Riding the Gears
The words kept replaying in my head. "It'll be as though I never existed" nearly every trace of him was gone. Except for the right handed scrawl that was beneath the empty places where pictures used to be in my album. As if I'd made him up. I'd thrown my CD player against the wall across my room. It laying there in 3 large pieces, I wasn't the least bit concerned. It was empty as well. The lullaby was gone. I was certain that I was in hell. I was empty. Charlie had been watching me extra closely. No doubt truly believing that I would wither and turn to dust. That's the second reasoning for my window being open, that and my hope that he would crawl through it and bring me to life. I wanted him to save me from the nothing that I had become.
But I knew that he meant every word he said. He didn't want me. I loathed and loved him. The feelings inside me were frozen, and yet if it made any sense I was devoid of feeling anything else. Everything on my body hurt. I was sure that It was from the constant crying, screaming and throwing fits. I tried keeping myself sane, but mostly I knew that it was ridiculous to try. Charlie tried sending me back with Renee a few days back. I refused. Like hell I was going to let everyone confirm that I was nuts. I had to stay here, I had to prove his existence even if it was the last thing I ever did. I was so lost without Edward. God it hurt to even think his name. It felt like my insides were tearing apart. I held tightly to my sides and drew my legs into myself. Great. Here it comes again, it felt like liquid fire pouring from my eyes. Tears. I had to pull myself together.
"Promise you won't do anything stupid or reckless." I can't believe that I promised him that. I can't believe that he had promised me that he'd never leave. Liar! His face was so cold. As though he'd never even held an diminutive amount of love for me. How could he do that? Although I understood him. I mean look at me! Average, nothing special Bella. I'm actually surprised that he hadn't come to his senses earlier, and thankful for it at the same time. I cherished every memory that I believed that I had shared with Edward, Alice…The Cullens. Hell I was even missing the scowls from Rosalie. I wanted to die. Death would have been a very welcome distraction. I didn't even want to try anymore. I had promised Charlie that I'd go out with Jessica tomorrow. I was desperate. But who the hell was I kidding. I was riding high upon a deep depression. All I knew was that I had to compose myself before Charlie came home from work, or I would certainly be having a repeat threat shoved back in my face.
The storm outside had become violent. The wind was nearly twisting the trees in half. But I wanted to feel it. I ran down my stairs full speed , of course tripping halfway down and eating a mouth full of poorly carpeted floor. Yeah. It hurt. But no pain would ever be comparable to repetitively hearing the voice of Edward in my head. I carelessly heaved myself off the floor and into the beauty of the storm. The gale force winds nearly knocked me over. Platinum Lighting was burning up the sky in every direction. Merciless. Thunder rolled and wavered through the sleepy town, somehow shaking me awake to the core. As for the rain, it was cold, Like Edward. I let it fall on my face, washing away the rest of my sanity. I could feel the cool crystals clinging to my lashes, blinding in with the ones falling from my inner eyes. I felt almost normal. Almost. I thought about every painful thing that I had experienced, placing them all in a mental box to use them in my favor someday. I replayed every feeling that I ever had from happiness to despair like a black and white film. I watched as the girl I once was, became the one not being able to distinguish which moistness were tears and which ones were rain drops trickling down her cheeks. I remembered how Edward had told me that he didn't have a heartbeat. I couldn't agree with him more. But here I am again, riding the gears between love and hate.
I must have sat in the storm for 3 hours. I tried to sit there at least until I felt that even my bones were buoyant in my blood. I decided to pick my head up long enough to take a shower. If I let Charlie see me like a drowned rat, I was positive that I would be headed to the Forks hospital in a straight jacket. Now that I thought about it, a room with padded walls didn't sound so bad. It was a safe haven, it wouldn't even matter if I fell. I could scream and cry to my hearts content. Yes. An insane asylum did have its certain charms. No. I needed to stop thinking like that. I had become deliciously emo lately. If I wasn't careful, I would soon be crapping out bats. A shower would hopefully do me some good. I had let it slide for a few days. I grabbed my bag of toiletries and headed for our shared bathroom. How I longed for my own. It really did need a woman's touch. The lighting was yellowish, the mirror was too small, the counter top was pretty much non-existent. The shower curtain was old, clear. Clear only because I washed it a least once a week. Another annoying task. I needed to hurry along with my human moment. Charlie was do home within the hour. I ran the water over my shoulders rinsing out the strawberry shampoo, I took my time washing my body to let the cream rinse work its wonder on the mess I called hair. I couldn't believe that I actually missed the way that Alice made me her personal Barbie doll. I needed to find a way out of my own head for awhile. All my thoughts were about them, I was slowly torturing myself. I dried and dressed quickly in my old sweats and ran to make Charlie some supper, I decided on soup and sandwiches, since it was a cold day. I put the broth onto boil and watched out the window as Charlie's cruiser came into view and stopped in the yard. Watching him walk up the gravel I could see the glint of the young man that whisked a young Renee off her feet. That was until he got closer to the house. Now he looked like he lacked sleep, and hair. His receding hair line was beginning to work its was backwards again. Poor dad. I calculated each of his steps. It took him 32 steps from the door of his cruiser to the hallway to hang up his gun belt and take off his boots. It was now that I realized Chief Swan was home. I had to put up an award winning performance. I wasn't leaving Forks. Not Alive anyway.
