? I wondered. Could any of this be possible? It was... McCoy! That doctor was more resourceful than I give him credit for. He was explaining what he did. Dr. McCoy. Oh, that doctor. He was so illogical, and yet- he seemed to be more wise than me.
Why had I...why had I let myself attempt to kill him? I have heard of pon farr being subdued by meditation. Why? I could have destroyed my career, the Enterprise...and worst of all, Jim.
I retired to my quarters, trying to meditate. But the image of Jim dying kept popping up in my brain. It wasn't logical of me to think about that. Pon farr is a part of Vulcan life- and Jim had merely been a part of that. It was logical of me to try to kill him. Wasn't it? Wasn't it?
It wasn't logical of me to worry about this. No, Spock, try to seek the inner logic. Unlock it. But whenever I came close to feeling logic flood me, Jim's face kept appearing in my thoughts.
Why was Jim haunting me so? He never had before. He was my captain- my commanding officer-...my friend? T'Pau seemed disappointed in me when I had told her that Jim and McCoy were my friends. But I had not cared what she thought. Jim was my friend. I remembered the smile I had given him. I almost frowned, had it not been so illogical to do so.
Why had I smiled? Though I had been showing emotion earlier as I walked around the ship, it was nothing compared to a smile! And my heartbeat had increased...it hadn't done that when I met T'Pring once more. But even when Jim teased me about my human side, my heartbeat increased. That was illogical, but something I had been noticing. Jim was a friend...just a friend.
I lay back, trying to clear my mind. I was successful. Why bother about past emotions? Just focus on future logic. I was nearly asleep, when-
I wonder what Spock meant by that smile. It was a nice change for him, actually. He should do it more often. Poor Spock. What emotion he must hide! What illogical emotions he must scurry away from! I've marveled how the strain hasn't made him crack yet.
Those were certainly not my thoughts. They were...Jim's! I could tell. I sat upright, controlling my amazement. Telepathic abilities between humans and Vulcans were only possible in extreme cases of friendship...or love.
Love. The oddest of all emotions. One Vulcans could show. It was illogical, and at the same time- logical. Could that have been what made me smile? Had love curved my mouth, and increased my heartbeat? It was illogical to assume so, but love was illogical.
No. The captain was my captain. Just my captain. But hadn't I called him my friend? My thoughts were illogical, I thought, I needed rest. I have not rested in days since pon farr began. When had it begun? When I had seen Jim on the bridge. Yes. I knew my seven years were up- my heartbeat became erratic. But was that because of pon farr, or the fact that Jim there? It must have been pon farr, I thought. Yes. The blood fever. The pon farr.
I was lying to myself. That was not good. I got up and went to sickbay. McCoy was there, drinking some Earth drink. "Hello, Spock." he said. "How are you?"
"What...is love? What is its symptoms?" I asked. I wanted to get down to the bottom of this. If I loved Jim, I wanted to know for sure.
"Spock, love isn't a virus." McCoy said. "Though how the hell should I know? My wife left me years ago..." He trailed off. "I remember what it was like before the divorce. I had to have her- always thought of her. Love, Spock? Isn't that an Earth emotion?"
"It is familiar to all species, Doctor." I replied stiffly. Jim's face, smiling and confident, appeared in my mind's eye. This was terrible! It must be the pon farr stirring up these foolish emotions in me. In a few hours my logical self would be back to normal, but for now my human self was reigning supreme.
"So, why even bring this up?" McCoy asked. "Did you...Do you...love T'Pring?"
"No." I answered truthfully. "Not her." I thought of the smile. Love had influenced the smile, I thought. It had to have. "But...Doctor...can...friendship be a part of love?"
"It can." McCoy said. He peered at me more closely. "But why are you talking about this?"
"Never mind." I said, and left sickbay. I was being illogical. I went to my room and tried to meditate. Jim's face kept watching me! This illogic had to stop, I thought. "If I just say it," I said, "I will stop seeing him. I l-...I lo-...I love...Captain...James T...Kirk. Captain Kirk."
It was the hardest moment of my life, but also the most relieving. I realized that I loved him, I would do anything for him. It was illogical to love him. He could never love me back. I was a Vulcan- apparently devoid of all emotion. What a joke. What a cosmic joke. "'Although I joy in thee,'" I quoted aloud, "'I have no joy of this contract tonight.' Romeo and Juliet, Act II Scene ii. I shall not have joy of thee tonight or any other night, Captain. Never shall I have joy of thee, Jim."
