No one would believe Sirius Black if he were to tell them that in a week's time Remus Lupin would be his, and only his. In property sort of words, even, because Sirius by that time would have posted a large stamp on Remus' back that read 'Rightful Property of Sirius Black. If Found Lost, Return With No Detours'.
"But that won't be happening." James said skeptically, shaking his head as Sirius told him of his plans.
"You should wait and see."
"Honestly, now, Sirius," he said, "First of all, we all know that Remus can't be charmed. Secondly, Remus would kill you before he lets you stamp ink onto his skin."
Sirius pursed his lips at James. "If you're here to complain, go stuff your face with Wormtail."
"I'm not here to complain!" James said heatedly, "I'm just pointing out the obvious."
"Because you're so good at detecting the obvious," Sirius said sarcastically, smirking, "Last night you got punched in the stomach by Evans because you did not see the obvious. She doesn't like you!"
"This isn't about Evans!" James brushed off hastily, and sat down on the edge of his friend's bed.
"No, it is not. Now get off of my bed. I have food to charm."
"Food?" James asked with wide eyes, "Sirius, are you bloody poisoning Remus?? Because with your potion making abilities, I don't think that you should be slipping anything into Remus' food–"
"It's not a potion."
"I – what the hell is that?"
"A fortune cookie," Sirius answered with a mischievous grin, "from now on, every one that Remus eats will be more than just some sort of creepy words of wisdom like 'check your shoes' or something."
Sirius knew exactly how Remus functioned. His brain worked at one hundred miles per hour and somehow, every single option and choice was stored in his mind so he could access it.
That way, it made Remus falling in love with him very simple and easy.
"See, Remus should know that these are telling the real future," Sirius whispered to James as they walked into the Great Hall, "We're in a world of magic! Everyone should know that fortune cookies are actually predictive."
"I'm not so sure," James said, "Remus doesn't believe in that fate, karma crap."
"He'll pick up the hint."
The thing about Sirius Black was that he never gave up. He was determined and devoted until the deed was done. Whether it came to scoring that goal during a Quidditch game, sneaking into Hogsmeade, or making Remus fall in love with him, Sirius was going to accomplish it. And probably in less than two minutes.
The thing about Remus was that he never stopped processing things. His brain never slept. Meanwhile Sirius, could feel his brain dozing off accidentally in the middle of Transfiguration. And not wake up again until History of Magic.
Remus analyzed everything. And even if he didn't believe in fate, he believed in funny coincidences and when something was in his face and just damn right, and Sirius' fortune cookies were going to prove that.
"Ooh, look!! We have fortune cookies today on the snack plate."
Sirius looked over, to see some girl pointing to the red snack plate in the middle of the table. He smiled knowingly, before hearing James give a wicked cackling laugh in his ear.
"I love fortune cookies." Sirius hinted, and grabbed for one. Remus shrugged across from him, grabbing one too.
"Huh," Remus mumbled, "that's funny."
"What is?" Sirius inquired.
"Mine says 'Talk to a friend today.'" the werewolf said thoughtfully.
"Better than mine," James said bitterly, "It says 'check your shoes'. Pfft. So much for fate and karma."
Remus looked down, and smiled. "You're wearing two different types of shoes."
Sirius' eyes twinkled knowingly as he stared over at the tawny-haired boy. "Maybe these fortune cookies have more to them than you think."
"Fortune cookies? Again?" Remus questioned in the morning, staring at the snack plate. He shrugged, picked one up, and cracked open the cookie.
"What does it say?"
"Hmm… 'Somebody loves you'." Remus read with slightly enlarged eyes.
"Oooh, Remus has a secret admirer!" James cooed.
"I think not," Remus said firmly, shaking his head, "I think this is Sirius' fortune."
Sirius smiled. "Nope," he said, "I have a different one."
Cheekily, he held up a small piece of paper that said You're plan is working.
"This is getting creepy," Remus observed, eyes widening at Sirius' fortune, "What have you been planning??"
Sirius shrugged innocently. "Nothing life-and-death threatening. You'll find out soon enough."
