Crazy Crazy Mansion
By Hoogiman

Chapter One

Master Hand sat in his office, counting his money and calculating his net worth, as a greedy entrepreneur would.

"Man," said Master Hand, leaning back in his chair and relaxing, "Having all of this money here is just so… awesome…"

An irritated Hammer Bros. dressed in a maid's outfit walked into the room, placing a tall cocktail onto the side of Master Hand's desk.

"I am not being your personal slave anymore!" said the Hammer Bros. angrily.

"Oh, that's okay," said Master Hand wittily, "Well if you don't, you might find that your job as an assist trophy will just… disappear!"

The Hammer Bros. glared at Master Hand angrily. "I don't even want to be an assist trophy. In fact, I quit!"

"You can't quit," said Master Hand, smiling evilly, "You signed a ten year contract."

"Errrgh," grumbled the Hammer Bros. in frustration, "I hate your signature forging skills, Master Hand."

Master Hand chuckled, "Well, off to work slave maid girl!"

"I'm a guy," said the Hammer Bros. in his deep turtle-bird-like masculine voice.

"You don't sound like a guy," laughed Master Hand in his high-pitched squeaky voice.

"You don't sound like a guy at all!" said the Hammer Bros. angrily. "After you tried taking those steroi -"

"Shut up!" cried Master Hand, "I wouldn't have taken those pills had I known there was a side-effect of becoming almost a woman! So shut up! Just shut up!"

Master Hand sobbed.

"Well," said the Hammer Bros., "…it does serve you right…"

"Do you want to be fired, punk?" said Master Hand angrily.

"Well, yes..." said the Hammer Bros. softly.

"You know what? I don't even want you here anymore! You're fired!" said Master Hand angrily.

"Wooo!" screamed the Hammer Bros. in excitement, running out of the room happily.

"I think I just crushed him emotionally," cackled Master Hand. "After all, it was his dream to work here and…"

The Hammer Bros. dashed into the office, "Actually, you forced me into this job and I hate it."

"I hate you!" said Master Hand angrily.

The Hammer Bros. dashed out.

Crazy Hand floated in.

"Oh, hi Crazy," said Master Hand angrily.

"Helloes my darling," said Crazy Hand, spinning around incessantly. "I'm here to request another brick for my room as-"

The Hammer Bros. ran in excitedly, "Master Hand, you're screwed, the taxman is here!"

Master Hand gasped, "I haven't paid my taxes in fourteen years!"

The Hammer Bros. chuckled sadistically and ran out.

"What do I do?" said Master Hand, panicking.

The footsteps of the taxman were now audible.

"Help me, Crazy! What do I do?" said Master Hand panicking.

The footsteps were closer and louder.

"What do I do?" screamed Master Hand.

A jiggle on Master Hand's doorknob was heard.

"Eek!" screamed Master Hand, hiding under his desk.

The taxman, along with several policemen rammed the door off its hinges, causing it to fall on the ground.

They looked at Crazy Hand angrily, "Master Hand, you are under arrest-"

"Haha," said Master Hand to himself, "They'll arrest Crazy Hand for me, and he'll have to serve time for my crime!"

Master Hand cackled evilly.

The policeman turned and looked at Master Hand, hiding under the desk.

Master Hand gasped. "How did you find me?!"

"You had your finger on the speakerphone as you confessed your guilt," said the taxman.

"Oh," said Master Hand.

"And the cackling also gave away your position," said the taxman.

They arrested Master Hand.

"NUUEZ!" said Master Hand as they dragged him off

Crazy Hand tapped a spoon on a glass as all of the Smashers were sitting down in the main hall.

"Thank you for coming to this family meeting!" said Crazy Hand. "Master Hand has been arrested, which means-"

"But…" interrupted Ness, "This isn't a family meeting as we're not actually family!"

"Shut up, little boy," threatened Crazy Hand, cackling manically. "In this family meeting, I am announcing that Master Hand has been arrested, which means that-"

"But we're not family!" said Ness, annoyed.

"Yeah," said Kirby, "It should be called a group meeting-"

"Conference!" said Young Link angrily, "It's a spontaneous conference of-"

"Master Hand was arrested?!" said Link, shocked.

"Group meeting!" said Kirby and Nana angrily.

"Spontaneous conference!" said Young Link and Popo angrily.

"Wait," said Link, shocked, "Master Hand was arrested?!"