I could never have him. I would have to look at him every day and realize I could never kiss him. Never hug him. Never even...never smile at him. Never smile at him again. Never pull my lips back into a smile. That smile was the only show of affection I could ever give him. And why? Because it was illogical. It was not logical to smile. Logic. Logic. I felt myself drifting to sleep. Jim's face still hovered in my thoughts. I didn't mind. But it was illogical. But it was nice, too. I remembered when I smiled. Would Jim realize how much that smile should mean to him? Perhaps not. But I smiled. I smiled, just for him.
A FEW STARDATES LATER...
I needed two things above all else: a shower, and sleep. And it seems I wasn't going to get either. Damn.
After nearly being killed by a space amoeba, I was in my room, fuming at what the space amoeba did to me and my crew. Emergency power was almost spent, so I couldn't have that shower I wanted. I'm the damn captain! I want a shower, be there no power or otherwise!
And, of course, I needed sleep. Bones has been badgering me about that for hours. But I wasn't going to get sleep until I got a shower, and since there was no shower there was no sleep. I can be very stubborn.
Of course, the only reason I was worrying so hard about a shower is because I was more worried about Spock than I can ever think. He had risked his life...his life, for me! When I thought him dead...oh, god. I thought I had killed him. Thought I had condemned him to a terrible death. No, no. It was not like that, though. Was it? Of course, Spock and McCoy had argued...that was standard. But still, I hardly believed him alive. Even when I could hear him, faintly, through the com. I wondered if he was angry at me, angry that I sent him there. Almost to his death. Of course not! It was the only...logical choice. But still...dammit, I'm a captain not a philosopher! I blinked in surprise. I was spending too much time with Bones. Ugh. Add to my list: shower, sleep, and alcohol. I pulled out some Saurian brandy.
While I was drowning my sorrows in a healthy serving of the aforementioned brandy, the good doctor walked in. "Hey Jim." he said. He eyed up the brandy. "Mind if I join you?"
"Not at all." I replied.
"You should be sleeping." McCoy reprimanded as he poured himself a large glass. "Doctor's orders."
I rolled my eyes. "Since when have I listened to you?"
"That's a good question." McCoy said. "I mean, you didn't let me take data of the amoeba!"
"Not again, Bones..." I said, trying to forget that that even happened. "Look, Spock was the more logical choice."
"Dammit, Jim, you're sounding like a Vulcan." McCoy said jokingly. "But you're right, I suppose...have you talked with Spock since he returned to the ship?"
"Briefly." I admitted, avoiding McCoy's gaze. "I mean...I can't not talk to my First Officer..."
"That's not what I meant." McCoy said. "You do know what I'm talking about, don't you?"
I eyed up the Saurian brandy, pretending as if I hadn't heard. My relationship with Spock had been altered somehow- and I wish I knew why. He had reverted back into that Vulcan shell a few months ago that nobody seemed able to penetrate. Least of all me. I wondered if I had offended him- and if anything, sending him to his almost death probably hadn't helped the matter much. I was aware that Bones was giving me a look.
"Spock and I are good friends. Of course we talk." I said, finally looking up at him.
"That Vulcan, as of late, hasn't spoken to anyone unless it's about calculations or class M planets." McCoy said. "He has been talking to you, but he hasn't been communicating."
"I...don't know...what you mean." I stuttered. But Bones knew I knew. And I knew that he knew. But I didn't care that he knew. "Now, I'm going to try to sleep."
"Hmm." McCoy said, not believing me. "Good dreams."
"Thanks." I lay back on my bed as he left. I shut my eyes, trying to block out what had happened over the last few hours. Trying to forget the pain I'd felt when I thought that Spock had died all alone in that shuttle. Trying to remember the happiness I had experienced when I found out he wasn't dead. I groaned. This wasn't working. There were only two choices on how to stop thinking about this: have more brandy, or talk to Spock. I chose the latter.
"Mr. Spock?" I asked as I walked inside his room. He was busy meditating, and seemed to wince when I walked in. "If you are busy I can leave-"
"No, Captain. I was not busy." Spock did seem a bit strained. He was looking at a meditative candle, and would not look at me. Which did not put me in a good mood. I was tired, sweaty, and slightly intoxicated and he wouldn't look at me?! I was his captain!
