Alright, I'm sure you don't want to her this, but I had originally written almost this entire chapter like last week, and then I lost it when my computer restarted, sad, no? And trust me, the original one was much better, which is sad. ):
AND OH MY GOD.
I've also been having personal issues for the past two weeks. (Seriously, don't even ask.) And last night, all I wanted was a little cute fluffiness to make me feel better, so I was looking for some Figgy and you know what? THERE IS NONE! O:
Sad, no? I had to relocate to RENT to get my slashy goodness in. (Mark/Roger is so adorable. Seriously.)
Chapter II: The Air is Cold and So Are You
I want to hold you, but I don't think you'd let me.
The sky is grey overcast, the same color as the waves crashing against the rocks of the shore. I think it's going to rain. It's the same sort of day that brought us to this place nineteen years ago, a dark, unhappy day with gloom whistling in the breeze.
You've brought me to this pier that might've once had its glory days, maybe it housed a ferris wheel and cotton candy vendors, but now it's all turned to moist, rotting pine cracking at every other plank, if you look though, you can still see dates and initials carved in- "Josey and Ned, forever in love, '69" and what not. It makes me laugh, to think of how many of them probably divorced, broke up, separated or just brought themselves to the edge. I wonder how many of them actually kept their silly teenage vows. Or how many ended up like us.
Another wind blows through, pushing me back west, back home. I'm shivering now, and I can't say I'd mind feeling a little California sun. Because right now, it's freezing, it's wet, it's miserable, and yet, despite all of this, there you stand- pressed up against a rotting railing, holding tight to the edge, pushing forth into the face of the wind, I fear the next gust might blow you over. So thin, so delicate, it scares me. I want to grab you, steady you, hold you, protect you, promise you, make it right again. I'll be your ship, if you'll be my figure head, and together we might sail…
I step closer, daring to believe that maybe you might just let me touch you like I used to. Maybe, you might let me forget nineteen years of everything I never wanted. But when my hand brushes against the small of your back, even the smallest ripple of touch, you hug yourself tighter. And inside, I'm screaming, what did I do
Nineteen years is a long time to hold a grudge, but for some reason I wouldn't put it past you.
The long silence we're living in is only filled with the sound of the waves, not a breath, not a noise, just the waves, sloshing in time with the hammering of my heart against my ribcage. And that's all there is, for a very long time.
"Are you seeing someone?" I can only just hear you above the roar.
I don't want to answer you, but I do, "Yes."
I can hear the wince in your voice, hear the hurt carry from your heart through your vocal chords, "Is it serious?"
"Yes." I admit, more to myself than to you. This is serious. This infidelity, this meeting, these words. It was all too serious.
"You love her, then." This isn't a question, and I don't have an answer. Because had you said the same thing to me just yesterday, I would have said yes, I do very much, thank you. Lexus was everything I could have asked for. She was a professional photographer and part time painter with a few galleries under her belt, but she'd told me time and time again she'd give it all up to live at home and raise a family, if that's what we wanted. She was smart, she was funny. And she was beautiful too, legs for days and days, tiny waist, graceful hands, shimmery hazel eyes and long hair she always wore flowing down to her thighs. And all these traits I'd held high, that I'd paraded around at cocktail parties and fantasy baseball tournaments, just faded into the background. Traits, that's all they were, nothing of any real relevancy.
"I thought I did," I say softly, my fingers running down the curve of your back, pleading for attention, "But Iggy, I swear-"
"Fang!" You turn sharply, and suddenly I realize, you are taller than me, more than I cared to remember. I guess I forgot just how menacing you could really be, your brow knit, your mouth set and your fists clenched, more angst ridden teen than mannered adult, "Don't do this."
"No, listen to me, Fang. This is important." I shut my mouth, biting my tongue so hard I taste blood, so the words won't slip out: I love you, I love you more than anything, please just tell me, lie to me, you love me too.
"Don't ruin your life for me, Fang. Don't give up everything you have going for you on some stupid affair going nowhere. Don't read into this, it's just-"
I don't want to hear it anymore, not your voice, not mine, not any sense of reason. Instead, I wrap you up in my arms before you can protest, and I crush our mouths together, just like the first time all over again. And it's awkward, at first, you wriggling against me, me pulling you closer, fighting each other for room to breath but then, it fits. Just like that, everything is back to the way it was.
And when we're both blue from lack of air, I finally let go, and I can't help but smile. Because the way you look at me, the way the corners of your mouth upturn in that little smile, I know it's what you really wanted. You will never convince me otherwise.
"Iggy," I say softly, my arms circling your waist, pulling us hip to hip, your smile grows, "You don't have to tell me about ruining my life and stupid affairs going nowhere."
"Please," you plead, although without nearly as much feeling, "Don't make this mistake."
"Don't tell me about mistakes," I throw my arms around you, begging you not to speak. And when you don't, I put my lips against your ear, squeezing my eyes shut, "When I left you, that was a mistake. These last nineteen years have been a mistake. I know what I'm doing. Please, don't make it bad."
I wait, expecting the worst. Pushing, protesting, accusations, the whole nine yards, but then, I feel you hugging me back, clinging to me, almost, and very softly, I hear you say, "You have no idea how long I've waited to hear that."
My heart melts right into my stomach, and that's it. I'm yours, do with me as you wish, because it's hopeless now.
By the way, personal issues fixed. :)
So hopefully that means I'll be updating more. :p