First off guys, I'm sorry but I tried writing James' POV and I really really really didn't like it. I love writing Remus' POV so this is Remus POV.
The final installment?
How Can You?
I threw myself into the chair and folded my arms crossly. Why did he have to hurt me?
James threw me a questioning glance but I merely scowled in his direction. He looked up to the stairs where Sirius was stood and understanding passed through his eyes.
I glanced up too and our eyes met.
Then they ghosted over me as if I wasn't even there.
My heart throbbed painfully and I looked away.
I was sick of being of hurt.
Sick of it.
James walked over to Sirius and whispered frantically in his ear, I saw Sirius shake his head slightly and then leave the Common Room without warning.
James rolled his eyes and walked back over to me.
"How can you?" He asked spitefully and I turn to him in surprise.
"How can I what?"
"He loves you! How can you not see that?"
"And you don't think I love him? He had his chance James. He had his chance and he blew it." I go back to staring into the fire and hear James walk away.
Mary says goodnight and I see Sirius re-enter from the corner of my eye.
I watch as Mary walks up to bed and James paces before he too climbs the stairs.
I love her.
But I know it's fruitless trying to tell myself something that isn't true.
I love him.
That's the truth. But me and him just don't match, but I can't get him from my mind.
I hear James approach and sense him stood watching me.
I do not bother to move and let him think I am asleep.
Ten minutes pass and still he does not move.
"What do you want James?" I ask tiredly, not bothering to open my eyes.
"H - how?" He asks and I shake my head, I've never explained completely what being a werewolf means; they've just accepted the fact that I know if someone is approaching.
He sits down on the rug in front of me. "I just wanted to talk to you about Sirius again" He says timidly and I bite my lip.
"What about him?" I say more viciously than I meant to and I see him flinch slightly.
"He told me about - about the other night." My stomach stumbles at his words.
"What about it?" I snarl, my mind and heart torn.
"He said… well he said that you two … er …. kissed." I snorted loudly.
"Did he tell you what he did?" I asked and James nodded.
"He is sorry -" James starts to say but I cut him off.
"I don't want to hear it James! I mean nothing to Sirius and quite frankly; I couldn't care less! I thought I made that clear earlier?"I stand up, ignoring the confusion wrote on James' face and walk from the common room.
"Where are you going?" He calls after me.
"For a walk." I shout back barely away that Sirius is watching me intently.
"Want me to accompany you?" James shouts and I shut my eyes briefly before turning round.
"No." I carry on walking, ignoring the confused glances.
"Don't you need the you-know-what's?" I roll my eyes. Why can't he let me leave peacefully?
"No. I don't need anything or anyone!" I feel my temper rising.
I stalk around the castle, enjoying the darkness and the creeping shadows.
My senses are alert and aware, and I breathe peacefully, glad to be away from the warm stuffy common room, away from Sirius, away from his scent.
I climb to the top of the Astronomy tower and onto the roof.
I dangle my legs over the edge and put my face in my hands.
Why does life have to be so complicated?
Sirius loves me and I love him. So why can't we be together?
I know James will be talking to him now, telling him what I said. I know Sirius will come looking for me and part of me wants to be found.
Part of me never wants to leave his arms again.
But the rest of me just wants to be left alone and never speak to him again.
The rest of me understands.
"R - Remus?" I don't bother turning round.
"What Sirius?" He sits down besides me and shifts his hands nervously.
"I - I'm sorry." I know he's watching me but still I don't care.
"Okay Sirius." I know he wants me to respond to him, to reassure him but I find I cannot.
He stays silent and looks down at the ground below us. He shifts himself closer to me as if scared but I scoot away.
"Remus…" He says gently but still I refuse to look at him. "Remus please!"
I bite my lip and turn my head away. "I've said I'm sorry Remus! What more do you want?" I feel tears forming in my eyes but I blink them back; he sounds so genuine.
"What are you sorry for Padfoot? Pushing me away or accusing me of not caring for Mary?" My voice is icy and I feel his pain.
"Both." He says softly and lays a hand over my own.
I wrench my hand away. "Don't." I look up to the stars and wish for the thousandth time that I could see a full moon through my own eyes.
"Why not Remus? I thought this is what you wanted!" I know his eyes are searching me for any sign of emotion but still I refuse to look at him.
I bite my lip again. "Not any more." I whisper and his eyes widen and his heart beats faster.
"What?!" He yelps.
"Sirius, we, we can't be anything!" I run an agitated hand through my golden locks. "We - we don't fit together!"
"Does it really matter?" He asks irritated and I know he's growing angry.
"Yes. Yes! It does! It matters to me! I'm a werewolf and you're a pureblood!" I meet his eyes for the first time.
"I didn't think you were that shallow." he says coldly, turning away from me.
"I'm not Sirius! I just - I just think we're better of as friends." I hate myself for hurting him.
"Why? I love you Remus! Does that not mean anything to you?"
"We - we just aren't right for each other Sirius!" I stand up, ignoring his confession.
"Explain to me Remus. Explain why we aren't right for each other!" He stands up too.
"I don't want to get hurt. You hurt people Sirius! And I don't want to get hurt! I've spent too long meaning nothing to you and now - and now I don't want to mean to anything to you!" I laugh bitterly.
I turn to walk away but he grabs me and spins me round. He holds me tight and presses his lips against mine. I feel myself weakening, melting to his gentle caress.
Then I push him away as my mind kicks in.
"Can you honestly tell me that you feel nothing for me?" He exclaims, his voice cracking.
"No." I whisper sadly.
"Then why can't we?" He asks angrily.