"I'll be going then." I said icily, heading toward the door.
"If you wish to, Captain." Spock said, seemingly devoid of interest.
"Dammit Spock!" I cried, turning around. "Let's have a conversation for once, alright?"
"I was not aware that we were not having a conversation." Spock replied. "We were speaking, were we not? Is that not the only way to have a conversation?"
"In your case," I said, thinking of a mind-meld, "there are many ways to have a conversation- and that wasn't one of them. I...just...Spock, are you angry at me?"
"Anger? It is a foreign emotion, one that rarely, if ever, surfaces." Spock said, his brown eyes surveying mine.
I returned the stare, all anger gone. "Spock- I didn't want...you to gather data...about the amoeba. I really didn't-"
"I believe you." Spock said.
"I...was afraid that you would die." I continued, hardly believing my voice. I was the captain- I wasn't supposed to be afraid of anything! Yet my words were true, and I couldn't lie to Spock. "I couldn't bear it if you were dead...dead, all because of a damn space amoeba!"
"Captain, there is nothing I would not do to help this ship, this crew...or you." Spock said, his brown eyes never leaving my own. "I would die for you."
The words were so simple, too simple, but they packed a punch that hurt more than a mugato's bite. That faith, that trust...that friendship nearly overwhelmed me. Spock's eyes finally drifted from mine, and he began to meditate once more. I excused myself from his quarters.
Could he really...care that much about me? He was my best friend on this ship, as was Bones. I knew both of them would die for me- today they had proved that. But still, the way Spock said it...so logically, and yet with so much emotion behind it...Damn, that Vulcan confused me. I lay back in my bed, more awake than ever. So much for sleeping tonight.
Something about Spock unsettled me, and at the same time, made me want to learn more about him. I frowned. That was exactly the way I felt when I explored space, or went on a first date with a new woman. I loved all of those encounters...I sat bolt upright in bed. I loved exploring space, I loved first dates...could I love Spock as well?
It was impossible. Spock had never shown any infatuation to me- and I certainly never go around flirting with my First Officer! That's what yeomen are for. But on a more serious note...could I actually...love Spock? Not as a crush, or a passing-by romance, but real love? It was impossible...but yet at the same time, I found myself remembering the pain I'd felt when I thought that Spock had died.
But no. I couldn't love Spock. He was my First Officer and therefore, completely off limits. If we ever started a...relationship, then Spock could be charged with insubordination or...better to forget the whole thing. Love Spock? The only love I had was for the Enterprise. But still, just as Spock had connected to space in my mind, so he was connected to the Enterprise. It wouldn't be my Enterprise without Spock as her First Officer. Spock connected me to space, a starship...dammit, we were really star-crossed lovers, weren't we? I almost laughed at my idiotic pun, but then realized that we were. I did love Spock- from his logical attitude to his pointy ears. Even if I didn't know his last name I loved it. Because I loved Spock. It really wasn't hard to admit. In fact, I admitted that I loved Spock fairly quickly.
I did chuckle now, remembering a line from an old Earth play, in which a woman had pronounced her love for a man in a single scene, then said, "'If thou thinkest I am too easily won I'll frown, and be perverse, and say thee nay...'" I trailed off, frowning at Juliet's words. Was that why Spock had been so stiff around me? Did he love me, but think it too soon to say anything? Or was he afraid I wouldn't respond positively to his attraction?. I couldn't say anything to him- I was the captain, after all. I would never know if he loved me, I believed. I chuckled sadly again, recalling the line directly above the one I quoted before. "If thou dost love, pronounce it faithfully!"
ANOTHER FEW STARDATES LATER...
I was sick of it. Mortally ill of it. But no hypospray could cure this ill: pure disgust. Who was I disgusted with? Jim and Spock.
The two of them were hardly speaking to one another, and they had once been bosom buddies. And I, Leonard Horatio McCoy, M.D, do not enjoy trying to bridge the gap between a stubborn pointy-eared hobgoblin and an even more stubborn captain. I'm a doctor, not a psychiatrist!
