Title: Squirrelism
By: Neuriel
Rating: PG
Category: Humor, General, Crack!fic
Spoilers: None
Disclaimers: Neither Stargate Atlantis nor any of its characters belongs to me.


Sheppard-squirrel sat on the tree branch, eating a nut. He ignored the humans below. One was jumping up and down, waving his hands, while another was yelling, and a female was trying to calm them both down.


Ronon tried jumping at the branch again with outstretched hands but fell back down, unsuccessful. "I think I can get it this time," he said.


"Ronon, I think we will need help to get up there - Rodney, please stop screeching - Ronon, did you not hear me? - Rodney, your voice will get hoarse." Teyla was annoyed that neither of them were paying her any attention.

Meanwhile, Sheppard was finished with his nut. He dropped the shells, quite deliberately, on Ronon and Rodney. Now bored, he decided to take a nap, so he curled up into a little ball and closed his eyes.


Sheppard-squirrel was soon zonked out, oblivious to the world.

Ronon had given up on jumping and was now considering flinging a rock at the squirrel to knock it out of the tree. Teyla immediately nixed that idea. Instead, she offered to go back to the village and see if any of the villagers had a ladder or something to catch Sheppard-squirrel.

Thus, Ronon and Rodney were left alone with the sleeping squirrel.

"Didn't I say not to touch anything?" Rodney was ranting, mostly to himself because Ronon had stopped listening five minutes ago.

Ronon grunted.

"Look what happened! And who's going to be blamed? Me! That's who. Always blame the scientist, even though he warns everyone not to touch devices that shouldn't be touched!"

Ronon looked at his fingernails. They needed trimming. He used to bite them off, but then Teyla had introduced him to the Lanteans' "nail clipper."

"He's a squirrel, and who knows how long that will last? What if we can't change him back? They'll expect me to figure out a way. I know I'm brilliant, but aren't they aware of the enormous pressure they're placing on me?"

And so on and so on for a good forty minutes.

Ronon was doing a sudoku puzzle that he had taken from Rodney's bag. Rodney hadn't noticed, still caught up in the drama. Above them, Sheppard continued to sleep.

Finally, twenty minutes later, Rodney had talked himself hoarse, just as Teyla had predicted. He sat himself down next to Ronon and sulked, eating an energy bar from his backpack.

It was then, while Rodney ate the chocolate-flavored bar, that Sheppard suddenly awoke to the wonderful smell of something delicious. Curious, he looked down. The humans were still there. And in one of the humans' hands was the yummy-smelling item.

Cautiously, he climbed down the tree, careful not to make a sound. Rodney was munching away, and Ronon was enthralled in his puzzle. Just as Sheppard was about to pounce-leap on Rodney, a human hand grabbed him. He squeaked and struggled.

"Gotcha," Ronon said triumphantly. He'd heard Sheppard the moment the squirrel awoke and had been pretending to be busy.

Sheppard bit him, but to no effect - Ronon's skin was like the toughest hide known to squirrel.

Gaping, Rodney watched as Ronon deposited Sheppard into a bag. "What are you doing?" Rodney demanded.

"Keeping him until Teyla gets back," Ronon said.

"He'll suffocate in there!"

"He won't."

"Yes, he will!"

"He won't."

Meanwhile, Sheppard sat at the bottom of a bag filled with energy bars. He had been irritated, both by his capture and by his new prison, but being rather philosophical for a squirrel, he went about to devouring the bounty at his feet. After all, no use in wasting precious food.

When Teyla finally returned, accompanied by the village priest, Sheppard was fat and full. He'd actually gone back to sleep in the bag. This was fortunate, as the priest picked Sheppard up without any problem and took him back to the device.

The Lanteans watched as the priest put Sheppard on the pedestal, chanted a few words in Ancient, and then hit the square button on the front of the device. Sheppard's squirrel body started to glow, and squeaking awake, he fell off the pedestal. Seconds later, Sheppard was now human again, his face and hands covered in chocolate stains.

Everyone blinked.

"Uh... wow. That was weird," Sheppard said.

"It is good to have you back," Teyla said, an understatement.

Ronon clapped Sheppard hard on the shoulder, which was a mistake, as Sheppard suddenly looked rather green and was sick behind a bush. While a squirrel could stuff himself silly, Sheppard as a human could not.

After Sheppard was done, they thanked the priest for his help. The four trekked back to the gate, all very relieved that Sheppard was human once more. Especially Rodney, who no longer had to worry about trying to transform Sheppard back or explaining to Elizabeth why her military commander was now a squirrel.

But it would be a few days before Sheppard could get used to sleeping in a bed again and would stop yearning for a tree branch.

ze end