"I don't like the sound of that."
"Good for you."
Sirius could smell when his plans were working. He could see the evidence, the proof, the sweet sight of victory. Sirius never failed. He could even see Remus sneaking into the Great Hall after Potions and cracking open another cookie just because it peeved him how crazily accurate they were. And as Remus stuffed it into his pocket, Sirius managed to summon it out with his wand.
A relationship is coming your way.
"Hey, Moony," Sirius said, walking up the dormitory stairs and holding up two fortune cookies, "these things are addictive. I got some more out after dinner, want one?"
"What's the addictive part?" Remus asked, eyeing the fortune cookie a little uneasily, "The fortune, or the cookie?"
"Eh…" Sirius pondered, "Both."
"Not an option!"
"I just made it one." the black-haired boy replied, before he tossed Remus a fortune cookie. "Crack it open, mate."
The werewolf opened his hesitantly, before scowling at the cookie in his palm. "Sirius," he said, "I think somebody has been hexing my fortune cookies. They all web together somehow."
"I don't think so. Perhaps a Slytherin jinx?" Remus suggested.
"Nah, Slytherins don't like fortune cookies."
"How do you figure?"
"Erm… because I've never seen them eat one…? I dunno." Sirius said, shaking his head. "Huh. Mine says 'You're friend will soon see you in a new light.'" he raised his eyebrows at Remus, who held up his hands defensively.
"Don't look at me," he said, "Maybe Peter."
"Disgusting." Sirius said with a face, before popping the cookie into his mouth, "What does yours say?"
"What? Oh, mine, er – it says nothing, really, nothing important."
Sirius snatched the fortune up, and then howled with laughter. "Wait, wait… 'It is now the time to embrace your feminine side'?"
Remus grabbed it back heatedly. "It has got to be malfunctioning. Perhaps James jinxed them. Just some sort of prank."
"No way!" the other boy said, "I don't think it's Prongs."
"Fortune cookies are dooming my life," Remus said firmly, and ripped his fortune in half, "No more of them for me."
"Come on, now." Sirius coaxed. "It's just a fortune cookie. What harm can it do?"
He slipped yet another cookie out of his pocket and held it suggestively out to Remus, who sighed at it.
"Fine." he said, before accepting the gift and cracking it open, "It says 'You will soon fall in love with the least person you expected to!'"
"How does it know that?" Remus asked skeptically, nibbling off the edge of the cookie.
"The less questions you ask, the better off you'll be in life."
"Why do you say that?"
"That'd be another question." Sirius pointed out, shaking his head.
"Eat another cookie yourself. I want to see what yours says."
"Probably something about flatulence."
"Sirius!" Remus said indignantly, flushing. "That is inappropriate!"
Sirius smiled, laughing, before he grabbed another fortune cookie and broke it. He murmured the paper's contents to himself, smiling wickedly. "Sweet sassy molassey!" he exclaimed. "It says that I will find the love of my life this weekend!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "You say that every time you find a new bird. I have trouble believing that this will be any different."
Sirius dug in his pocket, suggestively holding out yet another cookie to the werewolf.
"Good heavens," he said, "How many of those did you stuff in there, Padfoot?" Remus shook his head at the cookie, "I've really had enough of those. It's making me queasy."
"The cookie or the fortune?"
"Not an option." Sirius teased, prodding his friend's side.
"No." Remus said firmly, shaking his head and closing his eyes at the sight of Sirius offering him a fortune cookie during breakfast.
"Pleeeease." Sirius urged with his infamous puppy dog eyes, "Pretty please with a cockroach cluster on top?"
Remus pushed the fortune cookie away from his view. "They are a clear sign from doom."
Sirius made a mocking sound. "Pfft!" he scoffed, "Says who? Our divination teacher who constantly has his face buried in tea leaves and crystal balls? Oooh, are there fortune cookies haunting your future…?"
"Scarily, I think so," Remus said, "when I close my eyes all I see are fortune cookies. Is that a good sign? Along with the fact that I think they're telling my future."