"Group meeting!" said Kirby, Nana and Peach angrily.

"Spontaneous conference!" said Young Link, Popo and Peach angrily.

"Shut up!" said Link angrily, "Master Hand has been arrested and-"

Everyone gasped.

"Master Hand's been arrested?!" said everyone in unison and shock.

"Yep," said Crazy Hand, foaming at the mouth, "Master Hand has been arrested for tax evasion, which means that I'm the head of the Smash Mansion!"

"Actually," said Luigi, "Master Hand specifically said that I'm the head of the Smash Mansion until he chose a repl-"

Crazy Hand squashed Luigi.

Continued Crazy Hand, "Master Hand has been arrested for tax evasion and Luigi has gotten into an accident…"

Everybody nodded in agreement.

"…which means that I'm the head of the Smash Mansion!" said Crazy Hand happily.

"AAH!" screamed everyone in unison, "We're doomed! We're doomed!"

"…and there are new Smashers arriving!" said Crazy Hand.

"Yay!" cheered everyone.

Everybody forgot about Master Hand, Crazy Hand being the commander in-chief and the whole 'being completely doomed' thing

Young Link, Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Pichu, Nana, Ness and Popo stood in a circle, discussing eagerly about the new Smashers.

"Oh my gosh," said Young Link excitedly, "Crazy Hand said there would be a new Smasher today!"

"I know, it would be so wonderful to meet this new person!" said Ness.

"Wonderful… more like… gonderful…" laughed Nana.


"Nana, that's not funny-" said Ness.

"Laugh at it," said Nana angrily, holding up a gun to Ness's throat.

"Hahaha," laughed Ness nervously, "So funny!"

"That's right," said Nana proudly, "I am funny."

Pikachu and Pichu nodded nervously.

"You know what else is funny?" said Young Link.

"What?" said everyone else in unison.

"Comedians," said Young Link.

Several people chuckled.

"That's not funny," said Nana angrily.

"It's more funny than your gonderful jokes that are-" laughed Ness.

Nana held a gun up to Ness's throat.

"…really funny!" laughed Ness hysterically.

"That's right," said Nana smugly.

Jigglypuff ran in excitedly.

"Guys, the new Smasher is coming in!" said Jigglypuff excitedly.

"Yay!" cheered everyone.

They all shuffled in rhythmical unison towards the front door.

Diddy Kong walked into the mansion.

"Ooh," said everyone in unison.

"What's your name, punk?" said Nana angrily, holding up Diddy Kong by the collar.

"Well, my name's not punk," laughed Diddy Kong.

Everybody chuckled except Nana and Young Link.

"That's not funny!" said Nana, holding a toy gun up to Ness's throat.

"Uh… that's a bubble gun," said Ness, confused.

"Bubble gun, more like, bubble gum!" laughed Diddy Kong.

Everybody except Nana and Young Link laughed.

"That's not funny," said Nana, aiming her gun at Diddy Kong.

"You stole my joke," said Young Link angrily.

"Joke, more like, broke," laughed Diddy Kong in a hyper voice.

"Are you being drugged or something? It's not funny!" said Nana angrily.

"Actually," said Popo, sniffing the air, "I think we are…"

Everybody passed out

Link and Crazy Hand stared at Luigi's body in silence.

"You know, seeing Luigi's dead…" said Link, "…maybe we should… organise a funeral for him or something?"

"No," replied Crazy Hand instantly.

"But what if Mario-"

"No," said Crazy Hand.

"But what if the-"

"No," said Crazy Hand.

"But perhaps we-"

"No," said Crazy Hand.



Link didn't say anything.

"No," said Crazy Hand.

Link didn't say anything.

"No," said Crazy Hand.

A cartoon light bulb appeared above Link's head.

"Should we not organise a funeral for Luigi?" said Link.

"No," said Crazy Hand.

"Okay then, let's organise it!" said Link.

Link went onto the internet and went on EasyFunerals4u dot com.

"Well, thanks to my wonderful search engine skills, I have found a directory of all of the funeral directors in the city!"

Crazy Hand used the mouse to scroll down the page.

"Ooh, what about this one?" said Crazy Hand, pointing to an ad in the directory.

"That funeral costs fourteen million dollars!" said Link, shocked, "Surely we don't care about Luigi that much."

Link looked at Luigi's body. "No offense."

"What about this one?" said Crazy Hand, pointing to another ad.