And I have a very good idea why the two of them have stopped speaking: love. Oh, God, I didn't want to admit it. But it became increasingly obvious that the two of them were both in love, but both refused to say anything to one another. Of course I recognized the symptoms- you don't have to be a doctor to know that Jim and Spock were in love. Not like I care. Hell, I once dated a woman who was a man in her past life! But I digress.
And I was ready for the two of them to admit that they liked one another. I thought it would be a matter of time. Three weeks passed, and all they said to each other were, "Captain, we are approaching a planet with a nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere with considerable flora and fauna." "Thank you, Mr. Spock." God, those two can be stubborn. And I can be very impatient.
I decided to take matters into my own hands. I too can be very stubborn.
"Hello, Mr. Spock!" I said, walking into his quarters. The Vulcan was busy calculating some irrelevant theory. "How are you?"
"Physically and mentally well." Spock replied, not looking up at me.
"Well aren't we all." I said absent-mindedly, looking around his room. "Have you talked with Jim today?"
Spock stiffened so slightly that if you weren't looking for it you wouldn't have noticed it. "I have not yet gone to the bridge."
"Well, just because you're off-duty doesn't mean you can't speak with a friend!" I insisted.
"Obviously." Spock muttered, checking his calculation.
"Is there anything wrong?" I asked pointedly.
"With what? My theory?" Spock asked, nodding to his computer. "I believe the matter-antimatter mix should be altered-"
"No, not with the damn engines!" I growled. "With your relationship with Kirk."
"My relationship with Captain Kirk is strictly professional." Spock said, finally looking up at me. His eyes showed a hint of sadness.
"What sadness lengthens Spock's hours?" I asked half-jokingly, mostly serious.
"The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet, Act One Scene One." Spock replied.
"I know where it's from." I snapped.
"I was not aware you read ancient Earth plays, Dr. McCoy." Spock said. "I did not think you would...enjoy them."
"Nurse Chapel got me it for Valentine's Day. What a great way to spend a day of love, reading about teenagers committing suicide." I muttered.
"That is the essence of the play." Spock said.
"Well, yes, Mr. Spock, but don't go changing the subject!"
"It was you who brought up William Shakespeare's famous-"
"Spock, shut up!" I yelled. Spock began to work on his calculation once more. "What's going on with you and Jim?" I asked, hoping that he would admit his love to me- if not to Jim.
"Going on?" Spock echoed vaguely. "Nothing, Dr. McCoy. If you do not mind, this theory is needed by Mr. Scott in 45.098 minutes. I am not yet complete, and your conversation is hindering my work."
I fumed silently. "Good day then, Mr. Spock." I turned from the room and resisted an urge to swear violently and call Spock a few insults in English and Klingon. "Damn green-blooded son of a bitch." I muttered. "Hab SoslI' Quch, Spock! SoH vo' DavHam! Ghuy'cha'!"
"Why are you insulting Spock in Klingon, Bones?" I spun around, too busy insulting Spock to realize that Jim was right behind me.
"How did you know those were insults?" I asked innocently. "I wasn't-"
"Well, most of those phrases I've heard you say were said to me by Kor, so I figured that they weren't compliments." Jim said, laughing. "What were you saying anyway?"
"Nothing..." I muttered. "I was just talking with Spock."
"I could have guessed that." Jim chortled.
"Have you been speaking with Spock recently?" I asked, again hoping for an admittance of love.
"Not really. He hasn't been on the bridge yet." Jim replied, looking at the ceiling.
I groaned. "That's not what I meant." Why do I keep getting such vague answers? Oh, Ghuy'cha'! Damn. I'm beginning to think in Klingon. Okay, maybe I should stop trying to learn alien languages. I'll just leave that to Uhura.
"I don't know what you mean." Jim said, before going down another corridor. I realized that my conversations with Jim and Spock weren't going to make them confess love to one another. It was past the point that I could just sit around and talk. It was time to do. I went to my room, grabbed Romeo and Juliet, a hypospray, and then I was ready.
"Spock!" I yelled, running down the corridor and bursting into his room. "Spock, I've been looking everywhere for you!"
"Why didn't you assume that I would be resting- as this is my allotted time to sleep and meditate?" Spock said, getting out of bed. "What is the problem?"
"Jim, it's Jim!" I screamed. "He's hurt- I've done all I can but...oh Spock. If you look for him tomorrow you'll only a find a dead man!"