"Then you better open this!" the black-haired boy coaxed, pushing the cookie into Remus' fingers, "What if you're going to die tomorrow?? Huh? You should know."
"From a fortune cookie? No thank you."
"What, do you think that they're poisoning you? I'll have one if you do."
Remus uneasily shook on their compromise, watching disapprovingly at Sirius swallowed down his cookie like a shotglass's contents.
"Aahh…" Sirius said, before unfolding his fortune. His eyes sparkled expectantly, "It says 'Good luck in love is coming your way."
"Mine says 'Make sure to not be oblivious to love when it's whacking you in the face'," Remus said with a scowl, "Gimme another one."
"What does it say?" Sirius asked when Remus broke open the other one, the cookie itself forgotten and in crumbs on the table.
"I… 'Someone is watching you'," the tawny-haired boy looked uneasily over his shoulder, before shuddering slightly, "Eerie. I knew that fortune cookies meant doom and danger."
And with that, Remus stomped on the fortune cookie he had left on the table and left the Great Hall hurriedly.
"Erm…" James cut in awkwardly, "mine says 'A redhead is thinking about you.' Evans?!"
Sirius chuckled heartedly before disappearing after Remus.
Sirius failed classes. He failed tests and quizzes and charms in classes, but one thing he did not fail, was Remus Lupin.
He was knowledgeable about Remus. His quirks, his peeves, his way of understanding things. The things that Remus found thoughtful or caring. And Sirius was not going to fail Remus now.
He always knew that fortune cookies would once rule the world.
"What's this?" Remus snapped loudly right before he slipped into bed. He held up a wrapped fortune cookie, and when Sirius heard the rustle of the wrapper in his hand, he smiled without coming out from behind his burgundy curtains.
"What are you talking about, Moony?" Sirius asked airily, grinning widely.
"This!" Remus whined loudly, and shoved away the hangings. "I don't. Like. Fortune cookies."
In three seconds, he had crushed the treat in his hand, so crumbs fell to the bottom of the wrapper.
"Open it," Sirius whispered softly, "you can't run away from the future."
Remus stared gently through the wrapper and at the fortune, which was now visible since the cookie covering it had been smashed.
"I… it says 'Padfoot loves you.' I…"
Sirius smiled, to show that he absolutely was not afraid of this, even though he was, oh god, he was – but he didn't want Remus to know that.
"Yeah. Yeah, it does."
Remus stared at the fortune. "Cute," he muttered, "but I think that James needs to stop charming my cookies."
But Sirius was already holding up his own fortune in front of Remus' eyes, which boldly said Sweet sassy mollasey! You will kiss Remus this evening.
"But… but sweet sassy mollasey is your phrase. Not James'." Remus protested feebly.
"Yes," Sirius agreed cheekily, "yes it is."
"Sirius," Remus said slowly, "are you implying things?"
"I dunno. Am I?"
"If you want to kiss me," the tawny-haired boy said, "then let a fortune tell me to do so to you."
Sirius blankly pulled a crumply wrapper out of his pocket and handed a fortune cookie to Remus, who accepted it silently.
Sirius and Remus both knew what it said before the werewolf had unwrapped it.
If you let Sirius Black kiss you, fame and fortune will go into your hands.
"Well," Remus said lightly, "It is a fortune, after all."
Sirius didn't wait to hear if that was a thing to fulfill or a thing to press off and stomp on like stupid karma shit and other things that Sirius didn't mess with, he just did what came best to him, even though it probably wasn't the best idea.
Sirius brought his lips to Remus' scarred ones, and softly pressed their shoulders together so their skin was brought together in sinfully soft contact. But just as Sirius was about to furl his hand around the other boy's neck, he moved away in a deep breath of contemplation and Things That Meant No Good.
Remus took a step back. "I don't know what to do with this," he said, fixedly staring at the fortune in his hand, "besides," he stared Sirius impassively in the eye, "it's not safe to put your life into fate, when it doesn't even exist."
And sadly enough, Sirius had to agree.