"Dinosaur-themed funeral?" said Link, half-shocked, half-disgusted. "Um… how about no?"

Crazy Hand was already in the process of ordering the super-deluxe Brontosaurus package.

"Crazy Hand!" said Link, shocked, "Surely we should think this through before ordering-"

Crazy Hand had already ordered the funeral.

"You don't even have a credit card!" said Link, "How did you pay for-"

Link noticed his wallet was missing.

"Don't worry, I'll pay you back," said Crazy Hand, holding up Link's credit card.

Crazy Hand took four hundred dollars out of Link's wallet and gave it to Link.

"That's my money you're paying with!" said Link angrily.

"What, you don't want me to pay you back?" said Crazy Hand, pocketing the money, "Fine!"

"Errgh," said Link in frustration.

Nana and Young Link snuck off from the group and went into a corner.

"I really hate that Diddy Kong," said Nana angrily.

"Yeah, me too," said Young Link. "He steals all of my jokes-"

"And he uses all of the jokes that I should have come up with!" said Nana angrily.

"Do you want to kill him?" said Young Link.

"Okay," said Nana.

"Really?" said Young Link.

"Yeah, I'm dead serious," said Nana.

"Oh, because I was joking and-"

"You'll kill him," said Nana, holding up her bubble gun threateningly.

"Okay," said Young Link nervously.

A man in a cheap dinosaur costume along with two buckteeth female assistants carrying a clown-size coffin walked into the Smash Mansion.

"Here's our dinosaur funeral!" said Crazy Hand excitedly.

"That's right," said the man, "We're going to give him a dino-riffic departur-"

The excitement was too much for Crazy Hand to handle, which caused him to have a spasm and squash the man and his two ugly-looking assistants.

"You idiot!" said Link angrily. "We're going to have to have four funerals now!"

"Sorry," said Crazy Hand.

Crazy Hand stole the dinosaur man's wallet.

"Cool! Now you can pay me back!" said Link.

"Okay," said Crazy Hand, handing Link a twenty dollar bill.

"That's for twenty dollars," said Link angrily.

"What, you don't want me to pay you back?" said Crazy Hand, pocketing the money, "Fine!"

"Errgh," said Link in frustration

Nana and Young Link sat on a very high-up plank of wood that was near the ceiling.

"Okay," said Nana, "We've set up this anvil here, so all we have to do is wait for Diddy Kong to step under it…"

"…then we cut the rope, and kill Diddy Kong!" said Young Link.

Young Link and Nana cackled evilly.

"I'm getting a soda," said Nana, "Do you want one?"

"No," said Young Link, "I'm trying to keep my dental-"

Nana held up a gun to Young Link's throat. "You will have a soda and you will enjoy it."

"Okay," said Young Link nervously

A policeman walked through the front door.

"We're here to investigate a murder," said the policeman, walking up to Crazy Hand and Link, who were trembling in fear. "We were going to have a dinosaur funeral for one of our fellow policemen, but they haven't showed up!"

The policeman glared at Link angrily.

"Would you have anything to do with this?" said the policeman suspiciously.

"It was all Crazy Hand's fault! I swear! He was the one that-"

"Is that Diddy Kong down there?" said Nana, pointing to the policeman that was standing under the path of the anvil.

"I don't know," said Young Link, "I don't remember Diddy Kong being so policeman-like and human-like and-"

"Release the anvil!" said Nana psychotically.

"But it isn't-"

Nana used a pocket knife to release the anvil.

"I swear, it wasn't me!" cried Link.

"I'm sorry Link, but I'm going to have to arrest you-"

"NUUEZ!" screamed Link.

The anvil landed on the policeman, killing him.

"Great! Now we need five funerals!" said Link angrily.

"Ooh," said Crazy Hand, "We could have a dinosaur funeral!"

"You killed them," said Link.

"Oh," said Crazy Hand.

"Ooh," said Crazy Hand, "We could have a dinosaur funeral!"

"You killed them," said Link.

"Oh," said Crazy Hand.

"You idiot!" said Nana angrily. "You killed a policeman!"

"You were the one that released the anvil!" said Young Link angrily.

"Anyway," said Nana, looking eight metres down onto the ground, "We should probably… get out of here… being so high up and all…"

"How did we get up here?" said Young Link.

"I dunno," said Nana, shocked.

"HELP!" screamed Young Link and Nana in unison, stuck near the ceiling

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