Spock's eyes widened. "Where is he?"
We went to Rec Room IV, where there was, almost unmistakeably, a dead James T. Kirk. "Spock, it looks like...the environmental controls went haywire in the room..." Spock was no longer paying attention to me, but only leaned down at the dead Jim. "The air went rushing out...he's dead, Spock." I covered my face. "I...oh, if I had arrived faster-"
"It is not your fault." Spock whispered. "It...is mine."
"Unless you've messed with the environment controls, then it isn't." I said, leaning out as if to pat Spock on the back. I thought better of it, though, and let my hand drop. "Jim...oh Jim. That gallant spirit that climbed toward the clouds, which too ultimately here did scorn the earth."
"Must you quote that tragic love story here now, Doctor?" Spock asked. "Now? It is...as humans would say, ironic."
"I don't know what you mean." I said innocently.
"I...loved Jim, Doctor. I love him." Spock whispered, more to the dead Kirk than to me. "And now...he does not know. He will never know that I longed to...to smile for him once more. I loved Captain Kirk."
"I aimed so near when I supposed you loved." I muttered dryly.
"Must you forever quote The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet?" Spock asked icily.
"I thought the verse was fitting." I said.
"Did you?" Spock asked, and a cold rage filled him as he slammed me against the wall. Maybe I hadn't thought this through. "I loved Jim Kirk, and he is gone now!"
"This remorse isn't logical-" I tried to say, before Spock cut me off.
"Logical? No, this is not logical. But my love for Jim was not logical either."
"No, but I'm glad you feel it." another voice said.
Spock spun around to see no one other but James T. Kirk getting groggily up from the floor. "Jim?" Spock asked, a smile forming on his features. He quickly snapped back into Vulcan mode, much like the last time I'd seen him smile at the captain. "But- did you plan this?"
"No, give me that courtesy." I said, grinning at him. "I asked Jim to come and when his back was turned I hyposprayed him with a mixture of a neuroparalyzer and chronophyl."
"It would cause false death, but keep the recipient conscious." Spock said. "Fascinating, Doc-" He stopped, and turned to Jim. "You...heard what I said?"
"From the sadness in your voice to your...confession to your happiness at me alive." Jim said, smiling at Spock.
"But come what sorrow can, it cannot counterveil the exchange of joy." I recited, feeling rather pleased with myself for the, if I do say so myself, amazing references.
"Then...captain, if that is the case, then...I must return to my quarters." Spock said, turning rigidly to the doors.
"Wait, Mr. Spock." Jim said. Spock stayed put, his stiff figure showing the humiliation he must be feeling. "It has come to my attention that you are infatuated with me. And I, as the captain, only have one choice on what to do." He walked over to Spock. Their eyes met, brown on brown. Jim smiled, and kissed the Vulcan.
I, of course, not wanting to get more involved in this than I already was, casually turned my back on them. "Oh, you two!" I laughed. "What stupid pretenses I had to make up to get you two to admit you like one another! 'Why, is this not a lamentable thing?'" I turned to see a disgruntled Kirk and an impassive Spock.
"Dr. McCoy, if you do not mind leaving?" Spock asked, gesturing to the door. "And if you mind refraining from constantly reciting The Tragedy of Romeo and Juliet?"
"Damn, the next line was the best!" I muttered. "But fine. There's no tragedy here anyway." I was at the door when Jim said:
"What was the next line?"
"I believe I have the answer." Spock replied. "O, their bones, their bones."
"Oh, our Bones." Jim said, smiling at me. "Our Bones."
I left, and as I retreated I saw out of the corner of my eye Spock beginning a mind-meld with Jim. I smiled. Their love for one another hopefully would not end in either of them committing suicide like Romeo and Juliet. I didn't think it would, anyway. I think their relationship would last to the end of both of their lives. The two were so much alike, and yet different. They were perfect for one another. I chuckled. "Those two households, both alike in dignity...in the fair Enterprise where we lay our scene...what they had missed, my toil strove to mend."
Okay, in the event you don't speak Klingon, McCoy said, "Your mother has a smooth forehead, Spock! (big insult in Klingon, apparently) You of low honor. (another big insult) Damn!
Liked my references to Romeo and Juliet? I cut out a few lines with Mercutio/McCoy, but I bet in the future some of the lines were lost anyway.