"Because - because I don't trust myself with you! I don't want to get hurt anymore Padfoot and I want to walk away whilst I still have the choice!" I wrench myself from his grip.
He chuckles dryly. "You gave that choice up when you chose to kiss me!" I gulp and look away. I know he's right. "I love you a lot Remus, why can't you see that?" His voice is soft and gentle.
I choose to ignore him. "You can sense it, I know you can. So why won't you believe me?"
"I do believe you Padfoot. I never said I didn't!"
"You love Mary don't you?" I snort and meet his gaze again.
"No. The only person I've ever loved is you -"
He interrupts. "So why not Remus?"
"We're too different!" I snarl and turn away, bitter tears forming. "I love you Sirius, okay? I do, I love you! But guess what? It's too late! You have no idea what you've put me through these last two days! You only want me because you can't have me, because I'm a challenge! The minute you get me, you'll push me away and I don't want to get hurt anymore!"
I start to walk away, he stands there looking as though I've slapped him.
"Take a chance! Take a risk! Live a little!" He shouts at my retreating back.
"I already did and I got hurt!" I turn round to face him. "I took a chance and I got pushed away! I took a risk and I lost everything!"
I see the colour drain from his face.
"I've already -"
"You've already what!? Apologized? I don't care Sirius! Words mean nothing when the speaker lies!" I find myself yelling, my hands curled into tight balls.
"I didn't lie!" He shouts back.
"I'm a werewolf Sirius! I know when I'm being lied to!" I shut my eyes briefly to calm myself down.
"Why can't you just love me Remus?" He says it quietly and my breath hitches at his sadness.
"Don't you think you've hurt me enough? Without teasing me as well?" I start to walk towards him. "You're a player Sirius! A cold hearted player! I don't deserve that!"
"I'm s-" He goes to apologise but I don't want him to lie again.
"Save your breath. I want us to be friends Padfoot! Nothing more and nothing less!"
"Well I don't! I want to mean everything to you Remus!" His eyes are wild.
"No!" I say again, shaking my head firmly.
"Why not?" He asks for what feels like the thousandth time.
"I'm sick of being hurt!" I find myself shouting. "I've had to watch you with girl after girl after girl! I've had to comfort you when they broke up with you and I've had to put up with being just your friend for the past three years! I've had enough Sirius!"
I stand there breathing heavily. "I just want to be friends." I say again.
"I'm loosing you Remus." His voice is quiet.
"Yes. You are." I say simply, offering no reassurance.
"Why?" He smiles sadly, I snort; as if he doesn't know.
"Because you won't let me walk away."
"It hurts. It hurts to have you so close and yet not able to touch you."
"Tell me about it." I say bitterly. "But everything will become so complicated if we become something. I don't want to loose you either Padfoot." I need him to understand that I don't want to loose his friendship. "Why can't we just go back to how we were?"
"Because there's too much to forget."
"It was one kiss Sirius! One kiss!"
"Actually it was two." He says smiling.
I roll my eyes. "Two kisses. That's it. We should just go back to being friends and then - and then we can see how things go."
"… yeah" He hangs his head in defeat, but this angers me more.
"You give up too easily!" I find myself snarling at him.
His jaw tightens. "What the hell do you want from me Remus!? You don't want me to love you but you don't want me to agree with you! What do you want?" His voice is vicious and I draw myself to my full height.
"This is what I mean Sirius! If you really loved me you wouldn't stop fighting for me! You would keep going until you had me!"
He laughs sourly. "I aren't going to get you though, am I?! You've made that clear! So what's the point in fighting a loosing battle?"
"Well why not?"
"I'll just get hurt again and again when I could just give up now."
"Thank god the world doesn't think like you Sirius otherwise Voldemort would be in charge right now!"
He shakes his head and breathes out angrily. "At least I aren't playing mind games with you Remus!"
"I don't care anymore Sirius. I just don't care! You made your choice when you pushed me away and I made my choice when you stuck your tongue down that blondes throat." I go to push him but he catches my wrists and pulls me towards him.
"You surprised me! That's it!"
I snort and smirk at him. "You were so surprised you had to get a girlfriend? So surprised that you had to snog her at every opportunity?"
"I - I was in denial. I needed to sort myself out, clear my mind and it just took me a while to figure it all out!"
"I don't care anymore. I just don't care. I just want to be friends. We don't fit and I'm fine with that." My voice cracks and he knows it's killing me to do this.
"Well I'm not." He says stubbornly.
"Friends -" My voice wavers. "- or not?"
"Why deny yourself what you want? When you can have it?" He asks softly and his arms are slung around me.
"Friends?" I ask more sternly and push him away.
"For gods sake Sirius! The answer is no!"
"But you want it -"
"Of course I do! But I need to be careful and I care more about protecting myself than getting what I want. Friends?" I ask with finality in my tone.
"… Friends." He finally says and I smile briefly before walking away, before turning my back on him, before I leave the past behind.
I walk away, dying inside, wanting him to call after me, to stop me.
But he doesn't.
And I carry on walking, wondering if I've done the right thing or if I've made the biggest mistake of my life.
And I carry on walking, walking away from what I want, away from what I could have.
And I carry on walking as friends.
Nothing more, nothing less.
That's what we are.
I've been through and corrected some of my mistakes :P Thanks for poiting them out guys!
I know the ending is very depressing and quite repetetive but it just fits with my mood. I will write an alternate ending if you like,,, if three people say yes then I will :P
Also I've got to say after not reading it for several days and then reading just now I don't really like it, it isn't my best piece of work to say at the very least :P
Also, Can Anyone Spot The Cruel Intentions Quotes ?
Clue: Sirius says the first one and then Remus say's one (Practically) straight after him.