"Hey there Bells." He sounded somber. He had been very cautious around me, careful to not make me burst into a crying ball of fire.
"Hey, dad" good start. But still a bit weaker than what I was originally aiming for.
"Hmm that smells good! Its been awhile since you've cooked!" He was surprised. This was good. Very good indeed.
"Tomato soup with grilled cheese and ham" The cheese was beginning to melt off the corners of the bread. I knew that he liked them this way, mom and I used to make them for him.
"Perfect. Say are you still going out with Jess tomorrow?" Wow. He got to point quick.
"Yeah, we're going to Port Angeles to go see a movie." Yup. A movie, a gory bloody zombie movie. Love stinks. It was going to be tough to hang out with Jess. She was surprised when I'd asked her as I have been ignoring all of my friends. I'm somewhat of an empty shell. That I can't deny.
"Ah, uh, a zombie one, lots of blood." Yes. To watch someone else's pain. To watch as their brains are devoured by flesh eating sloths. Kind of made me wonder how anyone actually ever got caught by them, Zombies were impeccably slow and dim witted creatures. But I guess that is the irony and the humor in it. Ah there I go again. Emo.
"Uh, that sounds terrible Bells" Charlie let a low chuckle escape. Yes. This was working marvelously.
"I used to love those types of movies" I wonder if I should bail out on Jess and see if dad wants to go?
"Since your going out with Jess tomorrow, Billy Black called and made plans for a fishing trip. Would it be alright if I went Bells? Would you be okay?" Poor dad. He was really worried about me. He'd even been hiding the gun. I didn't blame him though its not like I hadn't thought about pulling the trigger in my mouth.
"Yeah dad. I'll be fine. I'm a big girl now."
"I know that Bells, its jus-" I had to cut him off, I wasn't so composed that I wouldn't start crying at the mention of his name from another's lips.
"I promise dad, I'll have fun with Jess and everything will be great"
"Maybe you could make it a double date, invite that Mike Newton that Jess is dating and you could bring along Jacob" Charlie was actually going there. I wanted to slap him, cry and slap him again.
"Dad!" I was not ready to be double dating. I was still in love with Edward even if he didn't care about me anymore. Wow that thought stings.
"Sorry Bells, maybe you could all just go as friends?" Let it go Charlie!
"Dad, I'm just really not ready for that okay?" He looked so disheartened.
I handed Charlie a bowl of soup and a sandwich and watched as he made his was into the living room to watch Sports Center. I was just happy that he'd given up. I wasn't hungry, and I wasn't surprised. I hadn't eaten in almost two days. Most likely why I felt so empty, but I was way too tired to care.
"I'm going to bed, goodnight" I turned and bounded up the stairs. Not letting Charlie answer or retort. I crawled into bed and closed my eyes. I laid there for hours pretending that I was asleep. 4 hours actually. Charlie would be in an half hour to check on me, as was our tradition every night since, well since before I could remember. I closed my eyes again and began drifting off into wonderland. Once again having a very unusual nightmare. I couldn't decipher any of it. It was all blurry and jumbled together but I could hear voices. One very deep smooth one, mine, and someone quite old. There were wolves maybe? Howling in the background? An odd combination. Everything got misty. And then I woke up.
Morning already? The sun was actually trying to peak through the clouds today. But only feebly. I got up put on some clothes and headed downstairs for some breakfast. A banana and some milk. All I could muster for this morning. Food repulsed me lately. I washed my glass, dried it and put it back in the cabinet. Grabbing my back pack and my truck keys I headed out the front door locking it behind me. I looked out at the gravel driveway imagining a silver Volvo sitting there waiting for me. Edward. I was crying again. It was a good thing that I didn't waste much time putting on makeup. I sat in the same spot I did last night, gasping for air and howling in pain. I threw large handfuls of gravel at the ground in front of me. Trying to inflict the pain I felt of the terra firma, but not getting anywhere with it. I sat there for a good fifteen minutes. If I didn't get up and drag my ass to school I was going to be late, and I didn't have any excuses left in my arsenal, I'm having an emotional breakdown only leads you to having to talk to the school's therapist. There was no way I was going there. Yeah, there is a problem Mr. Kale I dated a Vampire and he left me because he didn't love me anymore. Oh! Did I mention that it was Edward Cullen and his entire family? Yeah and I was bitten by one named James! Yeah like I didn't know how fucked up that sounded. I was worse than any teenage girl that I knew.
After psychoanalyzing myself for another 2 minutes I ran to my beloved old truck, threw my bag in the back pushed the keys into the ignition and put the pedal to the metal. By the time that I hit fifty five the truck was begging for me to slow down, she was old. I refused to give in, I wasn't prepared to give a half assed excuse, mostly because I didn't have one, nor did I have the energy to make one up. I pushed her still to sixty. She was starting to shake, but the poor old thing was in luck the school parking lot was less than a hundred yards away. I slowed down and squealed into an empty space. I left my keys in the ignition, perhaps I was too trusting but lately my give a damn was busted. I grabbed my beat up blue back pack and raced for my first class.